生病风波

My new sheets from the "Under a dollar" store
我从"不到一元店"买来的新床单
feel so luxurious,
好有奢华风
like they could maybe cost over a dollar,
感觉价值超过一元
maybe even 2 or 3.
值个两到三元呢
Yup. It was a good day over at the "Under a dollar."
对啊 今天在那店真是走运
Steak, bed stuff, and my new steak eatin' chair.
买到牛排 床品 还有我的吃牛排专座
Doesn't it worry you that you got that meat and furniture
那块肉跟椅子的价格不让你担心吗
for the price of an Angry Birds update?
价钱跟愤怒小鸟软件升级一样呢[一块钱]
Yeah, it worries me that it'll never happen again.
我可担心这种好事以后碰不上了
Sheets and steak? Never dared to dream it.
床罩加牛排 以前想都不敢想
These sheets smell amazing too,
这床罩真好闻
thanks to that one little fabric softener ball,
都要感谢那一颗要价不到一块钱的
also under a dollar.
衣物柔顺球
I dated a guy with one ball once.
我也跟"一颗球[蛋]"的男人约会过
He was all self conscious, but I told him,
他一直很在意 但我告诉他
No big deal. It's just as ugly as two."
别担心 一粒跟两粒一样恶心""
I am going to get such a good night's
我今晚一定能睡一个好...
Oh, sheet!
我的床罩[操]
Thread count: Yes.
织物密度 有"
Washing instructions: Do not wash."
洗涤注意事项 不能洗"
Are you sure you want to sit in that?
你确定你要坐那椅子吗
Woman, don't talk to me while I'm eatin' my steak!
臭婆娘 老子吃牛排时 少跟我唧唧歪歪
Instructions: Do not sit."
使用说明 请勿坐""
Yay, root beer barrel!
沙士桶糖
What? A candy trail.
什么 有糖果指路
God, are you just getting to me now?
神啊 你终于要眷顾我了吗
You do work in mysterious ways.
你显示神迹的方式果然独特啊
I'm not God, but I believe
我不是神 但我昨晚
I did answer your roommate's prayers last night.
的确有满足你室友祈祷的愿望
Andy!
安迪
So how'd this happen?
这是怎么回事
Where'd you guys find each other again?
你们怎么重新勾搭上的
Rematch.Com?
再合网吗
Empty vajay date?
还是空虚阴♥部佳缘网
No, last night, I thought,
昨晚我就想
well, these sheets are already ruined,
反正床单都毁[乱]了"
so I might as well really ruin them with sex,"
那好歹也该来一炮来真正弄乱它吧
so I called Andy.
所以我就打给安迪啦
And I was obviously flattered, so I came over.
接到电话 我受宠若惊 就来啦
Well, I hope you guys spent more than $1 for condoms.
希望你们用的是超过一元的套套
Hey, there are two things I never skimp on:
在两种东西上 我从来不省钱
condoms and candy.
套套与糖果
And Max, did you see what I left over there
麦克斯 你有看到我在厨房桌上
on the kitchen counter for you?
留给你的礼物吗
Condoms? Candy? Condoms full of candy?
套套还是糖果 还是装满糖果的套套
Well, now, you're going to be disappointed,
你期望值这么高 那这下要失望了
because it's just candy.
因为礼物只有糖果
Ooh, all my favorites!
都是我的最爱
I wonder if I can get diabetes before breakfast.
我好奇是否在早餐前 我就染会上糖尿病
Thanks, Andy.
谢啦 安迪
That candy was just a decoy,
那个糖果是为了调虎离山
so you didn't see my push pop when I got out of bed.
这样我下床就不会让你看见我的"口红糖"[鸡鸡]
So...are you and Andy back together?
你跟安迪又好上啦
No. It was just a one time thing.
才没有 只单纯来一炮而已
Look at you.
瞧你这样
You're like the greek goddess of booty calls.
看起来像希腊的约炮女神
Aphro whitey.
