9号秘事

有人认为足球事关生死
我不喜欢这种态度
我可以向你保证 它比生死还要重大得多
利物浦队王牌教练比尔·香克利
队长 库克 9号♥球衣
裁判是个傻♥逼♥
下午1点58分 联队对阵流浪者队
距离开球还有62分钟
-天呐 -抱歉 裁判
- Oh, Jesus Christ! - Sorry, Ref.
门是开着的
The door was open.
有什么事要找我帮忙吗 米奇
What can I do for you, Mitch?
我就是想问问你
Well, I'm just checking with you
比赛过程中 能不能让我站在球场旁边
if it's OK for me to be pitch-side during the match.
调动观众的情绪之类的
You know, get the crowd going and everything.
比赛过程中不行
Not during the game, no.
只能在赛前和中场休息时
Pre-match, half-time only.
因为流浪者队把他们的吉祥物「虾米斯科特」带来了
It's just that Rovers have brought Scotty the Shrimp.
我觉得我们两个可以友好地搏斗一番
I thought we could get a bit of play-fighting going, you know?
逗观众们开心
In jest, like, have a laugh.
不 我不能允许这种事 抱歉
No, I can't allow it. I'm sorry.
我不能让球员们分心 去看一只6英尺高的虾
I'm not having the players distracted by a six-foot prawn
把你的屎给打出来 你是...
knocking seven shades of shite out of a...
鬼知道你是什么动物
whatever it is you are.
这里不是美国 米奇
This is not America, Mitch.
我理解
I understand.
今天是你最后一次当裁判了 对吧
It's your last-ever game today, isn't it?
是的 没错
It is, yes.
我想告诉你
Well, I just want to say
能够跟你共事 真的是上天厚待我
it's been an absolute privilege to work with you.
棒极了
Fantastic.
愿最出色的球队获胜
And may the best team win.
那是自然
Indeed.
你最好等会儿再进去
I'd give it a minute before you go in there.
我赛前紧张拉肚子
A few, er, pre-match nerves.
这是场重大♥比♥赛 不是吗
Well, it's a big game, isn't it?
是啊 我之前在圣西罗球场工作时
It is. When I worked at the San Siro,
那里的厕所跟淋浴室是相连的 中间有道门隔开
the WC was adjacent to the showers with a separate door,
并且那里的马桶垫是自动降下来的
and it had a self-lowering lavatory seat.
你会觉得被娇宠着
You felt pampered.
你来得可真早 现在几点了
You're really early. What time is it?
1点58分 现在59分了
1:58, 59.
我喜欢在队长会议前把裁判服什么的都穿好
I like to be fully uniformed before the captains' meeting.
那可以给我增加点权威感
Gives me that extra degree of authority.
那是当然啦 我认识的某些裁判
Oh, most definitely. I've known some refs
2点40分了还穿着邋遢的运动裤 手里握着啤酒
slumming round in sweat pants with a beer in their hand at 20 to three
就像在参加家庭烧烤聚会一样
like they're at a family barbecue.
不 你是那种专业人士
No, you're one of the pros,
「马丁是个榜样」 我经常这么说
Martin. A role model. I've always said it.
也正因此 你才能在这位子上干这么久
That's why you've lasted as long as you have.
谢谢 布兰登 我很感激你这么说
Thank you, Brendan, I appreciate that.
-我刚听到的是米奇的声音吗 -是的
- Was that Mitch I could hear just now? - It was.
我从没见过他脱掉玩偶服的样子
I've never seen him out of that costume.
你觉得他有没有可能是条圣伯纳犬啊
Do you think he could be a St Bernard?
我本来觉得更像是花栗鼠 不过或许你说得对
Well, I was thinking more chipmunk, but you might be right.
这里的健身房♥简直是我见过的最烂的
They have got the shittest gym here I have ever seen.
我前妻杂物室里的跑步机都比这里的好
My ex-wife's got a better treadmill in her utility room.
我承认 这里的设施是有点老旧
Well, admittedly the facilities are a little tired,
但如果联队今天赢得了升级 这一切都会改变的
but if United win promotion today, that's all gonna change.
那简直是痴人说梦
That's a big if.
在圣西罗球场
At the San Siro,
裁判更衣室里就有个跑步机
they had a treadmill in the officials' changing room,
并且每隔20分钟 就有人来换毛巾
and someone came round every 20 minutes and replenished the towels.
这种小细节做得真的很贴心
It's the little touches.
奥吉去哪儿了
Where's Oggy?
你说他能去哪儿
Where'd you expect him to be?
又在自动售货机旁边买♥♥东西狂吃呢
Stuffing his face at the vending machine.
我们两小时前才刚吃过午餐啊
We only had lunch two hours ago.
双方球队的队长随时可能过来
I mean, the captains'll be here any minute.
我们得把表调成一致的时间
We've got to synchronise our watches,
过一遍出场球员安排表
go through the team sheet...
