善地

The Good Place S02E12

Part 3 Dec. 11, 2019, 4:15 p.m.

I'm such an idiot.
我忘记吃卷饼了
I forgot to eat my burrito.
我当时也好饿来着
And I was so hungry, too.
我真傻
What a dork.
显然这就是测试吧
Okay, obviously, this is the test, right?
法官肯定给杰森和塔哈妮开出了同样的条件
I bet the Judge gave Jason and Tahani the same offer,
而选择离开的那一对
and whichever couple takes it,
其实就失败了而另外一对就真通过了
actually loses and the other two get in for real.
太坏了
Diabolical.
法官
Judge.
-我们识破你... -不是
- We figured out what you're really-- - Nope.
我没给塔哈妮和杰森开出同样的条件
Tahani and Jason have not been given the same offer.
你们自己看吧
Here, take a look.
塔哈妮的测试是走过一段走廊
Tahani's test is to walk down the hallway
对那些八卦自己的人置若罔闻
and not get tempted by her gossiping friends.
杰森则是玩游戏
Jason is playing video games.
好知道了
Okay, cool.
抱歉虽说可能不该这么和至尊法官说话
Sorry, I feel weird saying this to an almighty judge,
但你下巴上沾了辣椒酱
but you have hot sauce on your chin.
谢谢
Thank you.
这其实不是辣椒酱
It's actually not hot sauce.
而是"嫉妒"
It's envy.
应该说"嫉妒的化身"
Or, the concept of envy.
配墨西哥食物特别好吃
It's really good on Mexican food,
"妒火"让辣味更爽
it gives it a little kick.
我们怎么办
Okay, so what do we do?
坏了这是陷入道德困境的苦瓜脸
No, that was your moral quandary grimace,
跟胀气痛的苦瓜脸不同
which is different from your gas pain grimace.
跟别人把"何处而来"
And different from your someone said
说成是"何处来"的苦瓜脸也不一样
"From whence it came" instead of "whence it came" grimace.
有话就说吧
So, spit it out, man.
如果这不是测试
Well, if this isn't a test,
那么情况更糟
then it's something way worse.
-何以见得 -这是个选择我们要做出选择
- What? - A choice... that we have to make.
为什么我们的永生归属就这么艰难啊
Yeah, you know, why can't one part of the calculation of our eternal fate be easy?
不知道
I don't know.
哈里王子威廉王子 "王子"
"奎文赞妮·瓦利斯"和史蒂芬·金
Quvenzhane Wallis and Stephen Hawking
在同一间屋里讨论我吗
in the same room discussing me?
估计是瞎编出来的组合
Guess they must've made up.
别分心
Focus.
菲姬「约克公爵夫人」
菲姬「黑眼豆豆主唱」
"善地"里有好多菲姬可以认识呢
There'll be Fergies a-plenty in the Good Place.
瓦卡斯·阿贾米尔马妮莎·阿贾米尔
我不知道我们怎么没把塔哈妮养好
I don't know where we went wrong with Tahani.
就是啊跟她姐姐相比她真是好没出息
I know, she is such a disappointment compared to her sister.
父亲
Hello, Father.
母亲
Hello, Mother.
塔哈妮
Hello, Tahani.
我们正在说
We were just talking about
跟你姐姐相比你好没出息
how you're a huge disappointment compared to your sister.
坐吧我们想听听你的想法
Have a seat, we'd love to get your take.
赛况如何了
How's it going in here?
我零比三落后
I'm losing by three.
正在冥想让自己冷静下来
Meditating to calm myself down.
如果你让我选美洲虎队而不是与其对抗
I'd be winning by, like, a million if I could play as the Jags
我现在早赢无数次了
instead of playing against the Jags.
我不喜欢赢下我最爱的球队
I hate scoring against my own favorite team.
但你早就知道了
But you already knew that.
因为这就是测试内容
Because this is the test!
没什么好恍然一大悟的
Yeah, that's not a revelation or something.
我之前都说得很清楚了
I explained that very clearly.
见到你真好塔哈妮
It's nice to see you, Tahani.
显然虽不知你去了哪里
Apparently, wherever you've been,
但你吃得很好
they've been keeping you well-fed.
其实我冒了很大风险进来这里
You know, I've actually risked quite a lot to be in this room right now,
所以如果你们能对我稍微友善一点
so if you could just not be cruel for maybe 30 seconds,
就好了
that would be lovely.
抱歉我们很久没见到你了
