喜剧演讲家

Uhm... what's happening right now?
呃 这是干什么
Max, are you smoking crack?
Max 你在吸毒吗
It's not crack. It's lipstick. I can't afford crack.
这不是毒品 是支口红 我可买不起毒品
I'm at the end of my good lipstick and I can't afford
这支好口红就要用完了可我买不起新的
to buy a new one so I'm going all Breaking Bad.
所以我得来绝命毒师那一套
Breaking Bad?
绝命毒师
We're more like broke and sad.
我们比较像破产苦逼
You're freebasing lipstick and look,
你得加热精炼最后一点口红 而我
this heel is starting to wobble.
我的鞋跟都开始脱落了
Here, stick this in and hold it.
来吧 把这个塞进去 握住它
I swear I've said that before,
我觉得我好像说过这话
but I don't think it was about shoes.
不过那次跟鞋子没关系(黄暴了)
Yo, dollface. It's been ten minutes!
嘿 娃娃脸 我都等了十分钟了
His chowder, my spaghetti. Where's the food?
他点了杂烩浓汤 我点了意面 吃的在哪儿
Where's the food?
吃的在哪儿
Where's your neck?
那你的脖子在哪儿
I wasn't listening. I was looking at your boobs.
我没在听 我在看你的胸
Well, I do what I can but they'll never be
我费了不少功夫 可还是没法让胸长到
as big as yours.
你那么大
Pick up. Meatball.
上菜了 肉丸意面
Hey, hot stuff. Where's the hot stuff?
辣妹 我的热面在哪
Oh, Max. You were right.
喔 Max 你是对的
This heel is much more no.
现在鞋跟就稳 不
No, wait! No, it's not.
不 不要这样
It's gonna
我要
Those are the biggest balls those guys have had
这是他们打了类固醇之后
in their laps since they started steroids.
两腿之间有的最大的肉丸了
I can't believe you masking taped the shoe to your leg.
真不敢相信你用胶带把鞋捆在了腿上
I know but these are Christian Louboutins and
我也不想 但这是Christian Louboutins牌的
even all busted up like this they still have the classic red bottoms.
就算变成这样了 它们还是有着经♥典的红底
You know what else has red bottoms?
你知道还有什么东西有红底吗(bottom也指臀部)
Baboons.
狒狒
Walk around with a couple of them on your feet
有本事你穿一双狒狒走来走去
and I'm impressed.
我就承认你厉害
Well, at least now you can't see those stupid bows.
好吧 至少不用看到你鞋上那些蠢蝴蝶结了
Who put bows on their shoes? What's the gift?
谁会在鞋子上放蝴蝶结 是为了装饰什么礼物
Your stinky feet?
你的臭脚吗
You don't think I hate the bows?
你以为我喜欢这些蝴蝶结吗
I bought these as an impulse purchase over a year ago.
我一年前一时冲动买了这双
I didn't know I'd be shackled with them for eternity.
谁知道我得和它们拴在一起一辈子
Oh, Caroline.
噢 Caroline
I never noticed you had a club foot.
我以前不知道你有畸形足
I would have set you up with my brother.
要不我就把你介绍给我兄弟了
I broke my shoe in the diner.
我在餐馆把鞋弄坏了
Oh, I can help.
我可以帮你
I always carry my gym shoes in my bag.
我包里总装着一双健身用的鞋
I'm sorry they're so conservative
抱歉这双看起来比较保守
but the weight room is a real meat rack.
不过健身房里可都是肌肉男啊
Sophie, that's so sweet of you.
Sophie 你真好
But I still have one pair of my own shoes to wear.
不过我自己还有一双鞋能穿
Oh, well take them just in case.
没事 为了防万一你还是拿着吧
You should take them.
你应该收下
You'll make $20 just walking to work.
上班路上你都能赚到20美元(穿了像脱衣舞娘)
And some of your mail got mixed in with mine.
你们的信错混到我这儿了
This is like the third time that mail lady did that.
这都是那个邮差第三次送错了
All right. Nighty night.
好了 晚安安哦
Max, you will not believe what just came addressed to you.
