燃情克利夫兰

You know, everywhere you turn,
就有花点小钱得到"终身免费供应"的好事
they're offering a lifetime supply of something for a pittance.
-就为了这个买♥♥这么多 -可不是嘛
- So you got all this for that? - I know.
我上月买♥♥苦艾酒的钱
I could have bought out the entire store
都够买♥♥下整家店了
for what I spent last month on vermouth.
天呐 苦艾酒 我忘了买♥♥苦艾酒 我得再去
Oh, my god, vermouth. I forgot the vermouth. I got to go.
等下 还在营业吗
Wait, wait, it's still open?
当然 「大又妙」永不打烊
Oh, yeah, they never close.
无论白天黑夜 任何时候都任君光临
Oh, no, they welcome in all people anytime, day or night.
就像地狱一样
It's like hell.
话说 我最喜欢的
You know, my favorite is the one
就是简戴假发那集
where Jan got the wig.
明智的选择
An excellent choice.
我最喜欢的是马莎跟踪戴维·琼斯那集
But for me, it has to be where Marsha stalked Davy Jones.
经典影视作品《脱线家族》
我喜欢这些重播的老剧
I love all those old reruns.
是啊
Yeah...
重播"老"剧
Reruns.
我知道我刚刚才说过
And I know I said it two minutes ago,
可你真的好美
but you are incredibly pretty.
快打住吧
Stop.
别打住
But don't stop.
你风趣聪明 你的口音真让我疯狂
And funny and smart, and your accent drives me crazy...
疯狂倾心
In a good way.
其实我是在英国出生的
You know, I was actually born in Britain.
-是嘛 -是的
- Really? - Yeah.
我的生母将我送去领养
My birth mom gave me up for adoption
一对美国夫妇领养了我
to this American couple.
是嘛
Really?
我的天呐
Oh, my god!
我觉得我在跟我儿子约会
I think I'm dating my son.
-他出生在伦敦 -同一天生日
- So he was born in London? - On the exact same day.
同年 我哄着他说了大概有三遍
And year. I made him say it, like, three times.
-这也太巧了 -就是啊
- Wow, that is a huge coincidence. - No kidding.
那你怎么跟他说的
So what did you say to him?
我编了些蹩脚的借口
Oh, I made up some lame excuse
基本上是狼狈而逃
and basically bolted out of there.
在我发现我可能是他母亲之前
But up until the time I found that I might be his mother
他是我多年来约过的最好的男生
he was the best date I've had in years.
我看到灯还开着 怎么了
Saw the light on. What's up?
告诉她吧
Oh, go ahead.
乔依是少女时 曾经怀孕生子
When Joy was a teenager, she got pregnant.
我一点都不意外
I'm not surprised.
现在 她觉得她可能是在跟亲生儿子约会
And now she thinks she might be dating her son.
我依然毫不意外
Still not surprised.
-你跟他上♥床♥了吗 -当然没有
- You sleeping with him? - No!
等等 可你告诉我你没有生过孩子
Wait. You told me you never had children.
我对外人都这么说
Because that's what I tell people.
我没有抚养过这孩子
I've never raised the child.
而且 那是我想要永远埋葬的一段人生
Besides, it's a time in my life I prefer to keep buried.
是他问我好不好
It's him asking if I'm okay.
真是个贴心的孩子
What a sweet boy.
也许 我应该打给他说出真♥相♥
Maybe I should just call him and tell him the truth.
你是疯子还是傻子
What, are you out of your mind?
万一他不是你儿子呢
What if he isn't your son?
我可能是你老妈 挺煞风景的说
I might be your mother? Probably romance killer.
更可怕的是 这样你就得承认
And what's even more horrific is you'd have to admit
你老得够当他妈了
that you're old enough to be his mother.
他现在以为你多少岁
Now, how old does he think you are?
他说我看起来是38
He said I look 38.
你儿子是个弱智吗
Your son is mentally challenged?
真希望我有办法找到什么证据
I just wish I had some proof one way or another.
知道吗 欧娜·圣瑞雯也曾经遇过这种事
You know, something like this once happened to Honor st. Raven.
还记得我在岛上研究猴子的情节吗
You remember when I was on that island studying monkeys?
好吧 我可能错过了那一集
Yeah, I might have missed that episode.
那个情节足足持续半年
It was a six months arc.
别瞎扯这个了 直接说剧情吧
How long are we gonna do this? Just tell us what happened.
