燃情克利夫兰

I'm not really an author.
我就写了一本
One book, you know.
随手写了我梦想做的两百件事
Jotted down 200 things I wanted to do one day.
不过的确大卖♥♥
But it did sell like crazy.
毕竟没有在电视上辉煌27年啊
Although it wasn't on television for 27 years.
让她专宠下 否则我就告诉他你尿布的事
Let her have her moment, or I'll tell him about your diapers.
-是裤子 -尿布
- Pants. - Diapers.
搬来克利夫兰 也是你要做的两百件事之一吗
So was moving to Cleveland one of your list things?
老天 当然不是啦 我来这里之前
Oh, god, no. No, before I came here,
一直觉得
I thought, you know,
克利夫兰是离乡背井的那个穷苦老家
Cleveland was one of those places people came from
绝不是人往高处走的地方
but they never went to.
那你为什么离开洛杉矶 选择了这里
Oh. So what made you choose Cleveland over L.A.?
老天 这从何说起呢
Oh, gosh, where do I start?
在洛杉矶 人人都苗条兼无可挑剔
You know, in L.A., everyone is so thin and perfect.
我的自尊自信被打击到不行
It really starts to mess with your self-esteem.
但在这里 我感觉好极了
But here, I feel great.
-明白了 -不 等等
- I see. - No. No, wait.
我觉得我有些词不达意
I think I'm not communicating very well.
瑞克 梅兰妮可不像我那样
You know, Rick, Melanie isn't as accustomed
习惯接受采访
to being interviewed as I am.
或许你应该给她一点时间
So maybe you could just let her have a few moments
让她整理下思绪
to gather her thoughts
你过去找点东西吃吧
and go grab something to eat?
好啊 我何不去找点东西喂我这个丑胖子
Right, why don't I just go feed my fat, ugly face.
你还是个臭胖子呢
You forgot smelly.
我这是怎么了 怎么会这样的
What is wrong with me? How did that happen?
我本来想说在洛杉矶 大家是金玉其外败絮其中
I meant to say that people in L.A. are vain and superficial.
-我得想办法挽救 -别执着了
- I got to fix this. - Just let it go.
如果你想办法挽救 只会越救越糟
No, you try to fix that, you will only make it worse.
可他是我们的邻居
But he's our neighbor.
还是个专栏作家 我不希望他讨厌我
And a columnist. I don't want him not to like me.
我喜欢大家都喜欢我
I like being likeable.
不是吹牛 我可擅长这个了
Not to brag, but it's kind of my thing.
你应该接受某些人就是不喜欢你
You should be able to tolerate someone not liking you.
你说得对
You're right.
大把人不喜欢你 你不也挺好的
I mean, a ton of people don't like you, and you're fine with it.
我看我还是闭嘴好了
I'm gonna staple my mouth shut.
等我搞定这个就闭嘴
As soon as I fix this.
瑞克 你好
Rick, hi.
我想说 很抱歉
I'm just--I'm sorry.
我想解释下
I'd like to explain.
我刚才说在洛杉矶 人人都苗条兼无可挑剔
When I said that people in L.A. are perfect and thin,
我并不是说 这里的人都是又肥又丑
I did not mean to imply that everyone here is fat and ugly.
不是的
No.
我的意思是 在洛杉矶 大家都是不正常的瘦
I just mean, people in L.A., they're abnormally thin, right?
这里人人都很正常
Everyone here is normal.
很健康
They're healthy.
不知道说"健康"是否合适
Well, I don't know if I would use healthy.
因为据研究表明肥胖...
'Cause, you know, there have been studies, and it's ver--oh.
我想说的是
What I mean to say is that,
在这里 大家可以放松
here, you can relax, you know,
-放任自流 -好的 好的
- and let yourself go. - Okay. Okay.
悲剧就在眼前 我们却无能为力
You see it happening, but there's nothing you can do about it.
你认为我们是放任自流
So you think we've let ourselves go.
不 不 不是的
No. No, no, no.
我是说 在克利夫兰
I meant that, here,
生活更简单些
life is simpler.
好像回到了过去
It's like going back in time.
所以我们是落后的
So we're backward.
不是 不是
No! No!
天呐 你怎么就是不明白呢
God, why aren't you understanding this?
因为头脑简单吧
Just simple, I guess.
我错了 她挽救得多好
I was wrong. She fixed it.
大家来喝点凯霍加潘趣酒吧
Hey, how about we all have some Cuyahoga River punch?
凯霍加河失火 已经是40年前的老黄历了
That River hasn't caught fire in 40 years.
对不起 听我解释
I'm sorry. Let me explain.
