9号秘事

不 是因为这个小品很烂 我们需要更好的剧本
No, it's because it's poor. We need better material.
当时就需要 现在更需要
We needed it then. We certainly need it now.
那就做最后一个 喝东西那个
Just do the last bit - the drink bit.
你瞧
You see?
这个结尾太好笑了 汤米
It's a cracking ending, Tommy.
但到时得确保第一排观众坐得够近
Though we'll have to make sure the front row are close enough.
我想把水都喷他们脸上
I want to get them all with that spit take.
-得了吧 这招太下作了 莱恩 -你少来了
- Ooh, yeah, that's a cheap laugh, Len. - Oh, come on.
不管你怎么说 好笑就是好笑
A laugh's a laugh however you word it.
对你来说 或许吧
Yeah, for you, maybe.
你知道你问题出在哪吗
You know what your problem is?
你失去了激♥情♥的火花
You've lost your sparkle.
没错 你内心不再有快乐了
Yeah. You've got no joy in you any more.
你就像鲨鱼一样 眼神冷漠空洞
You're like a shark. You've got dead, black eyes.
你一直做的这些大企业的工作
All this corporate stuff you've been doing,
愤怒的菠萝公♥司♥ 把你的生命力全吸走了
this Angry Pineapple, it's sucked the life out of you.
-是番茄 -什么
- Tomato. - What?
是"愤怒的番茄"
It's Angry Tomato.
我变得不好笑了 真是抱歉
And I'm sorry I'm no fun any more,
但我现在跟以前不一样了
but I'm a different person now.
你当年也不好笑 你一直都是这副苦逼样
You were no fun then. You've always been miserable.
这就是为什么表演总是冷场 观众能感觉得到
That's why it all dried up for us. People could sense it.
是你扼杀了"芝士和饼干" 汤米
You killed Cheese & Crackers, Tommy.
抱歉 但我一定要说出来
I'm sorry, but it has to be said.
你不是一直都这样的
You weren't always like this.
还记得我们刚开始表演的那段日子吗
Remember when we first started out, back in the day?
我们会为每件小事喜极而泣
We used to cry with laughter at every little thing.
快乐逐渐消失了 不是吗
Yeah, well, the joke worn thin, didn't it?
-我去抽根烟 你要不要... -不了
- I'm going for a ciggie. Do you...? - No.
我20年前就戒烟了 你也应该戒掉
I stopped 20 years ago. So should you.
收件人 汤玛斯·德瑞克
地址 法国
-看起来快要下雨了 -到底怎么回事 莱恩
- Looks like it's going to rain. - What's going on, Len?
-这都是什么 -没什么 只是...道具而已
- What's all this? - Nothing. They're just...props.
我说了就是想演一次玩玩
I thought we could have a play, like I said.
你想用这些来演什么呢
What were you thinking for these?
《理发师陶德》拉肚子吗
Sweeney Todd gets diarrhoea?
不 不过这点子不错
No, but it's a good thought.
-就叫《理发"屎"陶德》吧 开演 -莱恩 莱恩
- Call it Sweeney Turd, boom, we're off. - Len. Len.
你是不是...
Are you...?
不敢相信我会这么说 你是不是无家可归了
I can't believe I'm saying this. You're homeless, aren't you?
我家莉安生小孩了
Well, our Leanne's got the baby now,
我得来这里做旁白工作
and I have to be down here for voice-over work.
你上一次配旁白是什么时候
When did you last do voice-over?
老实说 挺久了
It was a while back, I grant you.
好像是为"都铎"牌薯片配音吧
I think it was for Tudor Crisps.
你为什么不告诉我
Why didn't you tell me?
我不想让你忌妒我
I didn't want you to be jealous.
我不是指薯片广♥告♥
Not about the crisps.
是指无家可归这件事 怎么发生的
About being homeless. How has that happened?
不知道 不知不觉就发生了
Don't know. It just sort of crept up on me.
有几期贷款没交
Missed a few payments.
接下来 门上出现一张告示
Next thing I know, there's a sign on the door,
所有锁都被换了
all the locks have changed.
我只有15分钟时间收拾东西
I had 15 minutes to grab what I could.
-那你现在住在哪里 -居无定所
- So, where are you actually staying now? - Here and there.
在莉安家偶尔住几晚
Few nights at Leanne's.
以及我发现的另外一两处地点
One or two other spots I've found.
真希望你早点告诉我 我可以帮你的
I wish you'd told me sooner. I could have helped you.
我不想要你的钱 汤米 从没想过
I don't want your money, Tommy. I never did.
我只希望你出现在我身边
I just want you by my side.
最后一次作为"芝士和饼干"组合表演
One last serving of Cheese & Crackers.
好吧
All right.
接下来你想做什么呢
What do you want to do next?
我想着我们可以试试"有个人去割草"
Well, I thought we could have a go at One Man Went To Mow.
就是有一连串快速名人模仿那个
You know, with all the quickfire impressions.
-但我们现在演不了了 -练习过就可以
- But we can't do it now. - Well, we could if we practised.
不是 是因为那些名人都成儿童性侵犯了
No, we can't do it cos they're all Yewtree.
