美式主妇

American Housewife S05E11

Part 1 March 23, 2021, 10:39 a.m.

美式主妇
第五季第十一集
完成
All done.
完美
Perfect!
现在我已经准备好参加学校的"疯狂发型日"了
Now I'm ready for "Crazy Hair Day" At school.
你呢富兰克林
What about you, Franklin?
没人能动我的头发老兄
No one messes with my hair, man.
我刚刚在做我们遗嘱十年一轮的更新
I was just doing the 10-year update on our will,
我发现如果我们发生意外
and I discovered my parents are still the kids' guardians
我父母还是孩子们的监护人
if anything happens to us.
我们当初为什么会选他们
Why did we ever choose them?
当时我们还以为他们是好人
Well, that's when we thought they were good people,
直到我发现我爸过去40年里
before we discovered that my dad had a secret family
在外面还有个秘密家庭
for the last 40 years.
天啊太好笑了
Oh, man, that was hilarious!
有史以来最棒的感恩节
Best Turkey Day ever.
显然对你来说很痛苦
Obviously deeply painful for you.
泰勒已经不需要监护人了
Taylor doesn't need a guardian anymore.
奥利弗也快18了但我们得给安娜凯特找一个
Oliver's almost 18, but we still need one for Anna-Kat.
我觉得我们两个都先列张表
So I was thinking that we each make a list --
别带上我
Leave me out of this.
这是你负责的领域
That is your area.
你在说什么
What are you talking about?
遗嘱和法定监护人是你的领域
Wills and legal guardians are your area.
还有文书工作告诉孩子们宠物死了
Also, paperwork, telling the kids when a pet dies,
和杞人忧天
and doom and gloom.
世界本就是不可预测的
The world's an unpredictable place.
因此人们有保险
That's why people have insurance.
还需要在车♥库♥里备十四箱烘豆
And 14 cases of baked beans in the garage.
你笑吧但等社会崩溃时
You laugh, but when society collapses,
烘豆会变成硬通货
baked beans will be the currency.
所以这是你的领域
That's why this is your area.
你在半夜醒过来
You wake up in the middle of the night
会担心死于空难
worried about dying in a plane crash.
如果我在半夜醒过来
If I wake up in the middle of the night,
我会打开电视看《印度媒婆》
I turn on the TV and watch "Indian Matchmaking."
感觉所有糟糕的领域都是我负责
Feels like I have all the terrible areas.
你的领域是什么
What are yours?
你们好真正的母亲们
Hey, all you real mothers.
今天我要跟我丈夫展示作为一个母亲
Today I am showing my husband all the sucky things
要负责的一些糟糕领域
that fall under my area as a mother.
首先是 "冰箱气味警♥察♥"
First up, "Refrigerator Smell Police."
酸奶
还能再放一个星期
Still got another week in it.
还能有更多益生菌
Plus, extra probiotics.
我不知道你们是怎么做的
I don't know about you mommies,
但我有一整套用电池的流程
but I have got a whole system for batteries.
当电视遥控器失灵了
When the TV remote loses its oomph,
我会把新电池放进去
I put fresh batteries in
然后把旧电池逐级再利用
and shuffle the weak batteries down the line.
顺序是孩子们的玩具杂物抽屉里的手电筒
It goes kids' toys, then junk-drawer flashlight,
最后是烟雾检测器
then smoke detectors.
所以我们的烟雾检测器不工作吗
So our smoke detectors aren't working?
放心是租的
Relax, it's a rental.
但家又不是租来的
But your family isn't a rental.
是就好了对吗
Oh, if only, right?
你失手了
Ha. You missed.
这次我不会了
This time I won't.
搞什么现在我得换衣服了
What the hell? Now I have to change!
好主意从脸开始换吧
Good idea. Start with your face.
停下你们俩都是
Stop it, both of you!
这是我最讨厌的领域
This is my least favorite area --
给他俩调解
refereeing these two.
是他挑起来的
He started it!
你又干过什么呢
What have you ever started,
除了用你的话让我的脑细胞缓慢死亡以外
besides the slow death of my brain cells when you talk?
