崩溃人生（2017）

You're the second person other than my wife to see me naked.
有点怪怪的
It's weird.
你要不要上点评网评论一下
You know, would you leave a Yelp review?
-你要不要成为... -我没听清
- Would you come to this establishment... - I didn't hear you.
我在说点评网的梗
I was making jokes about Yelp.
天啊
Oh God.
报纸 报纸
Get your paper right here. Get your paper.
你要吗 先生 给你
Right here, sir. How about you, big guy? There you go.
这些不是给你的 是给我妈过生日的
These aren't for you. These are for my mom for her birthday.
好高兴啊
Got so excited.
我又没站在这里说"带我走 复合吧"
I'm not standing here, "Ah! Take me! Take me back!"
我记着把戒指戴上了
I-I remembered to wear my ring.
我看你也戴了 挺好的
I saw you did too. That's good.
我还没把它摘下来
I haven't taken it off yet.
离婚的消息还没传到我手指头那里
News of the divorce hasn't reached my fingers.
告诉它们啊
Tell 'em.
等我给它们买♥♥点好东西再告诉它们
I'll tell 'em the day I buy them something nice,
新手套或者连指手套之类的
like a new glove or a mitten.
不好意思 我觉得还没到摘的时候
I'm sorry. I... I haven't felt right taking it off... yet.
我会摘的
I'll get there.
你想不想... 你想不想
Do you wanna maybe-- Do you wanna maybe
-先喝点什么 -好呀 好呀
- get a drink before we do this? - Yes. Yeah.
-是吧 -是的
- Right? - Yes.
我觉得喝点会好一些
I think that could help.
是的 我在火车上喝了一杯啤酒
Yeah, I had a beer on the train, so...
那我喝两杯 你喝一杯
Maybe I'll have two, you can have one.
-我们别太... -我再喝一杯也没问题
- We don't wanna be too... - I can have another one.
好的 你喝两杯 我喝一杯
Okay, you'll have two, I'll have one.
你还会去坦帕吗
You still, uh, going to Tampa?
计划好了
Is that the plan?
是的 我们在找搬家公♥司♥呢
Yeah, we're just figuring out logistics.
-你喜欢佛罗里达吗 -嗯 很想去看看
- Do you like Florida? - Yeah. I mean, I'm excited to see.
-你还去教堂吗 -没有
- You been going to church? - No.
其实我也没去 我周日一直睡大觉来着
Me neither, actually. I've been sleeping in on Sunday.
-我一直都上夜班 表演喜剧 -那不错
- I've been working nights. Comedy. - That's good.
我们要不要告诉我爸妈我们不去教堂了
Should we tell my parents we're not going to church?
我们要跟他俩撒多少谎啊
How many lies are we gonna tell them?
我们还是告诉他们吧
We should probably tell them.
没什么特别的 就简单的"教堂怎么样啊"
Nothing fancy, just like, "Hey, how's church?"
"挺好的 布道呢
"It's been great. Sermons?
挺好 布道辞挺好的"
They're lovely. Lovely sermons."
你得告诉他们我们要离婚了
You have to tell them we're getting divorced.
我会说的 我要用一个月的时间铺垫一下
I will. What I'll do is I'll start dropping hints in a month.
你告诉他们就行了
You just need to tell them.
-我会的 -尽快
- I will. - Soon.
-我会说的 -好
- I'm gonna. - Okay.
但是我要循序渐进 "我们之间有点矛盾"
But I'm gonna build up to it. "We're having problems."
"怎么了" "我不想说"
"What's going on?" "I don't wanna talk about it."
然后他们就该有点 那什么
Then they'll kinda... it's like...
你知道那个缓慢溶解的安必恩
You know they have that Ambien
让你维持睡眠的吗
that dissolves slowly so you stay asleep?
-知道 -我想以那种方式告诉他们
- Yeah. - That's how I wanna tell them.
杰茜 我们熬过这一晚就行了
Jess, we just gotta get through tonight.
我没想到还会再见到你妈
I didn't think I was gonna have to see your mom again,
我压力已经很大了
so this is already a lot for me.
你这是说什么呢
What are you talking about?
我们要离婚了
We're getting divorced!
我没准备再见到你的家人了
I wasn't gonna see your family anymore.
拜托 我一直准备好时不时见你♥爸♥的
Excuse me. I fully intend on seeing your dad from time to time.
你不会再怎么见到我爸了
You're not gonna see my dad from time to time.
我怎么就不能见你♥爸♥呢
Why wouldn't I see your dad?
我和他关系好是咱俩的事 与你无关
We have a separate relationship that has nothing to do with you.
好吧 别孩子气就行
Okay, just... don't regress.
你跟你♥爸♥妈在一起的时候总是特别孩子气
You always regress when you're around your parents.
