离婚

你怎么来了
Why are you here?
天啊 像是在抱猿猴玩具
Oh God, it's like hugging a stuffed ape!
你还有生机吗 大脚怪
Any life in there, Sasquatch?
拉里 去后座拿送给罗伯特的礼物啊
Larry, go get Robert's present from the back seat!
好小伙 快
That a boy! Let's go!
-不好意思 -先生 你能
-Oh! Excuse me. -Sir, can you...
帮忙
keep a...
绳子短一些
shorter lead, a shorter lead!
天啊
Jesus!
所以我们出发了
So off we go, okay?
从俄亥俄州到帕西波尼
Ohio to Parsippany.
连续开了十个小时
Ten hours, non-stop.
我晕车了 因为拉里踩刹车
I'm car sick, 'cause Larry here rides the brakes
就像在干蹭法国斗牛犬一样
like he's humping a French bulldog.
我们终于到了公♥司♥
So we finally make it to corp.
记住 6月的时候
Now, bear in mind, the DM all but promised me
公♥司♥承诺给我升职
this promotion back in, I think it was, June.
所以我走了进去 谁坐在那里
So, I walk in, and who's sitting there?
敲鼓 该死的斯考特·王
Drumroll... Scott fuckin' Wong.
不是吧
No!
等等 你认识斯考特·王吗
Wait. Do you know Scott Wong?
不认识 但她的故事讲得真好
No, but the way she tells a story...
继续 凯茜 告诉我接下来发生了什么
Go on, Cathy. Tell me what happened next.
你得意识到
So, you have to realize,
我在拉昆塔当接待员的时候
back when I was desk clerk at La Quinta,
斯考特·王是个同性恋
Scott Wong was a glorified pillow-biter,
马屁精 好吗
a colossal suck-up, okay?
总之 最后
So anyway, in the end, all right,
我开车了600英里 仅仅得知
I drove 600 miles to learn
斯科特·王想办法钻进了温德姆
that Scott Wong wormed his way into Wyndham,
进了公♥司♥ 毁了我的升职
blew corp, and sabotaged my promotion.
所以我们就来了 两个疲惫的旅客
So here we are. A couple of weary travelers
顺道来问候
dropping by to say howdy.
-难以置信 -这个故事真是有梦一般的轨迹
- Unbelievable. - Yeah, that story tracks like a dream.
你们这里的人什么时候吃午饭
When do you guys eat lunch around here?
我的血糖很低了
You know, my blood sugar is in the toilet.
别担心 罗比可以去给你们拿点吃的
Oh, don't worry, Robby can go get you something.
告诉他你们想吃什么
Just tell him what you want.
我真的很喜欢这一任
You know what? I really like this one.
我觉得你终于找到了一个赢家
I think you finally picked a winner!
真不错 冠军
Good for you, champ!
拉里
Hey, Larry!
取掉耳机
Lose the muffs, okay?
加入人类
Join the human race.
我们要去野餐了
We're gonna have a picnic!
再也没有这么宽敞的停车位了
Never gonna get a space like this again!
哈哈哈
Ha-ha-ha!
他找到你的撬棍了 亲爱的
He found your crowbar, honey!
-证据 -是啊
- Evidence. - Mm-hmm.
德尔罗伊 我们要再看一遍当时的情况吗
Delroy, shall we watch it again for shits and giggles?
为什么不呢
Why not?
这副情景有什么问题 有谁知道吗
Hmmm, what's wrong with this picture? Anyone?
首先 圆形货架上
Well, for one thing, those circle racks have
衣服空得太开 靠得太紧
a lot of gaps and bunches.
-真奇怪 -饶了我吧
- Weird. - Give me a break.
当你把我摔到地板上的时候
You know, you really messed up my ankle
真的弄伤了我的脚踝
when you slammed me into that floor.
我很痛
I'm in a lot of pain.
拜托
Oh, please.
吃一粒布洛芬 回家找你的猫吧
Pop a Motrin and go home to your cats.
好了 我受够了 小姐
All right, I've had it with you, Missy.
我按一个按钮 你就会被关起来
I press one button, and your ass will be on a chain gang.
-呵欠 -够了
- Yawn. - That's it!
够了 该长大了 泰勒
That is it! It's time to grow up... Taylor.
我碰巧认识一个因为偷窃进监狱的人
I happen to know someone who's in jail for stealing.