阿芙洛白罩
注释：阿芙洛狄忒是希腊神话中代表爱与美的女神
Kind of proud of myself. My very first booty call.
好自豪啊 我的第一次约炮
Well, actually, it was a booty tweet.
其实还是网上约炮
Booty's up with the times.
约炮也得约得时尚啊
Technically, booty call's been around
基本上约炮这事
since the old timey times.
几百年前就有了好吗
Alexander Graham bell's
发明电话的贝尔打的
very first phone call was "Hey, you up?"
第一通电话就说"你还醒着呢"[经♥典约炮金句]
Hey, so, um, I gotta go. Is that cool?
我得走了 没问题吧
Oh, super cool, sure.
当然没问题 走吧
What do we do, kiss? High five?
我们该怎么做 亲一个 还是击个掌
Max, what do you do in this situation?
麦克斯 你这种时候都怎么做的
I usually wave at him with my arm clenched,
我通常都夹着手臂跟他挥手道别
cause I'm hiding his wallet in it.
因为我藏着他的钱包呢'
Well, nice seeing you.
很高兴见到你
I don't usually do the salute,
我通常不会敬礼啦
but okay, that can be your thing.
但也没事 能当你的招牌动作
Earl, here's my last check.
厄尔 这是我最后一张单
Can you tip me out? I have a possible booty call.
能帮我结了吗 我准备打电话约炮
Well, Caroline,
卡洛琳
you've reached a new place of familiarity with me.
你做这事 让我俩之间又更相近了
Unfortunately, I've not reached that same place with you.
只可惜我不是跟你一起"做"这事
Can you cover my tables?
你能照看一下我这区吗
I've been doing that since you started working here,
打从你第一天来上班 我就在帮你了
so yes.
所以没问题
Good, 'cause I'm gonna text Andy
那就好 我要发短信给安迪
for another booty call, and maybe this time
跟他再约次炮 这次说不定
we can go out and have a booty breakfast.
我们可以共进个炮后早餐呢
As the president of the casual sex society, local chapter,
作为约炮地区自治协会的会长呢
I call bull on your booty.
我认为你假约炮真谈情
What? It's a booty call.
哪有 只是约炮啊
Not with you it isn't.
约你个大头鬼啊
You think that booty breakfast
你想着吃完炮后早餐
will maybe lead to a booty dinner
就能约个炮后晚餐
then maybe booty engaged and booty married
接着就炮后订婚 然后炮后结婚
and have a couple booty kids and a booty retirement home
生几个炮后娃 再一起搬进炮后老人院
and then booty die together.
最后炮后一起死
That's not true. He'll die before me,
才不会呢 他绝对会比我先死
then I'll take a dance class.
然后我再去舞蹈班钓男人
What are you doing? Do you have to pee?
你在干嘛 想尿尿吗
No, I feel something... down there.
不是 我感觉下面... 有古怪
Yeah, you woke it up. Now it's hungry.
废话 "她"现在觉醒了 "饥渴"着呢
But you don't take it back to the same restaunt.
但你不可以带她去吃"同一家餐厅的鸡"哦
What is that and why is it wearing a bow tie?
干嘛穿成这样 还系个领结
Maybe because actual tie would drag on the ground.
他如果系个普通领带 会垂到地上吧
Speaking of "Dragging on the ground,"
要说"垂到地上"[地面上拖]
maybe you could drag an antelope back to your cave
你何不去拖一只羚羊回你的淫窝
and have sex with it.
然后跟它爽一下呢
See, I have a sense of humor too.
你看 我也是个幽默的人
That's one of the attributes on my online dating profile.
我交友网站上的个人档案就有写这一特质
Han, are you all dressed up because you're expecting a date?
阿憨 你打扮这么帅是因为要见女孩吗
Oh, I'm expecting a lot more than a date.
我希望不只是单纯见一下那么简单
Our profiles matched us perfectly.
我们的个人档案十分般配
This might be the one. Which one?
可能就是她了 哪个她
The first one? The only one?
你的第一个她 还是唯一那个她
The one that accidentally steps on you?
