崩溃人生（2017）

我这一生听信的最糟糕的建议是
Worst advice I ever took in my life was,
"伙计 这可♥卡♥因♥可能纯度不高
"Hey, man, it's probably bad coke,
整包吸光吧"
just do the whole bag."
谢谢大家
Thank you very much.
掌声送给马特·马拉诺
Matt Maragno, everyone.
美国代表 好了
Representing USA. All right.
演出还会继续
We're gonna keep the comedy going.
下一位上台的演员想让我告诉大家
The next comedian coming to the stage wants me to let you know
他是帮《瑞秋·雷脱口秀》做暖场的人
that he's the warm-up comedian for the Rachael Ray Show.
没错 暖场
Yeah, warm-up.
喜剧演员的坟墓
Where comedians go to die.
掌声有请皮特·福尔摩斯
Pete Holmes, everyone. Pete Holmes.
谢谢
Uh, thanks.
我忘了我的开场白了
Forgot what I was gonna, uh, open with.
你们曾招呼出租车停下 只为不被它撞到吗
You... You ever hail a cab just to stop it from hitting you?
真是...
That's...
直接上车算了
You know... Just get in.
我真不知道该怎么给他们小费
I never know what to tip those guys.
*丹尼男孩 风笛 风笛在呼唤*
*Oh, Danny Boy, the pipes, the pipes are calling.*
快停吧 求你别唱了
Please stop. Please stop fucking singing.
这是我缓解压力的方式
That's how I relieve stress.
听得人心慌
It sounds unstable.
看到了吧 这就是为什么我们俩一直处不来
You see, this is why you and I never got it on,
因为你根本不理解我
because you don't get me.
就当我错失良机了吧
I missed my chance.
-皮特 -你们好
- Pete! - What's up?
你还好吗 伙计 来坐
How you doing, man? Sit down. Sit.
-我能跟你们坐在一起 -当然
- I can sit with you guys? - Of course.
我可不想硬缠着一群喜剧演员
Don't want to impose on the comedians' table.
伙计 我收到短♥信♥了 我得告诉他们
Dude, I got the text. I got to tell you-- Tell 'em.
表演 大新闻啊 快告诉他们
The gig! Big news. Tell 'em.
-没什么 -什么事
- It's okay. - What?
我有个小新闻 但是...我不想说
I got a little thing, but we don't-- I don't want to talk--
小新闻 来嘛 告诉他们
A little thing? Come on, tell 'em.
-说呗 不说吗 -我今晚过得很纠结
- Tell 'em, no? - It's... I'm havin' a weird night.
你今晚... 好吧
You're havin' a weird-- Obviously,
显然这件事情不应该让我来说
look, it's not for me to share, man.
但是 他会没事的 表演就在下周二
But, uh, he's gonna go through with it. The operation's Tuesday.
-太棒了 -这是你应得的
- Oh, great. - You're worth it.
-我要去做一个变性手术 -你想好了
- I'm getting... I'm getting a sex change. - You get it?
-阿迪 该你了 -好的
- Hey, Artie, dude, you're up. - Okay.
衣服不错 你是加入ISIS了吗
Nice outfit. What'd you-- What'd you, join ISIS?
你们一定会喜欢阿迪的
Yeah. You got to love Artie, man.
这家伙看起来就像刚离婚一样
The guy always looks like he just got divorced,
但是他都没结过婚 好好表现
but he never was married, so... Kill it.
我要去抽根烟
I'm gonna, uh... smoke a cigarette.
你好呀 我是皮特
What's up, man? I'm Pete.
-你好 -我觉得你特别有趣
- Oh, hey, dude. - I think you're really funny,
我很喜欢
and I love your stuff.
谢谢你 我们是在参加婚礼吗
Oh, nice. Well, hey, uh, is this a wedding?
这握手的时间也太长了
'Cause we're really shakin' a lot of hands.
抱歉抱歉
Oh, I'm sorry. Sorry.
我不知道你是搞竞选的
I didn't know you were running for office.
-那可经常需要握手 -欢迎握手嘛
- That was a lot of handshaking. - Press the flesh.
-我去抽烟 幸会 皮特 -好
- Well, I'm gonna go smoke. Nice meeting you, Pete. - Yes.
你想一起来吗
Do you want to come?
-好啊 我很愿意 -来抽烟吧
- Yeah! I would love to come. - Let's smoke.
-回头见 -再次恭喜
- Uh, see you guys. - Congrats again.
*当你归来*
*But when ye come*
*所有的花都凋落了*
*And all the flowers are dying*
真恶心
That's gross.
就是你那... 皱纹深陷的脸
Just something about your... puppet face
以及你那闪光的嘴唇和低声吟唱
and your shiny lips and your crooning.
真是令人不安
It's, uh, it's unsettling.
点着了吗
Got it?
