凯若琳的约会

What are you doing back so early?
你怎么回来得这么早
Did chestnut forget his wallet?
栗宝忘了带钱包了吗
No, we saw that cat we don't like.
不是 我们看见不喜欢的那只猫
I tried to spray it with a water bottle,
我试着用水瓶喷水吓唬它
but it just laughed at us, so we ran.
但它不屑一笑 我们只好落荒而逃
What are you doing out here?
你在外面干嘛
Enjoying the day.
享受美好时光啊
The coming of autumn is my favorite time of year.
即将到来的秋天 是我一年中最爱的时节
I love the leaves.
我爱死落叶了
Oh, gross! A condom!
恶心死了 居然有避孕套
Wow, I guess autumn really is coming.
哇 我想秋天真的"来了"
Who would throw that over our wall?
谁会把这玩意从墙外扔进来
That cat.
那只臭猫
What? He's not only arrogant,
干嘛 他不但傲慢嚣张
he wants us to know he has sex.
还想让我们知道 他也有性生活
All I know is, if I had nine lives,
我只知道 如果我有九条命
I wouldn't wear a condom.
我才不会戴套呢
Hey, you know, we should start figuring out
我们应该开始想想
what to do with chestnut this winter,
这个冬天怎么安置栗宝
now that it's already peak condom dropping season.
现在已经到了乱扔避孕套的高峰时节
You're right, chestnut is the most important thing.
你说得对 栗宝是最重要的事情
But more importantly, what do you think
但更重要的是 你觉得
Of this vintage sweater I chose for my date with Andy?
我为今天约会特意选择的毛衣如何啊
It's nice.
还不错
But won't it be hard to pull off over your head in the cab?
但激♥情时 这衣服在计程车里难脱吧
I'm assuming you'll do it in a cab.
我假设你们会在计程车里开搞
Max, it's a first date. That's not appropriate.
麦克斯 我们才第一次约会 不合适吧
Is it?
会吗
I mean, I've never dated poor.
我从来没跟穷人约过会
What is acceptable on a first date?
初次约会那些事是可以接受的啊
Well, I'm pretty classy, so anal?
我很优雅的 肛♥交吧
I'm not that poor.
我还没穷到那个地步
Well, you better give him something to keep him interested
你最好给他点甜头 留住他
because he owns a candy store,
因为那家伙有一家糖果店
and I want free candy forever.
而老娘想一辈子都有免♥费糖果吃
There he is.
他来了
Can you bring him out in the yard,
你能把他带到后院吗
so he can see me in my sweater next to my horse?
让他看到我穿着这身站在我的马旁
Okay, freak.
没问题 怪人
But next time a guy comes knocking for me,
不过下次有男人敲门找我
you have to take him to my bedroom,
你要把他带进我的卧室
so he can see me in my slayer shirt
好让他看见我穿着杀手乐队t恤
next to my glo worm filled with pot.
躺在我塞满大♥麻的虫虫公仔旁边
Hello, sir, I'm here to pick up your daughter.
你好 先生 我是来接您女儿的
And what exactly are your intentions?
你要接她去干嘛
I don't know.
不知道
Maybe take her on a romantic hayride,
或许带她去来一次浪漫的夜游
k'nock her out with chloroform,
然后用氯仿弄晕她
iPadand sell her kidney for a new iPad.
拿她的肾脏卖钱买新
Son!
好小伙啊
Come outside.
来后院吧
Miss Channing wants you to see her looking like the girl
钱宁小♥姐想让自己看起来像是
who got cut from the J.Crew catalog for being too white.
因肤色过白 而被踢出白人购物目录的女模特
Miss Channing? Max, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait.
钱宁小♥姐 麦克斯 慢着
Caroline is Caroline Channing Caroline Channing?
卡洛琳就是那个卡洛琳·钱宁吗
Yeah, she used to be a billionaire,
对啊 她以前是个亿万千金
but now all her money is in here.
