美式主妇

American Housewife S05E09

Part 3 March 23, 2021, 10:39 a.m.

Tami, cough it up.
我没带现金
I don't have any cash.
J.D.
J.D.?
转账可以吗
Uh, do you take Venmo?
出去
Get out.
好的
Okay.
我告诉你吧
I'll just tell you.
是梅尔·吉布森[美国演员]
It was Mel Gibson.
要是不和捐卵者见面
Guys, I don't know if I can have a baby
我无法确定自己该不该要这个孩子
without meeting my egg donor in person.
她要是那种飞机落地时会鼓掌人怎么办
What if she's someone who claps when a plane lands?
我可接受不了那种遗传基因
I can't live with that kind of genetic material.
我就那样鼓掌有什么不好的
Hey, I do that. Why is that bad?
-我们幸存下来了啊 -别担心
- We lived. - Don't worry.
我们还能见到你的捐赠人
We can still meet your donors.
在我们离开之前我去了卫生间
Before we left, I went to the bathroom
然后把窗户的锁打开了
and unlocked the window.
所以我们可以今晚溜进去
So we can sneak back in tonight
拿你捐赠人的地址
and get the addresses of your donors.
我们要是被抓怎么办我不能蹲监狱
What if we get caught? I can't go to jail.
拜托淡定点
Come on. Be cool.
好吧我加入
Oh, okay. I'm in.
我很容易受团体压力影响
I'm very susceptible to peer pressure.
塔米如果我们被抓到
Tami, if we get caught,
他们就再也不会考虑
they're never going to consider me viable
提供卵子给我了
for an egg donation.
没错我退出
Oh, that's true. I'm back out.
但你刚才也说如果不和她们见面
But you just said if you don't meet them face-to-face,
你就不会要孩子
then you're not going to do it.
如果我们不这么做就要不了孩子
If we don't do this, no baby.
我真的想要一个孩子
I really want a baby.
-我加入 -那我也重新加入
- I'm in. - I'm back in, too.
这好有趣
This is fun.
我现在完全乱了
I'm all over the place.
是的没错
Yeah, you are.
西港日报
每日新闻
我不相信报刊发行人不肯撤回报道
I can't believe the publisher wouldn't retract the story.
看来他是正直的人
I guess he has integrity.
你今天学会了一个新词我知道了
You learned a new word today. We get it.
你是不是那个在斯金餐厅
Aren't you that dude from Stewart and Kingston's
每写一张支票都加一句名言的人
who writes a quote on every check?
"知识就是力量
"Knowledge is power.
而知识共享会让力量倍增"
Knowledge shared is power multiplied."
出自罗伯特·诺伊斯
Robert Noyce.
好了我要拍一张你的照片
Yeah, I need to get a photo of you
证明给厨房♥的那些人看
to prove to the guys in the kitchen
你不是什么90岁的老太太
that you're not a 90-year-old woman.
你们为什么来见我爸
Why were you guys meeting with my dad?
你♥爸♥是西港公报的发行人吗
Your dad is the publisher of the Westport Gazette?
是的
Sure is.
事实上他买♥♥下这家报社的唯一原因
In fact, the only reason he bought it
就是为了让我不被登在逮捕版面上
was to keep me out of the arrest page.
我总是付你百分之二十的小费
As someone who always tips you 20%,
你介不介意让你♥爸♥
would you mind asking your dad
把她从逮捕记录里撤掉
to keep her out of the police blotter?
我在竞选市议员
I'm running for city council.
我现在经受不起丑闻的影响
I can't afford a scandal right now.
这也不是我第一次帮政客
It won't be the first time I've helped a politician
把他们情妇的名字从报纸上撤掉了
keep his mistress out of the newspaper.
-她是我女儿 -他是我爸
- She's my daughter. - He's my dad!
你们已经对好口供了
You guys have your story straight.
非常好
Well done.
我愿意帮你
I'd be happy to help you,
如果你愿意帮我的话
if you're willing to help me.
一旦你选上议员
Once you're on the city council,
我要你给我前妻的房♥子重新分区
I need you to rezone my ex's house
这样它就不属于西港区了
so it's not in Westport.
你为什么要那么做
Why would you want that?
为了让她的房♥产贬值
To lower her property value.
她说我小气报复心重这是给她的教训
