崩溃人生（2017）

Crashing S01E01

Part 3 July 15, 2020, 11:19 a.m.

and turn ourselves in..."
她说如果我不娶她送她一枚戒指
She, uh, said she was gonna leave me
她就会离我而去
if I didn't marry her, get her a ring.
于是我去找了一位珠宝商
What I did is I went to a jeweler,
弄了一张订婚戒指的收据
and I got a receipt for an engagement ring.
然后我把收据叠好放在钱包里
And I put the receipt in my wallet perfectly
因为我了解这个女孩她有点闲不住手
'cause I know this girl, she's a little nosy,
肯定会翻我钱包的
and she's gonna look.
然后我就听到她在电♥话♥里哭着对她妈说
And I hear her crying on the phone to her mom,
-"他要向我求婚了" -天啊
- "He's gonna do it!" - Oh, my god.
怎样的女人才会见到一张收据
What kind of woman sees one receipt
就把那些你和脱衣舞娘互发的短♥信♥
and then they just forget about all your stripper texts,
以及你每晚带着一身酒臭
that you come home smelling
和妓♥女♥廉价香水味道回家的事情忘的一干二净
like whiskey and hooker every night?
典型的女性思维
You're just like a woman.
你忽略了我这个计划的绝妙之处
You're missing the genius of my plan.
典型的女性思维那再给我解释一下
Oh, an I just like a woman? Explain more to me?
你还跟她说话吗
Do you still talk to her?
什么你是认真的吗他是谁
What? Are you serious? Who the fuck is this guy?
我不知道他是谁
I don't know. Who is he?
我刚就在这里你们几个坐在我旁边
I was just here and you guys sat around me.
-所以我以为... -我们坐在你旁边
- So, I thought... - We sat around you?
不是你在我们边上乱逛
No, you're hanging around.
-你在跟踪我们 -伙计们纳特曼正在表演
- You're stalking. - Guys, Natterman's been lit.
格里尔不在我需要个人继续表演
Greer's not here. I need someone to go on.
不行我已经上过台了
No... I've been on already.
抱歉我已经上过台了
Sorry, I've been on already.
格里尔去哪了他不在这
Where's Greer? Greer's not here.
我需要个人顶上
I need someone.
对了皮特不是在这吗让他上台
Oh, yeah, Pete. Let's put Pete on.
我不认识他
I don't know him.
让他上台他很有趣的没问题
Put him on, he's funny. He can do it.
-真的吗 -没错
- Really? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
随便吧让他两分钟后上台
Whatever. Bring him up in two.
我不知道我应不应该这么做
I don't know if I should do that.
你要上台了哥们
You're getting stage time, buddy.
不我是想在这里工作
Yeah, no, I want to work here,
但我现在有件烦心事下次吧
but I'm going through a thing. Let's do it another time.
不不就现在上台
No, no. No, let's do it right now.
你可以聊聊那件事我们就是干这个的
You could about that thing, that's what we do.
不我刚分的手
No, I... it's a breakup, it's fresh.
你分手了就上台和大家说道说道
You have a breakup, you go up there and talk about it, man.
-没错 -还记得提戈当时得癌症吗
- Yeah. - Remember when Tig got cancer?
她当晚就讲的就是那件事
She talked about it that night.
你现在的情况还能比她更糟吗
Now, is your situation worse than that?
也许更糟
Probably, yes.
但这是艺术哥们你就是干这个的
But this is the art, man. This is what you do.
好了鼓起勇气上台吧
Yeah, come on. Sack up, man. Get in there.
你这么觉得吗
You think so?
我不是觉得我是知道
Yes, I'm not thinking, I know.
我会录下来的万一出名了呢
I'll record it, just in case.
-是的录下来 -把你演出录下来
- Yeah, record... - Record your set.
你不如给我们先稍微剧透点
Why didn't you say give us... Give it one for the Gipper?
从来没看过他表演一秒都没看过
Never seen his act, not one second of it.
不管怎样肯定会非常搞笑的
One way or another, this is going to be fucking hilarious.
你真是太坏了
You're so evil.
你知道我在说什么老兄
You know what I'm talking about, bro.
那是你的亚洲女友棒极了
That's your Asian girlfriend, that's awesome.
-你也有个辣妹 -当然
- And you have a hot chick too. - Absolutely.
但她不是亚洲人
She is not Asian.
这倒霉事你可就得每天受着了老兄
And that is a pain that you have to live with every day, dude.