还是不小心踩扁你的那个她
She was supposed to be here a half hour ago.
她半小时前就该到了
Well, you know, subways run late,
你懂的 地铁总是晚到
especially if you don't get on them
尤其是人家根本没上去
because you don't really exist
因为那人根本不存在
in our money scamming man in Nairobi.
只是个网上骗钱的而已
Hi, I'm looking for Han Lee, the owner.
您好 我想找老板 李憨先生
There she is. Pretty, blonde,
她来了 漂亮 金发
and clearly not a man.
而且明显不是男人
Who's laughing now?
现在谁爽啊
You shouldn't jump to conclusions.
别太急着下定论
I once had a date with a blonde woman.
我也曾经跟一个金发美女约过会
Turns out, the curtains matched the penis on that one.
结果我跟他的共同点 就是都有鸡鸡
Hello. Are you Ashley? I'm Han Lee.
你好 你是艾希莉吗 我是李憨
Hi. Nice to meet you.
你好 幸会幸会
I left something in my car I'll be right back.
我有东西忘车上了 马上回来
Is she coming back?
她会回来吗
Han, Jesus is coming back before she is.
阿憨 耶稣回来人间救赎都比她快
Han, you're too good for her.
阿憨 她配不上你
I don't understand.
我就不懂了
We were 97% compatible on the website.
网站显示我们97%相配呢
Let me see your profile.
让我看看你的个人档案
Who's that? That's me.
这头像是谁 我啊
No, that's the hot asian star from Hawaii Five 0.
屁咧 这明明是《天堂执法者》里的亚洲帅哥
What? We kinda look alike.
干嘛 我们有点像好吗
The only thing you have in common
你们俩唯一相像的地方只有
with this guy from Hawaii five 0
人家是《夏威夷5 0》[直译]
is that you are 5'0".
而你是5尺0寸
And Han, "athletic"?
阿憨 你还填"运动型"啊
In school, I ran track.
我以前是田径铁人呢
Running under the hurdles doesn't count as track.
从跨栏下方跑过不算是田径好吗
Han, this is totally lame.
阿憨 你这弱爆了
Let me help you find the right girl.
让我帮你找个适合你的姑娘吧
You give me so much joy at your expense,
你让我建筑无数快乐在你痛苦上
I feel like I need to give back.
我觉得我该报答你
Thank you, Max,
谢谢你啊 麦克斯
I'm insulted and honored at the same time.
让我受辱之余还能倍感光荣
Seeing Han and Ashley together for that one second
看到阿憨与艾希莉相会的那一秒
made me realize I want to be back in a relationship.
让我发觉我想要一段感情
I'm going to text Andy.
我要发短信给安迪
I knew it. I called that. I booty called that.
我就知道 我早说中 我早约中了
Your casual sex card is being revoked.
你的约炮资格证被取消了
Unfortunately, Andy is still an active member.
很遗憾的是 安迪还是个活跃会员呢
Very active. What are you talking about?
十分活跃 你这是什么意思
I'm saying he has an active member.
他有"根"很活跃的"会员"
He told me he's seeing someone.
他说他有跟别人有交往
He's seeing someone?
他在跟人交往吗
Actually, he's seeing a few someones.
其实 还"交"了不只几个人呢
How many someones?
多少个人啊
Oh, it's back.
感觉又来了
Do you think this itch has anything to do
你觉得这瘙痒跟
with those many someones?
他那"几个人"有关吗
Do you think he gave me something?
会不会是他传染了什么病给我啊
Well, if he did, you just gave it to the counter.
如果他真传染给你 那你也传染给这柜台了
What did poor people do before WebMD?
穷人在有线上医生网前都怎么过的啊
They died.
病了就死了呗
Ooh! What is that?
靠 那是什么啊
It's all red and chunky. I hope that's not what you have.
红红稠稠的 希望你别中了这个啊
Max, that's salsa.
麦克斯 那是你的莎莎酱
But look. Oh! What the hell is that?
但你看 哇 这又他妈是啥啊
What the hell does Jen from New Rochelle have?