Max 你不会相信什么寄到你这来了
Let me explain. I'm not a scientologist.
我得说 我可不是山达基教徒(科学论派)
I just went that one time because I heard
我只去过一次 因为我听说
some rich guy was looking for a wife.
有富豪想找个老婆
No, we've been pre approved for a credit card.
不是 我们有了张被预先核准的信用卡
What?
什么
How the hell did we get pre approved?
我们居然能得到核准
It says all we have to do is go online and apply
这上面说我们只需要上网申请
and we can be approved in under two minutes.
然后两分钟就能马上获得通过
Slow down, Quasimodo. I can't have a credit card.
冷静 钟楼怪人 我可不能申请信用卡
Someone gave me a bag of Chips Ahoy! Cookies once
有人给过我一包趣多多饼干
and I ate the entire thing without breathing.
然后我一口气全部吃完了 不带喘气儿的
Well, you're not a child any more.
你已经不是孩子了
You have more discipline.
你能约束自己
The cookies were yesterday.
就是昨天发生的事
Okay, what is that thing? What is that spinning wheel?
那是什么 那个旋转的圈圈
It's just processing our application.
这只是在处理我们的申请
No, it's not.
才不是
It's finding out everything about us.
它是在检查我们所有的信息
Now it's finding out your dad stole millions of dollars.
现在它发现了你爸的巨额诈骗案
Now it's finding out I got fired from eight Dairy Queens.
现在它又会发现我被八家DQ辞退了
Now it's finding out why I got fired from eight Dairy Queens.
现在它又发现了我被八家DQ辞退的原因
Oh, my God. Max, we're approved.
噢 天啊 Max 我们获得了批准
We've just been approved.
我们被批准了
What? What is wrong with them? Does Dairy Queen report nothing?
什么 他们有什么毛病 难道DQ没举报我咩
Get back on there and disapprove us.
快退回去然后驳回我们的申请
Okay. Calm down.
好了 冷静
We need this card for our business.
我们的事业需要这张卡
All we have to do is communicate with each other
我们唯一要做的就是跟对方商量
about every purchase, you know?
每一单购买 好吗
Keep an open dialogue.
开诚布公
So, opening dialogue. For our business,
那么 开诚布公地说 为了我们的事业
LouboutinsI would like a pair of Louboutins.
我得买一双Louboutin
Opening dialogue. No.
开诚布公地说 不行
And I felt stupid miming that. I hate the arts.
而且我觉得打手势蠢毙了 我讨厌哑剧
Look, you can't get everything you want.
听着 你不能想买什么就买什么
I would like a box of lizards.
我还想买一盒蜥蜴呢
Love lizards, always have,
我一直都很喜欢蜥蜴
but you don't see me putting that on a credit card.
但我可没有刷卡买蜥蜴
I need a new pair of shoes for business meetings.
我需要一双新鞋来参加商务会议
You know what they say,
俗话说得好
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have.
不要为你的现职 而要为你的梦想而穿衣
Okay, fine.
够了 好吧
If you're getting the shoes, then I'm getting what I want.
如果你要买鞋的话 那我也要买我想要的东西
I hope you're happy with an apartment
希望你会喜欢
full of lizards and lipstick.
公寓里塞满蜥蜴和口红
Also, some of those lizards will be wearing lipstick.
还有 其中一些蜥蜴会擦着口红
Earl, you are looking particularly gorgeous this evening.
Earl 你今晚看上去真是特别帅气
Well, I would say, Don't flatter me
好吧 我本会说 别拍我马屁
but let's face it.
但是不得不承认
Everything came together tonight.
我今晚就是那么有腔调
Is it another woman? Should I be filled with anger?
是因为另一个女人吗 我应该满腔怒火吗
I mean, more than I usually am?
我是说 比我平时更怒一点
I just want to look nice for my son when he comes in.
我只是想在我儿子来时看上去体面一些
What? No way, I'm going to meet your kid?
啥 不会吧 我要见到你的孩子了
Well, one of them.
其中一个
One of them? How many do you have?