我♥操♥啊 臭死了
Shitting Nora!
抱歉 菲尔
Oh, sorry, Phil.
是我♥干♥的 里面没有除臭剂
That was me. There's no Glade.
是有只老鼠钻进你的屁♥股♥里然后死了吗
Did a rat crawl up your arse and die?!
赛前紧张拉肚子
Pre-match nerves.
你是第四裁判
You're the fourth official.
你♥他♥妈♥有什么好紧张的
What have you got to be nervous about?
举牌子时搞错数字吗
Holding up the wrong numbers on the board?
行啊 你可以开玩笑 但这事确实发生过
Yeah, you may joke, but that has happened.
巴里·克洛普有次不小心
Barry Crop once accidentally
在谢菲尔德同城比赛中 将加时写成了56分钟
signalled for 56 minutes' added time at a Sheffield derby game.
那事还被天空台直播出来了
And it was on Sky.
我跟你说 针对他的舆♥论♥ 好几个月才平息
Took him a good few months to live that down, I tell you.
在圣西罗球场
At the San Siro...
够了 布兰登 省省吧 老天啊
All right, Brendan, give it a rest, for fuck's sake!
抱歉
Sorry.
我去厕所里面喷点香水吧
I'll just, er, go and squirt a few drops of Aramis in the pan.
看能不能 缓解下臭气
See if it'll help, er, dissimilate the odour.
你不应该那样跟布兰登说话的
You shouldn't speak to Brendan like that.
我听说他们在考虑下个赛季提拔他进「精英裁判组」
I heard he's being considered for the select group next season,
到时候你可能会在他手下工作
so you could be working under him.
你对助理裁判的看法就是这样的吗
Is that how you see the assistants?
在主裁判手下工作
Under the referee?
-我以为我们是个团队 -我们是个团队
- I thought we were a team? - We are a team,
那也包括第四裁判
and that includes the fourth official.
如果我们自己都不尊重自己人
If we don't respect ourselves,
那又怎么能指望那些球员尊重我们呢
how are we gonna get respect from the players?
他这人也太无趣了 马丁
He's so boring, though, Martin!
他的确很无趣
He is boring, yes.
但那对裁判来说是很好的品质
And that's a very good quality in a referee.
他能力强 又低调 那是需要胆魄的
He's anonymously competent, and that...takes guts
布兰登可没有什么胆子
Brendan hasn't got any guts.
他把胆子和内脏都拉在厕所里了
He's dropped them all in there!
好了 这下刺鼻的臭味应该没有了
Right, well, I think that's, er, taken the edge off it.
再说了 如果说有谁该紧张的话 那也是我
Anyway, if anyone should be nervous, it's me.
我刚看到霍华德带着十几个卡塔尔人进场了
Just seen Howard arrive with half a dozen Qataris.
2022年国际足联世界杯
将在卡塔尔举♥行♥
他们是为2022年的世界杯来考察我够不够格的
They've come to cast their eye over me for 2022.
你不觉得那仅仅是因为
Oh, you don't think it's because
这是英国足球界最重大的赛事之一吗
it's one of the biggest games in English football?
是啊 也有这个原因
Well, yeah, there is that.
但如果我今天表现出色的话
But if it goes well for me today,
那我就有可能去世界杯当裁判了 马丁
I could be running the line at a World Cup, Martin.
想想看判内马尔越位得有多爽
Imagine being able to flag Neymar offside.
我们不是比赛的重点 菲尔
We are not the story, Phil.
我们是中立的裁判官 永远别忘记这点
We are neutral officiators. Never forget that.
好吧 随便吧 如果我20分钟后还没出来
Yeah, whatever. If I'm not back in 20 minutes,
联♥系♥消防局来救被臭晕的我
phone for the fire brigade.
那家伙还有很多要学的
He has got a lot to learn, that one.
你这是城市队的[脏]裤吗 布兰登
Are those City pants, Brendan?
不是 今早才穿的干净的
No! Clean on this morning.
你是说城市队啊
Oh, City.
是的 他们今天去普雷斯顿比赛了
Yes, well we're away at Preston today.
他们至少可以拿下一分 你不觉得吗
Should be good for a point at least, don't you think?
肯定能拿下附加赛的一个席位
Consolidate a play-off place.
你知道我是不允许在更衣室有自己支持的球队颜色的
You know my thoughts about team colours in the changing room.
我知道 但今天是本赛季的最后一天了
Yes, but it's the last day of the season.
我们是城市队的粉丝怎么了...
What with us being City fans...?
请你脱下来
Take them off, please.
好吧
Of course.
抱歉 马丁
Sorry, Martin.
我们这个赛季表现还不错 但是...
It's been a good season for us, but, er...
拿不到投资 真的没办法跟别人比
without the investment, you know, you can't really compete.
不过如果我们今天获胜了 那或许能排上第三
Still, if we win today, we might finish third.