不用了 没事的
Oh, no, that's all right.
我还要去写专栏
I got a column to write.
不不 我爱克利夫兰 我爱勒布朗
No, no, I love Cleveland. I love Lebron.
还是该不爱 你告诉我吧
Or I don't. You tell me!
勒布朗从克利夫兰骑士转到迈阿密热火队
引起了克利夫兰人的公愤
说实话 你们对他的又爱又恨让我无所适从啊
Frankly, you guys are a little wishy-washy on that one.
-派对太成功了 -没错
- Oh, it's a fabulous party. - Oh, really.
-我该怎么办 -别太担心了
- What am I gonna do? - Oh, stop worrying so much.
这里是摇滚老巢 很多派对都是以失火告终的
Cleveland's a rock and roll town. Lots of party end with fire.
我怎么能不担心 因为瑞克在写专栏
I can't help but worry, 'cause if Rick is writing the article
而我知道他肯定在写我
I think he's writing about me,
整个克利夫兰都会恨死我的
the whole city's gonna hate me.
由他去吧 不久就云淡风清了
Oh, just leave it alone. It'll blow over.
我知道该怎么做了
I know what I have to do.
我要去对面
I have to go across the street
找他聊聊
and talk to him.
他就会知道我是个好人了
And he'll see that I'm a nice person,
反正我肯定他是个好人 对吗
because I'm sure he's a nice person, right?
是啊 迄今为止 你的计划都执行得很"成功"
Right, because your plan has worked so well up to this point.
行了 我有自知之明
Yeah, I know.
所以你要和我一起去 助我一臂之力
That's why you're gonna come over there and back me up.
为什么要把我扯进来
Well, why do I have to?
是你被嘴毒的唐·里克斯上身 毒舌乱喷
You're the one who went all Don Rickles on Cleveland.
维多利亚在哪 我也需要她帮忙
Where's Victoria? I'm gonna need her too.
楼上正试裤子呢
Upstairs, trying on her pants.
我想还是不打扰她为妙
I don't think we want to interrupt that.
你觉得他会喜欢这瓶红酒吗
Do you think he'll like the wine?
是否太做作了
Or does it seem pretentious?
应该送啤酒吗
Should I have brought beer?
感觉是嘲笑他的啤酒肚
Or is that insulting?
妈呀 这是加州产的吗
Oh, god, is this from California?
克利夫兰本地有红酒吗
Do they make Cleveland wine?
不是说了不要喋喋不休地问问题吗
What did we say about too many questions in a row?
我知道 老♥毛♥病又犯了
I know. I'm doing it again, aren't I?
我怎么回事啊 我怎么总纠结问问题呢
What's wrong with me? What is it with me and questions?
他不在家 等下再来吧
He's not home. We'll try again later.
别走 我看到他的电脑了
Wait, wait, no. I see his computer.
正写着专栏呢
It's got writing on it.
上面写着 梅兰妮·莫雷蒂是个糟糕的人
It says, "Melanie MoRetti is a horrible person."
你在这里怎么可能看得到
How can you read that from here?
我就是知道 我们得溜进去好好看看
I just know. We have to sneak in there and read it.
什么
What?
难道你还不明白吗
Don't you see?
如果没写我坏话 那么我便放心了
If it's not bad, then I'll just relax.
但是如果写得很坏
But if it's terrible,
那么关心我的某人可以帮忙删掉
someone who really cares about me could delete it.
等下 什么声音
Wait. What's that noise?
你们居然不等我就行动了
I can't believe you left without me.
你穿的是尿布裤吗
Are you wearing your diaper pants?
不准这样说
Stop saying that.
这是"淑女裤" 有效干爽新♥势♥力♥
It is the Mrs. Ladypant beneficial dryness force.
我必须至少穿一次 才能合法说出
I have to wear it at least once before I can legally say,
"我犹如富士山般清新"
"I feel as fresh as mt. Fuji."
我们到底要不要闯空门了
So are we breaking into this place or what?
你根本不知道我们要溜进去的原因
You don't even know why we're breaking in.
要么是看他写的专栏 要么是删掉
Well, I'm assuming it's either to read his column or delete it.
-她多明白 -来吧
- See? - All right.
你先来 你的裤子有内衬
Wait, you go first. You have padding.
老天 我不敢看 写了些什么
Oh, god, I can't look. What's it say?
-我的天 -怎么了 写得很坏吗
- Oh, my god. - What? What? Is it bad?
太可怕了
Oh, it's terrible.
他根本没提到我
I mean, he doesn't even mention me.
根本没说我坏话
It's not bad at all.
他说我心怀善意却不善交际