新罗谢尔市的珍得的是啥鬼玩意啊
It's a rash. Jen says
只是皮疹 珍说
It was bad for awhile, then disappeared."
有段时间挺糟的 后来又消失了""
So Jen came down with a case of "My father"?
所以珍的病 基本就是"我老爸"嘛
A rash. That doesn't sound so bad.
皮疹而已 感觉还好啊
I could live with a rash.
我可以接受皮疹
Except Dr. Web thinks it might be herpes.
但网上医生认为是疱疹呢
Trust me, I don't have it.
相信我 我没得那个
Jen's obviously a whore.
这珍一看就是个骚货
Well, does it look like this?
那你那里看起来像这样吗
I don't know, I can't quite bend over far enough to see it.
不知道啊 我没这么柔软可以自己弯腰看到
Fine. I'll look at it.
好吧 那我帮你看
What? No!
什么 不行
What? Jen showed me hers.
有何不可 珍都让我看她的了
I'm sure mine is just a rash.
我肯定我只是得了个皮疹
Cathy from Colorado says,
科罗拉多的凯西说
I thought it was just a rash, but guess what?
我以为只是个皮疹 结果呢"
Rashes are always herpes."
皮疹永远都是疱疹"
I can't have herpes.
我不能得疱疹
Sex is the only fun thing poor people can afford.
性♥爱是穷人唯一玩得起的娱乐了
Oh, my God. Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God.
天啊 神啊 菩萨啊 观音啊
Just let me see it.
就让我帮你看嘛
Max, I could not continue to live here if you ever saw it.
麦克斯 让你看 那我就没脸住下去了
Well, then definitely let me see it.
那我绝对要看了
It's okay, I have one too,
怕啥啊 你有的我都有
except mine has a "Welcome" mat.
除了我的那里有个"欢迎进入"的脚踏垫
I know, I'll just take a picture of it.
我知道了 我拍张那里的照片就行了
And that's how Kim Kardashian became famous.
这就是金·卡戴珊出名的原因
It's bad enough I'm taking a picture of my vagina,
拍我"小妹妹"的照已经够惨了
拍I'm doing it with an Iphone 3.
更惨的是我还得用Iphone 3来
too dark. Needs a flash.
太暗了 要闪光灯
All right, but watch out for red eye.
行 但注意红眼啊
Ohh...There she is.
这下瞧见她了
Yeah, that's definitely something.
看样子绝对有问题
Let me see it. Wait, it needs a filter.
让我看看 等等 这得加个滤镜
Lo fi, no. Valencia, no.
低保真度 巴伦西亚滤镜 都不要
Oh, maybe just a border. Just give it to me.
还是加个边框啊 快给我看
Oh ho, that's not good.
哎哟 这绝对有问题
I just want to go on the record.
我就想声明一下
It doesn't always look like that.
她平常不是这样的
It's actually quite pretty.
平常还挺美的呢
Well, now it has a good personality.
现在她则是丑得很有个性
Oh, that's probably the center for disease control
估计是疾病管理局的人来敲门
coming to get me with their van.
开着隔离车要把我带走了
I'll get it. The walking helps.
我去开吧 走路时舒服点
Oh, my God.
我的老天啊
Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God.
神啊 菩萨啊 观音啊 亲娘啊
Hi, girls! I got chinese food.
姑娘们 我打包了中餐
You want to hang out?
要不要一起玩啊
Sophie, this isn't a good time.
苏菲 现在不是时候
Uh ohh, someone's got the herp walk.
惨了 有人在走疱疹步
Sophie, we don't know what it is.
苏菲 还不知道是什么病呢
It could just be a rash.
可能只是个皮疹而已
Yeah, it could, but it probably isn't.
的确有可能 不过基本不会的
Yeah, let me see. Stop it.
来 让我看看 住手
What? It's okay, I was a nurse back in Poland.
干嘛 没事的 我以前在波兰是个护士呢
You've heard of "Doctors without borders"?