你们能不能不要总是惹恼彼此
Hey, instead of always turning on each other,
你们应该支持彼此
you are going to support each other.
事实上你们要去学习
As a matter of fact, you are going to learn
支持家庭意味着什么
what it means to support family
格雷格·奥图正直
通过把你们爸爸的竞选标语挂满整个小镇
by hanging your father's campaign signs around town.
宝贝谢谢你
Aw, honey, thank you --
因为他为了一些很蠢的理由在竞选市议会
Because he's running for City Council for some dumbass reason.
我感激得太早了怪我
A little premature with my gratitude. That's on me.
我们会惹上麻烦吗如果
How much trouble will we get in if, like, say,
你在两个街区外的垃圾桶里发现了这些标语
you found these in a trash can two blocks away?
我只是假设
Hypothetically speaking.
干得好天才现在我们没法这么干了
Oh, great job, genius. Now we can't do that.
他们又不知道我说了假设了
They don't know that. I said "Hypothetically."
我简直不敢相信泰勒
I can't believe you, Taylor.
天啊妈妈好吧
Geez, Mom, fine.
我们不会把它们扔到垃圾桶里
We won't put them in the trash cans.
不不是那个
No, not that.
你居然把"假设"这个词用对了
You actually used the word "Hypothetically" correctly.
大块头
Hey, big guy!
你看起来很忙啊
Looks like you're really chewing on something.
富兰克林你不是应该跟安娜凯特在一起吗
Franklin shouldn't you be with Anna-Kat?
我得从甜蜜的枷锁中喘口气
I needed a little break from the old ball and chain.
你知道的
You know how it is.
再说了她现在跟她奶奶打牌呢
Plus, she's playing cards with her grandma.
就像彼得·弗兰普顿在一次跨大西洋航♥班♥中跟我说的
As Peter Frampton once said to me on a transatlantic flight,
著名摇滚音乐家
让我看看它们
let's see 'em.
你什么都没有而我是同花
Oh, so you have nothing. I have a flush.
我赢了
I win.
是你叫我全压的
Well, you told me to go all-in!
那是我所有的零花钱
That was my whole allowance.
你还有圣诞节红包不是吗
You still have Christmas money, don't you?
我们再来
Let's play again.
你在干什么
So, what's going on?
我只是想弄清楚
I'm just trying to figure out if something were to happen
如果我和凯蒂出了意外谁会照顾
to Katie and me, who would take care of...
卢瑟
Luthor.
生死动物伴侣
Life, death, animal companions.
你处理的都是大事
You're dealing with all the big ones.
凯蒂和我一直说我们想
Katie and I have always said we want...Luthor
在家里找个人照顾卢瑟
to go to someone in the family,
但是没有很多好的选择
but there aren't a lot of great candidates.
凯瑟琳怎么样
What about Kathryn?
你要吃点东西吗
Would you like a little treat?
就用这个来填肚子吧
Yeah, just to take the edge off.
就这样好孩子
There you go. Good boy.
我猜得照顾到上大学
I guess it is just until college.
卢瑟要去上大学
Luthor's going to college?
他不会去当学生什么的
Oh, he's not gonna be a student or anything.
只是旁听一些课程
He's just auditing some classes.
更说得通了
Oh, that makes more sense.
老天我爱死二轮早餐了
God, I love Second Breakfast.
我知道
I know.
你知道吃完华夫饼吃什么最好吗
You know what's a good follow-up to waffles?
华夫饼
Waffles!
不仅仅因为吃的
It's not just about eating.
更是因为能跟不姓格雷格的人说话
It's about having people to talk to who aren't named Greg.
或者马特
Or Matt.
或者语♥音♥助手
Or Siri.
我孤身一人
I am all alone.
但这不会持续太久多亏了你
But not for long, thanks to you
从生育诊所里帮我把潜在捐献者的名字偷了出来
swiping my potential egg donors' names from the fertility clinic.
现在我得想办法跟她们见面
Now I have to find out how to meet them in person
然后才能下决定
so I can make my decision.
你得偷偷关注他们的社交媒体
You need to stalk their social media.