难得幸福（2015）

妈 我跟你说过了 我需要空间
Ma, I told you that I needed some space.
我说过了当我准备好之后会和你联♥系♥的
I told you that I would reach out to you when I was ready.
为什么你就不能消停一下
Why can you not honor that?
因为我爱你
Because I love you.
哦 拜托 妈
Oh, please, Ma!
是啊 你爱我 你只是 不喜欢我
Yeah, you love me. You just don't... like me.
- 李 我是你母亲 - 哦 我真希望这场谈话并不存在
- I'm your mother, Lee. - Oh, we're not having this discussion.
哦 当然了当然了 那你走啊
Oh, sure, sure. Walk away.
说得好像你生活的泡沫是我戳破的似的
God forbid I should violate your bubble.
我们都各有各的难处各有各的生活
We all have tsuris, zeindeleh,
这世界可不只有你和你那操蛋的丈夫
not just you and your sheigetz husband!
住嘴
Shut up!
所以那就是戈特佛瑞德的大计划
So that's Gottfrid's big idea?
让精灵变真实
To make the elves real?
是啊 他是个有创意的总监
Yeah, he's creative director.
这种创意的想法就该是他想出来的
He gets to make those kinds of decisions.
也许你早就该听我说的那样去做
Maybe if you'd play the game the way I tell...
谁他妈想去吃由真正的
Who the fuck wants to eat cookies
住在该死的树上的
made by real elves
精灵【侏儒】做出来的曲奇饼
living in a real fucking tree?
告诉我 约翰 他们为什么会住在树上
Why are they living in a tree, Jon?
他们没家吗
Are they homeless?
- 为什么他妈非要这样 - 为什么他妈非要这样
- Where do they shit? - "Where do they shit"?
你们有厕所吗
Do they have toilets?
我之所以这么问因为他们现在是真实的了
I'm asking because they're real now,
所以我想站在基布勒尔的顾客角度上问这个问题
so I want to know as a Keebler consumer
我是不是在吃
am I eating cookies made in a tree
由住在树上 无家可归 满树拉屎的
by homeless little people
精灵制♥作♥出来的曲奇饼
who are shitting all over the floor?
问题不在基布勒尔 托拇
Keebler is not the goddamn issue, Thom.
你的沙发才是重点所在
Your couch is the goddamn issue.
为什么你♥他♥妈♥老是在提那个沙发的事儿
Why do you keep talking about my fucking couch?
- 我正在挽救你的工作呢 - 我正在说我的工作呀
- I'm trying to save your job. - I'm talking about my job.
而你一直在说我那该死的沙发
You're talking about my goddamn couch.
托拇 你生活在一个充满创意的世界
Thom, you live in the creative world.
我生活在一个现实的世界
I live in the corporate world.
而在我的世界里 一个杯子不仅仅是杯子 沙发也不仅仅是沙发
And in my world, a cup isn't a cup, a couch isn't a couch,
而角落办公室【通常指高级职位办公室】也不仅仅是角落办公室
a corner office isn't a corner office.
而是一根鸡♥巴♥ 托拇
It's a cock, Thom.
每个人都想拥有一根最大的鸡♥巴♥
And everyone wants the big one.
你认为有多少男人的鸡♥巴♥有十英寸【约25厘米】长
You know how many men have a 10-inch penis?
- 你指在这房♥间里吗 - 一万九千分之一
- In this room? - One in 19,000.
你怎么知道这种知识
Why do you know this?
现在请你展开想象
Now imagine if every man
如果每个人都能从其他男人的鸡♥巴♥上偷走几厘米
could just steal an inch or two from another man.
你想想 比如走在街上
You know, walking down the street,
或是在一辆公交车里 或是在工作场所里
or on a bus, or in a workplace.
然后 嘭 我的鸡♥巴♥就长长了几厘米
Just, bam, now I got two more inches.
每个人都会想尽方法
Everyone would be looking
从其他人的鸡♥巴♥上偷长度的
to steal penis inches from everyone else,
而且每个人也会很担心
and everyone would be terrified
担心自己的鸡♥巴♥会不会被别人偷走
that someone was stealing from them.
那才是现实的美国 托拇
That is Corporate America, Thom.
只不过我这里说的鸡♥巴♥是一个咖啡杯
Except the penis is a coffee cup
或是一个订书机 一张沙发或是一间角落办公室
or a stapler or a couch or a corner office.
你失踪的沙发 就是一张死亡通牒
Your couch is a Corporate-American memento mori.
所以不要再纠结你的那个欧尼基布勒尔的屁事了
So get your head out of Ernie Keebler's ass
你应该关心关心是谁偷走了你的鸡♥巴♥
and go find out who stole your dick.
我觉得你不应该把这东西给退回去
I don't think you should be sending it back.
- 为什么不 - 因为这不是给你的 这是朱尔斯的
- And why not? - Because it's not yours. It's Jules'.
这个嘛 只要我还没给朱尔斯 那就不是他的
Well, it's not Jules' until I give it to him.
从你妈买♥♥了这玩意儿那一刻起就已经是他的了
It's Jules' when she gets it for him.
