9号秘事

芝士和饼干
跟芝士和饼干有关的所有事...
All this Cheese & Crackers stuff...
你知道我请人删了Youtube网上的视频吧
You know I employ someone to take down those YouTube clips?
-不是吧 -当然要删
- No! - Course I do.
总不能我去跟汇丰银行的人开会
I can't afford to go into a meeting with the HSBC
结果有人认出我是蒂娜·特纳
and someone's found me as Tina Turner
紧身衣套在头上 用乒乓球来假装眼睛吧
with tights on my head and ping-pong balls for eyes.
Youtube是个很好的平台 曝光量很大
It's good publicity, that YouTube, you know.
我的侄子们总给我看 上边什么都有
My nephews are showing me. You can get everything on it.
我知道 莱恩 但对我来说是耻辱
I know you can, Len, and it's an embarrassment to me.
我懂了
I see.
你要喝茶吗
Do you want a cup of tea?
你有辣薄荷吗
Is there any peppermint?
算了吧 我喝奶茶就行
Oh, forget it. I'll just have builder's.
你家莉安长成可爱的大姑娘了
Your Leanne's grown up into a lovely young girl.
是吧 真是个小美女
Oh, hasn't she? A right bobby-dazzler.
她给我写信 让我表演这个的时候...
When she wrote to me and asked me about doing this gig, I was...
你应该可以猜到 我没什么兴趣
Well, you won't be surprised to learn I was unenthusiastic,
这么说算轻的了
to say the least.
我知道 汤米 抱歉 汤玛斯
I know, Tommy. Sorry. Thomas.
记不记得莫克姆和怀斯接受采访时被问到
You remember that Morecambe and Wise interview when they were asked,
"如果没当喜剧明星 你们会是什么"
"What would you have been if you hadn't been comedians?"
艾瑞克说"麦克和伯尼"
And Eric said, "Mike and Bernie Winters"?
麦克和伯尼
也是著名的喜剧搭档
是啊 那句很搞笑
Yeah. Funny line.
我们连麦克和伯尼都算不上
Well, we weren't even Mike and Bernie Winters.
我们没他们那么有才
We weren't that good.
-不 我不接受 汤米 -是真的
- No, I'm not having that, Tommy. - It's true.
我们八十年代中期出道 综艺的没落时期
We came up in the mid-'80s, arse end of variety.
恰好走运在安格利亚电视台出了一季短剧
Got lucky with one series on Anglia Television.
不止这个 我们还做了很多现场表演
It was more than that. What about all the live stuff?
在《利兹市综艺秀》表演了十个晚上
Ten nights at Leeds City Varieties.
跟米克·米勒上了《顶级精英》
Top of the bill with Mick Miller,
还有鲍比·诺特和格朗博大♥麻♥乐队
Bobby Knutt and The Grumbleweeds,
那已经非常了不起了
you can't get better than that.
但他们也不是很红吧 莱恩
It's hardly the Rat Pack, is it, Len?
那你为什么来这里
So, why have you come, then?
我怎么能不来
How could I not?
再说了 你还欠我25英镑
Plus, you still owe me 25 quid.
为什么
What for?
伯尼·克利夫顿的化妆室
Bernie Clifton's dressing room.
瞧吧 你刚证明了你不需要我
Well, there you go. You've just proved you don't need me.
-你一个人就很搞笑 -我当然需要你
- You're funny on your own. - Of course I need you!
芝士和饼干 绝佳搭档 不可分割
You can't have Crackers without the Cheese.
那倒是又提醒了我
That's another thing.
我一直都很讨厌这愚蠢的艺名
I hate that stupid name. I always did.
但芝士和洋葱已经被别人注册了 我告诉过你了
But someone had already registered Cheese & Onion. I told you!
为什么必须是芝士和其它东西 太幼稚了
Why did it have to be Cheese and anything? It's so babyish.
-而且并不好笑 -我觉得挺好笑
- And it's not funny. - Well, I think it's funny.
那太宽泛了 喜剧的第一要义是要具化
It's too generic. First rule of comedy - be specific.
你不能说饼干 要说酸栗果酱夹心饼干
You never say biscuit. You say Garibaldi.
好吧 喜剧大♥师♥
All right, Ted Bovis!
如果我们要做 我是说如果 我要用真实姓名
If we do this - if - I want us to use our real names.
-那没人会知道我们是谁了 -就是这样
- But then no-one'll know who we are. - Correct.
好吧 行
All right, fine.
既然如此 我会告诉我家莉安
I'll tell our Leanne to have us
海报上就写我们是「谢尔比和德瑞克」
billed as Shelby & Drake if that's what you want.
为什么是谢尔比和德瑞克 而不是德瑞克和谢尔比
Why Shelby & Drake? Why not Drake & Shelby?
我也不知道 就觉得听起来顺耳些 音调更顺畅
I don't know. It just sounds better. It's the music of it.
-德瑞克和谢尔比是往下降调的 -什么
- Drake & Shelby goes down. - What?
谢尔比和德瑞克 升升升
Shelby & Drake! Da-da-da-da!
德瑞克和谢尔比 降降降
Drake & Shelby. Da-da-da-da.
你看 是往下降的
You see? It goes down.
你这么说当然往下降 你也可以说成...
