崩溃人生（2017）

Who's that?
就一个想跟我上♥床♥的女人
Just this woman, wants to have sex with me.
这女人想上你吗
That woman wants to fuck you?
这是仙妮亚·唐恩 不是发短♥信♥那女人
This is Shania Twain. This is not the woman sending--
老天 我的天啊
Oh, God. Oh, my God.
那是什么
What is that?
女性私处
That's a clam.
你得回一张照片
You got to send a picture back.
-什么 -如果你收到一张私处照
- What? - If you get a picture of a clam,
你必须回一张你的 不然很不礼貌
you have to send back a picture of your man clam or it's rude.
我不会给这个女人
Look, I'm not gonna send
发张老二照 我跟她不熟
this woman a-- a dick pic. I barely know her.
你不一定要发自己的老二
You don't have to use your own dick for dick pics.
直接搜索老二图片
You just Google... picture of dick.
不过得保证图片跟你自己的够像
Got to make sure it looks enough like your dick,
你总不想你发一个老二照
because you don't want your dick pick
最后你自己的对不上吧
to write a check that your real dick can't cash.
我了解了
I got it.
-你想看看我选的老二吗 -不想
- You want to see the dick I use? - No.
或者我们两个都适用呢
It might be able to work for both of us.
我有一个印度朋友用的就是我真正老二的照片
I have an Indian friend who uses a picture of my actual dick.
我不想用你的老二
I don't want to use your dick.
她可能现在正坐在家
She's probably sitting at home,
思考她的私处有什么问题呢 真无礼
wondering what's wrong with her clam. Rude.
我不会发真老二或者假老二照
I'm not sending a real or a fake dick.
我根本不想再看到她
I don't even want to see this person again.
你这样的男人 穿着这样的衬衫
A guy like you, in a shirt like that,
不该拒绝妹子 我要说的就这些
you shouldn't be turning down pussy, is what I'm saying.
-皮特 -天啊 搞什么
- Hey, Pete. - Geez! What the fuck, man!
皮特 是我 利夫
Hey, Leif, Pete. It's Leif, man.
-天 你快把我吓屎了 -我道歉
- God! You scared the shit out of me. - Okay, I'm sorry.
你怎么知道我会在哪里
How did you even know where I was gonna be?
你发了四次推吧
You tweeted about it like four times.
演出怎么样 还好吗
How was the show? Was it okay?
干什么 你想怎么样
What? What do you want?
我知道你今天和朱莉见面了
I know that Julie and you met today, and--
我不想和你谈这些
I don't-- I am not talking about that with you, okay?
问题是 我知道她...
Well, look, uh, it's just that, I know she--
我知道她来跟你谈了
I know she came, and-- and got-- got to you,
她就是想离间我们
and she's just trying to get between us, man,
这样她就能抢走本该属于我的东西
so that she can take what's rightfully mine.
你在说什么呢 是你背叛了她
What are you talking about? You cheated on her.
没错 不过是她先在感情上抛弃我的
Yes! But she emotionally abandoned me first, man,
婚姻协议在那时就终止了
that's when the marital contract ended.
她说这生意这么成功
She claims that she started
都是靠她自己
this really successful business all by herself,
但我一直在家支持她
but, man, I was the one at home.
都是我料理一切
I was the one tending to everything,
确保万事完美 并爱护她
making sure things were perfect, loving her all the time.
我根本没机会出去闯荡
It didn't give me any chance to go out and earn anything else.
-你觉得你理应分一半吗 -当然
- So you think you deserve half? - Yes!
平分你妻子的财富
Half of your wife's fortune?
没错 就像NBA妻子一样
Yes! Like an NBA wife, yes.
天 我不想参与其中 懂吗
God, I don't want to be involved, okay?
你已经牵涉进来了 皮特
Okay, well, you are involved, Pete.
我考虑的是未来
I'm thinking about the future,
我和杰茜的未来 我们需要它
my future, Jess's future. We need it.
所以呢 你要让我说谎
So what? You want me to lie?
我撞见你们了
I-- I walked in on you!
我看到你在和另一个女的做♥爱♥ 我老婆
I saw you having sex with another woman! My wife!
也许你没看见 也许你看见了
Maybe you didn't, maybe you did.
-什么 -也许你没看见
- What? - Maybe you did not.
好好想想 保护你爱的人
Think about it, man. Protect the people you love.
这也是杰茜的钱
This is Jess's money, too, man.
-我不想... -我们需要它
- I don't want to-- - We need it.
-滚开好吗 -好
- Fuck off, okay? - Okay.
