节哀顺变（2018）

请问洗手间在哪里
Where can I find the restroom?
走廊走到底右转
Down the hall, hang a right.
就在双开门前面
Just before the double doors.
你需要什么吗？咖啡或茶？
Did you want anything? A coffee or a tea?
不用了，谢谢你　　不客气
-Oh, no, I'm good. Thank you, though. -Sure.
你找我？
You wanted to see me?
你好，泰勒　　什么事…
-Hey, Tyler. -So...
好，所以你花了三页分♥析♥
Okay, so you spent 3 pages analyzing the lake scene
达西先生在湖边脱掉湿上衣的场景
in which Mr Darcy takes off his wet shirt.
珍柯士甸的小说里从没有写过
That never happened in Jane Austen's novel.
是哥连费夫在BBC迷你剧中演到的
Colin Firth did it in the BBC miniseries.
你觉得这很好笑？
So you think this is funny?
「你」、「它」都用错了
Wrong 'you're.' Wrong 'its.'
不分段、被动语态，要我继续说吗
Run-on, passive voice... should I continue?
星期一前把书看完
You have until Monday to actually read the book
重写一篇报告给我
and write me a new paper.
这周末我要带女友去迪士尼乐园
This weekend I'm taking my girlfriend to Disneyland...
好，你去吧，等着拿不合格吧
Oh, fine! Fine! You get an F!
要勇于在乎，老兄
'Dare to Care,' man.
我改的时间比你写作的时间还长
I spent more time grading this than you spent writing it.
星期一交，不用客气
Monday. You're welcome.
你们好
Hey.
有人看到红色休旅车是谁停的吗
Anybody see who parked that red SUV?
你们不会刚好知道哪里能买♥♥毒品吧
You guys wouldn't happen to know where I can find some drugs?
你是缉毒警♥察♥吗
Are you a narc?
你是格里老师的亲戚？
You're related to Mr Greer?
他是我哥，曾经是
He's my brother. Was.
抱歉我们没参加活动
Sorry we're not at the event.
听着，现在我们不能卖♥♥你
Look, we can't deal right now.
那你们在做什么？练习照顾自己？
So you're what? Practicing self-care?
可以和我分享吗
You gonna share?
多重宇宙中存在无数个可能的世界
Okay, so countless possible worlds exist in the multiverse.
只有稀有生物鹏洛客才能穿越次元
Only rare beings called Planeswalkers can traverse dimensions.
那真是太棒了　　我知道
-Well, that's kind of awesome. -I know.
好吧　　你好
-All right. -Hey, there.
你好
Hey.
你们在做什么
What are you guys up to?
在玩宇宙战斗，你呢
Oh, you know, just engaging in cosmic combat. You?
我来收哈维退休礼物的钱
I'm collecting for Harvey's retirement present.
对
Oh, right.
匹克威克花♥园♥的100元礼券
100 dollar gift card to Pickwick Gardens.
天啊，我退休时请给我更好的礼物
Jesus. When I retire, please do better.
别这样
Hey.
你人真好
That's really nice of you.
不，我是要好好教训他
Oh, no. I'm gonna kick his a**.
抱歉
Sorry.
玩得开心
Have fun.
好了
All right.
这些是生物卡，那是地卡
So these are Creature cards. And then that's a Land card.
可以把对手的分数从20降到0
You use that to bring your opponent's score from 20 to zero.
我希望有很多人来，但这是自愿的
I'm hoping for a good turnout, but it's voluntary,
他们又是青少年，所以…
and we're talking about teenagers, so...
就在这里
It's right here.
我准备好哈维的礼物和蛋糕了
Hey, doing Harvey's gift and cake.
太好了
Oh, good.
那是什么
What is that?
天啊
Wow.
你有个秘密天赋
You have a secret talent.
这确实是秘密，但不是什么天赋
Well, secret, yes. Talent, no.
那些二年级的学生怎么样
Hey, how's it going year 2?
听说孩子们很喜欢你
I mean, I hear the kids really like you.
我只想跟他们打成一片
I just want to reach 'em, you know?
真正地交流
Really connect.
就像你在午餐时所做的事
Like you, at lunch.
那算是在赎罪
That was penance.
为我稍早犯的错赎罪
Penance for earlier sins... I don't know.
我今天稍早对一个孩子发脾气
Yeah, I lost it on a kid earlier today.
