崩溃人生（2017）

Crashing S01E06

Part 5 July 15, 2020, 11:21 a.m.

It's her birthday!
太棒了回去坐吧
Now, that was amazing! Sit down!
所有人站起来大家都站起来
Everybody stand up! Everybody stand up!
-说"嘿" -嘿
- Say, "hey!" - Hey!
-说"哈" -哈
- Say, "ho!" - Ho!
-说"他好恐怖" -他好恐怖
- Say, "he was scary!" - He was scary!
-很高兴他走了 -很高兴他走了
- I'm glad he's gone! - Glad he's gone!
-瑞秋·雷 -瑞秋·雷
- Rachael Ray! - Rachael Ray!
-瑞秋·雷 -瑞秋·雷
- Rachael Ray! - Rachael Ray!
好了都坐下坐下
Okay, sit down. Sit down!
-来点奇巧吧 -好
- Let's get some Kit Kats! - Yeah!
奇巧在哪儿
Where are the Kit Kats?
奇巧现在归我负责了
I'm in charge of the Kit Kats now!
这画面快给我弄出晕动症了
This shot actually makes me motion sick.
怎么样
How'd it go?
太疯狂了我到了那里
It was crazy. I got there,
他们已经有热场了
they have a warm-up,
然后...他失去理智朝所有人发了脾气
and then... he loses his mind. He turned on everybody.
他失控了施密蒂把麦克给了我
He flips out. The-the--Schmitty gave me the mic
-叫我"赶紧上台" -你今天就做了热场
- and was like, "Get out there." - You did warm-up today?
我上台做了热场
I went out and did warm-up.
他们还付了我今天的工资
They paid me for today,
说我可以过去试用一个星期
they said I can come back for, like, a trial week.
-你成功了 -对我成功了
- You got it. - But like, I mean, yeah, I got it.
这是...
Is this...
你们是在看《行星地球》还是《新星》
You guys watching Planet Earth or is this Nova?
我觉得
I feel like...
你知道吗
You know what?
对你来说这种"我拿到了"的时刻很少
You only get a few times to have that, like, "I got it" moment,
我觉得这次好像搞砸了
and I feel like you kinda shit the bed with this one.
出去再来一遍
Like, go out, come back in,
装作你没拿到那个工作
act like you didn't get it,
然后...再揭露说"我成功了"
and then... the reveal, "I got it."
-声势浩大一点 -先误导我们
- Make it bigger. Really... - Misdirect.
装作你没被录取
It's a missed opportunity.
好的
Okay. Yeah.
-好好做 -让这孩子再来一次
- Sell it. - Let's give the kid another shot.
我感觉皮特今天不会很成功
I don't think Pete did well today.
他之前从没做过
I mean, he's never done it before.
真替他难过
I feel bad for him.
伙计你还好吗
Hey, buddy. You okay?
我没...
I don't...
抱歉
I... I'm sorry.
你给我这个机会我却...
You set that all up for me, and...
史蒂夫我知道你也想要这个机会...
I know, Steve, you would've liked that opportunity and...
我成功了
And I got it.
天啊天啊
Oh my God! Oh my God!
-你成功了 -给我撸给我撸
- You got it! - Jerk me off. Jerk me off.
我感觉很操蛋
I feel like fucking shit
因为我进去后成功了
because I went in there and I got it!
-我父母说得对 -什么
- My parents were right. - What?
我成功了
I got it!
我这么久一直收到坏消息
I've been getting shit a long time,
我已经快受够了
and I've pretty much had it,
今天是我的极限了
so today was the last day I was gonna take it.
所以我很开心我成功了
That's why I'm so glad I got it!
-躺这行吗 -当然行啦
- Is this okay? - Yeah. Yeah.
我太开心了
I'm just so happy.
我都不记得上次感觉
I-- I don't remember the last time
这么开心傻乐和合适是什么时候了
I felt so good and silly and fun and right.
我做了擅长的事
And I did something that I'm good at,
感觉做了自己
