崩溃人生（2017）

Crashing S01E02

Part 3 July 15, 2020, 11:20 a.m.

你们喜欢中餐吗奥尔巴尼的朋友们
You like Chinese food, Albany?
不过中餐有时候有点令人困惑
It can be confusing though.
-比如蟹网 -某个年轻小伙子的"精华"
- Like crab ring-- - Cream of some young guy!
说得不错吧
I killed it!
好吧那么...
Okay. Well, uh...
我们继续接下来的演出吧
What do you say we keep this going? I, uh...
现在有请下一位喜剧演员
We'll bring out your next comedian.
你们兴不兴奋
You guys excited?
下位将要登场的喜剧演员
Your next comedian coming to the stage
在各种剧目里出现过
was in, uh, all sorts of things.
比如《变形金刚4》他还参演了《瑜伽熊》
Transformers 4, uh, he was in Yogi Bear.
大家请掌声欢迎TJ·米勒
Please give it up for TJ Miller, everybody.
有请TJ·米勒
TJ Miller!
干得好
Hey, great job! Yeah!
我知道我看起来像是个
I know that I look like a maitre d'
今天早些时候刚被开除
who was fired earlier on in the day
又不得不站完最后一班岗的餐厅领班
that has to finish his shift.
我有张大♥麻♥的处方
I have a prescription for marijuana.
是治疗焦虑用的
It's for anxiety.
主要是在焦虑会因为吸大♥麻♥而被捕
Primarily, anxiety about getting arrested for marijuana.
所以这下好了
So, it's cleared that right up.
没错
That's true.
很多人用拟声词
You know, there are a lot of people that describe,
来对女人进行描述
uh, women with, uh, you know, onomatopoeia.
比如"你知道吗她的胸有梆的一声那么大"
It'll be like, "Hey, you know, she had tits like bam!"
明白吗 "屁♥股♥像砰的一声那么翘"
You know what I mean? "Ass like bow!"
但我的女友凯特身材不是很好
But my girlfriend Kate isn't very attractive,
所以我只能说
um, so I have to be like,
"她的胸大概咩的一声那么小"
"Yeah, she has breasts like meh."
你知道吗
You know?
"屁♥股♥像哇哇哇一样垮"
"Yeah, ass like wah-wah-wah.
"脚踝像嗷呜一样外突"
"Ankles like awooga!"
我刚在休息室里我...
I'm in the green room. I--
是吗不错
Yeah? Oh, good.
你觉得我刚才的表演怎么样
So what did you think?
还行吧对吗
I mean, it was all right, right?
我怎么看你用"那么"来收尾
What did I think? You ended with "Well."
天啊是阿迪·兰格老兄
Artie fucking Lange. Dude!
哥们好啊
Hey, man. How you doin'?
你一定得来一瓶
You gotta take one of these.
我必须得跟大名鼎鼎的阿迪·兰格喝一杯
I gotta take a drink with Artie fucking Lange.
抱歉他不喝酒
No, sorry, he doesn't drink, man.
-干杯[西语] -干杯巴巴·不易
- Salud, right? - Salud. Baba Booey.
霍华德·斯特恩脱口秀制片人绰号♥
-巴巴·不易 -不...
- Baba Booey. - It's not... it's not...
搞什么
What the...
你在搞什么我请他喝的
What the fuck are you doing? Hey, I bought that for him.
你是好人也是个友好的朋友
You're a good man and a friendly friend.
多谢请客他还有表演
Thanks for the drink. He's got a show to do.
抱歉
Sorry.
我们走吧
Come on, let's get out of here.
天啊我们去吃鸡爪吧
Geez Louise, let's get some chicky-fingies.
我们醉得厉害
You know when you're, like, really drunk
感觉很想吐时
and you feel like you're gonna throw up,
会想"我打赌我能撑到早午饭"
but you're like, "I bet I can make it to brunch"?
我也这么赌了然后输了
I rolled the dice on that. I lost, okay?
我开始在街上狂吐
As I begin to vomit into the street,
这时看到对面有个女人
I looked across and there was a woman
坐在室外喝星巴克
sitting outside, drinking a Starbucks,
我边吐边跟她眼神交流
and I just made eye contact with her as I was vomiting
我就那么盯着她
and I held eye contact.
这是真的
It's a real story.
我就这样...
I was just like....
她去上班会想
Did she go to work and she's like,
天啊我今天都丑得令人作呕吗
"Oh, my God, I was so ugly today, I made a man vomit"?
多谢捧场我是TJ·米勒谢谢
Thank you very much. I'm TJ Miller. Thank you.
