离婚

你让你身边所有人都要发疯
You drive everybody around you batshit.
如果我听说你让他不高兴
If I ever hear that you have upset him,
我绝对饶不了你
I will hunt you down.
《离婚》前情提要
孩子们 家庭会议
Well, kids, family meeting.
杰姬和我要有孩子了
Jackie and I are having a baby.
-妈妈 你没意见吗 -当然了
- And, Mom, you're okay with that? - Of course, yeah.
这是幸运的意外
It's a-- it's a blessed surprise.
这个星期六 罗伯特就要娶别人了
This Saturday, Robert is marrying someone else.
我要结婚生子了
I'm getting married and having a baby
而我认识女方不超过一年
with somebody that I haven't even known for a year.
你似乎沉浸爱河
You seem so happy, in love.
是啊 也许是婚礼前的神经过敏
Yeah, maybe it's just pre-wedding jitters.
你为什么不想结婚
Why don't you want to get married again?
不成功 我不想再结婚了
It didn't work out. I don't have to do it again.
而且 我们到了这个年龄的最棒之处是
Besides, the best part of being our age
现在我们可以为所欲为
is now we get to do whatever the hell we want.
这是我对你的另一点了解
Another thing I get to learn about you.
我认为 基本上 我们就是在绕来绕去
I think, basically, we're just circling back,
来确保我们已经确定了最佳的
so we can make sure that we've nailed down our best
范围 目标学校和保底学校
reach, targets, and safeties.
好啊
Cool beans.
我们为什么不搁置学校 稍微改变一下注意力呢
That said, why don't we table schools and change focus a bit?
他的微积分成绩吗 我知道他退步了
Oh, his-his calc grades? I know that they'd slipped,
但我最近一直在帮他学习
but I've been working with him a bunch.
我记得他最近两次成绩
And I think his last two scores,
提高了
they were-- they were up.
我最近经常在吼他
And I've been yelling at him a lot.
不 他的成绩不错
No, no, no. His grades are solid.
他的大学论文可能有点问题
It's his college essay that may be a tad problematic.
《高等教育:21世纪的丑闻》
"Higher Education: Scandal of the 21st Century."
他实际上提出了一些令人信服的观点
He actually makes some cogent points.
这篇文章把兼♥职♥教授比作
The passage likening adjunct professors to
让在手术室拖地的家伙给你做手术
"Getting surgery from the guy who mops up the O.R."
这很绝妙 但这是普遍的敌意
was sublime, but it's really the general hostility
和反复出现的脏话也许会吓跑
and recurrent f-bombs that may scare off
你们的目标学校和保底学校
your targets and safeties.
不是说他上不了大学
Not that he won't get in somewhere.
我在我的母校西盆斯贝格大学还有些关系
I may have some pull at my old alma mater, Shippensburg.
不错的小镇 你喜欢奶牛吗 汤姆
Nice little town. You like cows, Tom?
离婚 第三季第三集
你疯了吗
Are you out of your frickin' mind?
我只是说实话
I'm just being honest.
我现在不想上大学
I'm really not into the idea of college right now.
你没必要现在就喜欢大学 天才
You don't have to be into the idea of college now, genius.
在九月前点燃这火焰就行
You have till September to kindle that flame.
你立刻写另一篇论文 听见了吗
You're gonna write another essay immediately, do you hear me?
非常严重
Totally dead serious.
《21世纪的丑闻》
What, "Scandal of the 21st--"
你什么时候突然成了愤世嫉俗的人
When did you suddenly become such a cynic?
我可以拥有自♥由♥的思想
I'm allowed to have a free mind!
那就用你的思想把你的头从屁♥股♥里扯出来
Then use it to pull your head out of your ass!
好吧 我还有课
Okay, I have class.
-当然了 -不上大学就不给你买♥♥车
- Of course. - No college, no car.
我不知道这是从何而来
I don't understand where this is coming from.
-我错过了什么吗 -不 这是崭新的情况
- Did I miss something? - No. This is shiny and brand new.
他是否误以为大学是可选的
I mean, is he under the delusion that college is optional?
我觉得不是
I don't think so.
但我觉得我们该给他一些空间
But I think we should give him some space.
因为如果我们控制他 他就会更加反抗
Because if we ride him now, he's just gonna dig in more.
不 我完全不同意
Oh, no, I disagree completely.
我觉得我们立刻就该控制他
I think we need to ride him now immediately.
截止日期就要到了
Those deadlines are coming up.