但现在她所有的钱都在这里
Oh, wait, some of these are buttons.
不对 里面有些是纽扣
Oh. Okay.
好吧
Yeah, I just thought she was a regular Williamsburg girl.
我还以为她只是一个普通的威廉斯堡姑娘
No. She doesn't try that hard.
不 她还没这么堕落
And I was wrong.
看来我低估了她
Oh, hi. I didn't hear you knock.
你好啊 刚没听到你敲门
Well, you two have a good time.
你们俩好好玩
And, young man, if you don't swing by your store
年轻人 如果你不顺便从你的店
and bring me some pixie sticks,
给我带点精灵糖条
you'll never see my little girl again.
下次就别想再见到我乖女儿
Way ahead of you.
早想到了
Yes!
太棒了
Yeah, definitely anal.
没错 绝对要肛♥交
Oh, baby.
小宝贝
look who's a half hour late for work.
瞧瞧是谁上班迟到了半小时
Must have been a pretty hot date with the candy man.
想必是跟糖果男约会得太火热哦
So did you touch his whatchamacallit?
你有碰到他"那话儿"吗
Did you bring him to almond joy?
他有碰到你的"杏仁尖"吗
His butterfingers got nowhere near my mounds.
他的黄油糖指就没接近过我的"投手丘"
Now, if we could be adults for a second
我们可以像成年人说话了吗
Well, your mounds are more like sno caps,
你的"投手丘"更像是"锥子糖"
but continue.
不过继续说
Well, nothing happened.
什么都没有发生
Even after four hours of me breathing heavily and saying...
甚至在我连续四小时呼吸急促地说
I'm having a really good time"
我真的玩得很开心哦""
Look, I don't want to be this girl, but I think
我真的不想说这种话 但我觉得
think he might be gay.
他可能是同性恋
He's gay because he's not turned on
就因为你连续四小时的口臭攻势
by four hours of coffee breath?
没有挑逗成功 他就是同性恋吗
What's up?
怎么了
I'm having a really good time.
我真的玩得很开心哦
I must go to the men's room right now.
我得立刻去一趟洗手间了
That proves nothing.
那完全不代表什么
Oleg is always looking for an excuse to put it somewhere.
奥列格总是在找理由来"乱插"
Why do you think we don't serve bagels anymore?
不然我们也不用停止供应面包"圈"了
Andy is not gay.
安迪不是同性恋
And I'm not just setting you up for a life of confusing,
我不会为了免♥费的糖果 就把你推入
self questioning non sex for the free candy,
一辈子只有迷惑质疑 而无性生活的火坑
although that does sound like me.
虽然很像我会干的事
He is really into you.
他真的对你很感兴趣
He might be into me,
他可能是对我感兴趣
but he doesn't seem to want to get into me.
但他似乎对我完全不感"性趣"
Maybe he just wants me as a friend.
或许他只想跟我做朋友
No way.
不可能
You are, like, 80 pounds and a coke addiction shy
等你再胖36公斤 并有羞于承认的可乐瘾
注释：同性恋常有肥胖的女性朋友
from being qualified to be a gay guy's female friend.
你才有可能当上基佬的女性朋友
What's so important you two have to be in here
什么事这么重要 你们俩得像学♥生♥妹一样
gabbing like schoolgirls when there are customers waiting?
在里面闲聊 而不去招呼客人
If you must know,
如果你非要知道的话
Caroline and I were discussing if someone we know is gay.
我们在讨论一个朋友是不是同性恋
I once had a homosexual experience in college.
我在大学时有过一回同性恋的经验
With another girl?
跟小姑娘搞拉拉情吗
No, there was a boy who was interested in me.
不 当时有个男生对我感兴趣
He was captain of the football team.
他是足球队的队长
He would come to my dorm room
他会来我的宿舍
and ask me to do his homework,
让我帮他写作业
and then he would leave.
写完他就走了
Oh. Never mind.
算了 当我没说
I never had a homosexual experience.
