差不多得了（2020）

我知道我最近工作很忙
Look, I know I've been super busy with work lately,
所以我想了个计划
so I came up with a plan.
食品公♥司♥每两周都会有公♥关♥噩梦
You know how Food Corps has a P.R. nightmare every couple weeks?
女顾客的罐头里发现了避孕套
"Condom Found in Woman's Can"?
怎么 我们要检查所有的罐头吗
What, are we supposed to inspect every can now?
我们需要一个宣传噱头来分散大家的注意力
Okay, we need a crazy publicity stunt to distract everyone.
-说吧 -我们可以在我女儿的学校赞助一个花♥园♥
- Go! - We could sponsor a garden at my daughter's school.
等等 等等 我有个主意
Wait, wait. I have an idea.
我们在我助理孩子的学校赞助一个花♥园♥怎么样
What if we sponsor a garden at my assistant's kid's school?
所以你今天要来我学校和我们一起打理花♥园♥吗
So you're coming to my school today to garden with us?
是的
Yep!
我也可以来帮忙打理花♥园♥
I could come help with the garden, too.
不 我不想打扰你
No, no, I don't want to interrupt your day.
你随时待命吧 你的任务也很重要
You're on call, and that's important.
可以去打水漂了吗 兄弟
Ready for a day of skipping rocks, bro?
食品公♥司♥
欢迎大家
Welcome, everyone.
我们的小花♥园♥变成了
Our little garden is turning into
一家大型食品公♥司♥的社区花♥园♥项目
a big Food Corps community garden project,
多亏了坎蒂斯的妈妈
all thanks to Candice's mom.
杰瑞·普莱姆布拉德《洛杉矶周刊》
Jerry Plembladd, L.A. Weekly.
这个社区活动
Is this community event
只是为了转移
merely an attempt to divert attention away
用过的避孕套的注意力
from the used condom that was found --
-套套没有用过 -不只是花♥园♥
- Okay, it was not used. - It's not just the garden.
我们要举办一场盛大的庆祝晚宴
We're gonna have a fancy celebration dinner,
大家都可以参加
and you're all invited.
就在今晚 对吗 艾米丽
And it's all gonna happen tonight, right, Emily?
是的 索尔特先生
Yes, Mr. Salt.
这里肯定没有避孕套
You won't find any condoms here.
同学们 排队去吃瑜伽零食吧
Okay, class. Line up for Yoga Snack Time.
等等 我以为孩子们会帮我打理花♥园♥呢
Wait, I thought the children would help me garden.
这个活动的重点就是陪伴坎 他们
And the whole point was to spend more time with Can-- them.
亲爱的 学校没有法律团队
Oh, honey, the school doesn't have the legal team for that.
相反 我们会培养他们内心的情感花♥园♥
Instead, we nurture their inner emotional garden.
妈妈要为你们班打理花♥园♥
Okay, Mommy's going to work on the garden for your class,
但是完事以后 我们就可以玩《掘墓人》了
but later, it's just you, me, and Grave Rollers!
并不期待 虽然我很喜欢期待的感觉
I'm not holding my breath, which is really fun to do.
你好像没什么心思打水漂啊
Your rock-throwing seems off today.
你没事吧 兄弟
You okay, bro?
你觉得我没用吗 兰迪
Do you think I'm useless, Randy?
艾米丽的工作能给我们买♥♥健康保险
Emily's job gets us health insurance and stuff,
我的工作什么也没有
and mine doesn't get us anything.
你得把自己当成一块石头
You gotta think of yourself like a rock.
你大半辈子都无所事事
You spend most of your life not doing much.
但等你成功了
But when you do...
那就太棒了
...it's beautiful.
土
天啊
Oh, man!
我为什么要加什锦坚果啊
Why did I fill this with assorted nuts?
别停啊 你做得很好
Don't stop now. You were doing such a good job.
吓人的大蜗牛
Creepy giant snail!
对不起 我没想吓你
Sorry. Didn't mean to startle you.
我只是饿的时候会发出那种声音
I just make that noise sometimes when I'm hungry.
别抱太大希望
Yeah, well, don't get your hopes up.
我一个人弄不完的
There's no way I can finish this garden.
也许我可以帮上忙
Perhaps I can be of service.
你需要更多的时间 我有顶魔法帽
You need more time, and I've got a magic hat.
什么意思 这是什么梗吗
What is that, an expression?
不 我真的有一顶能减慢时间的魔法帽
No, no, I've literally got a magic hat that can slow down time.
