节哀顺变（2018）

我辞掉工作，买♥♥了一辆摩托车
See, I quit my job, got a motorcycle,
我在社交应用程序上滑到一个
and I went on Tinder and swiped right
抱着羊驼宝宝的女孩的照片
on a girl holding a baby llama.
我要跟小蕾求婚
I'm gonna ask Leigh to marry me,
所以你得想办法喜欢她
so you need to figure out a way to like her.
麦特，不，别这么做
Matt, no, do not.
时间上没问题吧
Are we good on time?
没问题，我妈和我姐都在上班
Yeah, my mom and sister are at work.
太好了
Perfect.
茱尔丝有个很好的机会
Jules has this great opportunity,
但是我总觉得事情不会有好结果
but I have this horrible feeling that it is not gonna turn out right.
今晚的事不如你所愿，我很遗憾
Tonight didn't go your way and I'm sorry,
但那不是妈或我的错
but that is not Mom's fault or mine.
我应该相信自己的
I should've maybe trusted myself,
但我总是透过你的眼睛看我自己
but I can't stop seeing myself through your eyes.
我在这里待得越久
And the longer I stay here,
就越没办法改变对自己的看法
the less I'll be able to see myself any other way.
(小蕾，你给我500字的礼物)
(德鲁)
妆前乳是什么鬼
What the hell is primerizer?
我觉得我这只眼睛画得还不错
I think I did an okay job on this eye,
但这只眼睛就是画不好
but I couldn't make this one match.
我觉得看起来不对称
I think my eyes are lopsided.
我看起来很怪吗
Do I look weird?
我不会这样出门，但你还是很美
well, I wouldn't go out like that, but you always look pretty.
那是什么
What is that?
德鲁寄给我的
Drew sent this to me.
我以为是按♥摩♥棒♥，但显然是洗脸机
I thought it was a vibrator, but apparently it's for cleansing.
你跟茱尔丝聊过了吗
Have you talked to Jules?
有，她一副没事的样子
Yeah, she was doing that thing where she acts like nothing's wrong
但你知道她很不爽
but you know she's mad.
对，我很熟悉那种感觉
Oh, yes, I am familiar with that thing.
她会释怀的　　我知道，但是…
-She'll get over it. -I know, but...
只不过…
it's just...
圣诞节就快到了
you know, Christmas is right around the corner and...
我不确定你对今年圣诞节有何感觉
I wasn't sure how you felt about Christmas this year.
我通常是支持过节的　　亲爱的
-I'm generally pro-holiday. -Honey.
老实说，我不知道该期待什么
Honestly, I don't know what to expect.
如果你不想的话
We don't have to do anything Christmasy
我们不用做跟圣诞节有关的事
if you don't want to.
真的吗？所以你才买♥♥这个？
Really, is that why you bought this?
只是以防万一
Well, it was just in case.
不要有压力，我可以退回去
I mean, no pressure. You know, I can return it.
我不想为打破萧家的节日传统负责
I don't want to be responsible for breaking a Shaw holiday tradition.
听着
Look...
我知道圣诞节可能会让你很难过
I know Christmas might be hard,
但这不正是我们需要它的原因吗
but isn't that why we need it,
尤其是今年
especially this year?
这个节日让全家人团聚在一起
It's a time for the whole family to come together
我们是萧家小队
and, you know, Team Shaw.
但是不要有压力
But no pressure.
我太强人所难了吗　　不会
-Am I pushing too hard? -No.
不，我想试试看
No. I want to try.
不必勉强
We don't have to.
我知道
I know.
要来点沙冰吗
Do you want a smoothie?
好，我饿坏了　　好的
-Yes, I'm starving. -Great.
谢谢
Thank you.
你觉得如何
What do you think?
很遗憾，这是你包得最好的一个
Oh, hey, sadly, that looks like your best work.
可恶
Damn.
我本来想在商场找个包礼物的工作
I was hoping to land a job wrapping gifts at the mall.
幸好妈妈不在意包装
Yeah, well good thing Mom doesn't care how it looks.
你送她什么
What'd you get her?
我送她一只智能手表，但是…
I got her a Fitbit, but...
真正的礼物是准时带你回去过节
my real gift is bringing your a** to Christmas on time.
