崩溃人生（2017）

没问题 太好了
Yeah, sure, great.
"拜拜 皮特 拜拜 牧师"
"Bye, Peter. Bye, Pastor."
-拜拜 佩妮 斯科威 -再次感谢你过来
- Bye, Penny. See ya, Skowie. - Thanks again for coming.
你最近过得怎么样
So, what's up? How are you?
-挺好的 我很好 -真的
- I'm... I'm fine. I'm... I'm good. - You sure?
是的 我很好 为什么这么问
Yeah. I'm good. Why?
你知道的 就是听到点传言
Just, you know, you hear things.
我不知道大家在传什么 但是
I don't know what people have been saying, but...
没事 我们也没必要聊那些
Hey, that's... that's fine. We don't have to talk about it.
我就是想让你过来给你提供点支持
I just wanted to bring you in and offer you some support,
我想用祷告为你打气 你不介意吧
and I'd love to lift you up in prayer, if that's okay.
当然可以 那太好了
Yeah, of course. That... that would be great.
很好 那么
Great. So...
天父在上 我们感谢你提供了这荣耀的一天
Heavenly Father, we want to thank you for this glorious day
以及这个机会来让我和我们的兄弟皮特坐下畅谈
and this opportunity to sit down with our brother Peter
并帮他度过这段艰难而又窘迫的时光
and help him through this trying and wicked, debaucherous time.
你与我们同在 尤其在我们最需要你的时候
You are with us... especially when we need you the most.
-主啊 是的 -而由于皮特屈尊
- Yes, Lord. - And as Pete has lowered himself
于曼哈顿街头行乞
to begging on the streets of Manhattan...
乞求陌生人施以钱财
pleading with strangers for money,
施以食物 主啊 我们请求你
for food, Lord, we ask...
-抱歉 -什么
- Sorry. - Yes?
我没有在街头乞讨
I... I'm not begging on the streets.
-不是那样的 -朱莉·钱尼说她看到你
- That... that's not... - Julie Chaney said she saw you
在纽约西村区举着个牌子
panhandling in the West Village.
你穿着破旧的衣服 并且
You were wearing ragged clothes, and...
-不 不 -看上去很让人悲伤
- No. No, no, no. - It was very sad.
我是在表演单口相声 我在发传♥单♥
I... I'm doing stand-up. I'm handing out flyers.
-好吧 -我并不是
- Okay. - So, I'm not...
亲爱的上帝 我们请求你宽恕皮特的罪
Dear God, we ask that you forgive Peter for sins,
宽恕他可能违反过的法律
for laws he may have broken,
尤其是那些涉及纵火的法律
especially laws involving arson,
以及那些没有涉及纵火的法律
also the laws that don't involve arson.
-好吧 别说了 我很抱歉 -以及我们
- Okay, no. I'm so sorry. - And we...
再重申一下 我没有违反任何法律
Again, I haven't broken any laws.
好吧 亚当·约翰逊 他看过警方的笔录
Okay, Adam Johnson, he reads the police blotter,
他跟我说上面写着你的房♥子失火了
and he told me that there was a fire at your house,
然后你逃离了现场 你烧了一间车♥库♥
and you fled the scene. You burnt down a garage.
我没有 不是这样 那又是另外一个误会
I didn't... Okay, no. That's... That's another misunderstanding.
我当时在车♥库♥甩卖♥♥旧货
There... there wa-- I had a garage sale,
杰茜和我 然后着了火
Jess and I, and there was a fire,
-但我没有逃跑 我落了点东西 -好吧
- but I didn't flee the scene. I left with some things... - Okay.
那个小火后来也被扑灭了
...and the fire was extinguished.
你在吸毒吗
Are you doing drugs?
我在 不 我没有吸毒
Am I-- No, I'm not doing drugs.
好吧 史黛茜·钱斯说她看到你
Okay, Stacey Chase said she saw you tweet
发推说吃了点"零嘴" 标签是超辣奇多
about having the munchies. Hashtag-FlamingHotCheetos.
我是吸了点大♥麻♥
I smoked some pot, yeah.
我们能不能 我想回去了 所以
Can we... I wanna get back out, so...
-好了 我们来收个尾吧 好吗 -好的
- Okay, let's just finish this up then. All right? - Yeah.
主啊
Lord...
皮特的婚姻分崩离析
Pete's marriage has fallen apart.
-是的 天父 -而我们知道这是因为
- Yes, Father. - And we know it's because
杰茜出轨了
Jess had an affair.
对不起 我以为你又要打断我
Oh, sorry, I thought you were gonna stop me again.
那个说得没错
That one's correct, yes.
主啊 请原谅皮特
Lord, forgive Peter for
迫使他的妻子投入别人的怀抱
forcing his wife into the arms of another man.
