游侠笑传（2015）

对你的牺牲我们感到很抱歉
I'm sorry for your loss.
我们稍后再为你默哀
We'll mourn later.
伽尔凡特总是教我英雄是如何抑制他的感情的
Galavant always taught me a hero represses his feelings,
这正是我现在所做的
which is what I'm doing right now.
有什么想法吗
So, ideas?
把守卫叫过来
Call that guard over.
哪只
Which one?
-摧毁者艾文 还是凯斯 -凯斯
- Ivan the mutilator or Keith? - Keith.
嘿 凯斯
H-hey, Keith?
能过来一下下吗
Can you come here a sec?
嘿 凯斯 过来看看呀
Hey, Keith, check this out.
那是什么
What was that?
弄臣学校里他们教你的第一样东西
First thing they teach you in jester school...
最经典的分神术
classic misdirection.
在他们杀了伽尔凡特之前早就该这样做了
Should have done this before they killed Galavant.
现在 如果我们能把这些守卫都干掉的话...
Now, if we could just get rid of the guards...
嘿 伙计们 决战前午餐 快去吧
Hey, guys! Pre-duel lunch! Come on!
这绝不是偶然
This isn't luck.
伽尔凡特肯定在九泉之下保佑着我们
Galavant must be helping us from beyond the grave.
跟着我
Follow me.
我没能猜中结局
This ends badly.
噢 太好了 你在这里
Oh, good. You're here.
我还能在哪里
Where else would I be?
我正给75个傲慢的王公贵族准备一场盛宴
I'm preparing an impromptu feast for 75 uppity royals,
因为 对吗
because... Bleep... me, right?
我不想再过得那么黯淡了
I don't want to have a bleak life anymore.
听着 这里有三派敌对的皇族
Look, there are three factions of warring royals here
而你在为他们准备事物 我负责侍应
for a feast that you're cooking, that I'm serving.
这一切结束的时候我们就会死的
This ends with us dead...
也许不是今天也不是明天
maybe not today and maybe not tomorrow,
但是结束的方式都是一样的
but it always ends the same way.
知道吗 我现在觉得你说得对
Do you know, I'm beginning to think you're right.
为什么我们不能掌握自己的命运呢
Why can't we change the ending?
#当权贵混战时 谁会死去#
# When rich folks war, who dies? #
穷苦百姓
The poor.
#好吧 你可以这么想#
# On that, you can depend #
#所以 显然 只有一个办法#
# So, obviously, for you and me #
#能让我们有个圆♥满♥结局#
# There's only one way this can end #
我们来好好瞅瞅
Let's see.
开胃小甜品
Appetizers...
沙拉
salads...
啊哈
Aha!
#浓汤配点儿砒霜#
# Let's spike the soup with some arsenic #
什么
What?
#就那么一两滴#
# Just a few droplets, like thus #
#他们就会七窍流血而亡#
# Serve, and each blue blood will die as they spew blood #
#我们就能相伴到永远#
# A happy ending for us #
天哪
Gosh.
#派里暗藏剧毒#
# How 'bout a pie full of cyanide? #
#想想就激动无比#
# Can you imagine the fuss? #
#胃里翻江倒海 那感觉太酸爽#
# Oh, cramps, diarrhea, convulsions #
#然后就永别吧#
# Then "See ya" #
#而我们相伴到永远#
# A happy ending for us #
#他们上吐下泻 那画面太美丽#
# Picture that great big pool of puke and stool #
#而我们相伴到永远#
# A happy ending for us #
我来好好酿制一份
I could fry up some heirloom toadstools
祖传的百毒穿肠散
with a little hemlock vinaigrette.
-哇哦 -咋啦
- Ooh! - What?
#早死早投胎#
# If they survive to the entre #
别停
Go on.
#鹤顶红啊最好用#
# Strychnine can be your best friend #
好棒
Nice.
#秘制红烧毒肉#
# Poison the meat first #
#让他们死翘翘#
# They'll leave the hall feet first #
#而我们的结局童话故事般美好#
# A perfect fairy-tale end #
#啦啦啦 啦啦啦#
# Tra-la-la-la-la #
#来一盘臭贝壳#
# How 'bout a tray of bad shellfish? #
好耶
Yes!