我可以跟你做个交易
What if I made you a deal?
我可以让你用这顶帽子打理花♥园♥
I'll let you use the hat to work the garden,
作为回报 你让我免费
and in return, you give me a free pass to...
啃食植物
nibble on the vegetation.
好
Okay.
来吧 试试打理花♥园♥吧
Go ahead, try using it on the garden.
香芹籽
土
太省时间了
What a time saver!
喂 索尔特先生
Hello, Mr. Salt.
艾米丽 你去租赁店去取迷你燕尾服
Emily, I need you to pick up the mini tuxes from the rental place
-尽快放到我的桌上 -迷你燕尾服
- and have them on my desk ASAP. - Mini tuxes?
索尔特先生 晚餐一小时后就开始了
Mr. Salt, the dinner's in an hour.
我知道 所以你取完了衣服
I know. That's why when you're done with that,
《掘墓人》
就去哈维尔的舞室
you can stop by Javier's Dance Studio
学一下编舞再去教孩子们
to learn the choreography to teach the children.
媒体肯定很喜欢
The press is gonna eat this up.
好的 我这就去
Okay. I'll handle it.
不能说脏话
叮咚
Knock, knock!
我回家路上经过了多明戈食物车
On my way home, I passed the Domingo's truck,
给你带了点玉米卷
and I brought you some carnitas tacos.
光是这个香味
Oh, the aroma alone conveys the sensation
就让我感觉在库埃纳瓦卡的街道上滑行
of slithering down the streets of Cuernavaca,
其实我都没去过那里
and I've not even been there.
总之 工作上出了点事
So, anyway, some work stuff came up,
我能不能再借用一下你的帽子
and I was wondering if I could borrow that hat again?
很不幸 这顶帽子只能在打理花♥园♥的时候戴
Unfortunately, the hat's only for the garden.
-拜托 -不行
- Come on. - No!
你在育儿海鲜饭里放那么多食材
It's not my fault you put too many ingredients
又不是我的错
in your parenting paella.
你这是什么意思
What's that supposed to mean?!
我是说你是个糟糕的家长
It means you're a shit parent.
失陪了
Now, if you'll excuse me,
吃完玉米卷 我该午睡了
it's time for a little post-taco siesta.
不用你教我该怎么当职场母亲
Don't tell me how to be a working mom.
燕尾服租赁店
租赁燕尾服
食品公♥司♥
舞室
食品公♥司♥
我真的佩服你 拉米雷斯
I gotta hand it to you, Ramirez.
你真的全都搞定了
You really took care of everything.
谢谢 索尔特先生
Thanks, Mr. Salt.
没什么大不了的
It was nothing.
别谦虚
Oh, don't be modest.
你鱼尾纹这么重
I can tell that it was really stressful,
我能看出来你压力很大
judging by those massive crow's feet.
鱼尾纹 我今早还没有呢
Crow's feet? I didn't have these this morning.
别不好意思 自信地露出来吧
Don't be embarrassed. Let them ca-caw loud and proud!
喂饱富人
食品公♥司♥
乳胶避孕套
坎蒂斯 你没事吧
Candice! Are you okay?
它吓到我了
He scared me.
瞧瞧
Well, well, well.
看来有人对魔法帽欲罢不能了啊
Looks like someone couldn't get enough of the hat.
看看你 每一寸皮肤都在快速衰老
And look at you, aging rapidly with every disgusting tip of it.
我警告过你后果
I warned you of the consequences,
但你还是不听劝
and yet you still chose to break our deal.
后果 你什么都没说啊
Consequences? You didn't say anything about that.
也许我说得太快了
Perhaps I was talking too fast for you.
我可以让你用这顶帽子打理花♥园♥
I'll let you use the hat to work the garden,
作为回报 你让我免费
and in return, you give me a free pass to...
啃食植物
nibble on the vegetation.
在花♥园♥外使用帽子
Any use of the hat outside the garden
会导致快速衰老
will result in rapid aging,
肛♥门♥漏液 你的孩子也要归我
acquisition of child, and may cause anal leakage.
我可以自己担♥保♥
I, myself, can vouch for that.
我绝不会同意这些条件的
I would have never agreed to that.
但你已经同意了
But you already did!
妈妈
Mommy!
怎么回事
What's happening?!
妈妈忙得顾不上你了
Mommy's too busy to care now.
我们一起找点乐子吧
But we're going to have some fun together.
比如看电影 玩桌游
Maybe go see a movie, maybe play some board games,