其中一个 你有多少个
So far?
目前为止吗
Oh, Earl, I love you.
噢 Earl 爱死你了
This is my son, Darius.
这是我儿子 Darius
He's the number one Chrysler salesman
他是底特律克莱斯勒汽车的头牌销售
in all of Detroit, and he's my very favorite,
也是我最爱的孩子
if he's the one I'm thinking of.
如果他是我想的那一个的话
Excuse me, but aren't you Max of Max's Homemade Cupcakes?
打扰了 你是Max私房蛋糕的Max吗
Earl, look.
Earl 你看
Our credit card came in the mail today.
我们的信用卡今天寄到了
Max Black See?
看到没 Max Black.
No more using the card I found at Six Flags.
不用再用我在Six Flags乐园里捡到的卡了
Thank you for never checking your statement, Agnes Chin.
感谢你从来不查你的账目清单Agnes Chin(Max捡到的卡主)
Girls, take my advice
姑娘们 听我一句劝
and be very careful with that thing.
要小心用那东西啊
Credit cards are more trouble than a priest at a Wiggles concert.
信用卡比Wiggles(幼儿向节目)音乐会上的牧师更麻烦
Earl Yes,
Earl. 知道了
I can't believe it. A credit card for our business.
我不敢相信 一张办公用的信用卡
So when are we getting the shoes and lizards?
咱们什么时候去买鞋和蜥蜴
Max, remember.
Max 记住
We have to be grown ups about this.
这件事上我们必须成熟一点
Of course.
当然了
Two lizards, please. No, make it three.
请给我两只蜥蜴 等等 要三只吧
Hi, I'm looking for Earl.
嗨 我在找Earl
And no, I'm not here to return a bag of skunky weed.
我不是来还那袋臭了的大♥麻的
Oh, my God. I'm so excited to see you.
哦 天哪 见到你太开心了
Come on in, I'll take really, really good care of you.
快进来 我会把你照顾的很周到 很周到的
Oh, you need to know I just separated from my wife,
噢 你要知道我刚刚和我老婆分开了
so I'm a little vulnerable.
所以我的情感有点脆弱
She's not usually this nice to customers.
她一般不对客人这么好的
She's just excited.
她只是太兴奋了
She's about to come into some lizards.
她就要养蜥蜴了(那啥蜥蜴了)
Yeah, again.
好吧 还是那句话
I've been out the dating pool for a while,
我很久没有约会了
so everything sound like a sexual innuendo to me.
所以我听着每句话都像性暗示
He is not a customer. Look at him.
他不是个客人 你看看他
Don't you see the resemblance?
你没看到相似之处吗
Oh, my God is he your father?
呃 我的天难道他是你老爸
Yes. He's my father.
没错 他是我老爸
And my mother is a piece of chalk.
我妈是一只粉笔(那也生不出Max那么白)
Daddy!
爹呀
Thank God, it is the one I thought.
谢天谢地 是我想的那一个
There's my little boy!
儿子喂
So, Darius, what was Earl like as a dad?
那么 Darius Earl做爸爸是什么样子的
It must have been great, huh?
那肯定很棒 是不
I bet he packed the coolest lunches.
我打赌他做的便当是最酷的
A joint for recess, and a gin and juice box.
一卷大♥麻烟 一瓶杜松子酒和果汁盒子
Oh, yeah, yeah. He was a great dad.
噢 是的 没错 他是个好爸爸
I mean, he was always there. Except for my childhood.
我是说他总是陪在我身边 除了我的童年
You've gotta laugh!
怎么能不笑
Earl is sitting right there.
Earl就坐在那儿呢
Well, it's a joke. Take it easy there, fun size.
好吧 开玩笑而已 别那么紧张 三头身
Han, take no offense.
Han 无意冒犯
He's just pulling your leg a little.
他只是在小耍耍你罢了
Darius has always been funny.
Darius一直很幽默
Why am I thinking about Terrence?
为什么我想到了Terrence
I don't know. I'm the funny one, Dad.