-再见谢谢 -谢谢
- Cheers. Thank you. - Thank you.
不愧是TJ·米勒欢送TJ·米勒
TJ Miller, everybody! There goes TJ Miller!
该你了
Follow that.
操♥你♥大♥爷♥
Fuckin' motherfucker.
讲得真久
That was a long one.
你们还有精力吗
You guys, you still have some energy in ya?
很好我有幸请出
Well, that's great 'cause it's my honor to bring up
本次节目头牌
the headliner for this show.
你们准备好迎接头牌了吗
Are you guys ready for your headliner?
快掌声有请无与伦比的阿迪·兰格
Let's start clapping right now for the amazing Artie Lange!
我的纽约朋友阿迪·纽约·兰格
My friend Artie "New York" Lange!
我们今晚为奶♥子♥筹资
We're raising money for tits tonight.
为了奶♥子♥我啥都愿意做
Uh, I'll do anything for tits, right?
每个男人都如此对吗
Every guy, we'll do it, you know?
我爱死奶♥子♥了
I fuckin' love tits, man.
我爱奶♥子♥
I love tits.
我一生都想身材健美
Yeah, my whole life is trying to get in shape.
我是唯一一个嗑可♥卡♥因♥还胖的
I'm the only guy who ever got fat on cocaine.
我的身体构造真古怪
Yeah, I have a weird body makeup.
我去戒毒所戒可♥卡♥因♥
I, uh, I went to rehab for coke and, uh,
有个咨♥询♥师是黑人
one of my counselors was a black guy,
正小组治疗呢
and in the middle of group therapy,
他说"你怎么嗑药的配奶酪汉堡吗"
he said, "What are you pouring that shit on, cheeseburgers?"
-我觉得你说得挺好... -谢了
- Uh, I thought you did great. I mean... - Oh, thanks, man.
我觉得你也挺好
I thought you did pretty good too.
-你看了 -是啊
- You watched? - Yeah.
我觉得好笑的是
I mean, I thought it was funny that
大家都笑不出来时
when things weren't working,
你就那么保持微笑
you would just keep smiling like, you know?
你得多做几场演出
You just need to do more sets.
每周最少得上六七场
I mean, you need to do at least six or seven sets a week minimum.
有时候就是想野营什么的嘛
Sometimes you just want to go camping or something.
我才不野营
I don't go camping unless I'm going there
除非是要专门去找野营的素材
specifically to get material about camping.
如果你努力起来
And if you start working harder,
或许我周末会带上你
maybe I'll take you out on a couple weekends,
你可以帮我开场会很好玩的
you can open for me. That'd be fun.
-真的吗 -当然
- Really? - Yeah.
我不喝了但... 干杯
I'm actually good, but I'll... Cheers.
但我不喝了我刚一口气干了瓶啤酒
But I'm not gonna drink. I just chugged a beer.
皮特想暖好场就得能喝
Pete, part of being an opener is being a good hang, okay?
就像第二职业这样才能进步
It's like your second job. That's how you get ahead.
干了
So, bottoms up.
我们每人致个辞
Here, let's each do a toast.
喜剧就俩字却有千个理由
Comedy. Six letters, but a thousand reasons
让人活得更容易
it makes the human condition easier.
干杯
Cheers.
到你了
Now you do one.
敬喜剧
Uh, to comedy.
回顾你的人生
Take a look at your life
然后写下一些想法
and then write down some thoughts,
记住它们然后把这些
memorize them, and then pass them off
当作你要说的段子
as something you're saying in the moment
说给付了钱的醉鬼听
for people who are drinking and paid a cover.
干杯你真是怪胎
Cheers. You're fuckin' weird.
奥尔巴尼有个男人被告了
A guy in Albany got indicted
因为干了四个宠物
for fucking four of his pets.
真事好吗
A true story, okay?
他告诉警♥察♥他干了三条狗
He told the cops he fucked three dogs...
我对天发誓他说他干了只鹦鹉
and my hand to God, he said he fucked a parrot.
我们来捋捋啊
Let's go through this.
我们都可能喝醉干条狗
We've all gotten drunk and fucked a dog.
但鹦鹉
But a parrot?
真要干动物
If you're gonna fuck an animal,
为什么要干能把这事说出去的动物呢