你听说过"无国界医生"吗
Well, we were "Nurses without credentials."
我当年则是"无执照护士"
Yeah. Our motto was: "What? We want to help."
我们当年的口号是"干嘛 我们就想帮忙嘛"
Quit stop it!
不 不许
Max, don't show Sophie
麦克斯 不准给苏菲看...
Oh, my God!
我的天啊
Oh, I mean, come on, slap a filter on this thing.
拜托哦 你好歹也给这图上个滤镜吧
Okay. I'm done.
好了 我受够了
I'm done with nurses without credentials
我受够无执照护士
Or doctors without faces.
也受够远端线上医生了
tomorrow, I'm going to a free clinic.
明天 我要去免♥费诊所
Well, is real bad.
你真的挺严重的
You better run, don't herp walk.
你最好跑着去 别走疱疹步了
Whoa, this thing says one out of six people have herpes!
这上面说平均每六个人就会有一个得疱疹
Max, anyone in here could be the "one in six."
麦克斯 这里任何人都可能是那"六分之一"
Are you sure you don't want to get tested while we're here?
既然我们都来了 你不顺便测一下吗
Nah, I'm bad at tests.
不了 我任何测试成绩都很烂
Besides, if you can't afford a doctor,
再说了 如果花不起钱看医生
it's better to just spend whatever money you got on weed
那你最好把所有钱花在大♥麻上
to help you forget whatever you got.
这样有助于让你忘记病痛
Caroline Channing.
卡洛琳·钱宁
That's so embarrassing.
太尴尬了
Could she say my name any louder?
她还能再大声点叫我名字吗
Caroline Channing!
卡洛琳·钱宁
I guess she could. Miss channing,
看来她能 钱宁小姐
now, you wrote here the reason for your visit
你这里写来看病的原因是
is an "uncomfortable sensation in your nether regions."
"私处有不舒服的感觉"
Could you be more specific?
你能说得更详细点吗
Is there a more private area
我们能去更私密处
we could discuss my private area?
讨论我的私密处吗
Oh, I'm sorry!
真是抱歉
Let me bring out my hot air balloon
让我把我的热气球拿出来
and we'll take a tour of the city...
我们边来一趟环市之旅
while we discuss your uncomfortable lady sensation.
边讨论你不舒服的女人"位"
Shirley, the only lady sensation
雪莉 我觉得这办公室
I'm seeing in this office is you.
唯一有女人"味"的就是你
Oh, well, I appreciate that, girl.
谢谢夸奖 妹子
I try to lighten the load with a little humor.
我试着用幽默感减轻工作负担
Well, I don't need the jokes. Thank you.
我不需要你的冷笑话 谢谢
Oh, they not for you. They for us.
笑话不是说给你听的 是我们自娱自乐的
I need to be tested for... herpes.
我是来做疱疹测试的
Girl, you sound like you're doing a perfume ad for herpes.
你的声音听起来就像在做疱疹香水广告
Just give her the phone.
把手机拿给她看
Well, this is either herpes
这要么是疱疹
or something I ain't never seen before.
要么就是我没见过的怪病
Now, the HSV 2 is not a standard pap.
单纯疱疹病毒2型不属于普通标准检测
注释：HSV 2感染者感染艾滋病危险增加1倍 生殖器疱疹
It is a specific blood test, and it is $250.
这是专门的血液检测 需要250块
Well, the only way I know how to get money for that test
我知道能在接下来一小时挣到钱的
in the next hour will probably give me an STD.
唯一办法会让我染上性病
Can we maybe work out a cheaper price?
或许我们可以讲讲价便宜点
We're waitresses nearby at the Williamsburg diner.
我们是附近威廉斯堡餐厅的服务员
I can give you free food for as long as I work there.
只要我在那上班一天 你来吃饭都不要钱
And now that I may have this, I mean, where else am I going?
如今我可能得这种病 我还能有什么出路
Blood test or denial?
验血还是否认
Blood test.
验血
I'll just ask Andy for a loan.
