游侠笑传（2015）

我把肉汁溅到我肚子这块的花纹上了
I got gravy on my tummy flowers.
噢 我的天哪 你是对的
Oh, my God. You're right.
跟我来吧 先生
Come with me, Sire.
不会吧 这是你的房♥间吗
Holy cow! This is your room?!
这是什么味道
What's that smell?
睾丸素（男性荷尔蒙的一种）
Testosterone.
嗯 麝香味的
Mmm. Musky.
听着 如果你想要你的妻子变得尊重你
Look, if you want your wife to respect you,
你必须要学会去赢得她的尊重
you've got to earn her respect.
你需要变得更有男人味儿
You need to man up.
我都不知道要从哪里开始
I wouldn't even know where to begin.
好吧 事情就是这样
Well, it just so happens
你正在和一个颇懂男子气概的专家说话
you're talking to the professor in the art of manhood.
-并且我要来改造你
- And I'm gonna give you a makeover.
-加雷斯 我非常感谢你
- Gareth, I cannot thank you enough.
过来和我抱抱
Come here, you!
嘿 我一生中仅曾和一个男人抱过
Hey, I've only ever hugged one man in my life,
那就是在我父亲死去的那天
and it was the day my father died.
我把那个臭混♥蛋♥给勒死了
I squeezed that rotten bastard to death.
好吧 我们随后再抱 真是场愉快的对话
Right. We'll hug later. Good talk.
这真是个糟糕透了的主意
This is a terrible idea.
可以容许我介绍一下这位姗姗来迟前来参加格斗的
May I present a late entry to the joust,
-万剑之主 -席德
- the Lord of the Sword... - Sid.
这是伽尔凡特 他想要参加格斗比赛
This is Galavant. He wants to joust.
伽尔凡特先生 真是荣幸
Sir Galavant? An honor.
我只需要收您100先令作为报名费
I'll just need 100 shillings for your entry fee,
然后我们就能把您写进去格斗名单了
and we'll get you signed in.
哈 是谁大驾光临了
Well, who do we have here?
你好啊 吉恩 哈姆
Hello, Jean Hamm.
差点儿没认出来你 伽尔凡特 很长时间没见了 我的老朋友
If it isn't Galavant. Long time, no see, old friend.
胡须很漂亮啊
Nice beard.
当然 我说的是她的
I'm talking about her, of course,
不过这面部毛发长得也挺不错的
but the facial hair is nice, as well.
伽尔凡特先生希望能够加入格斗比赛
Sir Galavant wishes to enter the joust.
噢 没错 这本来是小事一桩
Oh, yes. That would have been a hoot.
但是 遗憾的是 我们没有100先令
But, unfortunately, we don't have the 100 shillings.
噢 自从玛达莲娜走了之后日子过的很艰苦啊 是吧 伽尔
Ohh, times that tough since Madalena see'd-ya-later, huh, Gal?
甚至连报名费都凑不起来啊
Can't even scrape together an entry fee?
我 我们拥有的东西比这讨厌的报名费贵的多
W-we got more than a pesky entry fee.
我把这枚巴伦西亚的无价之宝作为抵押品
I offer forth the priceless Jewel of Valencia as collateral.
绝对不行
Absolutely not!
这块巴伦西亚宝石决不能作为抵押品
The Jewel of Valencia is not collateral.
它是我的王国的奠基石
It is the cornerstone of My Kingdom.
曾都有战争因它发动过
Wars have been waged over it.
那我就把它和公鸡一起放在这个地方 可以吧
So I'll put it in the same ballpark as the rooster, then?
-好的 我觉得这主意听起来 挺好 -挺好
- Yeah. I think that sounds... yeah. - Yeah?
伽尔凡特先生将参战第一局
Sir Galavant will fight the first match.
我敢说你会想要帮助的
I can tell you want to bail.
我给你五秒钟来决定要不要我帮你
I'll give you five seconds to bail.
我绝对不要你帮
I don't want to bail.
-我想要 -你要帮我
- I do. - You do?
噢 没错 我想要帮你
Oh, yes, I want to bail...
你妈卖♥♥淫入狱时 我想帮你保她出来
Your mama out of jail when she gets arrested for prostitution.
这句是西方讽刺挖苦对方的 你妈 系列的
你知道吗 吉恩 现在 现在都1256年了
You know what, Jean? It's... it's 1256.
嗯 关于 你妈妈 的那个笑话 它们真的很老了
Mm. The "Your mama" Jokes, they're getting really old.
嗯 你妈妈也一样
Hmm, so is your mama.
说真的 吉恩 这个笑话已经老掉牙了
Seriously, Jean. It's getting really worn out.
