善地

The Good Place S02E03

Part 3 Dec. 11, 2019, 4:13 p.m.

It's just hot ocean milk with dead animal croutons.
我们怎么办啊惊慌吗还是吓尿吗
Okay, but what do we do, panic, freak?
我一般是惊慌但现在绝对是吓尿啊
I usually panic, but I am happy to freak.
不我们得保持冷静
No. We have to stay cool.
我妈常说
As my mom always used to say,
如果警♥察♥把你拷在自行车架上
if a cop handcuffs you to a bike rack,
总有你能咬断的东西
there's always something you can gnaw through.
你妈常说吗
Your mom always said that?
快灵光闪现啊
Come on, brain.
-珍妮特 -你好
- Janet! - Hi, there.
-有何吩咐 -等下等下
- How can I help you? - Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
你怎么知道她不是他们的人
How do we know she's not a part of it?
不知道只能冒险一试了
We don't, but we gotta risk it.
珍妮特我们能离开这里
Janet, can we, like, leave the neighborhood,
远走高飞吗
get as far away as possible?
有去处吗
Is there anywhere we can go?
我们在"恶地"
So we're in the Bad Place,
我知道原因 "杏仁奶"
and I know why: almond milk.
我知道这有害环境
I knew it was bad for the environment,
但我还是喜欢它的口感
but I loved the way it coated my tongue with a weird film.
这里还有谁受折磨啊只有我们俩吗
Who else is being tortured? Are we the only two?
我得说杰森也是... 建宇
I got to assume Jason is as well... Jianyu.
就是你认识的建宇但他真名叫杰森
You know him as Jianyu, but his real name is Jason,
他是个来自弗罗里达的傻帽
and he's a dirtbag from Florida.
-什么 -还有
- What? - Also,
我觉得塔哈妮也有可能
Tahani is a candidate as far as I'm concerned.
昨天她还跟我说她是"霉霉"的闺蜜
Yesterday, she told me that she was Taylor Swift's best friend
但"霉霉"不是她的闺蜜
but Taylor Swift wasn't her best friend.
她就是个烂人
She sucks.
你别见怪但我真没想到我死后的下场跟你一样
No offense, but I can't believe you and I ended up in the same place.
我也不愿意跟你待在一起小哥
Hey, I'm not thrilled about it either, bud.
我一直以为"死后世界"都是好玩的人呢
I always assumed the afterlife was full of cool people,
而不是满嘴仁义道德的书呆子
not talking sweater vests.
-你... -我们到了
- You... - We're here.
火车很赞吧
Aren't trains neat?
你好你得帮我们
Hi. You gotta help us.
我是埃莉诺这是奇迪
I'm Eleanor. This is Chidi.
是这样我们以为去了"善地"
And see, we thought we were in the Good Place,
-但结果发现... -我知道各位
- but as it turns out... - Yeah, guys. I know.
你们已经来了15次了
You've been here 15 times already.
什么
What?
我让你们带可♥卡♥因♥来带来了吗
Did you bring the cocaine I asked for?
拜托你们这次记得吧
Please tell me you somehow remembered this time.
姐需要可♥卡♥因♥的"治愈"
Mama needs her medicine.
我们见过吗
We've met before?
-我是珍妮特 -我知道
- I'm Janet. - I know.
薇琪我们着眼一下大局吧
Vicky, let's look at the big picture here.
如果你们可以继续配合我的演出
Now, if you all can just stick with my plan
演成功了我们就是英雄了
and we pull it off, we'll be heroes.
你想开什么条件没有啊
You could write your own ticket.
你说不定还能把赛百味的收银杰拉德泡到手呢
You might even land the Jared from Subway account.
嗯但我不觉得你能导演好这出戏
Yeah, but I don't think you can pull it off.
你连领结都戴不出范儿来
You can't even pull off those bow ties.
说得太狠了
That was very mean,
但我重视团队凝聚力所以就不追究了
but I'm gonna move past that in the name of unit cohesion.
你再重启那四个傻人类一次
You're gonna reboot those four dum-dums one more time,
然后我来当导演
and then I'm taking over.
我要按我的剧本来导演这场戏
I'm going to execute my version of this neighborhood.
你的剧本演不下去时
You see, I've been working on it
我一直在写我的剧本
while all of your versions fell apart.
你这是以下犯上
This is insubordination.
如果你不马上按我说的话去做
