燃情克利夫兰

And put one of those frowny faces with the angry eyes.
我回他说 "我觉得这样不太好吧"
I'm texting him back, "I'm not sure."
我得好好想想
I'm gonna have to think about this.
"在我等待的期间 可以用下你家洗手间吗"
"While I'm waiting, can I use your bathroom?"
安德斯 这太疯狂了
Anders, this is crazy.
你已经和金姆订婚了
You're engaged to Kim.
跟你说实话 我和她闹矛盾了
Well, truth is, we've been having some problems.
典型作风
Typical.
他和那个小荡♥妇♥分手了
He breaks up with his bimbo,
就回头找梅兰妮
then comes running back to Melanie.
真是不要脸
That's just morally wrong.
要我说宰了他
I say we kill him.
我们现在什么都不能做
We can't do anything now.
我们的处境 是左右不是人
I mean, we're in girlfriend purgatory.
如果劝她甩掉他 而他们又复婚了
If we tell her to dump him and they end up getting remarried,
我们便完蛋了
then we're screwed.
如果我们什么都不说 而他再次伤透她的心
But if we don't say anything and he ends up breaking her heart again,
我们还是完蛋
we're screwed.
上帝啊
God.
我想你 梅兰妮 想念我们的过去
I miss you, Melanie. And I miss us.
有时候 我也会想你
Well, there are times that, you know, I miss you too.
可是
But...
好吧
Oh, okay.
吃顿晚饭没什么大不了的
One dinner wouldn't hurt, right?
我们完蛋了
We're screwed.
炒蛋炖蛋一锅端
Screwed, stewed, and tattooed.
这是田纳西·威廉姆写的台词
That's from a Tennessee William's play.
我在夏季剧团里演过埃斯梅拉达
I played Esmeralda in summer stock.
我原以为
You know, I didn't think
这个话题不可能让你扯到自己
you'd be able to make this about yourself.
我太低估你了
I underestimated you.
乔依 我刚经历了这辈子最恐怖的事情
Oh, Joy. I just had the scare of my life.
你又在日光灯下穿衣服啦
Did you get dressed under overhead lighting again?
是的 我在想
Yes, and I'm thinking about
是否要实施维多利亚双峰计划
getting the plans out again for Victoria 2.0.
我需要你说服我 到底是做还是不做
And I need you to either talk me into it or out of it.
没有下垂 胸下挺骨感的
No sag, visible ribbage.
嘿 这可是吃饭的地方
Hey, people eat in here!
你怎么总在别人屋子里晃悠
Don't you have a house of your own?
我需要听听意见
I need advice.
麦克斯和尼克都邀请我参加今晚
Both Max and Nick have invited me
老年中心的"夏威夷风情夜"
to the senior center luau tonight.
什么时候开始
What time is the luau?
晚餐时间啊
Dinnertime.
4点半
4:30.
那就陪一个去"夏威夷风情夜"
So go to the luau with one,
再陪另一个喝喝睡前小酒
and meet the other after for a nightcap.
谢了 我就待家里好了
Thank you, I'll stay home.
这跟我说的正好相反
Yeah, but that's the opposite of what I said.
我知道 你的爱情之路正好是反面教材
I know. I've seen your love life.
我特么的
Oh, sugar foot!
那该死的台阶总是绊到我
I always trip on that gosh darn step.
就像你在出演剧作家马梅的作品
Ugh, it's like a Mamet play in here.
好了 我需要你们的帮助
Okay, I need your help.
米兰贝拉餐厅对于和
Do you guys think Mirabella's
安德斯共进午餐来说 是否太浪漫了
is too romantic a place for a lunch with Anders?
为什么大家有了爱情问题就来问我们
Why is everyone always asking us for romantic advice?
就是啊 什么时候我俩变成基友闺蜜了
Yeah, since when did we become the gay best friend?
你们得帮帮我 我好困惑
You guys gotta help me, I'm so confused.
一方面 我花了好长时间才忘了安德斯
On the one hand, it took me a long time to get over Anders.
那就取消午餐吧
Well, then cancel lunch.
可另一方面
But on the other hand,
我一直幻想着他回头苦苦哀求
I've always dreamed he'd come crawling back.
那就去吧
Then go.
那里的情侣巧克力慕斯可棒了
They make a delicious chocolate mousse for two.
有个情人分着吃肯定味道更好
It's probably even better if you have someone to share it with.