我不知道 我就是搞笑的那个 爹
I don't recall there being a Terrence in our family,
我不记得我们家有叫Terrence的
but then again, I don't know how far you've thrown your seed.
不过还是那句话 我不知道你的种子撒的有多远
You've gotta laugh.
怎么能不笑
Do you?
你确定
Darius was voted the funniest salesmanip.
Darius在克莱斯勒经销商
at the Chrysler dealership.
被选为最搞笑的销售员
Yes, I was. And that's why I quit my job.
没错 那就是我为什么辞了工作
To pursue my dream to become a comedian.
追求梦想成为一名谐星
See? See, he's funny.
看到没 看到没 他很搞笑
Always making jokes.
总是说笑话
That's not a joke, Daddy.
老爸 那不是笑话
No, no, that's why I'm in town.
不 不 那是我在城里的原因
To audition at the comedy club tomorrow night.
在明晚的喜剧俱乐部试演
I already got my stage name.
我连艺名都取好了
Darius The Hilarious.
Darius(押韵)滑稽的
I think it's a good choice, right?
选的不错吧 是不
Is it?
你确定
Well, obviously, Big D, we will all be there to support you.
好吧 很明显 大D 我们都会去支持你的
Will we?
我们确定
Hold up, Darius. How did all of this happen?
等等Darius 这都是怎么发生的
Well, I mean, I knew a guy at Cadillac
我在凯迪拉克那儿认识了个人
who knew a guy at Toyota who knew a guy at Subaru
那人认识一个丰田代理 丰田代理认识一个斯巴鲁代理
who sold the club owner a Dodge.
那个斯巴鲁代理卖给俱乐部老板一部道奇车
And then he hit a kid with it.
然后老板开着道奇撞了个孩子
The kid should have dodged.
那孩子本来应该躲开的(多义词)
You gotta laugh!
怎么能不笑
There's a dead kid in the mix and we got to laugh?
有个孩子在混乱中丧生了 我们还得笑
It's not his fault he's not funny.
他不幽默不能怪他
We put his sense of humor on a high shelf.
我们把他的幽默感放在了高架子上 他够不着
Hey, Max, you know,
嘿 Max 你知道吗
Daddy always told me you were special,
老爸总是告诉我你很特别
and now I see it.
现在我明白了
And it's not just because you think everything I say is funny.
不是因为我说什么你都觉得好笑
You feel like family.
而是你感觉像一家人
I do? Oh, I always wanted a brother...
是吗 我总是想要个兄弟
Who was a brother.
还是个黑人兄弟(多义)
Max, do you expect me to wait on all the tables tonight?
Max 你是想我一个人把今晚所有的客人都照顾到吗
Well, I am kind of in the middle of
我现在正沉浸在
my family reunion right now.
家庭团聚的氛围里
And where is Mr. Hilarious' soup?
还有滑稽先生的汤在哪儿呢
Look at blondie, here. She's like,
看这个金发妞儿 她的样子好像在说
Oh my God, do black people even eat soup?
天啊 黑人还要喝汤啊
It's like, whatever.
就像是 随便啦
Caroline嘛That is a dead on Caroline.
那完全就是
Is it?
你确定
Here is your order ticket from tonight.
这些单子是今晚收到的
This pile is for the people who found hair.
这堆单子是发现头发的客人
These are the hairs that the people found.
这是那些人找到的头发
Oh, you sound Russian.
噢 你听起来像是俄国人
That's funny because you're not rushin' to make my soup.
这很有意思 因为你没赶紧(谐音)去帮我做汤啊
No, no, no, no. I'm kidding you, man.
没有 没有 我跟你开玩笑的 兄弟
I get it. You're just too busy back there
我懂的 你只是在厨房太忙了
not putting on deodorant.
忙得忘了喷除臭剂
You gotta laugh.
怎么能不笑
Do you?
你确定
Max, I might be crazy but now I feel like
Max 可能是我有点神经质
the heel of this shoe's starting to
但是我觉得这鞋跟有点
Oh, gosh. Now I got to go wipe this down.
噢 天啊 我得去擦下这个了
You know, I was going to wear this for my audition.
