崩溃人生（2017）

You guys want to see Hannibal Buress?
-我的天 汉尼拔 -得了吧
- Oh, my God, Hannibal? - Yeah, right.
这些人满嘴谎话
These guys are always full of shit.
不 他真的在那
Nope. He's really there.
买♥♥♥一♥送♥一♥ 汉尼拔·巴勒斯在波士顿...
Two-for-one, Hannibal Buress at the Boston--
-玛丽娜 -没错
- Marina. - Yeah.
-最近怎么样 -相当不错
- How's it going? - Pretty good.
顺便说一句 你在柯南那真的干得很好
You were really great on Conan, by the way.
-我很感谢你这么说 -是啊
- Aw, you know what, I really appreciate that. - Yeah.
你还好吗
Are you all right? 'Cause, you know,
因为我刚刚看到杰森了
I saw Jason back there.
他没说你什么好话 他就是个混♥蛋♥
He was kind of rough on you. He was being a dick.
这... 这没事
You know, it's... It's fine.
我觉得有点堕落
I'm kind of feeling degraded
这有点践踏我的灵魂
and it's kind of crushing my soul.
我感觉自己有点像妓♥女♥
I feel a little bit like a prostitute.
挺操蛋的
Kind of sucks.
妓♥女♥是有钱拿的
Well, you know, prostitutes get paid.
你说得对 所以这还更糟
You're right. So it's worse.
我没那么想... 好吧
I didn't think-- Okay.
我就是个白嫖的妓♥女♥ 我是个...
I'm like a free prostitute. I'm just a...
我就是个员工聚会上的荡♥妇♥
I'm just a loose woman at the office party.
没事的 老兄 坚持住
It's all right, man. Hang in there,
因为我们都经历过
'cause, you know, we've all been here.
我也经历过 我也干过这个
I've been here, I used to do this.
-真的吗 -真的
- Seriously? - Seriously.
我曾经在百老汇喜剧俱乐部拉客
I used to bark at the Broadway Comedy Club.
百老汇俱乐部可比波士顿俱乐部糟多了
It there's anything worse than the Boston, it's the Broadway.
那让我感觉好多了
Well, that-- that makes me feel better.
干这行就是这样 本质如此
But, you know, this is the game. This is what it is.
如果境况不佳
Like, you know, if it sucks,
那正是你知道自己做得没错的时候
like, that's when you know you're doing it right.
五年之内 他们就会来求你的
In five years, they're gonna be begging for it.
好吗 你很棒
Okay? So you're good.
-好的 -没错
- All right. - Yeah.
-非常感谢 -没什么
- Thanks so much. - Yeah, right.
汉尼拔·巴勒斯正在台上演出
Hannibal Buress is on stage right now,
非常棒的表演
that's a great show.
买♥♥♥一♥送♥一♥ 看汉尼拔·巴勒斯表演
I got two-for-one for Hannibal Buress.
波士顿喜剧俱乐部
我够五个了吗
So, did I get my five?
勉强够了
You barely squeaked by.
汉尼拔·巴勒斯也只能让你拉来三个人吗
Couldn't get more than three people with Hannibal Buress?
这就是说谎的问题 杰森
Okay, that's the problem with lying, Jason.
我说他在这里 根本没人信
Nobody believed me when I said he was here.
就像在外面吆喝宋飞那人
It's like the boy who cried Seinfeld out there.
人都去哪儿了
Where'd everybody go?
汉尼拔走了就都走了
They left with Hannibal.
我们说谎招揽客人就是这下场
This is what happens when we run a deceitful operation.
我们在外面骗人 他们进来...
We're out there lying, they come in...
嗅到荒唐味儿
they smell the nonsense.
一旦大人物走了 他们也走
They leave once the hot stuff's gone,
现在小人物没观众了
and now there's nothing left for the little guy.
这是传♥单♥ 不是谎单 好吗
This is a flyer, not a liar, okay?
留到台上说吧 皮特
Save it for the stage, Pete.
对于演出来说还不够好
It's not good enough for the stage.
对你来说够好了 你想上台吗 皮特
It's good enough for you. Do you want to go on stage, Pete?
想 对不起
Yes. I'm sorry.
进去吧 皮特
Go inside, Pete.
你听过有人用
Hey, have you heard anybody doing premise
精♥液♥有股香草味的段子开场吗
for their cum tastes like vanilla?
-没有 -那就好
- No. - Okay. Good.
那小妞说 "我想我爱你
So the chick says, "I think I love you,
但你的精♥液♥有股香草味"
but your cum tastes like vanilla."