我滚 但...
I will fuck off, but...
你得听听内心的声音
you got to listen to your heart, man.
我知道你心中有个声音
I know it's in your body, but it's got a little mouth.
你得仔细聆听
Listen to it.
我知道你会做正确的选择 皮特
And I-- and I know you'll do the right thing, Pete.
我相信你 一直如此
I believe in you. I always have.
我得说 我都不记得毕业舞会的事了
I got to tell you, I don't even think I remember my prom,
但我记得在舞会前两天
but I do remember that I did not find a date
我才找到舞伴
until two days before the prom.
还是有点紧张的
So I cut that kind of close.
我当时以为我男友会邀请我
My boyfriend at the time, well, I thought he was taking me,
但他居然邀请了别人
and it turns out, he was dating someone else.
没错
Yeah.
-他在舞会周背着你找别人了 -没错
- He was cheating on you on prom week? - Yeah.
我最后只能选择当时最好的舞伴 我自己
I ended up taking, um, the best date possible-- uh, myself.
太棒了
Yes!
感谢 当时我真的悟到了
Thank you so mu-- Like, it's... it's really-- It was defining.
我是舞会女王
Because, you know, I was prom queen, you know.
没错 好像是亚军还是啥的
Yeah, yeah. Or I think I was a runner-up, or whatever.
但我惊艳了全场
But I just... I, like, had a blast, you know.
我当时和朋友一起 我就想着
I was with my friends, and I was like,
"其实吧 我不需要男人
"You know what? I don't need a man
来取乐啊" 对吧
to like, have fun." You know?
没错 你悟得很早
That's right, you learned it at an early age.
没错 谢谢
Yeah. Thank you. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
你们知道吗
Yeah, and you know what? You know what?
他可以背着我乱搞
It's like-- It's like, you can cheat on me,
但我多曼妙可人啊
but you can't cheat on this!
没错
Yeah!
我们马上回来 厨房♥见
We'll be right back. I'll meet you guys in the kitchen
我将为大家做西班牙凉菜汤
for my Macho Gazpacho.
再次感谢 瓦内萨 你说得太好了
Thank you again, Vanessa. It was really good, really good.
大家为她鼓掌吧 说得太棒了
Okay, there she is, everybody! That was amazing!
没在拍摄了 大家可以坐下了
We're clear, guys, you can sit down!
-说得太棒了 对吧 -对
- Wow, that was incredible, right? - Yeah.
感人又启迪
That was moving, uh, very inspiring.
我从未看过观众
I've never seen an audience give so much love
给嘉宾这么多关爱 太棒了
to a guest like that, that was incredible.
真是个好故事
Wow, what a story.
有人被劈过腿吗
Anybody here ever been cheated on?
我知道这事肯定很难受
I know, it's kind of raw, right? It's hard.
我其实结过婚
I, myself, I was actually married,
但我撞见我老婆偷腥
and I just walked in on my wife having an affair.
这反应就对了嘛
I know, that's the correct response, good.
我当时太难受了
And it was hard, it was rough.
那男的叫利夫[谐音为叶子]
The guy's name was Leif.
我没骗你们 他的名字居然是植物
Yeah, that's real. He's named after foliage.
人们会在秋天开车去佛蒙特看他
People drive to Vermont to see him in the fall.
我撞见我老婆...
And I walked in on my wife...
居然在帮利夫口♥交♥[吹叶子机] 你们懂吧
being a real Leif-blower, if you know what...
想想我什么感觉 太惨了
Yeah, imagine how I felt! It was terrible.
但就像瓦内萨说的 她没有让我消沉
But, you know, just like Vanessa, she-- she didn't stop me.
这事才过去十天吧
This is like, what, 10 days later?
没几天 我就在这实现梦想了
It's only a little bit later, and here I am, living my dream.
进入演艺圈
Show business.
在《瑞秋·雷脱口秀》为这群超棒的观众热场
Warmin' up you wonderful people at Rachael Ray.
她能偷男人 但她无法阻止我的梦想 对吧
'Cause you can cheat on me, but you can't stop this, right?
对吧
Right?
你们真是太棒了
You guys are wonderful.
好了 信♥号♥♥响了
Okay. I'm getting the signal
我们要回到节目中了
that we need to-- we need to go right back.
请大家热烈鼓掌 再热烈点
So, big, big, big, big applause! Big-- Up, up, up!
欢迎她回来 再热烈点
And we'll bring her back! Up, up, up, up, up!
西班牙凉菜汤时间
It's time for the gazpacho!
大家欢迎回来 正如我说的 我要做...