别像去年那样抛下我
Don't ditch me like you did last year.
我没有抛下你　　是吗
-I did not ditch you, man. -Yeah.
雪莉阿姨开始骂我不生孩子时
Aunt Cheryl starts yelling at me for not having any kids,
我往旁边一看，你已经走了
I look around, and you're gone.
那是因为积斯甸舅舅把我拉进厨房♥
That's because Uncle Justin pulled me into the kitchen
不让我走
and wouldn't let me go
除非我答应把所有货币换成黄金
until I promised to convert all of my currency to gold.
他还在想世界末日的事？天啊
He's still into that Armageddon thing? Jeez.
去那里我们得彼此照应
We gotta look out for each other in there, man.
对，若我们分开了，也要保持警戒
Yeah, okay. And if we get separated, we keep an eye out.
不能丢下同伴
Leave no man behind.
就像海豹六队
Like SEAL Team 6.
这是排上厕所的队伍吗
Wait, is this the line for the bathroom?
算了
Screw that.
不好意思，你不能上去
Excuse me. Yeah, you can't go up there.
我必须上去，我要小便
I have to go up there. I have to pee.
不，谁都不能上楼
No, nobody's allowed upstairs.
但我必须…
Yeah, I gotta do it...
那边有一间厕所
There's a bathroom right over there.
好，你看到排队人潮了吗
Okay, have you seen the line?
是，但我们不希望任何人上楼
Yeah, we're just asking that nobody goes upstairs.
你有看到告示吗
Have you seen the sign?
好，你要我蹲下来尿在地板上吗
Okay, so, do you want me to just squat and pee on your floor?
我会这么做
'Cause I will.
谁能去叫佐敦　　对，叫佐敦来
-Can somebody get Jordan? -Yeah, somebody get Jordan.
告诉他这个派对烂透了，音乐难听
Tell him this party sucks, the music blows,
耶稣降生场景蠢死了
your nativity scene is stupid as s**t,
甚至没有真正的食物
and you don't even have any real food.
你在笑什么
What are you laughing at?
没什么　　你知道吗
-Nothing. -You know what,
我要拿手袋走人了，这太蠢了
I'm gonna get my bag. This is stupid.
那女的疯了，到底是谁带她来的
That girl is certifiable. Literally, who brought her here?
你好…
-Hi. -Hey.
有空吗
You got a minute?
当然，怎么了
Of course, what's up?
住在李察和萨布丽娜家还顺利吗
How's Richard and Sabrina's?
很好，他们很喜欢我
Oh, it's great. They actually like me.
下次见，各位
See you next time, guys.
听着，我知道你很生气
Look, I know you're mad.
我没有生气
I'm not mad.
我只是想试着做些有益身心的事
I'm just trying to do the healthy thing
设定界线
and create boundaries.
你选错时间设定界线
Well, you picked a bad time to create boundaries.
圣诞节要到了
It's Christmas.
难怪会有圣诞灯饰
Oh, well that explains the Christmas lights
圣诞树和圣诞音乐
and Christmas trees and Christmas music.
所以你不回家一起做装饰
So you're not gonna come home and do the ornaments
或是做姜饼屋？
or the gingerbread house?
茱尔丝，你是唯一擅长的人
Jules, you're the only one that's good at it.
我忙着找自己的房♥子
I'm busy looking for my own place.
你无法负担自己的生活开销
You can't afford to live on your own.
我可以租间套房♥　　在爱达荷州吗
-I can afford a studio somewhere. -Where, Idaho?
听着，妈妈需要你帮忙
Look, Mom needs this,
而且她真心希望你回家过节
and she really wants you home for the holidays.
我也有我想要的东西
Well, there are things that I want too.
茱尔丝，圣诞节家里少了一个人
Okay, Jules, Christmas is already hard enough
已经够难熬了
without one member of the family.
好了，我希望能够…
Okay, I hope I see you...
在家里见到你
at home.
我以为你拿手袋走人了
I thought you were getting your bag.
我就知道，他们甚至不吃素
I knew it, they're not even vegan.
你怎么认识洁丝的
How do you know Jess?
我不认识，我擅自闯入这派对
I don't. I'm crashing this party.
你认真的吗
Seriously?
我今早被甩
I got dumped this morning