我没有同性恋经验
Keep wearing those sweaters, Han.
阿憨呀 继续穿你的毛背心吧
It'll happen.
有天他们会找上你的
And if you think your life sucks now,
如果现在你觉得人生很悲剧
it just got worse.
那刚才又加剧了
Look, a new hipster strain.
瞧 新品种的嬉皮士
Ironic Amish.
讽刺的阿米什人
注释：阿米什人是美国的一群基督新教再洗礼派门诺会信徒拒绝汽车及电力等现代设施 过着简朴的生活
No way. I'm taking care of
不行 我要亲自出马
these two butter churners right now.
收拾这两个搅屎棍
Look, I'm telling you what I told Mumford and Sons,
我重复一遍我对某民谣摇滚乐队说的话
注释：Mumford and Sons 来自伦敦的民谣摇滚乐队 其中有位成员就老戴牛仔帽
Get out.
滚出去
Go.
走啊
Go, you hipster amish wannabes.
走啊 你们两个想装阿米什人的嬉皮士
But we really are amish.
可我们真的是阿米什人啊
Yes, we're here on rumspringa.
是啊 我们是来体验社会的
And I'm here on a little bit of vodka.
而我是来耍点小酒疯的
It's sort of like what you might call spring break.
我们体验社会就类似你们的"春假"
We get to leave the ways of the Amish
我们可以脱离阿米什人的生活方式
and experience the modern world.
来体现下现代世界的活法
Well, I beggeth thy forgiveness.
我恳请你们见谅
Haveth a seat eth in the booth eth.
有请两位客人上雅座稍候
Have a seat in the booth.
找个卡座坐吧
Earl, I got two amish in my booth.
厄尔 有两个阿米什人坐在我的卡座耶
Well, you let them know right up front
你得先跟他们声明
that we don't accept travelers checks or livestock.
结账不能用旅行支票和牲口
So Amish, huh?
你们是阿米什人啊
Yes, ma'am. From pennsylvania.
是的 女士 来自宾夕法尼亚州
Ma'am?
女士
You know what, that's kind of hot.
这称呼还蛮带劲的
I always thought I'd have to wait
我总是觉得我得
more years to be a cougar,
再等个20年才能成为欲望主妇20
but, rawr, here I am.
但现在惊觉 我要变身了
Why don't I bring you boys some coffee, on me?
不如给你们俩上杯咖啡吧 我请客
We can't drink coffee, ma'am.
我们不能喝咖啡 女士
Coffee is the devil in a cup.
咖啡是杯子里的魔鬼
We can do whatever we want, Jacob,
我们想干嘛就干嘛 雅各布
we're in new york.
现在可是在纽约
Yeah, Jacob. Listen to, uh
对啊 雅各布 你就听...
Jebediah. For real?
杰巴达亚 真的假的
Did you see the size of her nursers?
你看到她那对"奶瓶"有多大吗
Those guys are for real Amish.
那俩家伙是真的阿米什人
I love the amish culture.
我爱他们的文化
You love every culture.
你什么都文化都爱
You salute the flags at IHOP when we walk by.
你连煎饼屋的旗帜都致敬呢
Oh, my God. That's it.
天啊 我想到了
Max, question.
麦克斯 问你个问题
What are the Amish known for?
阿米什人因什么而闻名
Oh, no. It's sixth grade all over again.
不是吧 重演小学六年级的桥段
Just give me an "F" and move on.
就直接给我个"不及格"吧
Barns. They build barns, and we
马棚 他们很会建造马棚
We need a barn for chestnut.
而栗宝需要个马棚
Come on. And let me do the talking.
跟我来 我负责讲话
I am very good at manipulating young boys.
我非常擅长摆布小男孩
I once got a ten year old I was babysitting
有次我给一个10岁的小孩当保姆
to buy me a box of pop tarts with his allowance.
我让他乖乖拿出零用钱 给我买了一盒甜点
So this is our place. Not much, but
这就是我们的公寓 地方不大
You have so many possessions.