你撞见她跟两个男的一起是真的吗
Is it true that you walked in on her with two men?
-没有 -凯文·斯帕克斯沉迷色情片
- No. - Kevin Sparks has a porn addiction
他说他在外遇黄♥片♥网站上
that he's dealing with, and he said he saw
看到了你俩的一段视频
a video of you two on a cuckolding website.
-那不是我们 -不是吗
- That wasn't us. - That wasn't you.
能结束了吗 阿门
Can you wrap it up? Amen.
必须由我来说 阿门
I-- I have to say it. Amen.
杰茜今天也来了
You know, Jess is here today.
-是吗 -是的 她在这
- She is? - Yeah. She's here.
你好吗
How you doing?
-还算尽兴吗 -是的 你呢
- Having a good time? - Yeah. How about you?
开什么玩笑 看看我 我可是基♥督♥徒交际花
Are you kidding? Look at me. I'm Christian mingling.
-对了 我叫阿迪 -史蒂芬妮
- I'm Artie, by the way. - Stephanie.
认识你很高兴
Nice to meet ya.
你有同伴吗 还是一个人
You with anybody or hanging out?
我就是凑个热闹
I'm just hanging out.
这是怎么回事
How does this work?
我以为只有小孩才洗礼
I thought they only baptized babies.
有些教堂会这样做
Well, I mean, some churches do. Yeah.
我们更喜欢在人们能自己做重大决定时洗礼
We prefer it when people can make their own big decisions,
-所以我们也给成年人洗礼 -这样啊
- so we do it with adults... - Uh-huh. Oh yeah.
有点像施洗约翰为耶稣洗礼
Kind of like John the Baptist with Jesus.
这样 好的
Right. Okay.
施洗约翰是个好人
Good guy, John the Baptist.
顶着施洗约翰的名字不太好找工作
Not a lot of career options with that name, John the Baptist.
就像我表弟 独脚乔
It's like my cousin, Joe the Foot.
他是只脚
He's a foot?
他只有一只脚
He's got one foot.
我过去坐了 回见
I'm gonna go sit down. See you.
我一会肯定能再见到你吧 好吧
So, I'll see you later then for sure, right? All right.
这是免费的 是吧
This is free, I hope. Right?
天啊 皮特
Oh, my God. Pete.
对不起 我没想到能见到你
Sorry, I-I wasn't expecting to see you.
我以为你都不去教堂了呢
Well, I thought you weren't going to church.
不 我是来支持艾伦的
Well, no, I'm here to support Ellen.
-艾伦 -是的
- Ellen? - Yeah.
我以为你讨厌艾伦
I thought you hated Ellen.
我是讨厌她 但她邀请我了 所以...
I mean, I kinda do, but she invited me, so--
我是来支持史蒂夫的
I'm here for Steve.
-利夫呢 -他没来 他...
- Where's Leif? - Oh, he's not here. He's...
-他... -怎么了
- It's... - What?
结束了
It's over.
-天啊 -是的
- Oh, my God. - Yeah.
跟我设想的完全不一样
I thought it was this whole other thing,
他说他会离开他老婆
and then he said he was leaving his wife,
但是他还跟她在一起 所以...
but he was still with her, so--
他们 他们还在一起吗
Are they... are they still together?
应该是的
One assumes.
对不起
I'm so sorry.
她打电♥话♥威胁我 她居然有我号♥码
Then she called and threatened me, so she has my number,
这事真有意思
which has been really fun.
上个礼拜我大部分时间都在
I've spent a lot of the past week...
幻想着你们两个分手
fantasizing about you guys breaking up,
但是现在我真为你难过
but now I just feel terrible for you.
真奇怪 我一直以来都牵挂着你
That's weird. I was so worried about you this whole time,
似乎你比大家过得都好
and it seems like you're doing better than all of us.
我不知道
I don't know.
就是
It's...
跟我想象得并不一样
not exactly what I thought out there, you know?
-真的吗 -我不
- Really? - I don't--
大家好 下午好
Hello, everyone! Good afternoon.
在我们开始今天的活动之前
Before we begin today's journey,
我想邀请大家参与一个TAG游戏
I want to invite all of you to a game of TAG.
他还来这套啊
He still does this?
并不是要大家互相追逐
And no, I don't mean we're gonna run around and chase each other.
每次都有人笑
Laughs every time.
我的意思是"与上帝独处"
No, I mean some T-A-G, "Time Alone with God."
让我们充分利用这美丽的场地
Let's take advantage of these beautiful grounds.
我希望每个人都走起来
I want everyone to take a walk
放空你的思绪
and clear your minds,
对即将到来的事情敞开你的心扉
open your hearts to what's about to happen.
我们几分钟之后再见
So, I'll see you all in a few minutes.