Only if you do it like that. You could do...
德瑞克和谢尔比 升升升
Drake & Shelby! Da-da-da-da!
好吧 也行
All right, fine.
这不重要 怎么说都行
It's not a bother. Either way works.
我只是很开心我们又要演出了
I'm just glad we're doing it again.
只不过我得告诉《英国达人秀》的调查员
Though I will have to tell that researcher on Britain's Got Talent
-因为如果我们换了名字... -什么
- cos if we change the name... - What?
没什么 我就是递交了申请表而已
Oh, it's nothing. I just put in an application form.
-参加《英国达人秀》 -没错
- For Britain's Got Talent? - Yeah.
现在综艺节目又流行起来了
It's all back now - you know, variety.
-收视率非常高 -我真不敢相信...
- Massive viewing figures. - I can't believe...
你是哪根筋坏了 竟觉得我会跟你一起
On what planet did you think I would humiliate myself
参加那种节目 让自己蒙羞
by appearing on that programme...with you?
当初《该死的空格》来邀约时
Well, I don't remember you being so fussy
你怎么没这么挑剔
when Blankety Blank came knocking.
-我跟你说了 他们不让我们两个都上 -是吗
- I told you, they wouldn't have us both on. - Oh, really?
是的 我争取了 但他们换成罗林·查斯了
Yes, I tried, but they went with Lorraine Chase instead.
不然我肯定能在底部中间的位子上大放光彩
I'd have killed in that bottom middle seat.
那是个好位置 所有顶级喜剧人都坐那儿
That was the place to be. All the great clowns sat there -
-有埃弗雷特 斯塔尔 朵蒂 -那不是重点
- Everett, Starr, Doddy. - That is not the point.
我同意回来 为受邀观众做最后一场演出
I agreed to come back and do one last gig to an invited audience,
是因为你女儿写信告诉我...
and I only said yes because your daughter wrote and told me that...
什么
What?
你过去这几年过得很潦倒
That things haven't been great for you the last few years.
你什么意思 她对你说了什么
What do you mean? What did she tell you?
-算了 -别 说啊 我想知道她说了什么
- Never mind. - No, go on. I want to know what she said.
芝士和饼干绝不会上《英国达人秀》
Cheese & Crackers are not doing Britain's Got Talent.
好吧
Ok.
但德瑞克和谢尔比可能会上 是不是
But Drake & Shelby might, yeah?
来排练那个关于通气孔的小品吧
Let's rehearse the vent sketch.
你没走吧
You haven't gone, have you?
没有 我还在这里
No. I'm still here.
我提不动你 我患了食管裂孔疝
I won't be able to lift you out. I've got this hiatus hernia.
当然 反正我的膝盖也不行了
Oh, sure. My knees are gone anyway.
我们会想出办法的
We'll figure it out.
好了
Right.
孩子们 这是文森特
So, boys and girls, this is Vincent.
-打个招呼吧[说你好] 文森特 -你好 文森特
- Say hello, Vincent. - Hello, Vincent.
你的第一印象[模仿]是什么
What are your first impressions?
抱歉 我不做模仿
Sorry, I don't do impressions.
不 我是说你希望从这所学校得到什么
No, no, I mean what do you hope to get out of this school?
偷走所有电视和录像机
All the TVs and video recorders!
好吧 这个地方 汤米
Yeah, I thought, there, Tommy,
我觉得可以与时俱进一下 改成电脑
we could update it and say computers instead.
行吧 随便你
Yeah, whatever.
文森特 接下来做个快速测试
OK, Vincent, so, we'll give you a quick test.
你的语法[音似奶奶]怎么样
How's your grammar?
她很好 谢谢 你奶奶呢
She's very well, thank you. How's yours?
不 我是说你的英文语法
No, no, I mean your English grammar.
你会把冒号♥[结肠]放在哪儿
Where would you put a colon?
你屁♥股♥里
Up your bum!
-怎么了 -没事 继续吧
- What? - Nothing. Carry on.
那我们来测测数学
So, let's move onto maths.
如果农夫有12头牛和18只鸡
If a farmer has 12 cows and 18 chickens,
他损失了一半 他还剩什么[他得了什么病]
and he loses half of them, what has he got?
口♥蹄♥疫♥
Foot-and-mouth disease.
-历史题 《大宪♥章♥》在哪里签订[签名]的 -在底部
- History. Where was the Magna Carta signed? - At the bottom!
地理题 安第斯山脉在哪儿
Geography. Where are the Andes?
「音似」-手在哪里? -在手臂的末端
在你手臂末端
At the end of your armies!
天啊 我们不能表演这个 莱恩
Jesus Christ! We can't do this, Len.
-别停下 继续啊 -我做不到 我受不了了
- No, no, carry on. - I can't. I can't bear it.
怎么了
What's wrong?
你觉得朋克摇滚可能过时了吗
Do you think punk rockers might be dated now?
当然了 在1984年就过时了
Of course they are! They were dated in 1984!
这在《强手杰克》上搞得现场一片沉默 你还记得吗
This played to silence on Crackerjack, if you remember.
珍妮特·克兰奇都不直视我们
Janette Krankie wouldn't look us in the eye.
那是因为她只有1.2米高
That's cos she's only 4ft.