你们有那么多东西
Are you rich, ma'am? Yes.
女士 你是不是有钱人 是的
And I have to say, this "Ma'am" Thing
不得不说 那声"女士"
is still working for me.
仍然让我心驰荡漾啊
Um, okay, Jacob. That's enough with the lights.
雅各布 别玩电灯了
There will be plenty of time for fun with electricity tomorrow,
明天会有很多时间 可以好好体验电力
But it's late.
但现在很晚了
Let's discuss sleeping arrangements.
我们来安排怎么睡吧
You two can sleep out here,
你们俩在外面睡
and Max and I will sleep in her bed.
我和麦克斯睡她的床
Does that work for you? Okay.
可以吗 可以
Oh, sorry. I left my bra.
抱歉 我忘了拿走我的胸罩了
Your your b b bra?
你的胸胸胸 罩
Jacob, stop acting like a child.
雅各布 别跟个小孩一样
I'm sorry about him.
我真替他脸红
Don't be.
大可不必
At least it was her bra.
还好是她的胸罩
Mine would have killed the kid.
如果是我的 那孩子早挂了
So I was thinking we could drive our truck
我想着明早可以开车
to my uncle's lumberyard in the morning
去我叔叔的贮木场
and get the wood for the barn.
弄些木材回来做马棚
Okay, but there seems to be plenty of wood right here.
好啊 不过似乎这里也有根"硬木"啊
Oh, hello.
注意点好吗
Don't be embarrassed, Jacob.
不要觉得丢人 雅各布
It's perfectly natural when you're exposed to new things.
当你接触新鲜事物时 这是自然反应
The first time I saw a picture of those fat twins on scooters,
我第一次见到小摩托上的胖双胞胎照片时
I was hard for days.
也性奋了好几天呢
Why don't you two go outside and play with the horse?
你们俩何不出去跟栗宝玩
Okay.
好的
And thank you for letting us stay at your place.
谢谢你们让我们住在这里
Your home is dope.
你们家酷毙了
You don't even know what that means,
你都不知道那个词是什么意思 杰巴达亚
Jebediah.
It's hipster talk, Jacob, and it's awesome.
嬉皮士就这么说 雅各布 超棒的
Are we sure this is a good idea?
你确定这是个好主意吗
You saw how turned on he was.
你也看见那小伙多性奋了
He was practically raising a barn in his pants.
他都在自己裤裆里"盖起"一间马棚了
We're fine, they're fine.
我们没事 他们也没事
Just a typical male reaction
这是典型的男性反应
to a couple of hot cougars like us.
因为遇见像我们这样的性感熟♥女
Ra. Rawr.
如饥似渴 如狼似虎
You know what isn't a typical male reaction?
你知道什么不是典型的男性反应吗
Not calling or texting a girl you're interested in.
不给自己喜欢的姑娘打电话和发短信
Well, why don't you just text Andy, then?
何不你给安迪发短信呢
What should I text?
我应该发什么啊
Why so gay, question mark"?
干嘛这么基 问号""
I don't know.
我不知道
The only thing I've ever texted to a guy is,
我唯一给男人发过的短信是
There's a cop behind you, walk past me."
你身后有警察 别停下跟我说话""
Just say "Hey."
就发个"好吗"得了
Okay. I can do that.
好吧 发这个可以
Hey."
好吗""
Huh, it autocorrected to "Gay."
手机都自动更正为"好基"了
Even the phone's getting that vibe.
连我手机都感觉到了
There, sent it. "Hey."
好了 发出去了
Do you think I could grab a beer?
我可以拿瓶啤酒喝吗
Yes. No.
行啊 不行
Look, they're working for us for free.
人家免♥费帮我们盖马棚呢
One beer each.
一人拿一瓶吧
Awesome, awesome, awesome.
好棒 好棒 好棒
Max, you can't give underage kids beer in our home.
麦克斯 怎么能在咱家给未成年人酒喝啊
Why? Isn't that what love is?