特别烦人
It's so disturbing.
我不会孩子气的
I won't regress.
-你要不要再来一杯 -嗯 我想要
- Do you want another one before we... - Yeah, I would love that.
-你呢 -我也要
- You? - Yeah.
-还是不喜欢这味道 -嗯
- Still don't like the taste? - No.
-倒是能给我壮胆 -是的
- It gets me where I need to go, though. - Yeah.
皮特小猫咪
Petey Pusses!
-妈 -我的小宝贝还好吗
- Hello! - How's my favorite boy in the whole world?
-杰茜 你好吗 -挺好的 你们呢
- Jess, how are you? - Good. How are you doing?
对于一个糟老头来说还不错
Oh, not too bad for an old fella.
你好啊 老乡 你怎么样啊
Hey, paisan. How you doing?
-你好吗 -你好吗
- How you doing? - How you doing?
-妈 生日快乐 -谢谢
- Hi, Ma. Happy birthday. - Oh, thank you.
你气色真好 见到你真好
You look great. Good to see you.
我出生就是为了生了你的
You know, I was only born to give birth to you.
我的天啊
Oh my goodness.
可不是嘛
Yeah. You know.
你上次吃饭是什么时候
When's the last time you ate?
-一周前吧 -是吗
- About a week back. - Yeah?
"一周前"和"吃软饭"发音相同
你什么时候开始吃软饭的
How long you had a weak back?
一周前吧 经典段子
About a week back. It's a classic.
我什么时候能带你俩回家看看
So, when am I gonna get you home for a visit?
让我给教会的人炫耀一下
I'd love to show you off at church.
-我... 我不知道 -你们俩都去
- I... I don't know. - Both of you.
会很有趣的
It would be so fun.
我们可以绕着池塘散步
We could take our walks around the pond.
可以去芝士蛋糕工厂
We could go to Cheesecake.
这是什么地区 特里贝克吗
What neighborhood is this? Is this Tribeca?
妈 再说吧 爸 这是苏豪区
Yeah, maybe, Mom. This is SoHo, Dad.
我觉得不是
So, I... I don't think so.
不 这就是苏豪 休斯顿以南地区
No, this is SoHo. It's south of Houston. SOHo.
归零地是什么
Well, what is ground zero?
咱们花几分钟时间策划一个温馨的长周末吧
Let's take a few minutes and pick out a nice, long weekend.
你有时间吧
Well... you have some time coming up, don't ya?
也许吧 我到时候看看
Yeah, maybe, but we can see if I-if I do.
应该吧 应该没问题
Well... you know, probably. We could probably make that work.
经常有犹太假期
I mean, there's always a Jewish holiday
或者常规假日出去玩的
or a regular holiday that we could make it work.
太好了 期待出游对我来说同样有趣
Good, 'cause looking forward to it is half the fun for me.
-我知道 -太爱我的宝贝儿子了
- I know. - Oh, I love my boy!
我也爱你
I love you too.
这正是我过生日想要的
This is exactly what I wanted for my birthday.
我也是 妈妈
Oh, me too, Mama.
你是这个世界上最好的妈妈
You're the best mama in the whole world.
我太爱你了
I love you so much.
我也爱你 亲爱的
Oh, I love you too, darling.
我一直都想念着你
I think about you all the time.
我得 我得火速去趟洗手间
I'm gonna-I'm gonna run to the bathroom real quick.
别让他们把盘子收走
Please don't let them take this.
这个太好吃了
It's... it's Molto Bene, so...
-你别掉里头 -我会小心的
- Hey, don't fall in. - I'll be careful.
抖超过三下你就玩起来了
More than three shakes and you're playing with it.
爸 我不会乱搞的
I won't let my meatloaf, Dad.
-你可真漂亮 -谢谢
- You are so beautiful. - Oh, thank you.
-我送你的手镯呢 -哪个手镯
- Where's that bracelet I got you? - Oh, which bracelet?
刻着字的那个
The one with the little engraving.
"耶稣会怎么做"
Oh, "What would Jesus do?"
-那个挺漂亮的 -确实 很好看
- Yeah, it was a nice one. - Yeah, it is nice.
我今天出门比较赶时间
I just-I got dressed really fast,
匆忙之间就忘戴了
so I didn't remember to put it on.
你知道耶稣会怎么做吗
You know what Jesus would do?
-怎么做 -我觉得他会戴上手镯
- What? - I think he would wear the bracelet.
你认为耶稣会戴着刻有
You think Jesus would wear a bracelet that says,
"耶稣会怎么做"的手镯吗
"What would Jesus do?"
如果是他岳母送给他的 他就会戴着
Well, he would if his mother-in-law got it for him.
那上面不是应该刻着"我该怎么办"吗
Wouldn't it say, "What would I do?"