that, like, felt like me.
我欠你一个大人情
I really owe you big time.
-乐意效劳知道我怎么想吗 -怎么想
- Oh, my joy. You know what I think? - What's that?
我觉得某人值得滋遛滋遛
I think somebody earned a little tooty-toot-a-loot
吸一口大♥麻♥
on the weed pipe.
我从没... 我不...
I've never-- I don't--
你从没吸过大♥麻♥吗
You've never smoked pot?
没我从没吸过
No, I've never smoked-- yeah.
我不想逼你我不会...
Well, I don't want to push. I mean, I wouldn't--
那就不吸除非你想让我鼓励你吸
Don't do it then, unless you want me to encourage you to.
好劝我吸吧
Okay, yeah, talk me into it.
吸点嘛有什么大不了
Just have a little. What's the big deal?
就一口庆祝嘛
Just have a puff. Celebrate.
-毕竟今天是个大日子 -我该怎么做
- You had a great day. - What do I do?
按按钮
Press the button...
吸入然后拿出来
suck it in, and then take it out,
然后再吸一下
and suck in again, like a second time.
够了
That's enough.
天啊你刚吸了大♥麻♥
Oh my God, you just smoked pot.
你刚吸了大♥麻♥啊
You just smoked pot.
我觉得... 谢谢你
I think-- Okay, thank you.
好吧先放一下
Yes. Put it down for a second.
我觉得有点尴尬我要告诉你一件事
I feel kind of weird that I-- I have something to tell you.
我从没看过你从没看过你表演单口相声
I've never seen your-- I've never seen your stand-up.
没事的
That's okay.
我觉得尴尬我以为你会生气
I feel weird. I-- I thought maybe you'd be mad.
-我就... -我不在意
- I just... - No, I don't care.
现在我跟你说话可以用上我的笑话
Now I can use my jokes, like, in conversation with you,
你会觉得我是天才
and you'll think I'm a genius.
我爱单口相声就是...
I love stand-up. It's just--
我不知道你知不知道
I-- I don't know if you know--
要知道我有宗教背景
Remember, I'm raised religious,
我们的社区...
and our community--
你们开耶稣的玩笑
you know, you make fun of Jesus.
-谁 -拿撒勒的耶稣
- Who? - You know, Jesus of Nazareth?
-你信上帝啊 -是啊我信上帝
- So, you're a God person. - Yes, I'm a God person.
-大♥麻♥什么时候奏效 -马上
- When does it work? - In seconds.
如果吸得太多就回不了头
If you smoke too much, you can't go back,
-就享受一下小吸一口 -好
- so just make it a treat, just have a little puff. - Okay.
我感觉像浮在蜜中
I feel like I'm floating in honey.
这就是陶陶然的感觉吗
Is that-- is that what the buzz is about?
-就是这样 -所以你们才会说
- That's the buzz. - That's what all you guys are like,
"放下沙包
"Hey, put down the hacky sack.
我有事要告诉你们"
I have something to tell you guys."
吸一阵后就不会对兴奋感大谈特谈了
After a while, you stop needing to talk about the high.
就置身其中
Just, like, exist.
这是怪笑吗
Is that a weird laugh?
这感觉棒极了我不该...
These are nice, man. I shouldn't--
我不该睡沙发上我该睡这里
I shouldn't be sleeping on your couch. I should sleep out here.
等等你今晚不能睡这里
Wait a minute. You can't sleep here tonight.
-什么 -你找到工作了
- What? - You've got a job,
你一天赚几百美元
you're making hundreds of dollars a day,
你一直睡沙发
you've been sleeping on couches.
你今晚真的想
You really want to sleep tonight
枕着满是史蒂夫臭屁的枕头睡吗
with your head on a pillow filled with Steve's farts?
-不想 -好好享受一番
- No. - Treat yourself.
你会感谢我的
You're gonna thank me for this.