相信我 那可不是方块舞
And believe me, it's no square dance.
你得聪明点 找份工作 负起责任
You need to wise up, get a job, be responsible.
我有过工作
I had a job.
在迪士尼商店
At the Disney Store.
我讨厌那份工作
I hated it.
真有趣 为什么
Interesting. Why?
工资不高吗
It didn't pay well?
每天都得买♥♥玩偶吗
Having to sell puppets all day?
那个戴着一顶高帽子 手里拿着一根小手杖
That stupid grasshopper in a top hat with a little cane,
还带着傻笑的愚蠢蚱蜢吗
and he's got that silly smirk?
那是蟋蟀 杰明尼
It's a cricket. Jiminy.
抱歉我不是昆虫学者 德尔罗伊
Well, excuse me for not being an entomologist, Delroy.
不 我只是
No, I just...
没法
couldn't act all...
假装开开心心的 对人们友好
fake and happy and be nice to people.
所以他们炒了我
So they fired me.
好吧
Yeah.
这很难 对吧
It's hard, huh?
在你难过的时候假装快乐
Pretending to be cheery when you're miserable?
是啊
Yeah.
我理解
I understand.
这很好玩吧 在户外的新鲜空气里吃饭
Wasn't this a fun idea? Eating outside in the fresh air?
大冬天的
In the dead of winter.
一个老古董可能会认为这是疯了
A close-minded person might've thought it was fuckin' insane.
很高兴我离开了那辆车
I'm so happy to be out of that car.
它真的开始发臭了
It really started to smell bad.
原来发动机里有只老鼠
Turns out there was a mouse in the heat core!
-像肉丸一样熟了 -真恶心
- Cooked like a meatball! Yeah! - Gross!
我很高兴能出来
Well, I'm glad to get outside.
我终于可以多活动活动了
I'm finally allowed to move around a little more.
我一直都想要孩子
Mmm, yeah, I always wanted kids.
我被诊断出有腐蚀性子♥宫♥
I was diagnosed with a caustic uterus.
做完检查后 他们发现我体内的酸性物质
Labs came back and turned out I had
比卡车电池还多
more acid than a truck battery.
这就是大自然的无限智慧
Nature in its infinite wisdom.
拉里的精♥液♥ 不管有多稀少
And Larry's sperm, what little there was of it,
压根没有机会 就像是游进了篝火
didn't have a chance. It was like swimming into a bonfire.
但是 这就是生活
But, you know, that's life.
要么你被王害得没法升职
You either get Wonged out of a promotion,
或者花掉你工资的一半
or end up spending half your paycheck
照顾在养老院的爸爸
taking care of Dad at the nursing home.
来了
There it is.
终于
Finally.
乏味的惹人气恼的话结束了
The tedious wind-up has ended.
-干嘛 -你很清楚
- What? - You damn well know
我付了有关爸爸的一切费用
I pay for everything when it comes to Dad.
-是吗 -私人病房♥
- Oh? - The private room,
食物升级 电动轮椅
the food upgrade, the electric wheelchair,
赌场之夜那个扭气球的白♥痴♥
that fucking balloon-twisting idiot at casino night.
人力资产 罗伯特 你可以去查
Sweat equity, Robert. You can look it up.
需要人力资产
The sweat equity that it takes
把他推到阳光房♥
to wheel him into the Sunshine Room,
这样他就能看那该死的金鱼了
so he can see the fucking goldfish!
或者推他出去 这样他就能看到卡车经过了
Or push him outside, so he can watch the trucks go by!
或者需要人力资产扶着他的老二
Or the sweat equity it takes to hold his penis,
这样他就能尿在杯子里 不用给墙壁施洗礼了
so he can piss in a cup without baptizing the walls!
你有什么毛病啊 你这疯子
What the fuck is wrong with you, you psycho?
那是男护士的工作 凯茜
That is a job for a male nurse, Cathy!
别碰爸爸的老二
Keep your hands off Dad's penis!
你得多给钱了 守财奴
You need to crack your wallet, Shylock.
好吗 如果我想被抢 我会去提华纳
All right? If I wanna get robbed, I'll go to Tijuana.
关于投入时间
Look, okay, there's something to be said
我有话要说 罗比
for putting real time in, Robby.
别管 杰姬 你不知道
Just stay out of it, Jackie. You don't understand
发生了什么 这件事在你之前就发生了
what's happening here. This shit pre-dates you.