你那个蠢货朋友现在就在跟你炫耀呢
And your dickhead friend's rubbing it right in your face.
你记住了甜心
You remember that, sweetie,
如果你某天想给这家伙点颜色看
when you want to give this guy some shit, one day.
别忘了他本可以和某个亚洲小妞在一起
He could have been with an Asian chick,
但他选择了你
but he settled for you.
好了伙计们
All right, guys,
你们准备继续欣赏下面的节目了吗
you ready to keep this show moving?
怎么样
What do you say?
下面上台的这位
this next act coming to the stage,
你们大概并不认识他
you probably don't know him,
但谁在乎呢因为他太他妈的搞笑了
but who gives a shit, because he's funny as fuck.
所以我们现在给皮特·福尔摩斯
So what do you say we make some noise right now
来点掌声和欢呼吧
for Pete Holmes, everybody.
有请皮特·福尔摩斯
Pete Holmes!
谢谢大杰的演出
Big Jay, everybody. Big Jay!
很高兴见到你们
Good to see you.
我要说件真事
So this is, uh, this is real.
非常真实的故事我想跟你们说说我老婆
This is, like, a raw thing. I want to talk about my wife.
我老婆
My wife!
没错我老婆
Yeah, my wife...
今天和别人睡了
slept with somebody else today, today.
我把她逮个正着没错
I caught her today, yeah.
这种感觉很奇怪
Which is weird, like,
通常我最喜欢裸女了
a naked woman is normally my favorite thing,
但是当你走进房♥间
but if you walk in
发现里面还有一个裸男的时候
and there's a naked man there,
突然之间你最喜欢的东西
suddenly your favorite thing
就会变成你最讨厌的东西
is like your least favorite thing.
-你们懂吧 -天啊
- You know what I mean? - Oh, god.
就好像我喜欢牛排
It's like, I love steak,
但是如果你递给我的牛排
but if you delivered a steak to me,
已经被咬了八口
and there was eight bites out of the steak,
我就会想 "我们来这干嘛呢" 懂吧
I'd be like, "Why did we come here?" You know what I mean?
太糟糕了
This isn't good.
天啊
Oh, boy.
是吧
Yeah, oh boy.
去写点段子吧
Go write some jokes.
谢了
Thanks.
你从哪来的叙利亚
Where are you from? Syria?
不是不让叙利亚人入境吗
I thought we didn't let you in.
你就这点能耐
That's the best you can do?
太悲哀了你感觉不到吗
This is painful. Can't you feel it?
-伙计你顶替了我 -什么
- Hey, man, you bumped me. - What?
你顶替了我把我的位置抢走了
Yeah, you bumped me. Took my spot.
我明晚要去参加科尔伯特脱口秀
See, I'm supposed to do Colbert tomorrow night.
如果我明天演出不顺的话
If I have a bad set on Colbert tomorrow,
你就等着被爆菊吧
you're gonna be halfway to an ass whooping.
我很抱歉他们说我必须顶上
I'm sorry, man. They said I had to go on.
因为你迟到了总要有个人顶上去
Somebody had to go on 'cause you were late.
不我没有迟到
No. I wasn't late.
我是准时到的但是演出提前开始了
I was on time. The show was running early.
-对不起 -看看你这张脸
- I'm sorry. - Yeah, look at you.
二十年前我也跟你一样眼中都是懵逼
You got that same stupid look in your eyes i had 20 years ago.
你干这行之前有什么打算
What'd you want to do before stand-up?
我读的教会学院想当名青年牧师
I went to school to be a youth pastor.
青年牧师
Youth pastor?
我看出来了很适合你非常好
I can see that. That's you. That's good.
伙计你可以帮助很多人
Hey, man, look, you could help a lot of people.
因为就凭刚才的烂表现
Because you definitely ain't helping nobody here
肯定没帮到任何人
with that horse shit you just did.
抱歉... 我今天过得不太顺
I'm s... I just really had a hard day.
我见过很多人遭遇挫折
I've seen a lot of people crash and burn,
我也不想帮你走出挫折
and I want to save you from a crash and a burn.
退出吧趁现在还来得及
Quit. While you're ahead.
格里尔让人家歇会吧
Greer, give the guy a break.
他不会上你的
He's not gonna fuck you, okay?
我觉得他是直的加油伙计
I think he likes women. Hang in there, buddy.
好吧单口相声演员
Fair. Stand-up comic.
欢迎来到战场趴好继续开枪
Welcome to the war, boy. Stay low, keep firing.
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