我去管安迪借钱好了
But it's actually more of a buy,
但这其实是照价赔偿
since he already ruined the property.
因为他毁坏了物业
Classic "you break it, you buy it."
经♥典的"损坏了就要赔偿"
Hey, Max.
麦克斯
Good to see you.
很高兴见到你
I hooked up with that guy once.
我跟这男的搞过一次
Um, do you know what he was here for
你知道他是来这是看什么病
and how long he's had it?
得病了多久吗
You know what, give me one of those sexual history forms.
算了 给我个过往性史表格吧
This sexual history list is hard.
这个性史名单太难填了
Can't it just be a top ten?
不能直接选个前十名吗
Well, Andy's not here yet.
安迪还没来
He's probably busy getting busy
他可能忙着周旋于
with his ragtag team of gutter skanks.
他那帮下♥贱反社会骚货吧
Gutter skanks"?
下♥贱反社会骚货""
Didn't I see them open for Cannibal Corpse?
她们不是最爱死亡金属乐队吗
Look, you need to relax.
你要放轻松
Why don't we just get a drink, or nine?
我们何不喝一杯 或连喝九杯
Two double Jack and Gingers.
两杯双份的杰克姜味鸡尾酒
Oh, yeah, Jack. Number 38.
对了 杰克 第38位
Oh, and that ginger. Number 39.
还有那位姜色头发男 第39位
Max, look, Jen from New Rochelle
麦克斯 瞧 新罗谢尔市的珍
put up a new update on WebMD.
在♥线上医生网站上更新状态了
She says her life has gotten so much better
她说在加入一个叫做"疱男疹女"网站后
after joining a site called "His and herpes."
她的人生比以前好多了
Hi, Andy. Have a seat.
安迪 请坐
Remember, you don't know that he gave it to you,
记住 你不知道是不是他传给你的
and you don't know that you have it, so be cool.
你也不知道你是否中招了 所以要淡定
Don't worry, Max, I got this.
别担心 麦克斯 我有分寸
And Andy, I got that!
安迪 我得病了
I thought it was annoying
我曾经认为
when people took pictures of their food.
人们拍下自己的食物挺讨人厌的
When were you gonna tell me, Andy?
你打算什么时候跟我说实话 安迪
When my vagina burst into flames
要等我的阴♥道瘙痒炙热
and became an actual burning bush?
转成怒火燎原的"森林"大火时吗
Wait, that's yours?
慢着 那是你那里吗
Worst selfie ever, right?
史上最烂的自♥拍照 对吗
Wow, I didn't recognize it.
我完全认不出来
Was it out in the sun?
是不是被太阳晒焦了
You owe me $250 for the blood test, Andy.
你欠我验血费250块 安迪
And $9 for that drink.
还有9块钱酒钱
Look, everybody just calm down.
你们俩先冷静下来
Andy, you may or may not have given her herpes.
安迪 你可能有或没有传染疱疹给她
She may or may not be overreacting.
她可能有或没有反应过度
I may or may not have slept with that bartender.
我可能有或没有睡过那位酒保
He is my type,
他虽然是我喜欢的型
and yet, he has a job, so he's not,
但他现在还有工作 所以应该没有
and he goes in the "Maybes."
那就把他归为"可能"那一类
Look, Caroline, I'm really sorry,
卡洛琳 真的很抱歉
but I am totally clean.
但我♥干净得很
Since we broke up, I have only had safe sex
分手之后 我只跟两个女人发生过安全性行为
with a special ed teacher and a dental hygienist.
一个是专科教师 一位是牙科清洁师
I mean, that job has "hygiene" right in the title.
她的工作名都有着"清洁"两个字了
Wait, oh, there were a couple of times
等等 是有那么几次
where I did have unsafe sex with myself.
我跟我的手有过危险性行为
But only when I couldn't sleep.
但只有在我睡不着的时候
And a lot of other times.
以及其他很多时候
I will go get tested tomorrow,
我明天就去做检测
but please, in the meantime,
但拜托 与此同时
try not to go to the worst case scenario.
