难得幸福（2015）

这是托马斯 杰斐逊 [美国第三任总统 独♥立♥宣言主要起草人]
This is Thomas Jefferson
美国 我移居之所的国父 ［雕像位于南达科他州的拉什莫尔山国家纪念公园 其余三人为华盛顿老罗斯福和林肯］
founding father of my adopted home of America
我全心全意地爱着它
which I love with all my heart
但是 操 他一定要写这一条
But then, fuck, he had to go and write that line,
生活 自♥由♥ 对快乐的追逐
"
life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness."
生活 当然 自♥由♥ 我理解这些基本的概念
Life, sure. Liberty, I understand the basic concept.
但是快乐 我的意思是 什么才是这操蛋的快乐
But happiness? I mean, what the fuck is happiness?
一辆宝马 一千个脸书好友
A BMW? 1,000 Facebook friends?
百万个推特粉丝 我希望他能更诚实点儿
A million Twitter followers? I wish he had been more honest.
开诚布公地说 生活 自♥由♥ 对快乐的追逐
I wish he had just said, "life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness,
不管这操蛋的快乐的追逐是什么玩意儿
whatever the fuck that is."
别老是让我们瞎猜 汤姆 ［托马斯的简写］
Just don't keep us guessing, Tom.
猜 追逐 最后失败
Guessing and pursuing and failing.
操♥你♥妈♥ 托马斯 杰斐逊
Fuck you, Thomas Jefferson!
如果你很开心 你就拍拍手
♪ If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands ♪
如果你很开心 你就拍拍手
♪ if you're happy and you know it, clap your hands ♪
如果你很开心 那就操蛋的表现出来
♪ if you're happy and you know it, then motherfucking show it ♪
如果你很开心 那就拍你操蛋的手
♪ if you're happy and you know it, clap your motherfucking hands ♪
如果你很开心 你就拍拍手
♪ if you're happy and you know it, clap your hands. ♪
祝你生日快乐
♪ Happy Birthday to you ♪
祝你生日快乐
♪ Happy Birthday to you ♪
你长得跟猴子一样
♪ you look like a monkey ♪
闻着也像只猴子
♪ And you smell like one, too. ♪
比赛进行到一半了
The game is half over, people.
－开始吧 －快说 快说
- Here we go. - Speech, speech.
那么 他们跨在坟墓上生产
Well, "they give birth astride a grave,
亮光一闪
the light gleams an instant,
又再恢复黑夜
then it is night once more."
半途 兄弟 如果你熬过了这一周
Half run? Buddy, you're gonna be lucky
那你可就要走好运了
if you make it to the end of the week.
她是对的 爸爸
She's right, dad.
四十四岁 就像一百万岁一样
44, that's like a million.
－喔 －嘿 嘿 妈妈要
- Whoo! - Hey, hey, mom is...
和我一样老了
mom's almost as old as me.
但妈妈很美
But mom's pretty.
－谢谢 朱尔斯 太谢谢你了 －噢 别说了
- Thanks, Jules, so much. - Oh! Give it up.
－噢 注意礼节 先生 －等等
- Oh, manners, mister. - Wait, get, get...
没错 像大人一样 要有礼节 对吗 朱利叶斯
yeah, have some manners like the adults. Right, Julius?
嗯 嗯 嗯
Num, num, num!
我有那个
I have that one.
我好像有五个那个
I have, like, five of that one.
但我的更好
Mine are pretty good, though.
我的是成套的
Mine came in a set,
但是我还有龙型直升机 [乐高套装＃2521]
so I also have the dragon helicopter
和吴先生
and Sensei Wu.
你的就是坨屎
Yours is junk.
嘿 嘿 你们知道我注意到你家小孩的什么事吗
Hey, hey, you know what I've noticed about your kid?
－他就是个混♥蛋♥ －没错 他就是个操蛋的混♥蛋♥
- He's an asshole. - Yes, he's a fucking asshole.
－我不知道这是怎么发生的 但是 －所以不仅仅是对朱利叶斯
- I don't know how that happened, but... - So it's not just Julius?
不不不 他对谁都表现的像个混♥蛋♥ 孩子们讨厌他
No, no, he's an asshole to everybody. Kids hate him.
他是个混♥蛋♥ 因为他爸爸也是个混♥蛋♥
He's an asshole because his father was an asshole.
依旧是 你的前任也是个混♥蛋♥
Still. Your ex is still an asshole.
有其父必有其子
An asshole doesn't fall far from the tree.
－他会长大然后变好－我不觉得那是像你一样那种大鸡♥巴♥的混♥蛋♥
- He'll grow out of it. - I don't think that's the kind of assholeness you outgrow.
我们只是希望 你懂的 一根平均值的鸡♥巴♥ 平凡无奇的鸡♥巴♥
We're just hoping for, you know, an average prick. Just a run-of-the-mill dick.
我不懂 汤姆 几年前 朱尔斯也可能是个混♥蛋♥
I don't know, Thom. Couple years from now, Jules could be an asshole, too.
我不这么觉得 或许是一个娘炮
I don't think so. A pussy, maybe.
那么 我宁可要一个混♥蛋♥ 总比娘炮好
Well, I would rather have an asshole than a pussy.