我本来打算穿着这个去试演的
And that's gotta go well.
那应该很不错的
Yes, it does. Because son,
必须不错 因为 儿子啊
there are two jobs in Detroit, and you just quit one of them.
你在底特律只有两份工作 而你刚辞了一份(底特律就业率低下)
Don't worry, Daddy. I'll make you proud.
别着急 老爸 我会让你骄傲的
All right? You'll see.
好吧 你会看到的
Daddy's been wrong before.
老爸之前也错了
He didn't think I could make it on Soul Train,
他认为我没法在灵魂列车(黑人歌舞秀)上表演
but there I was,
但是我做到了
in the bottom left corner on Soul Train.
在灵魂列车的左边角落
I feel so terrible.
我很不好受
Well, you know we have to buy him a new shirt.
没事 我们给他买件新衬衫就好
Max, I've made seven dollars so far.
Max 这一会儿我才赚到7美元
We can't afford to buy him a shirt.
我们没钱给他买衣服
We can go shopping for a reasonable shirt.
我们可以给他买件便宜的衣服
We have to. He's family.
必须的 他是的家里人啊
Is he?
你确定
And I have to say, I don't like that brand of put down humor.
而且我不得不说下 我欣赏不了他的贬低式幽默
And that blonde stereotype?
还有他对金发妞儿的成见
I mean, I don't even say Whatever.
我根本没说过 随便啦 这个词
But, you know, it's fine. Whatever.
但是 你懂的 算了 随便啦
Max, slow down.
Max 走慢点
I can't walk any faster in Sophie's giant sneakers.
穿着Sophie的巨型运动鞋我走不快
I can't believe she benches 250 in these.
我不能相信她一百多公斤的体重压在这上
Oh, my God.
天啊
My hand just touched the subway floor.
我的手刚才摸到了地铁地面了
How do I know someone didn't pee here?
我怎么知道这儿没人撒过尿呢
Oh, honey, I've peed here.
噢 甜心儿 我在这儿尿过
This is New York. It's made of pee.
这儿是纽约 是尿建成的
And pee hand is what you get for refusing to wear flat shoes.
还有 你自己拒绝穿平底鞋 所以才会满手尿
No way.
这没门
I'm living so close to the gutter as it is.
我住的已经离贫民窟那么近
I can't risk being any shorter.
我不能再矮了
Here's where we're meeting Darius.
这就是我们和Darius约好的地方
Subway Style.
地铁风采
Every time I walk by this place I wonder
每次我走到这儿都不由得想
Who would ever shop here?
谁会在这儿买东西
Now I know us.
现在我知道了 我们
First my heel breaks,
先是我的鞋跟断了
and now I'm shopping underground.
然后现在我得在地下商场买东西
How much lower can I get?
我还能到多低
Brunch on the earth's core?
在地核吃早午餐
Mmm, oh. Excuse my mouthful.
嗯 噢 不好意思我满嘴吃的
Mm, I wasn't expecting ladies.
我没期望有女士光临
We usually just sell to pimps and pastors.
我们这儿通常只有皮条客和牧师光临
What can I help you dolls with?
美女们 有什么可以帮你们的
Actually, we're just here meeting a friend.
实际上 我们只是在这儿见个朋友而已
We're going to help him pick out a shirt.
我们要帮他选件衬衫
Oh, that guy?
噢 那个家伙吗
He's already in the dressing room trying one on now.
他已经在试衣间 正试着一件了
Now, listen, if the price is too high,
听着 如果觉得价格太高
you and I can, uh, negotiate.
你和我可以 呃 协商下
Or you.
你也成
I still can't believe we're using our tip money
我还是不敢相信我们要用我们自己的小费
to buy him a shirt.
给他买件衬衫
We're only going to spend like $40.
我们只需花40元
And you heard the man. It can go down.
而且你也听那人讲了 价格还能低
If you go down.
如果你跪下(口那啥)
Oh, hey ladies. There you are.
姑娘们 你们来啦
Look, I switched it up a little bit.
看看 我小小变了下风格
Do you like me in pink?