Apologies, it's been a while since we've seen you.
我们有很多你姐姐的消息要告诉你
We have so much to tell you about your sister.
我们刚听到了一个超棒的消息
We've just heard the most wonderful news.
卡米拉把上一张专辑献予你了
Kamilah dedicated her last album to you.
真的吗
Really?
她是献予其粉丝但你也是她的粉丝之一嘛
Well, she dedicated it to her fans and you're one of her fans.
这个测试的重点就是
The whole point of this afterlife test
屋里的人都应该讨论我
is that everyone in these rooms is supposed to be talking about me.
然而即便在这种情况下
And yet, even in this scenario,
你们还是张口闭口"卡米拉"
you are still talking about Kamilah.
这就是重点了
Which is exactly the point.
我永远都没法让你们满意
I was never going to be enough for you.
永远都无法赢得你们的尊重
Never going to earn your respect.
其实我做了很多你们不会允许我做的事
You know, I've done things that you would never have approved of.
我死去时穿着一身服务生的衣服
I died, dressed as someone in the service industry,
我睡了一个佛罗里达州汉子
I shagged a Floridian,
我还吃了一个膨化芝士条
I even ate a Cheeto.
没错还大声咀嚼呢
That's right. Chewing it was deafening.
我从来都没那么快乐过
And it's the happiest I have ever been.
别伤心亲爱的
Don't get upset, dear.
这裙子本来也不合身了
You barely fit in that dress,
这裙子恐怕要被你撑破了
and I'm afraid you're going to hulk out, as it were.
好吧
Okay.
我很遗憾我们生前关系不好
I'm sorry we didn't have a better relationship.
我祝福你们
And I wish you both the best.
好了缺心眼有遗言吗
All right, idiot, any last words?
赶紧动手让我"退休"吧
Go ahead and retire me already.
不会让你"退休" 迈克尔
You're not getting retired, Michael.
不"退休"吗
I'm not?
不 "退休"是一出大戏
No, retirement is a spectacle.
大家都会看着灼热的长勺挖出你的精髓
Everyone would see the flaming ladles go down your throat.
都会听见你永世不灭的惨叫
Everyone would hear your eternal shrieks of agony,
一场酷刑大戏然后他们会问你有何罪过
blah, blah, blah, then they'd ask me what you did.
我可不能让别人问你发生了什么事
I don't need that kind of scrutiny right now.
所以我要把你永世关在这个无人问津的房♥间里
So, I'm just gonna throw you in this unmarked room for the rest of eternity.
既然你这么爱人类
And since it seems you love humans so much,
我就把你当人类来折磨
I'll torture you like one.
那一摞《纽约客》杂♥志♥就是你永世唯一的娱乐方式
All you'll have for entertainment is that giant stack of "New Yorker" magazines.
别这么狠啊
Come on.
我们都知道我从来不看那些
You and I both know I'll never read those.
我当然知道你不看了
Of course you won't.
但杂♥志♥会永远停不下来哦
But they'll just keep coming.
再见迈克尔
Goodbye, Michael.
走之前送你邪恶版珍妮特"香屁"一个
We will leave you with one of Bad Janet's classic farts.
臭气会持续一千万年之久
The smell will linger for 10 million years.
好了接我"香屁"一个
All right, here comes the boom!
等下
Wait, actually,
我憋足劲儿放屁之前
before I absolutely let it rip,
-我要先做一件事 -什么
- I just have one more thing I have to do. - What?
是我良善版珍妮特
It's me, Good Janet.
珍妮特
Janet.
我还以为你被缩成弹珠了
I thought you were a marble.
我耍的小花招
That was a trick.
我意识到如果想解救小伙伴们
I realized if we wanted our friends to have any chance of survival,
我就得短时间内学会怎么做坏事
I had to learn how to do a lot of bad things really quickly.
所以我就那么做了
So, I did.
我现在准备好做回良善版珍妮特了
Now I'm ready to go back to being nice again.
怎么回事
What happened?
好从现在开始做回善版
Okay, now I'll be nice again.
你能别走了吗
Could you please stop doing that?
这有助于我思考
It helps me think.
我们能讨论的论点都讨论完了
We've been through every argument.
契约主义康德主义
Contractualist, Kantian,
超人会怎么做