离婚

因为这么多年来 它变得
because it just got so freaking disgusting
恶心和肮脏
and filthy over the years.
总之 她们要搞聚会了
So, anywho, the big reunion's coming up.
十个小女孩在我寒酸的家里 猜猜什么是强制性的
Ten little girls in my modest home. Guess what's mandatory.
我需要叫直升机和氧气罐吗
Should I call for a chopper and some oxygen tanks?
什么
What?
我懂了 真好笑
Oh, I just got it! That was a good one!
混♥蛋♥
Douchebag.
好 我有个问题
Okay, I have a question.
你买♥♥这玩意儿有没有可能是出于无聊
Any chance you're ordering all this shit out of boredom?
-或者只是为了折磨我 -别说傻话了
- Or just to torture me? - Stop being nuts.
-你快装好了吗 -没有
- You almost done? - No, I'm not almost done.
瞧瞧这些木材
Look at all this lumber!
这是床上托盘还是牛栏
Is this a bed tray or a cattle fence?
我好激动
I am so excited!
这个玩意儿有五个可调角度
This thing has five adjustable angles,
内置USB供电的风扇
built-in USB-powered fan,
无需担心的杯槽
worry-free cup groove,
还有指南
and... A welcome guide.
听起来像是上帝的恩赐
Sounds like God's gift.
要是上帝有足够的螺丝就好了
If only God had included enough screws.
-给你 -谢谢
- Here you go. - Oh, thank you.
明天见
See you tomorrow.
亲爱的 你永远也猜不到
Look, Hon. You'll never guess.
亚马逊金牌会员
Amazon Prime.
我的磁性索引卡
My magnetic index cards!
这副情景有什么问题 黛安
What's wrong with this picture, Diane?
算了 我告诉你
Never mind. I'll tell you.
我们的圆形货架是不平衡的
We have an imbalanced circle rack.
不是吧
Oh, no!
任何孩子都能看出
As any child can see,
上面的衣服要么空得太开 要么靠得太紧
there's an inordinate amount of gaps and bunches.
每一件衣服应按比例挂上
Each item should be spaced out proportionately.
否则我们就有了什么
Otherwise, what do we have?
天啊 咪♥咪♥ 我被难住了
Oh gee, Mimi, I'm stumped.
你能教我吗
Can you teach me?
非对称的无序状态
Non-symmetrical anarchy.
做你的工作吧
Now do your job.
这里可不是马歇尔百货
This isn't Marshalls.
空得太开 靠得太紧
"Gaps and bunches."
饶了我吧
Give me a break.
我没看见哪里空得太开 靠得太紧
I don't see one fucking gap or bunch.
太棒了
Oh, terrific.
好像我要忙的还不够多
Like I don't have enough to deal with.
亲爱的 我今天过得很糟糕
Sweetie, I'm having a shitty day.
这真的有必要吗
Is this really necessary?
滚你的 桃金娘
Fuck off, Myrtle.
该死
Goddamn you!
你这个聪明蛋 快回来
Get back here you little wise ass!
- 你敢 德尔罗伊 -放手
-Don't you dare! Delroy! - Stop!
冷静 冷静
Settle down, settle down.
起来吧 黛安
Come on, Diane.
把她扔进洞里
Dump her in the hole.
真是浪费我的时间
Just wasting my time.
打赌就是打赌 你欠我十块
A bet's a bet. You owe me ten bucks.
不公平 你设计了我
No fair, no fair. You set me up.
你知道我不会知道
You knew I wouldn't know it was suspended
这在万圣节是暂停的
for All Saints' Day.
奥利维亚 亲爱的
Olivia, dear,
今天能在街道另一侧停车吗
is there alternate side of the street parking today?
不能 万圣节
No. All Saints' Day.
谢谢
Thank you.
你想说 啊哈
You mean, "A-ha!"
-你想说 我爱幸灾乐祸 -是啊
-You mean, "I'm a gloater." - Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
给你 我可靠的士兵
You know what? This is for you, my trusty soldier.