为啥不行 这不就是爱的真谛吗
Jebediah, beer is the devil's saliva.
杰巴达亚 啤酒是魔鬼的口水
Neighbors come a calling after midnight in Williamsburg?
在威廉斯堡 邻居午夜过后还来敦亲睦邻啊
Where is this William?
这位威廉是谁啊
I'd like to compliment him on his burg.
我想当面夸赞他这堡
Hi, girls, I just came down for a cupcake
姑娘们 我就下来想吃个小...
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
等等 等等
Hold on.
稍等一下
Who are the two cute puppies in the kitchen?
你们厨房这两位可爱的小乖乖是谁啊
Look at you two.
瞧你们俩
You are the cutest little things.
真是这世上最可爱小东西了
Yes, you are
就是 就是的哦
Ooh, and this one has an erection.
哎哟 这一个还勃起了呢
Jacob, don't look directly at her.
雅各布 别用肉眼直盯她
She's like an eclipse with boobs.
她就是巨♥乳版的日蚀 不可直视
Sorry, girls.
抱歉 姑娘们
I didn't mean to interrupt your lovers' session.
我无意打断你们的"外送情人服务"
Sophie, they're just here to build a barn for Chestnut.
苏菲 他们是来帮栗宝盖马棚的啦
Oh, sure. Wink, wink.
我懂我懂 "眨眼眨眼"
Building a barn," Is that what we're calling it now?”
盖马棚"现在都用这个当代号吗"
Wink, wink.
眨眼眨眼
Caroline's telling the truth, Sophie.
苏菲 卡洛琳说的是真话
It's strictly business.
跟他们单纯是生意往来
Oh, so you're paying for them?
原来是花钱招来的啊
Okay. Ooh la la.
没问题
How much do they cost?
他们要多少钱
Because, yeah, I also need a barn.
我也"想要间马棚"
Wink, wink.
眨眼眨眼"
Well, here's your cupcake, Sophie. Good night.
苏菲 你要的小蛋糕 晚安啦
Oh, but I want to play with the puppies.
但人家还想小乖乖玩会
It's very late.
时候不早
You can come back in the morning.
明早再来吧
This is like when they cancelled Christmas in my village.
这跟我村里圣诞节被取消时一样扫兴
Look, look at his pants. That one misses me.
你看 看他的裤子 那乖乖想我呢
Nighty night, puppies.
晚安啦 小乖乖
That must be Andy.
应该安迪回复了
Emojis? He sent me emojis?
颜文字 他用表情符号回我
All I get back are tiny, little pictures,
他居然就用个破小符号回我
when I spent the time and energy to write "Hey"?
亏我还花了精神跟时间打了个"好吗"呢
Rainbow, dollar sign, muffin. Could be worse.
彩虹符 钱符 小松饼符 不算差了
I once got naked guy, naked girl, tombstone.
我有次收到 裸男符 裸女符 坟墓符呢
I wasn't sure what it meant, but I immediately got tested.
我理解无能 但我赶紧去做了性病检查
Yep, Chestnut, pretty soon you'll be safe and sound,
小栗宝 你很快就能住得舒服安稳了
with a roof over your head,
有屋顶帮你遮风挡雨
and you and I can finally be safe
我们再也不用担惊受怕
from the unending torment of that condom throwing cat.
不必再被那丢避孕套的臭猫精神折磨了
All ready for my second date.
准备好要赴第二次约会了
Slut, party of one.
有骚货大驾光临
Slut, party of one.
有骚货大驾光临
You know it.
你懂的
Plus, I'm taking him to that bar
而且 我还要带他去
where only cheap girls go to get laid.
那家低档浪妹爱去求欢的酒吧
You know, the one you like.
就是你爱去的那家酒吧啊
Oh, the Just Slip It Inn?
那个"进去"吧吗
And if that place plus this outfit
去那地方加我这身衣服
doesn't put his pedal to my metal,
他还继续三过我"门"而不"入"
It's clearly never happening.