不会吧
They're not, are they?
天呐 还真是
Oh, God, you're right!
-他不是性侵犯吧 -还不是 但迟早会查出来的
- He's not Yewtree, is he? - Not yet, but he will be.
我们还是能模仿那些卡♥通♥角色的
We could still do all the cartoon ones.
以下皆为70年代的卡♥通♥
噢 噢 皮弗利先生 皮弗利先生
Ooh! Ooh! Mr Peevly! Mr Peevly!
-你觉得人们还记得《三只毛熊》吗 -当然
- Do you think people still remember the Hair Bear Bunch? - Yes!
大家都很爱追忆70年代的事物
People love remembering things that happened in the '70s.
这群人可不会
This lot don't.
-我上一次演哑剧时 -那是1992年的事了 继续说
- When I last did panto... - In 1992. Carry on.
我上一次演哑剧时 把那些全模仿了个遍
When I last did panto, I did them all
《香港阿福》 《卑鄙的迪克》 《玛丽 蒙戈和米治》
Hong Kong Phooey, Dick Dastardly, Mary, Mungo And Midge.
你怎么模仿《玛丽 蒙戈和米治》的
What did you do for Mary, Mungo And Midge?
我就看着电梯一层层下来
I just watched the lift go down.
那一晚观众一定笑声不断吧
Well, that must have been a fun evening.
丑女孩唱独角戏当然不容易
Well, it wasn't easy being one ugly sister.
好吧 但我们不是应该想一些
All right, but shouldn't we be thinking of
更现代的内容吗
something more contemporary?
-谁能引你发笑 -什么
- Who makes you laugh? - Eh?
最近有什么节目让你觉得好笑
What current stuff do you watch that makes you laugh?
我一直挺欣赏乔·帕斯夸里那个小伙子
I've always admired that young lad Joe Pasquale.
他都56岁了
He's 56!
他跟卡加勾勾乐队差不多一个时代的
He's about as current as Kajagoogoo.
但他有幽默感 是个很棒的道具喜剧演员
Funny bones, though. And he's a brilliant prop comic.
但如果你仍然想在这行混得好
But if you still want to make it in this game,
就得遵守现在的游戏规则
you've got to follow what the rules are now.
就像我现在的生意 我会考察当下的趋势
With my business head on, I'd be looking at current trends,
市场的空缺
gaps in the market.
-我们的喜剧样式在当下都过时了 -这是传统喜剧
- At the moment, we're an outdated model. - It's heritage comedy.
我们做的是充满魔力的事
It's magic, what we do.
-才不是生意 -这就是生意 莱恩
- It's not a business. - It is a business, Len.
娱乐生意
Show business.
那正是你没理解到位的地方 就因为这样...
And that's what you failed to grasp, and that's why...
怎么
What?
-没什么 -不 告诉我
- Nothing. - No, tell me.
显然这话你憋了30年了
It's obviously been on your mind for 30 years.
好吧 伯尼·克利夫顿的化妆室
All right. Bernie Clifton's dressing room.
伯尼·克利夫顿的化妆室怎么啦
What about Bernie Clifton's dressing room?
-你不记得了吗 -不记得
- You don't remember? - No.
那就是我想说的
And that is my point.
我们来排练《棕瓶》吧
Let's do Brown Bottles.
棕瓶
♪10个棕瓶立墙上♪
♪Ten brown bottles sitting on the wall♪
♪10个棕瓶立墙上♪
♪Ten brown bottles sitting on the wall♪
♪若是1个棕瓶掉下墙♪
♪And if one brown bottle should accidentally fall♪
♪就剩9个棕瓶立墙上♪
♪There'll be nine brown bottles sitting on the wall♪
♪9个棕瓶立墙上♪
♪Nine brown bottles sitting on the wall♪
♪若是1个棕瓶掉下墙♪
♪And if one brown bottle should accidentally fall...♪
快点 1个棕瓶不小心掉下墙
Come on, accidentally fall!
这瓶我还没喝完呢
I haven't finished this one yet!
♪就剩8个棕瓶立墙上♪
♪There'll be eight brown bottles sitting on the wall♪
♪8个棕瓶立...♪
♪Eight brown bottles sitting...♪
那是道具 不是给你喝的
You're not supposed to drink 'em!
♪若是1个棕瓶掉下墙♪
♪And if one brown bottle should accidentally fall♪
♪那就只剩7个 6个棕瓶♪
♪There'll be seven brown, six brown bottles♪
♪立墙上♪
♪Sitting on the wall♪
♪5个棕瓶立墙上♪
♪Five brown bottles sitting on the wall
♪若是1个棕瓶掉下墙♪
♪And if one brown bottle should accidentally fall...♪
抱歉抱歉
Sorry about that!
♪就剩4个棕瓶立墙上♪
♪There'll be four brown bottles sitting on the wall♪
♪4个棕瓶立墙上♪
♪Four brown bottles sitting on the wall...♪
-你在干什么 -扮精灵保安全
- What are you doing? - Elf and safety!
♪若是1个棕瓶不小心掉下墙♪
♪And if one brown bottle should accidentally fall♪
♪就剩3个♪
♪There'll be three brown♪