And if you do not do what I tell you immediately,
你就死定了
you are going down.
这是一份你犯下的所有错误报告
That's a complete report of every mistake you've made,
每一次搞砸每一次重启
every screw-up, every reboot
全都极其详细地写在上面
all laid out in excruciating detail.
你上司肯定很想知道
Now, I'm sure your boss would love to hear all about
所谓的"第二场"究竟进展如何
how "Attempt number 2" is really going.
所以事实是如果你不按我说的来
So actually, if you don't do what I say,
你就死定了
you're going down.
永无翻身之日了
Down under.
总是我们三个过来吗
Is it always the three of us?
至少有埃莉诺和珍妮特
It's always at least Eleanor and Janet.
一般奇迪会在其中
Usually Chidi's in the mix.
有时候是杰森
Sometimes Jason is here.
有一次杰森和塔哈妮过来了
One time, Jason and Tahani were here.
但不管是什么组合
But you know what? No matter what the combo is,
我每次都让你们带可♥卡♥因♥过来
I always ask you guys to bring me cocaine next time,
你们从没拿来过
and you never do.
你有什么东西可以给我吸吗
Do you have anything I can snort,
阿司匹林碎末
like a crushed-up aspirin
或是眼影粉或是可♥卡♥因♥吗
or some eye shadow or cocaine?
都说了没有
Still no.
我们现在就只有一个问题了
There's only one question we need to answer right now,
就是我们接下来怎么办
and that is, what do we do next?
这里也不算很糟
I mean, this place doesn't seem terrible.
也许我们可以就待在这里不走了
Maybe we should just stay here forever.
你每次都这么说
You always say that.
而每次你最后都会选择回去
And you always end up going back.
有时候你回去是因为你内疚
I mean, sometimes you go back because you feel bad
因为你的朋友不知道你掌握的事
your friends don't know what you know.
有时候离开
Sometimes you go back
是因为我自♥慰♥时被你撞见了
because you walk in on me while I'm masturbating,
有时候离开
and sometimes you go back
是因为我自♥慰♥时故意让你撞见了
because I walk in on you while I'm masturbating.
但不管怎样你总是会回去
But no matter what, you always go back.
你想出打败迈克尔的计策就回去了
You formulate a plan to defeat Michael, and you head back.
对计策我们需要一个计策...
Okay, a plan. We need a plan, but...
但万一我们已经用过这个计策了呢
What if we come up with a plan we've already tried before?
你能不这样吗
Will you please stop that?
帮你们一点小忙
Yeah, just to help you out a little,
我把你们想出的每一个计策都写下来了
I've written down every plan you've ever come up with,
但基本上都没用因为你们在这里
which obviously never worked, because you're here,
又回来了所以祝你们好运吧
and you're back, so good luck.
"跟迈克尔硬碰硬"
"Physically attack Michael."
"勾引迈克尔"
"Seduce Michael."
"让迈克尔以为他才是身在'恶地'的人"
"Make Michael think he's the one in the Bad Place."
"抓到那只魔法熊猫借助她的魔力"
"Catch that magic panda. Use her powers."
这应该是杰森想出的点子
I'm guessing that was Jason.
那家伙真是一点概念都没有
That guy has no idea what's going on.
有人吗有人吗
Hello? Hello.
大家都去哪了
Where is everyone?
-珍妮特 -你好杰森
- Janet? - Hey, there, Jason.
你好啊哥们
Hey, homey.
你叫我... 杰森吗
I mean... Jason?
谁是杰森我是个佛僧
Who is Jason? I am a monk.
好了
You know what...
我能跟你聊几句吗
Can I talk to you for a second?
我有难处了
I'm in a tight spot,
我需要有人给我出出主意
and I could use someone to bounce some ideas off of, okay?
先给你补下剧情
Yeah, real quick,
你其实身在"恶地"
you're really in the Bad Place,
你一直被我们折磨
and you're being tortured.
啥玩意
What?
我知道这里已经说试过
I know it says here that we already tried
把塔哈妮往火坑里推
throwing Tahani under the bus,
但我们也许该再试一次
but maybe we should revisit that.
再用点猛力推进去
Throw her a little bit harder.
推完再火上加油
Maybe under a bigger bus.
你觉得怎么样
What do you think?
我觉得这毫无意义