场面不太好看，我想我吓到他了
Not a good look. I think I scared him.
泰勒没那么容易吓到
Tyler wasn't that scared.
他在我第四节课上课时
I have him fourth period.
跟别人说你的内♥裤♥穿太紧了
He was telling people your panties were on too tight.
提醒我，我们到底为什么要当老师
Why do we do this, again?
为了钱、车子、衣服、女人
The money, the cars, the clothes, the hos.
高三时，我的英文老师教我阅读
You know, in senior year,
my English teacher taught me how to read.
永远不嫌晚，很好啊　　天啊，不
-Never too late. Good for you. -Oh, God, no.
那是我在高中唯一记得的
It was like one of the 3 or 4 things
少数几件事
that I remember from high school.
就是爱上《罪与罚》
Falling in love with 'Crime and Punishment.'
那些文字不仅是文字，人物是活的
The words weren't just words. The characters were alive.
柏克莱历史系125A班
History 125A at Berkeley.
真希望我也能教那种东西
I wish I could teach that kind of stuff.
我在台上谈论邦克山战役
Like I'm up here talking about the Battle of Bunker Hill,
孩子们却以为
and the kids think history's about dead people in wigs.
历史是关于戴假发的死人
我应该教他们瓦茨暴♥动♥
I should be talking about Watts,
洛杉矶暴♥动♥，你懂我的意思吗
the L.A. riots, you know what I mean?
听着，你不能放弃课程，但…
Yeah. Look, you can't ditch the curriculum.
But...
你可以做别的事
but you can do other things.
你能在墙上贴海报，鼓励他们发问
You can put posters on the wall to make them ask questions.
也可以出很难的考题
You can...you can make your tests insanely hard
他们就得做加分题，学习其他知识
so they have to do the extra credit and learn about the other stuff.
没错，那些都是好主意
Yeah, those are good ideas.
要去做蛋糕了吗
Ready for cake?
不难的，只是蛋糕　　你说得对
-It's not hard, it's cake. -Okay, you're right.
柠檬
Lemon.
什么？确实美味　　这是他的最爱
-Yo, what? Yeah, it's delicious... -It's his favorite. Come on.
好吧，你说得对
No, you're right.
麦特和我以前会一起抽烟
Matt and I used to smoke together.
不可能，格里老师很拘谨
No way. Mr Greer was so uptight.
他总是很紧绷
He was always, like, clenching.
他吸毒后一定很无聊
He must've been so boring when he was high.
不会，他很好笑
No, he was hilarious.
怎么说
Like how?
麦特在高中参加过模拟联♥合♥国♥
So Matt did Model UN in high school, right?
有天早上，他在会议前吸兴奋了
And this one time he got stoned the morning before a conference.
他穿上西装代表列支敦士登
He put his suit on and went to represent Liechtenstein
出席联♥合♥国♥大会
in the UN General Assembly.
列支敦士登是什么
What's Liechtenstein?
那是个城市，笨蛋
It's a city, dumba**.
是国家
It's a country.
跟格伦代尔差不多大，但人更少
It's about the size of Glendale, but way less people.
你们真的应该多去上课
You guys really need to go to class more.
总之，麦特脑袋不清楚
Anyway, Matt was out of his mind.
他在上千人面前发表了他的高见
And he gets up in front of, like, a thousand people
and goes on this epic rant.
「列支敦士登已取得核武」
I mean, 'Liechtenstein has acquired nukes.'
「我们受够了任人摆布」
'We are tired of being a little bitch of a country!'
他那么说？
He said that?
然后他从秘♥书♥长♥手中抢走木锤
Then he grabs the gavel from the Secretary-General
开始敲打木锤
and starts banging it.
他说「列支敦士登侯国要求尊重」
He's like, 'The Principality of Liechtenstein demands respect.'
「我们要尊重」
'Respect!'
「我们不会任人摆布」
'We will not be your bitch!'
他不断那样说
And he couldn't stop saying it.
大家都快被他搞疯了
People were losing their minds.
不可能
No way.
那才是真正的麦特
That's the real Matt.
格里老师其实很有型
Mr Greer was actually cool.
格里老师会说最老套的老爹笑话
Mr Greer told the corniest jokes. Like, dad jokes.
谢谢各位前来
Thank you all for coming.