穿粉红色怎么样
My boyfriend does.
我男朋友说不错(基佬笑话)
He says it makes my cheeks look rosy, all four of them.
他说把我面颊映衬成了玫瑰色 四个都是(加屁♥股两个)
You gotta laugh, you gotta laugh!
怎么能不笑 怎么能不笑
Darius, we're family, so I'm just going to tell you like it is.
Darius 我们是家人 所以我要实话实说
That material feels a little funky.
你的选题都略神奇
I mean, that kind of humor might have worked over at Toyota
这种笑话在丰田也许挺好
It's Chrysler. Whatever.
是克莱斯勒 随便啦
But this is New York. There are a lot of people,
可这是在纽约 这有很多
be them gays, or blondes, who might take offense to that.
同性恋 或者金发 他们可能会觉得很冒犯
I mean, I don't, but, whatever.
虽然我没有 但 随便啦
Oh, no, no, no. I was just playing.
哦不不 这只是说笑的
That's not the kind of stuff I'm gonna do in my act tonight.
我晚上的表演才不会讲这些呢
No, I wrote some real jokes with a comic back home.
我在家和一个谐星朋友写了些真的段子
And, he's Jewish, so you know it's gonna be funny.
他是犹太人 你都能想到会有多好笑了
And not cheap.
还不低俗的
Again, see? That's the kind of stuff...
又来了不是 就是这种的
Caroline, come on. It's so wrong it's right.
Caroline 别介啊 越这样越好笑嘞
Look, I have the jokes right here.
我这里就有几个
Let's take them on a little test drive and see how they do.
让咱先来个试驾看看效果
All right? So back it up, ladies.
好不 退开点 姑娘们
You going to need some laughing room.
你们得留点笑地儿(谐音起居室)
This is going to be hilarious.
这肯定会超好笑的
Anybody here have a smart Car?
有人买了精灵牌(义聪明)车吗
Because I don't think it's smart to drive half a car.
我可不觉得开半辆车很聪明啊
That was new, I'll keep working on it.
这是新的 我还得好好想想
All right, let's try another one.
再来试试别的
You know what, maybe we weren't back far enough.
也许是我们退得不够远
Yeah!
耶
Yeah, that feels funnier already, right Caroline?
这已经感觉很好笑了 是不Caroline
All right.
好吧
You know who doesn't drive a smart Car?
你知道谁不开精灵车吗
smart people. They don't do it.
聪明的人 他们不开
You gotta laugh.
怎么能不笑
Seriously.
真的
You've got to. I've got a lot riding on this.
这一定得好笑 我就指着它了
I just got it.
我才想明白
Oh, my God. He stinks.
救命 他死定了
He stinks on ice. Darius is gonna bomb tonight
他会死了又死 Darius今晚要丢脸了
and worse, he's going to bomb in front of Earl.
而且还得在Earl面前丢脸
And Earl's pretty sure that's the son he's most proud of.
Earl还挺确信他就是他最骄傲的一个呢
You're right. What are we gonna do?
你是对的 我们要怎么办
Now I know you lovely ladies came in for a shirt,
我知道你们两位是来买衬衫的
but can I interest you in a nice suit?
但请让我为您推荐一套西装
Look at this one. It's a classic.
这套真是经♥典
You can't get this color above ground.
地上都没有这个颜色
That's it. Darius needs a suit.
这就是了 Darius需要一套西装
All the professional comedians wear suits,
所有的专业谐星都穿西装
and like you said,
你不是还说了吗
you have to dress for the job you want.
要为你的梦想而穿衣
And with jokes like that,
段子烂成那样
he needs the funniest suit they have.
他一定得穿上这儿最搞笑的衣服
Do you have anything from the Sinbad collection?
你们有Sinbad(谐星)系列的衣服吗
I do.
还真有
Max, I don't think the suit's gonna be enough.
Max我不认为这就够了
I think he needs something else, you know, like, a puppet.
还得加点什么 像 布偶
A puppet?
布偶
That's exactly what he needs.
你说的太特么对了
I went out with a guy last night.