难道你没发现这个点吗 李
Don't you see what's happening here, Lee?
就因为她是你那操蛋的母亲
Because she was a shitty mother to you,
从而导致你对朱尔斯做出了操蛋的事
you're doing something shitty to Jules.
你知道作为一名身心健康的成年人最难的是什么吗
And that's the hardest part of being a healthy adult...
就是如何从恼人的父母阴影中走出来
is how to protect ourselves from our lousy parents
还不要伤害自己的孩子
without hurting our children.
你意识到学校快放学的时候门口有多少祖父祖母了吗
Have you noticed all the fucking grandparents at school lately?
我是说 这他妈到底怎么了
I mean, what the fuck is going on?
又要接 又要送
Drop-offs, pick-ups.
真奇怪 对吧
It's weird, right?
免费接送服务 这才不是什么真正的爱
Free transportation. It's not genuine love.
- 别担心 - 哦太棒了
- Don't worry. - Oh, good.
哦 你是对的 你是对的
Oh, you're right. You're right.
你知道谁最该去吃屎吗
You know who can go fuck herself?
- 谁 - 朵拉
- Who? - Dora.
- 朵拉是谁 - 探索新世界节目里的
- Dora who? - The "Explora."
她在里面就不停的说什么
She won't stop with this
阿布维拉祖母之类的屎 每一集都如此
Abuela/grandmother shit. Every episode lately.
就像是在说 你♥他♥妈♥有母亲吗 一样
It's like, "Do you even have a fucking mother?"
她每一天都他妈和她祖母在一起
She's with her grandmother every fucking day.
却从没看见她母亲
Never see her mother.
而且这类节目总是如此
It's all those fucking shows, though.
马♥克♥思♥和露比 也没父母
Max and Ruby, no parents.
该死的提线木偶节目里也没有父母
The fucking Muppets don't even have parents.
没父母吗 我还挺想当一个木偶的
No parents? I'd like to be a Muppet.
也对啊 不会来大姨妈 也不会长胖
Right? No periods. Weight never changes.
是啊 而且有个男人每天都会把手指伸进你洞洞里让你爽翻天
Right? And some guy's got his finger stuck up your ass all day.
幸福
Happiness...
我们每人都想要
we all want it.
我们每人都在追求
We all pursue it.
但可口可乐 就是幸福本身
But Coca-Cola owns it.
可口可口专注幸福已超过100年
Coca-Cola has owned happiness for the past 100 years.
我之前总把金钱浪费在阿普唑仑【药名】上
Here I was wasting my money on Xanax,
而其实我只需要苏打饮料就够了
and all I needed was a soda.
难以置信
Unbelievable.
我讨厌阿普唑仑
I hated Xanax.
- 我现在改用百忧解了 - 百忧解让我瞌睡连连
- I switched to Prozac. - Prozac made me sleepy.
草酸艾司西酞普兰片屌♥爆了哟
Lexapro's the bomb, yo.
- 我讨厌那玩意儿 - 不要说那些药物了
- I hated Lexapro. - Happy pills aside,
如今 可口可乐出现了危机
today Coca-Cola has a problem.
如今可乐里面的因子
There's no joy in Cokeville,
已经不能对顽强的美国人产生作用了
for mighty America has struck out.
所以就是这样吗
So this is it?
这就是你抓紧工作的方法吗
This is how you're gonna keep your job,
打扮成年轻人
by dressing like a teenager?
哦 操♥你♥妈♥ 托拇 看看你的头发吧
Oh, fuck you, Thom. Nice haircut.
从瑞士回来后至今
How many new clothes have you bought
你买♥♥了多少新衣服穿
since the Swedish invasion?
不过感谢你的攻击 穿杰西欧文牌子的中年男
Nice kicks, by the way, Jesse Owens.
没想到你对跑步品牌这么感兴趣呢
Didn't figure you for a runner.
那么 问题来了
So here's the problem.
战争
War.
失业
Unemployment.
幻灭
Disillusionment.
我买♥♥这件衣服是因为当时我很忧郁
I bought these clothes because of my depression,
如果你想知道的话
if you must know.
好吧 而我买♥♥这件束胸内衣则是因为焦虑
Yeah, well, I bought the push-up bra because of anxiety.
这个嘛 你看起来很奇怪
Well, you look ridiculous.
拜托 你和我的品位就跟Jack Spade【奢侈品牌】的包包
Please. You are one Jack Spade messenger bag away
与火力全开的人♥渣♥的距离一样遥远
from full-on creative-class douchebag.
如今的经济已经像坨屎一样了
The economy's in the toilet.
我是说 在这个国家本身 情况也大体如此
I mean, the country, it's coming apart at the seams.
而在这个网络时代 情况依然如此
And this Internet age, same as it ever was...
依然有一大堆万亿富翁
a handful of trillionaires
而供养这群富翁的是千千万万的劳苦民众
and billions of poor suckers who made them that way.
低下的期待值 极高的失业率
Low expectations, high unemployment,
这些问题 共同造成了可口可乐的问题
they all add up to the real problem for Coke.
本该是幸福的味道 却喝起来如此贫穷
Happiness. It tests poorly.