作为父母 我们的工作
It's our job as parents
就是把门踢开 扔进催泪瓦斯
to kick the door down and lob in tear gas.
可能是真的 但我们还是现实点吧
Possibly true, but let's be realistic.
我刚才看着他的表情
I looked into his face back there,
他的眼神像是标本骡子
and I saw the eyes of a taxidermied mule.
我觉得我们该缓和几天
I think we should just back off for a few days.
我不知道 罗伯特 我不知道
I really-- I don't know, Robert, I don't know.
如果我们酷一点 就能赢得一点信誉
If we play it cool, we buy some street cred.
这是我的观点
That's my opinion.
好吧 我们可以推迟
Okay, we can hold off.
但就一段短暂的时间 就这样
But, you know, briefly. That's all.
然后我们冷静地让他坐下
Then we calmly sit him down,
用铅管给他计时
and we clock him with a lead pipe.
他去上大学 我们赢了
He goes to college. We win.
好 天啊 抱歉 我得走了
Okay. God, sorry. I gotta go.
-为共同养育击掌吧 -好吧
- High-five on co-parenting. - All right.
击掌 这里
High-- right here.
一个月前 他还在说锡拉库扎
A month ago, he was talking about Syracuse
也许还有科尔比
or maybe even Colby.
一个烤华夫饼都不会做的孩子
The kid who can barely make his own toaster waffles,
突然成了反大学激进分子
suddenly he's an anti-college radical?
我记得我六年级时暗恋
I remember having a crush on Abbie Hoffman
艾比·霍夫曼
when I was in the sixth grade.
我绝对不该同意罗伯特说的撒手不管
You know what? I should never, ever have agreed with Robert to back off.
我们现在就得催他
We gotta get on his ass now.
离婚后的共同养育太空洞了
Co-parenting after a divorce is a sham.
这是夸大其词的"统一战线"胡扯
It's overhyped, "United front" Bullshit.
是啊 特别是当一个父母 这次是我
Yeah, especially when one parent, in this case me,
完全正确时
is 100% right.
你还好吗 科尔还是老样子吗
How are you? Everything the same with Cole?
是啊 还是恨死我了
Yep. Still hates my guts.
你养大了儿子 以为自己是个好妈妈
You raise a son, you think you've been a good mother,
现在他表现得像是逃脱了邪教一样
and now he acts like he escaped from a cult.
还有 工作也很糟糕
Plus, work sucks.
我觉得也许我不再在乎
I think maybe I don't give a shit
人们的问题了
about people's problems anymore.
还有
With a...
一点蔑视的感觉
dollop of contempt on the side.
这
It's, uh...
我完蛋了
I'm fucked up.
你这小可怜 你在等我说
Oh, you poor thing. You're waiting for me to say
-一些金玉良言 对吗 -嗯
- something wise, aren't you? - Mm-hmm.
-有吗 -真... 没有
- Anything? - I'm so... Nope.
第二任迪弗雷纳太太情况如何
So, how are things going with Mrs. Dufresne Number 2?
她还在卧床休息
Oh, she's still on bed rest.
她会没事的
She'll be fine.
我很喜欢怀孕
I loved being pregnant.
我也是
I did, too.
我还记得在第三大街上
I still have fond memories of throwing up
吐进垃圾桶的美好回忆
in a trashcan on Third Avenue.
我觉得当时的一切
Everything just felt...
都井然有序
Yeah, just in alignment.
你有点嫉妒 很正常
You're a little jealous. That's normal.
错了 错了
Oh-ho, wrong, wrong!
不 我不是说我会想再经历一次
No, no, no. I'm not saying I'd want to go through it again.
你想吗
Would you?
现在我们也没资格了
I'm, um, not sure we have a vote at this point.
相信我 我完全不嫉妒她怀孕
Trust me, I have zero baby envy.
我唯一嫉妒的就是
The only envy I have is for the parent
能找到女儿坐垫的父母
who can find their daughter's Sit-Upon.
莱拉要把我逼疯了
Lila is driving me nuts.
坐垫 什么情况
A Sit-Upon? What the fuck?
她很久以前在参加小女童军时做的
She made it in Brownies like a hundred years ago.
那基本上就是个有装饰绒球
It's basically like this cushion that they decorate
和荷叶边的垫子
with like pom-poms and rickrack.
在会议上 他们可以
And so at meetings they can, you know,
-坐上去 对 -上去
- sit... upon. That's correct. - Upon.
我们给它取了昵称 培养皿枕头
And we nicknamed it the "Petri dish pillow,"