昨儿我跟个男约会
AA制Asked me if we could go Dutch.
他问我们能不能
I said, I don't know.
我说 行啊
AA制吧What's Dutch for cheap ass bitch?
你找便宜婊♥子
You kick him to the curb!
你正中他死穴啊
We'll be right back,
我们一会儿回来
because Mama's gotta go put her feet up.
老娘得歇歇脚了
Uh, miss?
服务员
Can we get another round when you get a chance?
一会儿有空再帮我们送一轮酒呗
Another round?
再一轮
And keep them coming until we can no longer see.
我们倒下之前就不断地来吧
Put it on my card.
帐记在卡上
You got it.
哦了
Man, that feels good every time.
每次刷卡都感觉那么爽
Hey, Max. Just because you're buying me drinks
Max 别你为你请我喝酒
doesn't mean I'm going to put out.
我就会跟你滚床
My celery stick is my microphone at the comedy club!
我的芹菜梗就是我舞台的麦克风
I'm here, I'm here.
我来了 我来了
Did you get the puppet?
你搞到布偶了吗
Oh, I've got the puppet.
当然搞到了
Hey, come on in.
进来
Hey, girls. How you doing?
姑娘们 咋样
Darius The Hilarious is pumped.
滑稽的Darius准备好啦
I'm totally in my zone right now.
我把握十足啊
And I can't miss in this suit.
而且穿着这西装不可能失败
Well...
好吧
Darius, that's what we wanted to talk to you about.
Darius我们有件事要跟你说
You know we're big fans. Big, big fans.
你知道我们都是你的粉丝 超级 脑缠粉
You're amazing, your act's incredible.
你超棒 你的表演太牛逼了
Your Darius The Hilarious.
你就是Darius 最滑稽的
Max and I love the smart Car stuff.
我们都很喜欢精灵车那段
It's hilarious, per your name.
那超好笑 就像你名字一样
But, well, it is New York.
但是 这是在纽约
Not a lot of people are smart, or have cars.
不是很多人都聪明 或者有车
Yeah, you know New York.
这是纽约嘛
Not exactly the cutting edge.
又不失时尚前沿
So, after Max and I left you, we had a thought.
离开你之后 我们想到了个主意
We got you a puppet.
我们给你搞了个布偶
CarolineAnd, yes, I was stoned. But Caroline was laughing
是的 我是笑到不行 而且
just as hard as me.
也跟我一样
You got me a what?
你们搞了个什么
A puppet. We got you a puppet.
布偶 给你搞了个布偶
But I don't use a puppet.
但我不用布偶
Until you do.
直到你开始用
Just imagine, at the end of your act
想象一下 在你表演的结束
or in the beginning... Or all the way through.
或者开头 或者全场
DariusLadies and gentlemen, Darius The Hilarious
女士们先生吗 滑稽的
and his partner, Justin Beaver!
和他的搭档 海狸比伯(恶搞贾斯汀比伯)
Damn, girl. And I mean dam.
该死的 妹子 我意思是水坝(谐音)
As in, I built one.
我建了一个哦
And you don't even have to be funny because
你都不需要自己去搞笑
Justin Beaver does the work for you.
因为海狸比伯都替你搞定了
Show him, Max.
做给他看Max
I'm straight.
我是直男
You gotta laugh!
怎么能不笑
Do I?
你确定
I mean, honestly?
我说 真的假的
Making fun of Justin beaver's Sexuality?
用海狸比伯的性取向做笑料
I find that a tad offensive.
我觉得这很冒犯人啊
This next act comes to us from the Motor City.
接下来是来自汽车之城的表演
Darius先生Please give it up for Mr. Darius The Hilarious.
掌声欢迎 滑稽的
All right. How's everybody doing tonight?
大家今晚开心吗
Who out there has a smart Car?
有人买了精灵牌汽车吗
Because I don't think it's smart to drive a half a car.
我可觉得买个半辆车一点都不聪明
You gotta laugh.
怎么能不笑
Oh, no. I ran out of fake laughter.