#再来一份大盘鸡#
# Ooh! Chicken's delicious served rare #
绝配
A tartare.
#无所不用其极 呈上满汉毒席#
# Choose any toxin, then toss the whole box in #
#让他们叫苦连天#
# Voila, they're gasping for air #
#让他们肝肠寸断#
# Oh, how they'll heave and spurt #
#让他们自食其果#
# and for dessert, do things too gross to discuss #
#让他们死无全尸#
# And they will claw and choke till all of them croak #
#多么美好的结局#
# A lovely ending #
#多么完美的结局#
# A storybook ending #
#我们一起慢慢变老#
# A happy ending for u-u-u-u-u-u-u-us #
这主意怎么样
What do you say?
我马上开工
I'd better get cookin'.
好啊 伽尔凡特
Hello, Galavant.
最后的晚餐了
Last meal.
还有什么遗愿吗
Anything else you'd like to do for the last time?
不用
No.
哼
Oh.
你又陶醉在你是超级幕后英雄的幻想里了
You're doing your strong-and-silent-hero thing.
你说什么
What?
你的蠢老爹就是这么给你洗♥脑♥的
That thing your dumb dad drilled into your head.
儿啊 英雄向来沉默
"Son, a hero doesn't talk.
当他的时刻来临他也许不能察觉
He might not hear it when his moment arrives.
吧啦吧啦吧啦 再来一杯吧"
Blah, blah, blah, have another drink."
哦 你说对了
Oh, my God.
我现在就是这么想的
That is exactly what I'm doing.
你知道吗 有时候 你还是有一些闪光点的
You know, sometimes, I see this glimmer in you.
-你知道吗 你 -你要是敢吃了最后一块饼干
- You know, you're... - if you eat that last danish,
我就把你这个老不死的肠子给拽出来
I will reach down your throat,
然后再赐你一丈红
pull it out, and beat you to death with it!
无所谓了
Never mind.
往上走 我们要左转
Up here, we want to go left.
你确定 伽尔凡特的地图上说我们应该向右转
Really? Cause Galavant's map says we go right.
好吧 我跟我丈夫在这住了有四十年了
Well, my husband and I have lived here 40 years,
不过真的 你倒是告诉我
but really... tell me more
你那挂了的朋友地图里都画了些什么
about your dead friend's hand-drawn map!
我代表我老婆向你道歉
Apologies for my wife.
我们在那地牢里呆了太久了
We've been in that dungeon a really long time.
大家别出声 有个看门的
Everybody, shh! A guard.
话说 还是按你的路线走吧
You know what? We'll go your way.
好吧 加雷斯 我给大家争取了一些时间
All right, Gareth, I bought us some time.
你觉得接下来该怎么做
What's next? What do you think?
我是这么想的
You know what I think?
我觉得你要做一个真正的男人
I think you should start acting like a man
而不是像个国王
and not like a king.
你要是有胆跟你那怪胎哥哥
I think you should have fought
好好干一仗 把他打得屁滚尿流的话
that old geezer of a brother of yours, kicked his ass,
我们现在就不会这么被动了
and we wouldn't be in this position we are right now.
这破豆沙怎么这么油
And how does he get this hummus so creamy?
我要是亲自下厨 肯定不会是这样
I mean, when I do it myself, I can't get it this creamy.
火候什么的肯定都是恰到好处
And the chickpeas so perfectly blended.
肯定不错
It's yummy.
上帝保佑你
Bless you.
谢谢
Thank you.
保佑你
Bless you.
够啦
Enough!
快 在我灵魂出窍前 赶紧为我祈祷
Well, hurry! Bless me before my soul escapes!
这到底是怎么回事
What the hell is going on?
太好了 毒性开始发作了
It's starting! The poison's working!
都见鬼去吧
Die, swine!
下十八层地狱
Rot in hell!
他们还有多久才会死翘翘
How long till they die?
我下不了手
I couldn't do it.