那肯定就没戏了
Well, that outfit's sexy, but not foolproof.
这衣服是挺性感 但也不是一看便知吧
Oh, it's not? Follow me, please.
还不够明显示意吗 跟我来
Jacob.
雅各布
And I'm not saying I'm that hot,
我没说自己真那么诱人
but I've never seen anybody drop wood
但我好歹没见过有人能
and get wood at the same time.
同时掉硬木又起"硬棒"的哦
Bye, baby, mama's going to get day laid.
宝贝再见 妈咪要在白天滚床单啦
Hey, Max.
麦克斯
Would it be okay if we take our shirts off?
你介意我们脱掉上衣吗
We're sweating, and Yes.
我们满身大汗又... 快
I mean, that's sure, whatever.
我是说 都好啦 随便
if you want to.
你们决定吧
Oh, crap. I don't have any ones.
靠 我身上没小额纸钞[舞男小费]
Could you spray me with that water bottle?
能用喷水器喷我们身子吗
Oh, right. Oh, I'm going to spray you.
想得美呢 用这种伎俩
Is that really what you think is going to happen?
你们觉得这烂招现实吗
I'm going to spray you, and then I'm going to get turned on,
我洒水让你"湿身" 然后我看得欲♥火焚身
and then I'll start spraying stutter stud over there,
然后我也洒洒这匹结巴的小种马
and then we're all having sex?
最后一起玩3p吗
No, Max. I got him.
不用 麦克斯 我来
Here you go, puppies.
来吧 小乖乖
Oh, now I wet the shy one.
现在换打湿害羞的那个
Oh, and, boys, I'm going to need you to come up here next
小乖乖们 等会我也想请你们上来
and fix something because it broke.
我有东西坏了 来帮我修修吧
What's broken?
什么东西坏了
That.
那个
Look at the couple behind us.
看我们后面那对情侣
I mean, save some for the men's room stall,
在这里就快全♥套 等会去厕所"搞"啥啊
Am I right?
你说对吧
I'm having a really good time.
我真的玩得很开心
What?
什么
I'm having a really good time!
我真的玩得很开心
I think we need more drinks.
我去添点饮料吧
Would you like a Jack and Coke?
要来个杰克可乐吗[威士忌混可乐]
Or maybe just a Jack?
还是你想要个男人"杰克"
Oh, no, if you're calling me, then the date's not going well.
惨了 你会打来 肯定是约会不顺
I'm not crazy, right?
我没发疯有幻觉吧
He did hunt me down and beg me to go out with him?
是他主动找我 还求我跟他约会的吧
Nothing again?
又没进展啊
Well, maybe he's not feeling that place.
可能这地方撩不起他的欲火吧
Well, then he's the only one,
全场就他坐怀不乱
cause it's so horny here, I'm about to have sex
这里的气氛淫乱到我都想跟
with the couple at the next table,
隔壁桌的红发情侣开搞了
and they're both redheads, which is so gross.
逼得我都愿意跟红发男女乱搞了 真是超恶心
Hold on a second. Um, hey, guys?
等等 你们俩
Yeah?
有事吗
Perfect, thanks.
很好 没事啦
I mean, why did he even ask me out again?
那他干嘛还约我出去啊
Well, I kind of might have said s
可能是因为我说了什...
Max! Now I'm even more humiliated.
麦克斯 这下我更羞愧了
You forced a gay guy to go out with me?
你居然逼个基佬跟我约会
Who am I? The girl with lupus at the prom?
我是多烂啊 跟毕业舞会上的狼疮妹同等级吗
Andy is not gay.
安迪不是同性恋
He hasn't said one mean thing about strangers
我跟他相处时 从没听过他像基佬一样
while I've been around him.
对陌生人说刻薄的话
Well, then he's paralyzed from the waist down
可能他是个靠着正常走路掩盖自己
and hides it by walking.