香料国度
Flavor country.
不错吧
Good, huh?
我感觉自己像在带坏未成年一样
So, uh, I feel kind of like I'm corrupting a minor.
你不怎么抽烟吧
You're not a big smoker, huh?
不 我喝酒时偶尔抽
No, I smoke sometimes when I drink.
有时我会... 向别人蹭烟抽
Sometimes I'll... bum a smoke.
你也不怎么喝酒吧
And, uh, you don't really drink, huh?
也不能这么说 其实我一直想多喝点酒
Not really. I've been meaning to drink more.
你是阿迪的朋友
You know, um, you're a friend of Artie's.
我怎么从没见过你上台 你在哪上班
How come I've never seen you go up? Where do you work?
我在... 我本来在波士顿俱乐部
Uh, the Boston is my-- uh, was...
-我本来常在波士顿那表演 -出什么事了
- I was goin' up at the Boston a lot. - What happened?
最近我一直专心于我的工作
Lately, I-- I've been focusing a lot on my, um, job.
-你有份工作吗 -日间工作
- Oh, you got a job? - Day job.
我找到的是一份热场工作
The thing I got is a-- it's a warm-up gig.
在《瑞秋·雷脱口秀》
It's, uh... Rachael Ray.
那挺好的
Hey, that's great.
-真的吗 -对 那很棒 老兄
- Really? - Yes. That's awesome, dude.
我也觉得是 但所有人都猛怼我
I thought it was, but everybody's givin' me a lot of grief,
就好像那不是真的喜剧 那是...
you know, like it's not a real-- it's not real comedy, it's--
拜托 听着
Aw, come on. Hey, listen.
我不想和你说这个
I hate to break it to you,
但演艺圈也没比这好多少 对吧
but show business doesn't get much better than that, right?
你讲段子 中午之前到家 这就算不错了
You're tellin' jokes. You're home by noon. It's a win, all right?
-真的吗 -对
- Really? - Yeah.
谢谢你 老兄 这番话意义重大
Thanks, man. That means a lot.
如果你不想抽了可以不抽的
You know, you don't have to smoke that if you don't want to.
我其实不想抽烟
I didn't really want to smoke.
我只是想出来找你 因为我...
I just kind of wanted to hang out, 'cause I...
-我懂 -很仰慕你
- I figured, yeah. - respect you so much.
谢谢 如果这份热场的工作不顺利
Well, thanks. If this warm-up doesn't work,
你能做个专业的马屁精
you can be a professional kiss ass.
我也坐过牢
I did real time, too, man.
我因为私藏♥毒♥品在洛杉矶县监狱蹲了两个月
I did two months in LA County Jail for possession of coke.
我来告诉你怎样在监狱里生存
And I'll tell you how to survive in jail.
尤其是你 你得好好听听
You-- you particularly, you might want to go with this.
第一天 我到院子里去
First day, I go out to the yard,
找到了我能找到的最强最坏的头子
find the biggest, baddest motherfucker I could,
给他吹了箫
and I blew him.
我给了他堪称史上最烂的一次吹♥箫♥
I gave him the worst blow job in the history of a blow job.
我希望我的口♥活♥很差这事
I wanted it to get around the jail
能在监狱里传开
that I gave a bad blow job.
如果两个帮派成员在监狱里
If two gang members are talking about
谈论你的吹♥箫♥能力
your ability to give a blow job in jail,
接下来就是你想听到的对话
here's how you want that conversation to go:
"别让那个傻♥逼♥给你口"
"Do not let that motherfucker blow you."
"他烂透了"
"He sucks at it."
-去吧 -玩得很开心
- Now... There you are. - Good hangin',
-老兄 -很有趣 老兄 谢谢
- man, yeah. - That was fun, man. Thanks.
很高兴见到你 你懂的...
It's good to see ya. You seem, you know, uh...
不算好 但没那么糟了 对吧
well, not good, but, you know, less terrible, right?
-对 我感觉很好 老兄 -对
- Yeah, I'm-- It feels pretty good, man, uh... - Yeah.
随时欢迎来录制节目
Come to a taping anytime.
真的吗 什么时候
Seriously, when?
你是认... 我开玩笑的
Are you se--? I was kidding.
难以置信
You know, unbelievable.
我看着不像个会用食谱的人吗
I don't look like a guy who could use recipes?
我爱瑞秋·雷
I love Rachael Ray.
-好吧 -我也能支持你
- Yeah. - And I could support you, too.
随时恭候 好吗
Any time. Right?
晚安 阿迪
Good night, Artie.
-照顾好自己 -谢谢
- Take care of yourself. - Thank you.
瑞秋
-女士们 谢谢 -谢谢
- Hi, ladies. Thank you. - Thanks.
天天都看瑞秋·雷
Every day, with Rachael Ray.
每一天都来 休假一天来