不要总往最坏的情况想
I'm not going to the worst case scenario,
我没有往最坏的情况想
but if we both have it, no one else is going to want us,
但如果咱俩都中招了 那没人会要咱俩了
so we should just get married.
那我们只好结婚了
You gave me herpes, now you have to marry me."
你若传我疱疹 我必生死相依""
You want to save that gold for our wedding vows?
你想把这句金言当成我们的结婚誓词吗
Well, if you don't use it, I will.
如果你们不用 那给我用吧
I can't wait till tomorrow for my test results.
我现在就想知道测试结果 等不到明天了
I'm going to call the clinic.
我要打电话给诊所
You've left, like, ten messages.
你都留了10通留言了
You're acting like the clinic's crazy ex girlfriend.
你就像诊所的疯狂前女友
Well, I'm leaving another message.
我要再留一通留言
Hand me my phone.
把我手机给我
What?
干嘛
I have to stay healthy in case you have it.
万一你真中招了 我可不能病倒
Someone's got to pick up your welfare checks.
总得有人去帮你领福利救济金吧
Well, this is my life now.
这就是我现在的人生
Working at a diner with herpes.
身染疱疹 在一家不入流的餐馆工作
The very best I can ever hope to be
我仅剩的最大希望就是
is a mentor for a younger girl with herpes.
当一位身染疱疹的年轻姑娘的良师益友
Hi. Maybe you can help me.
你好 或许你可以帮我
Well, with that smile and my bad heart,
你的笑容配上我有病的心脏
I'll die trying.
我会拼死帮你的
I'm looking for the overly emotional girl
我是来找在这家餐厅工作的
that works here as a waitress.
一位过度情绪化的女服务员
Oh, my god! What are you doing here?
天啊 你来这里干什么
Am I dying? Are you the angel of death?
我要死了吗 你是带我走的死神吗
I think I found her.
我找到她了
Can we have a seat for a minute?
我们能坐下来聊一句吗
Max, Max, she wants to sit down.
麦克斯 她要坐下来谈
Come here and hold my hand.
快过来拉住我的手
Oh, I'll hold your hand after I find out what you have.
等知道结果后 我会拉住你的手的
No need to be all dramatic.
没必要这么小题大作
I just came to tell you that your blood test came
我是来告诉你 你的验血结果出来了
But I am not allowed to give you the results without a doctor.
但我不能在没有医生的情况下透露结果
You're not? No, I am not.
不可以吗 不可以
That's a neg a tive, a neg a tive.
绝对是不行不行[阴性 阴性]
Wait. Are you saying it's negative?
等等 你是说我没有得吗
I could not tell you that.
我可没有这么说
I also could not tell you that it was probably
我也不能告诉你不舒服可能是
an allergic reaction to soap or laundry detergent.
因为对肥皂或对洗衣粉过敏
Oh, my god! Max, it was that fabric softener ball
天啊 麦克斯 罪魁祸首是
from the "Under a dollar" Store.
不到一元店的衣物柔顺球
I'm not a cheap whore. I'm just poor.
我不是个廉价的妓♥女 我只是个穷鬼
Shirley, it was really cool of you to come all the way in,
雪莉 你人真好 还特意过来一趟
because we were really very upset,
因为我们刚才真的很沮丧
so upset that a caring medical professional like you
沮丧到像你这么专业有爱的医务人员
would probably help us out
很可能会给予我们某物[大♥麻]
with something for our anxiety or parties.
来缓解我们的焦虑 或让我们派对更尽兴
Nice try.
想得美
But I'm not here just out of the goodness of my heart.
但我来这里不是因为我心肠好
I'm here for my free fries.
我是来这里吃免♥费的薯条的
I'm starving.
我快饿死了
I haven't been able to eat since you showed me
自从看了你手机那张惨不忍睹的照片后
that phone picture of your bits and pieces.
我就没胃口吃过东西
Fries coming right up. And thank you so much.
薯条马上来 真是太谢谢你了
Oh, it's nice to give out good news.