下半身不遂的男人吧
Okay, that's it. I'm leaving.
我受够了 我要走了
No, don't, I'll come there. Maybe it'll help.
别走 我来找你吧 可能有帮助哦
You two were really hot when I was standing between you.
我在你们身边的时候 你们俩总打得很火热
True. Okay, and hurry.
也是 那你快来吧
I don't want to go home with the redheads.
我不想最后真跟红发♥情侣上搞上
Why do they even let them in here?
酒吧干嘛放红发人进来啊
Leaving here is probably a good idea anyway.
现在离开对我也好
If I stay any longer, I'm going to do something
我再待在这里 我怕我就要做一些
I'll have to pretend to regret.
得"假装后悔"的"事情"了
How weird running into you guys here.
在我最爱的酒吧偶遇你们
My favorite bar that I come to all the time just cause.
真是太巧了 我常无来由的就想来这呢
Hi, Andy. These guys are our friends.
安迪 他们这是我们的朋友
We're Amish.
我们是阿米什人
Awesome band name.
这乐团名不错
Why did you bring them?
你带他们俩来干嘛
I was afraid to leave them home.
我不敢把他们留在家里嘛
Sophie was running out of things to break in her apartment.
苏菲家都快没东西可以故意砸烂了
So what are you guys drinking? Beer.
你们想喝什么呢 啤酒
Shut it, Jacob, or I will smite thee.
雅各布 敢乱说我劈死汝
Wait, uh, I'll go with you.
等等 我跟你一起去
FYI, I'm leaving with the redheads In five minutes.
五分钟后没进展 我就跟红发♥情侣走
Hi, can I get a pitcher of tap, please?
能给我们来一扎啤酒吗
Would you like to dance, Caroline?
卡洛琳 你想一起跳舞吗
Oh, thank you. But that is so not my thing.
谢谢邀请 但我才不干那种事
And besides, that's not so much a dance floor
而且 那里根本不算舞池
As an STD mosh pit.
是性病混合池吧
Awesome.
好棒
So she called you, right?
她打给你了对吧
I saw her talking on the phone using lots of hand gestures.
我看到她打电话 还配了一堆手势
I figured it was about how bad the date is.
肯定是在说这约会糟透了吧
Okay, I'm going to try and put this as politely as I can,
我尽量用文明点的词汇跟你说
but what the hell is wrong with you?
但你他娘的是猪啊
Make a move.
对她下手啊
Max, I really like her, but...
麦克斯 我真的很喜欢她 但...
What is the but?
但是怎样
But she's Caroline Channing.
她可是卡洛琳·钱宁啊
And you're Andy something. So?
你也是安迪·啥啥不是吗
Yeah, I'm Andy something who owns a small candy store,
我就只是开间小糖果店的安迪·啥啥
And she was practically a princess.
而她算得上是公主了
Was. Was a princess.
那是以前 以前是公主
Now she has five pairs of underwear
现在她穷得只剩五套内衣裤
and hasn't done laundry in eight days.
但她八天没洗衣服了
Max, honestly, I mean, I use those stupid emojis
我老实说 我用表情符号回复她
to buy time to figure out what I wanted to say.
是拖延时间 想好我想对她说的话
That's why emojis exist.
表情符号作用就是在此
So guys like me don't have to say,
像我这样男人就不用亲口说出
I'm not good enough. I sell gum."
我配不上你 我是个卖口香糖的""
She's the same girl you met in your candy store.
她就是你在店里遇到的那个女孩
No, she's not.
不 她不是
That was just a regular, pretty Williamsburg girl.
当时她只是个普通的漂亮威廉斯堡女孩
Now, she's refined, rich Caroline Channing.
现在她是文雅多金的卡洛琳·钱宁
He thinks you're rich and refined.
她觉得你多金又文雅
It's a real boner blocker. What?
害他不知如何下"鸟" 什么
He found out who you were, and he's intimidated.
他知道了你的真实身份 他吓着了
You have to act cheap and unrefined.