与我共事的科学家绑♥架♥了我
The scientist I was working with kidnapped me
他的真面目居然是委内瑞拉杀手 艾尔·加托
and then revealed himself to be the Venezuelan hit man El Gato.
意思是"猫"[西班牙语]That's "The Cat".
西班牙语肥皂剧看得够多啊
Thank you, Telemundo.
这跟我的遭遇有什么关系
But what does this have to do with my situation?
他还说是我的父亲
Well, he also claimed to be my father.
这剧情也太傻了吧
Well, that's just stupid.
它被提交参选人道主义奖呢
It was submitted for a humanitas award.
谁提交的
By whom?
反正就是提交报名了
It was submitted.
总之 我必须得证明他不是我的父亲
And anyway, I had to prove that he wasn't my father,
所以我不得不收集他的DNA样本
so I had to collect a sample of his DNA.
你也该这么做
Now, that's what you should do.
没错 就像《犯罪现场调查》里演的
Oh, yeah, like on CSI.
你可以采集你指甲里他的皮肤组织
You could get his skin scrapings from under your fingernails,
或者他的血液样本
or you could get a sample of his blood,
或者 用棉签在他嘴里扫扫
or you could swab the inside of his cheek with a q-tip.
是啊 约会一般都这么干来着
All very natural dating activities.
乔依 你得弄清楚
But, Joy, you need to know.
他到底是你贴心的宝贝儿子
I mean, is he your sweet baby boy
还是你下流性感的宝贝男朋友
or your dirty, sexy, hot boyfriend?
不管是什么 你都赚到了
And either way, win-win.
真不敢相信我会说这话 但是...
I can't believe I'm actually saying this, but...
欧娜·圣瑞雯是怎么拿到艾尔·加托的DNA的
how did Honor st. Raven get El Gato's DNA?
我拔了他的一根头发
I plucked a hair from his head
下面还带着毛囊
with the follicle still attached.
只要你能弄到手
You get that...
我们就能做DNA测试
and we can test his DNA.
在自家DNA实验室测吗
From our home DNA lab?
别担心
No worries.
我和实验室打过交道 我有门路
I've got a lab I've done some business with.
小姑娘 准备好打电♥话♥了吗
So, young lady, you ready to make that phone call again?
我已经打了
Uh, I already did.
结果发现他对我不感兴趣
Turns out he's not interested.
你在撒谎
You're lying.
好吧 我做不到 我好怕
Okay, fine. I just can't do it. I'm scared.
拜托 谁会拒绝你这种美女啊
Oh, come on. Who would say no to this?
这你倒是没说错
Well, you got that right.
来吧 打给"地中海"莱瑞 记得号♥码吗
Come on, call Larry with the hair. Do you have his number?
我已经熟记于心
I know it by heart.
你好 我是爱尔卡·奥斯特洛夫斯基
Hello, this is Elka Ostrovsky
请找莱瑞
calling for Larry.
好的 星期六下午1点
Okay, Saturday at 1:00.
我会去的
I'll be there.
耶 你真是好样的 莱瑞真幸运
Yay, good for you. Lucky Larry.
莱瑞去世了 我要去参加他的葬礼
Larry's dead. I'm going to his funeral.
瞧吧 这是老天在告诉我一切都太迟了
See, it's fate telling me it's too late.
也许老天是在提醒你 人生苦短
Or this is fate reminding you that life is short,
你最好马上打给另一位 免得他也驾鹤西去了
so you'd better call the other one before he pops off too.
-好吧 我打给萨尔试试 -试试萨尔
- Okay, I'll try Sal's number. - Try Sal.
他立刻就接了
He answered right away.
原装的髋骨果然好使
Well, he's got the two good hips.
萨尔 我是爱尔卡
Sal, this is Elka.
我们见过的...
I met you at--
是的 是酒窝
Yes, it's dimples.
我好紧张
I'm nervous.
你表现很好 如果你需要 我会在旁边帮你的
You're doing great, and I'm right here if you need me.
我在想 要不要晚上碰个面
I was thinking we might meet later tonight
来个双对约会
for a double date.
-她叫梅兰妮 -什么
- Her name is Melanie. - What?
你也有个年轻些的朋友
You have a younger friend?
才85岁啊
Only 85.
用助步器 不过只是稍微借下力
Uses a walker, but grips it very lightly.
泰勒 你家真漂亮
Oh, Tyler, what a lovely place.
看来你是个成功人士