世道艰难
It is tough out there, people.
当个混♥蛋♥也不错
Asshole's not a bad way to go.
－也不错嘛 －女士们 快来
- Not a bad way to go. - Come on, lady.
天哪
Oh, my God.
你问我 朱利叶斯只是过于开心
You ask me, Julius is just too happy.
－过于开心 －你让一个小孩在这样的世界里快乐生活
- Too happy? - You make a kid happy in this world,
这是在害他们 那是虐待儿童
you're setting them up. That's child abuse.
相信我 汤姆 取得快乐的唯一方式
Trust me, Thom. Your only shot at happiness in this world
是拥有一个悲惨的童年 越悲惨 越快乐
is a miserable childhood. The shittier the better.
我该给我的书起这个名字
That's what I should call my book.
没错 《悲惨的快乐》汤姆 佩恩著
Yeah, "The Joy of Misery" by Thom Payne.
－一本书 －没错
- A book? - Yeah.
－什么书 －没扯淡呢
- What's a book? - Yeah, no shit.
没事儿 他们在看冰雪奇缘
It's okay. They're watching "Frozen."
看 娘炮
See? Pussy.
说到娘炮
Speaking of pussies,
莫妮卡处理她的东西
Monica is getting hers done.
－她的什么 －阴♥部♥ [双关]
- Her what? - Her pussy.
－做什么 －变紧致
- Done? - Tightened.
－你♥他♥妈♥到底在说什么 －什么
- What the fuck are you talking about? - What?
她三十七岁了 已经有小孩了 她想要更紧致的阴♥部♥
She's 37, she's done having kids, she wants a tighter cooch.
一派胡言 她的阴♥部♥对杰森来说完全足够了
That's bullshit. That's totally for Jason.
我不知道 我的姐姐生了三个小孩
I don't know. My sister had three kids.
她说她的阴♥部♥现在大得可以在里面停车
She said she can park her car up in there now.
－是像smart那样的车 －她开悍马 [smart为奔驰旗下的小型车 仅有两人座 悍马原为通用旗下的大型越野车]
- But like a smart car. - The girl drives a hummer.
等一下 我要理顺一下
Wait a min I want to get this straight.
她的阴♥部♥对他来说好操
Her pussy is good enough for him to fuck,
又好舔
good enough for him to eat,
还好生小孩
good enough to bear his child,
现在他想要让它更加紧致
now he just wants it tighter?
他该自操自活
Think he should just go fuck himself.
他有说要多紧致吗
Can he say how tight he wants it?
她现在像是啤酒罐口那么大
Well, she's at a beer can now.
所以 他可能想要烈酒杯那么小
So he probably wants, what, a shot glass?
他的鸡♥巴♥对我来说就跟铅笔似的
He looks like a pencil dick to me.
也许她该紧成个削笔刀
Maybe she should just go with sharpener.
他可以做一个手术 你知道 像是测试阴♥道♥一样
Could he go in the surgery and,you know, like test the vagina?
哟 医生 你很接近了 但你还要再猜个一两次
Yo, Doc, you're close, but can you give it another turn or two?
－噢 天哪 －像是 莱斯科先生 我回到二十二岁时候的样子
- Oh, my God. - Mr Lesko, I got it down to a 22-year-old.
从法律的角度说 我只能回到十八岁时候的样子
Legally, I can only go to an 18.
嘿 医生 当你做到那里的时候
Hey, Doc, while you're down there,
你可以松了她的屁♥眼♥吗
can you loosen up her shithole?
好的 他们要来了 要来了
Okay, they're coming. They're coming.
缝在哪儿呢
Where's the joint?
乔治 是一只非常 非常好的猴子
"George was a very, very good monkey."
他也很好奇
He was also very curious."
他的屁♥股♥也真的是疼的要命
And he was a real pain in the butt.
－爸爸 －他该被打一顿
- Dad. - He deserved a good slap,
有人要教他一堂课
somebody to teach him a lesson.
你不可以随便偷一架宇宙飞船
"You can't just steal a spaceship
然后飞到月球上 猴孩儿
and fly it to the moon, monkey boy."
爸爸 正常点念
Dad, read it normal.
嘿 嘿 我爱你 哥们儿
Hey, hey. I love you, buddy.
你已经老了
You're old.
我不是老了 我是 我是 我是
I'm not old. I'm... I'm... I'm...
相当老了
I'm oldish.
你要死了吗
Are you going to die?
我要死了吗 男孩
Am I gonna die? Boy...
你懂的
You know,
真♥相♥是 朱利叶斯 我要死了
the truth is, Julius, I am going to die,
但要很久 很久之后
but not for a very, very long time.
首先 要开始像这么说话
First I got to start speaking like this.
接着 我开始掉牙
And then I got to start losing my teeth.
接着我会在尿布里拉屎
Then I got to start pooping in my diapers.
嘿 明天什么计划
Hey, how about tomorrow
在五个朋友吃点汉堡 接着去开心农场
we get burgers at Five Guys, then Funny Farm?
对
Yes.
没逼格
Low.
好吧
Okay.
你知道怎样打桩
You know the drill.
你喜欢这样吗 好棒
You like that? Yeah.
噢 好棒 宝贝 操♥我♥的屁♥股♥