你们这是在和稀泥
You're sending mixed messages.
我们只是保持明智的中立
We're just staying wisely neutral.
拜托 给点意见吧 随便什么
Please, just give me something, anything!
每次我考虑是否要和旧爱复合时
Okay, whenever I'm considering getting back with an ex,
我就会把他送我的结婚戒指戴上
I always try on the wedding ring he gave me.
戴上后如果感觉很对的话 是不是就明白了
Oh, and then if you slip it on and it feels right you know?
事实上 我更注重戒指的克拉数
Actually, I go more by how many karats
和映入眼中的熠熠光芒
are bouncing light back into my eyes.
不过我觉得你的方法也会管用的
But I'm sure your way would work too.
梅梅还没准备好
Mel's not ready.
我们是来拖住你的
We're here to stall.
-要来点红酒吗 -不用了
- Would you like some wine? - Uh, no.
不过我倒是需要你们的意见
Actually what I could use is some advice.
又来个要听意见的
Again with the advice.
让他问吧
Oh, just embrace it.
我和金姆和好了
Kim and I are getting back together,
我今天就飞回洛杉矶了
and I'm flying back to L.A. today,
我不知道如何跟梅兰妮开口
and I don't know how to tell Melanie.
我还从没试过膝盖顶桃呢
I've never kneed a man in his manhood before.
以后要多顶顶
I could get used to it.
-听我说 -不是让你闭嘴吗
- Listen... - What did we say about talking?
我的膝盖也很尖的说
Now I have pointy knees too.
我有个主意 不过需要你协助
I've come up with a plan, but I'm gonna need your help.
我已经说过了
I have told you before,
我太容易被认出来了 没办法帮你藏尸
I am far too recognizable to help you hide a dead body.
什么
What?
我们不能让他再伤梅兰妮的心
We are not gonna let him hurt Melanie again.
因为这次 你得让她甩你
Because this time you're gonna let her break up with you.
不行 她不想和他分手
No, but she doesn't wanna break up with him.
我们耍点手段她就肯了
She will when we're done with her.
你最好表现得伤心点
And you better act sad.
识相的话 就来点眼泪
In fact, you better cry.
否则老娘就让你真的哭出声
Or I'll give you something to cry about.
不劳你了
I'm good.
等我的指示
Just wait for my signal.
我好像听到说话声了 安德斯来了吗
Oh, I thought I heard voices, is Anders here?
不 还没来
No, it wasn't him.
小孩子搞募捐 不知道哪里又出悲剧了
Child collecting money, some tragedy.
妈呀 你真把戒指戴上啦
Oh, god, you actually put on the ring?
是的 现在取不下来了
Yeah, I did, and now I can't get it off.
可能是个征兆
Maybe it's a sign.
就是的
It is.
这个征兆告诉你安德斯是恶魔 该下地狱受煎熬
A sign that Anders is the devil and should burn in hell.
你们不是说要保持中立吗
What happened to neutral girlfriends?
我们觉得不给你意见就太不仗义了
Well, we decided that we owe you better than that.
没性格的角色我可演不来
The neutral is the one color that I cannot play.
你不再需要安德斯了
You don't need Anders anymore.
过去的梅兰妮可能需要
The old Melanie may have needed him,
可新的梅兰妮无比优秀 自信独♥立♥
But the new Melanie is fabulous, confident, and independent.
-我的确是改变了 -是啊
- I have changed. - Yes.
可安德斯没有改变
What hasn't changed is Anders.
他曾经背着你偷♥情♥
He cheated on you,
现在又背着金姆和你偷♥情♥
and now he's cheating on Kim with you.
狗改不了吃屎的安德斯 完全配不上新的梅兰妮
The new Melanie deserves far better than the old Anders.
-说的真好 -谢谢
- Ooh, that's good. - Thank you.
她说得对极了
I mean she's right.
我没往那方面想
I didn't think of it that way.
他这样还是在出轨 对吧
He is still cheating, isn't he?
他完全没变 但我改变了
He hasn't changed at all, but I have changed.
-我们刚说过了 -闭嘴
- We just said that. - Shut up.
等他来了后
So whenever he gets here...
顺便说一句 让你等着可真不是个东西
By the way, what kind of a guy keeps you waiting?
你知道该怎么做了吧
You know what you have to do, right?
我想是吧
Yeah, I guess.
好马不吃回头草