不行了 我的假笑用完了
Yeah, I mean, smart Car.
没错 我说 精灵汽车
Have you seen this thing?
你们见过那玩意儿吗
It's like you driving around in a backpack.
就好像你坐在一个背包里开车兜风
You gotta laugh.
怎么能不笑
Do we?
你确定
Why don't we have a smart Car write some jokes for you?
为什么我们不让聪明的汽车来替你写点笑话呢
Yeah, well, I can see why you would defend the smart Car.
好吧 我知道你为啥维护精灵车
It's the only car your feet can reach the pedals in.
那是你的脚唯一能够到踏板的车
Yeah, but that's so true. He's very short!
没错 太真♥相了 他太矮了
As is the car. It all lines up.
就跟车一样高 排整齐了哦
Look at this gray haired scrub, man.
看那个灰头发的大爷 伙计
Apparently black do crack.
很明显黑人听懂了
Hey, Don King called.
嘿 Don King打电话来(著名拳击经纪人)
Said he want his whole head back.
说他想要回他的头
Max, look. Look how proud Earl is.
Max你看呐 看Earl多自豪啊
Hey, hey, hey, blondie.
嘿 嘿 嘿 金发妞儿
You mind not talking until I finish?
你介意我说完再张嘴吗
Wait, a minute. You're probably just thinking,
等一下 你可能正在想
Oh, my God. Shoes, shoes, hairbrush, shoes.
我的天呐 鞋 鞋 梳子 鞋
Oh, my God.
我的天呐
I actually was thinking about shoes!
我刚才真的在想鞋
I'm sorry, there's a problem with your card.
不好意思 您的卡有点问题
It's been declined.
它被拒绝了
Max
Max
Darius told me what you did and that was awful nice of you.
Darius告诉我你为他做的事 太贴心了
Now, here. I am reimbursing you
给你 我把你买那些衣服
for all of the clothes and for that damn puppet.
和傻布偶的钱还给你
Although I swore I would never pay for beaver.
虽然我发誓我永远不会为海狸买单
EarlDo you think he'll ever make it, Earl?
你有没有想过他会成功
MaxWho's to say nowadays, Max?
如今的事儿谁说的准呢
America's Got Talent. Do they?
美国有达人啊 这不是很确定的事嘛
All I know is he's my kid, and you went out of your way
我只知道 他是我的孩子 你竭尽全力
to try and help him.
去尝试 去帮助他
Well, I just wanted you to be proud.
我只是希望你能为他感到自豪
I am, Max. Very proud.
的确 Max 很自豪
I just talked to Visa.
我刚才和信用卡中心谈过了
I think they were disappointed they had pre approved us.
我觉得他们为自己让我们预通过而郁闷死了
Look, I killed it. I had to.
看 我把它杀了 我必须那么做
It was telling me to buy a Harley.
它怂恿我去买一部哈雷机车
Okay, open dialogue.
好吧 开诚布公地说
I used the credit card for one more thing yesterday.
我昨天用信用卡还买了一样东西
Open dialogue. So did I.
开诚布公地说 我也是
It's the fanciest lipstick Payless had.
这是折扣店最好的口红了
Aw. And here.
噢 给你
Max, are there lizards in that bag?
Max 袋子里不会是蜥蜴吧
I wish.
我倒是想
They're as good as new and no bows.
它们和新的一样 还把蝴蝶结拿掉了
Max, where'd you find a cobbler?
Max 你哪儿找的鞋匠啊
A cobbler?
鞋匠
I took a time machine.
我坐时光机找的
I was supposed to kill Hitler,
我本来要去刺杀希特勒的
but I thought your shoes were more important.
不过我想你的鞋更重要一点
Okay, let's cut up your card.
好吧 让我们把你的卡咔嚓了
We should keep one for business emergencies.
我们应该留一张应对生意上的紧急事♥件
We just have to have to put it someplace where
我们只需要把它放在
we'll never be tempted to reach for it.
我们永远不会去拿的地方
Oleg, would you put this down your pants?
Oleg 能把这个放在你内♥裤里吗
No problem.
没问题