我去看篮球赛
I'm just watching a basketball game,
看台有一万两千人 大部分是白人
12,000 people in the stands, most of them are white,
肯定有人是种族主义者
I mean, somebody's gotta be racist.
种族主义者是篮球迷 内心肯定特煎熬
It's gotta tear you up inside being a racist basketball fan.
看着比赛想着 "我讨厌黑人
You're up there thinking, "I hate black people,
除了这五个 快防守"
except for these five guys. Go defense!"
晚安 各位
Good night, everybody.
棒 掌声响起来
Yeah! Clap it up!
各位 掌声送给杰森·韦伯
Jason Webber, everybody.
演出真棒 杰森
Nicely done, Jason.
来嘛 这就对了 大伙有谁是游客吗
Come on, there it is. Any tourists in the crowd?
我们继续看演出怎么样
All right, what do you say we keep this moving right along.
即将上台的是个很好笑的家伙
Uh, very funny dude is coming up right now.
掌声有请皮特...
Put your hands together for Pete...
福尔摩斯 皮特·福尔摩斯
Holmes, everybody, Pete Holmes!
为他鼓掌
Clap it up for him.
你们曾招呼出租车停下 只为不被它撞到吗
You ever hail a cab just to stop it from hitting you?
我真不知道该怎么给他们小费
I never know what to tip those guys.
我觉得穿短裤的警♥察♥
I feel like cops in shorts
只应有权逮捕小孩子
should only be allowed to arrest children.
想逮捕大人就得穿长裤
Put on a long pant if you want to take down a man,
这就是我的想法
is what I'm saying.
看爵士演出的朋友
My jazz friends.
好了
Hey, all right!
你们看了爵士演出 现在来看单口相声
You saw jazz, now you're seeing stand-up comedy.
这两项是美国主要出口商品
These are our two major American exports.
如果待会再看到连环杀手
Yeah. If you see a serial killer later,
那你们就三样看全了
you'll have seen all three.
我小时候打棒球
I played baseball when I was a kid, you know.
很囧 因为我就是个矮胖又囧的孩子
It's awkward because I was the pudgy, awkward kid.
或者以少棒联盟的说法 我就是接球手
Or in Little League terms, I was the catcher.
只有这个位置才能整场比赛待着休息
It's the only position where you get to sit the whole game,
我总说 "继续说"
so I was like, "Tell me more."
当接球手真的很好玩
It's really fun when you're the catcher,
但整支队只有接球手
except you're the only kid on the team
必须穿护裆
that has to wear a jockstrap.
你们懂的
So, ooh, you know!
小孩子就很尴尬
Which is awkward when you're a child
因为没有合适的尺寸
'cause they don't really come in your size.
只能买♥♥成人款最小号♥
You just have to get the smallest adult size,
真的超大
which is gigantic.
就像有个能放三台车的车♥库♥来保护幼儿三轮车
It's like getting a three-car garage to protect my tricycle,
你们懂吧
you know what I mean?
我还记得试的时候想
I remember trying it on me, like
"我估计这不行
"I don't think this is going to work.
或许我该用开心果壳顶部
Maybe I should get the top half of a pistachio shell
用橡皮筋缠上"
and a rubber band."
我这周早些时候用了贩卖♥♥机
I used a vending machine earlier this week.
它不仅给了我零食
Not only did it give me my snack,
还把我的钱都退出来了
it gave me all my money back.
真的 我就想"你现在就是我男朋友啦"
Yeah. So I was like, "I guess we're dating now."
"你刚满足了我所有需求
Yeah. It's like, "You just fulfilled all my needs.
你看上去也还不错"
And you're not too bad on the eyes, either."
大家都能得点什么
Little something for everyone.
我大学有个室友是水沟朋克
I had a roommate in college who was a gutter punk.
你们知道朋克是什么吧
You guys know what punks are?
朋克 对 头发那样的
Punks, yeah, yeah, with the hair, you know?
他们看着就像没人爱的花哨鸟
Yeah, they look like a fancy bird that no one loved.
水沟朋克就是没品没尊严的朋克
A gutter punk is a punk without any sort of class or dignity
住在大街上 却不知怎么的有九条狗
and lives in the street, but somehow has nine dogs.
一分钱没有 但是有九条狗
No money, but nine dogs.
你们工作时看色情片吗
Y'all watch porn at work?
当然 必须的
Yeah! Yeah!
这块的看 是吗
Oh, this section?
好吧 我喜欢看色情片
Okay. I like porn.
有时候我看色情片 我喜欢把音量开超大
Sometimes when I watch porn, I like to turn it up real loud
所以我的邻居会以为是我在隔壁做♥爱♥
so my neighbors think it's me fucking next door.