-你妈妈也 -住口
- So is... - Don't.
你妈妈
Your mama!
噢 你们好
Well, hello, there!
这条皮带是在前面的还是后面的
Does this strap go on the front or the back?
我不知道啊 我好多年没穿这个了
I have no idea. I haven't worn these in years.
这好像是
It goes like...
噢 等等
Ow! Hold on.
嗯 我觉得该跟你确认一下
Yeah, um, feel the need to check in,
因为 你要记得 如果输掉这块宝石 我爱的人都会死
'cause, remember, everyone I love dies if we lose that jewel,
所以 你一定要赢 明白
so you definitely got this, right?
是的 我知道了
Yes. I've got this.
噢老天 什么事都得我来做吗
Oh, good God. Do I have to do everything?
伽尔凡特是我们整个王国最伟大的英雄
Galavant is the greatest hero of our entire kingdom.
他不会像其他一些普通骑士那样参与格斗
He will not participate in a joust like some common knight.
这是一个屠龙的男人
This is a man who slays dragons.
他是位王者
He is the lord of the...
-剑之王 -剑 不 抱歉 这话我实在说不出口
- Sword. - Lo... no, sorry. I can't.
那倒是
Fair enough.
伽尔凡特先生 我们处于对您的尊敬 提升你直接进入最后决赛
Sir Galavant, we will advance you to the final on merit.
大家都同意吧
Does everyone agree?
我无所谓
Fine by me.
我刚帮你多争取到一晚的时间搞定一切
I just got you one more night to find it.
我们绝不可以输掉那块宝石
We are not losing that jewel!
还有你盔甲穿反了
And your armor's on backwards!
我需要你赢得这场格斗
I need you to win this joust,
但你现在完全不在状态 你怎么想
and you're in no condition to do that. Do you agree?
我不这样认为
I do not.
神马 你是要来训练我吗
What... you're gonna train me?
嗯
- Mm. -
好吧
Okay.
我爸爸是个男人中的男人 可是却没有男性继承人
My father is a man's man who never got a male heir,
所以我偶尔迎合一下他 让他把我当成儿子
so from time to time, I humored him and let him treat me as one.
你应该热热身
You should stretch.
噢得了吧 英雄从来不需要热身
Oh, please. Heroes don't stretch.
嗯 捡起你的剑
Mm-hmm. Pick up your sword.
啊
Uh...
你就这样帮我建立信心吗
Is this your way of building my confidence?
你就打算这样羞辱我一整天或是
You're just gonna humiliate me all day long or...
你疏于练习 身材走样
You're out of practice, out of shape.
承认吧你就是害怕了 那也没什么
- It's all right to admit that you're afraid.
你就算再怎样也惹怒不了我的 亲爱的公主
You're not gonna annoy me into doing this, Princess.
伽尔凡特
Galavant!
她把我弄垮了 公主 你就想听到这句话吗
She knocked me down, Princess. Is that what you want to hear?
是啊 她就这样把我弄到一败涂地
Yeah, she took the legs right out from under me.
所以 对啊 对 我是害怕
So, yeah. Yeah, I'm afraid.
我害怕下回我再被♥干♥倒的时候会发生什么
I'm afraid of what happens the next time I get knocked down.
每个人都可能被打倒
Any man can get knocked down.
而英雄是跌倒了再爬起来的人
The hero is the man who gets back up.
所以现在 捡起你的剑
Now... pick up your sword.
哈
Ha!
哈
Ha!
哈
Ha!
我不知道这有什么用
I don't see how this is helping.
15...
每一个故事里
# There comes a time in every tale #
16...
每次英雄需要胜利时
# When the hero must prevail #
总要峰回路转陷进困难里
# Gonna be an epic fail #
-34 35 36 -除非救星来到
- 34, 35, 36... - # Unless you show some pluck #
当磨练的序幕拉开
# Once the training sequence starts #
-你就变得有些man有些帅 -啊
- # You gotta grow some manly parts # - Aah!
我说的是主流故事
# I'm talking big ones... Off the charts... #
非主流的都弱爆了
# Or else the plot will suck #
所以萌萌站起来吧
# So stand up! #
为荣誉而战
# And go for glory #
像个爷们吧
# Stand up! #
不然还讲个屁的故事呐
# Or there is no story #
站 起 来 吧
# Stand up!
别把你的传奇变成笑话
# Don't let your legend suck #
真尼玛帅
Damn.
你现在又棒又酷
# Now you're lookin' pumped and cut #
该是时候外穿你勇气的三角裤
# And it's time to check your gut #
逆袭邪恶让他们嘤嘤啼哭
# Gotta kick your rival's butt #
然后剧终 如若不然