That'll teach her to call me petty and vengeful.
我认为这个交易不太道德
I don't think a deal like that would be ethical.
好吧你考虑一下
Alright, well, think about it.
如果你们俩分手了相信我
And if you two ever broke up, trust me,
你也想对她做同样的事
you'd want to do the same thing to her.
她是我女儿
She's my daughter.
你是她的"爸爸"
And you're her daddy.
当建筑工人怎么样
What about construction worker?
不行我曾祖父临终前
Oh, no. I promised my great-grandfather
我向他保证过永远不做体力劳动
on his deathbed never to do manual labor.
因为这个我参加他的葬礼时都没抬棺
I wasn't a pallbearer at his funeral for that very reason.
好吧
Fair enough.
那喜剧演员呢
What about...comedian?
众所周知
I have been known
关于这个世界我有一些非常敏锐的观点
to make some fairly keen observations about the world.
也许现在我该把它用段子的形式展示出来
Maybe it's time I put it in joke form.
没错我很喜欢你的观点
Yeah. I love your observations.
哪个
Oh. Which ones?
很敏锐的那些
The...keen ones.
我也很爱
I love those, too.
然后那只袋鼠说
...then the kangaroo said,
"因为我们是有袋动物啊我的天呐"
"Because I'm a marsupial, for God's sake!"
我的男孩真是什么都擅长
My boy can literally do anything.
谢谢大家我的表演结束了
Thank you, guys. That has been my time.
下一位要登台的就是我们喜剧演员的未来之星
Next up on the stage is an up-and-coming comedian.
举起你们的双手欢迎库珀·布拉福德
Put your hands together for Cooper Bradford!
我有一天在喝温泉水
So, I was having some spa water the other day,
我就想 "为什么叫温泉水"
and I was like, "Why do they call it spa water?"
你不只是在泡温泉的时候喝
You don't just drink it in the spa.
你在游艇上宅邸里也会喝
You drink it on your yacht, in your mansion.
他们该叫它"哪哪都是水"
They should call it everywhere water.
各位这很好笑
Guys, that's -- that's funny.
别跟我们说话继续
Don't talk to us. Just keep going.
游艇主最喜欢的饶舌歌♥是什么
What's a yacht owner's favorite rap song?
"我喜欢大船我不能说谎"[原唱是"我喜欢大屁♥股♥
"I Like Big Boats and I Cannot Lie."
这些段子曾经让我的员工们笑得死去活来
These jokes used to kill with my staff.
你们怎么不笑
Why aren't you guys laughing?
因为你是他们的老板
Because you were their boss.
你付他们钱来笑了
You paid them to laugh.
真不好对付
Tough crowd.
看来我得喝点"哪哪都是水"了
Looks like I need some everywhere water.
还不笑这可是喜剧高级技术啊
Nothing? That's called a callback, people.
拜托
C'mon!
我有办法不让泰勒进入警♥察♥逮捕记录了
I found a way to keep Taylor out of the police blotter,
但我需要你的帮助我该保持正直
but I need your help. Should I keep my integrity
还是应该做个秘密交易
or should I make a backdoor deal?
-格雷格来吧 -来吧什么
- Greg, come on. - Come on, what?
我们都知道这是怎么回事
We both know what's happening here.
你正直先生来找我
You, Mr. Integrity, are coming to me,
毫不正直女士所以我能告诉你
Mrs. Not A Shred Of Integrity, so I can tell you
做那个你不敢做的决定
to make the decision that you're too afraid to make.
就是这么回事
That's exactly what's happening.
帮我合理化我的行为
Help me justify my actions.
尽管你让泰德不上报
Even though you are benefiting politically
能让你在政♥治♥层面收益
by keeping Taylor out of the paper,
但同时你也避免了她的难堪
you are protecting her from embarrassment.
-继续 -而无论何时你试图保护家人时
- Keep going. - And whenever you're trying to protect your family,
你都将永远正直
you will always have integrity.
竟然有点道理
That kind of makes sense.
就像黑♥手♥党♥里那个家伙
Just like when the guy in the Mafia whacks someone
猛揍盯着他老婆乱看的人一样
who's looking at his wife wrong.
-什么 -不重要