-你去给自己卖♥♥顶帽子吧 -土豪啊
- Why don't you go buy yourself a hat? - Gee, big spender!
给 弗朗西丝 我不想要他的脏钱
Here, Frances. I don't want his dirty money.
不 归你了
No, no, no. It's yours.
光明磊落 你花吧
It's yours, fair and square. You enjoy it.
我就想快速问一句奥利维亚
Okay, I just wanna quickly ask Olivia.
很明显 妮雅离上大学还有很久
Obviously, Nia has a way to go before college.
-她才四个月 -又来了 另一个受害者
- She's only four months old. - Here we go again. Another victim.
我知道你对你深爱的密歇根的感觉
And I know, I know how you feel about your beloved Michigan.
悠着点 引导证人
Easy. Leading the witness.
假设来说
Hypothetically speaking,
到了未来 高三了
it's the future; it's Senior year.
她对你说 妈妈 我不想上大学
And she says to you, "Mom, I don't wanna go to college."
-这是不公平的对比 -听好了
- This is an unfair comparison. - Listen.
你会不管吗
Do you-- do you back off?
还是
Or... or...
还是说服她别这样做
do you try to persuade her otherwise?
你开玩笑吗 她没有发言权
Are you kidding me? She has no say in it.
我们说话这会儿 她穿着金刚狼的连体衣呢
She's wearing a Wolverines onesie as we speak.
怎么样
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
交钱
Slide it on over.
十块
Ten clams.
给我
Give 'em to me.
你刚炸掉了什么
Oh, say, what'd you just blow up there?
奔驰C63 S
A Benz C63 S.
有什么特别的原因吗
Any particular reason?
他打小报告
He was a snitch.
没人喜欢打小报告的人
No one likes a snitch.
你见过莱拉的坐垫吗
Hey, have you seen Lila's Sit-Upon?
什么
Her what?
她的培养皿枕头
You know, the-- her petri dish pillow.
没有
Nope.
汤姆 你得去上大学
Tom, you have to go to college.
妈妈 瞧瞧你刚做了什么
Mom, look what you just did!
天啊 对不起 去告我吧
Oh God, I'm sorry. Jeez, sue me.
我跟你说了 我要歇一阵子
I told you. I'm taking some time off.
我有这个权利
I have that right.
歇什么啊
Well, time off for what?
有什么具体的计划或兴趣
Are there any specific plans
是你想追求的吗
or interests you wanna pursue?
我不知道 我可能会试着开一家唱片店
I don't-- I don't know. I might try and open a record store.
好吧
Okay. All right.
这是标题 伙计
Here's the headline, buddy.
你才17岁 一无所知
You're 17. You know nothing.
但是要知道这一点
But do know this.
你秋天要去上大学
You are going to college in the fall,
你立刻就要开始写论文
and you're gonna start working on the essay immediately.
-谈话结束 -我不
- End of conversation. End of conver-- - I'm not!
我不去 这是敲诈
I'm not going! It's a rip-off!
就连杰姬都说这是浪费时间
Even Jackie says it's a waste of time.
她没上过大学
She never went to college.
赚了超多钱
She makes crazy money.
而你在鸟店工作
And meanwhile, you work in a bird shop.
什么 真的吗
What? Oh really?
我在鸟店的工作给你买♥♥了
Well, that bird shop pays for your...
《侠盗猎车手:浴血屠♥杀♥》
Grand Thief Bloodbath!
不是吗
Doesn't it?
我是罗伯特 请留言
Hey, it's Robert. Leave a message.
是我 听着 我得跟你谈谈
Hey, it's me. Listen, uh, I have to talk to you.
事情很紧急 我真的不想在电♥话♥上说
It's urgent, and I really don't wanna do it over the phone,
尽快回电 好吗
so just-- just call me ASAP, okay?
弗朗西丝
两条语♥音♥信息和七个未接电♥话♥
天啊
Oh, dude...
你和杰夫·贝索斯都去死
Fuck you and Jeff Bezos.
惊喜哟
Surprise!
听力不错 海伦·凯勒
Nice ears, Helen Keller!