你得表现的廉价又粗俗
It's the only way.
没别的招了
Here we go.
来吧
I also ordered you guys some nachos.
我还帮你们点了脆饼吃
No jalapenos.
没放墨西哥辣椒
I know that's the devil's garnish.
我知道那是魔鬼的调味料
Great, nachos.
太好了 玉米脆饼
They're so low rent like me.
跟我一样廉价易得
But first, I'm going to chug some draft beer like I always do.
但我现在要先跟平常一样大口灌点生啤
And now I'm gonna freak dance.
现在我要去骚♥女"乱舞"了
Slut, party of one
骚货即将光临舞池
Come on, Jacob. I'm going to tear that ass up.
来吧 雅各布 姐要好好宠幸你
Y y you are?
真的吗
See? That's not special at all.
你看 她一点也不特别
Oh, my God!
天啊
Call the paramedics.
快叫医护人员啊
I danced an Amish boy to death.
我让阿米什男孩爽死了
Look at poor Jacob. I feel awful.
雅各布好可怜 我好内疚
It was just panic attack coupled with his first orgasm.
人生首次"高♥潮"后的恐慌发作而已嘛
Paramedics said he'll be fine.
医护人员说他会没事的
I think that's what they said.
应该是这样吧
It was hard to hear over all their laughing.
他们边笑边说 听不太清楚
More emojis from Andy.
安迪又回我符号了
Christmas tree, fireworks, martini glass.
圣诞树符 烟火符 马丁尼酒杯符
Okay, that's it. I'm done.
够了 我受不了了
Well, here he comes.
他来啦
What is this supposed to mean?
你发这些是什么意思
Oh, that? That means...
那些吗 就是这个意思
I love emojis.
我爱死表情符号了
I think my work here is done.
看来我可以功成身退了
Max, I'm going to go with Jacob in that thing
麦克斯 我要进那台我们当初
we wouldn't let take our grandmother.
不愿意让其载走我奶奶的东西陪雅各布
And I just wanted to say good bye
我来跟你道别
and thank you for everything.
并谢谢你对我们的一切
Well, you built us a barn,
你也帮我们盖了马棚
we almost killed your friend I'd say we're even.
我们差点害死你朋友 也算两不相欠啦
Well, Jacob says he's going to go home,
雅各布说他要回家了
but I met this girl in the bar
但我在酒吧认识个女孩
whose roommate overdosed yesterday,
她室友昨天嗑药过量死了
so there's a spare room,
所以家里有间空房
and I've decided to stay.
我打算去那里住
Cool.
不错啊
So got any words of wisdom
有什么人生箴言能传授给
for a kid trying to make it in the world?
我这个独自奋斗的小少年吗
No, do you?
没 你呢
Look, just know you're going to struggle for a while.
记住 刚开始肯定会有不顺遂
Someone's going to ask you what time it is,
可能有陌生人假装问你时间
and when you look at your watch,
当你低头看表时
he's going to put his penis on you.
他就把阴♥茎蹭你身上
But like Dan Savage says, it gets better.
但丹·萨维奇说过 明天会更好
注释：丹·萨维奇 在同性恋大学生因搅基视频泄露后自杀后发起了"明天会更好"反自杀活动
Although it hasn't for me,
虽然我的明天没更好
so maybe that only applies to questioning teens.
那可能只对性向有疑问的青少年有效
In short, there's really no point to anything,
总之 不必挂意不顺遂的人事物
but sometimes, you get to eat candy or have sex,
有时候 只要能吃上糖果或打上一炮
and that's when it all feels right.
不顺遂也就抛之脑后了
Oh, no.
惨了
Caroline, the cat.
卡洛琳 那只臭猫
I'm on my own. Fine.
见色忘友 行
Oh, no, you bastard, not tonight.
今晚别想吓唬我 死臭猫 别想
It is not going down tonight.
今晚我奉陪到底
All right, you win this one.
好吧 今晚让你赢