给人们传递好消息的感觉真不错
What about you? When can I give you some good news?
你呢 我何时能给你带去好消息
I'll be in tomorrow, I'm just waiting
我明天就去 我在等
约翰·梅尔曾与安妮斯顿和水果姐谈恋爱
for a call back from John Mayer.
约翰·梅尔回我的电话
Hi, I'm looking for Han Lee.
你好 我来找李憨
Oh, that's the girl I set up Han with.
那是我要介绍给阿憨的女孩
No visible adam's apple. Go for it.
看不见有喉结 你可以上了
Oh, Max, she's very pretty.
麦克斯 她很漂亮
Are you sure she'll go for me?
你确定她会喜欢我吗
I think she might. Let's go say hi.
我觉得有可能哦 过去打个招呼吧
Hi, you must be Jen. Jen, this is Han.
你是珍吧 这位就是李憨
Han, this is Jen from New Rochelle.
阿憨 这位是新罗谢尔市的珍
Hi. Hello.
你好 你好
Jen from New Rochelle? Max, no! What?
新罗谢尔市的珍 不是吧 怎么了
It could just be a reaction to her laundry detergent.
她也可能只是对洗衣粉过敏而已啊
I'm clean! totally clean!
我没病 干净得很
Shirley was as surprised as I am.
雪莉跟我一样惊讶呢
Oh, Max, I'm so happy for you.
麦克斯 我真为你开心
Yep, I dodged a bullet, but from now on,
对啊 我躲过这一劫 但从今开始
I'm going to be a little more discerning.
我要变得更加小心谨慎
I'm not 13 anymore.
我不是13岁的花痴妹了
So I just texted Andy and told him it was a false alarm.
我刚发短信告诉安迪 这是虚惊一场
I didn't have it. What did he say?
我没有中招 他怎么说
He said, "hey, you up?"
他说"你还醒着呢"
But I'm definitely not gonna go.
但我肯定不会去他家的
Am I?
我会吗
All right, here's the thing.
好吧 我就直说吧
This is about something bigger than Andy.
这件事比安迪还重大
Actually, Andy's quite Oh, I know.
其实安迪蛮大... 我知道
Came out to get a drink of water.
我出来喝杯水
Saw it, loved it.
不小心看见 爱死了
Look, I'm going to keep this simple.
我就长话短说吧
You are using Andy to fill a hole.
你在利用安迪来填满你的空洞
Yes, Max, that's how sex works.
是啊 麦克斯 做♥爱不就是这样吗
Ever since the business closed,
自从小蛋糕店倒闭后
you've got all this free time,
你多出了很多空余时间
and you don't know what to do with yourself.
你不知道自己该干些什么
I hear you.
我懂你的意思
You're right, ever since the business closed,
你说得对 自从小蛋糕店倒闭后
I do have a huge hole. I know.
我的确有个大洞 我知道
Came out to get a drink of water.
出来喝水
Saw it, loved it.
不小心看见 爱死了
Max, I know we said we were gonna
麦克斯 我知道我们曾说过
do the cupcake business again,
总有一天会东山再起
but now we have to make it real.
但现在我们必须要付诸行动
I mean, I'm a businesswoman.
我是个商业女强人
I need to have a business, or apparently,
我得开店做生意 否则
I'm gonna put someone else's business into my business.
我会让别人的"生意"来入侵我的"店面"
So Max, tomorrow, we start again,
麦克斯 明天我们就开工
and this time, we have to give it our all.
这一次 我们一定要全力以赴
Clear vaginas, full hearts, can't lose.
洁净私处 全心全意 十拿九稳
Hey, girls.
姑娘们
I came down with a solution
我特意下来告诉你
to your herpes problem, Caroline.
我想到解决你疱疹的问题了 卡洛琳
Just don't tell anyone!
千万不要告诉任何人
Sophie, I don't have it. That's it!
苏菲 我没有疱疹 就是这样
That's the way to do it!
坚决抵死不认
Problem solved. All right, bye bye.
问题解决 好啦 再见啦