多元一家人（2020）

that Emily reminds her exactly of a student who went to --
等等 稍等一下 我忘了
Wait. Hold on a second. I forget.
你记得是哪所学校吗 乔
Do you remember where it was, Jo?
哈佛大学
Harvard.
哈佛啊
Harvard.
那是所大学 妈妈
That's a college, Mom.
仅作为参考问一下 亲爱的哥哥
And just for reference, dear brother,
你上的是哪所大学来着
where was it, again, that you went?
朗蒙特大学
University of Longmont.
虽然你们两个都认为
Well, in spite of both of you thinking
我们没一件事做对了
that we do everything wrong,
但老师说我们是出色的父母
the teacher said that we are great parents.
出色的
Great...
父母
...parents.
这葡萄酒的味道很廉价
This wine tastes cheap.
这是你去年圣诞节送给我们的
Yeah, well, last Christmas, you gave it to us.
妈妈 你看
Mom, look!
-天呐 -发生了什么
- Oh, my God! - What happened?!
那玩意儿怎么在她身体外面
Why is that outside her body?!
-我不知道 -为什么
- I don't know! ?- Why?!
比尔 去抱露露 我们必须立刻去看急诊
Bill, get Lulu! We have to go to the ER now!
是直肠脱垂
It's a prolapsed rectum.
这下婚礼祝酒词知道该说什么了
Well, now we have the wedding toast.
天呐 她会没事吗
Oh, my God. Is she gonna be okay?
这是怎么回事
What happened?
直肠脱垂就是...
Well, a prolapsed rectum is,
抱歉没有更文雅的描述
for lack of a more graceful description,
整个肛♥门♥从体内掉出来
when your entire butt falls out of your body.
所以人的肛♥门♥都有可能随时掉出来吗
Okay, so anyone's butt can just fall out at -- at any moment?
是的
Yes.
这真是设计缺陷
That is such a design flaw!
这事我有发言权 因为我是工程师
I should know! I'm an engineer!
这是什么样的悲惨人生啊
What kind of life is this?!
比尔 冷静
Bill, calmate.
要做手术吗
Are we looking at surgery?
不用 如果她休息一小时
No, if she relaxes for an hour,
所有东西应该会自动收回她体内
everything should naturally go back into her body,
然后你们只需确保她摄入足够的纤维素
and then you just need to make sure she gets enough fiber.
这事千万别告诉我妈
Do not tell that to my mother.
我 不会的
I...won't.
所以这种事不会再发生了吗
So, it won't happen again?
不 很容易会再发生
Oh, no, it could easily happen again,
而且无法预计在何时或何地发生
and you'll never know when or where,
但话说回来 也可能不会
but also, maybe it won't.
所以我们生活中一堆破事还不够
Okay, so, on top of everything else that's going on,
现在还等于跟一个肛♥门♥定时炸♥弹♥住在一起
we're essentially living with a butt time bomb.
没错
Yes.
能告诉我事发经过吗 我要写进病历
For your daughter's file, can you tell me what happened?
我们不太清楚
We don't know exactly.
当时我们在另一个房♥间 她冲我们尖叫
We were in the other room, she screamed for us --
你也知道 孩子们经常一天到晚尖叫
Yeah, you know how kids are constantly screaming
一般情况下屁事都没有
and it's usually nothing?
所以你们一般都无视她的尖叫吗
So, you typically ignore her screams?
不 我的意思是 我们不是望子成龙那种父母
No. I mean, we're not helicopter parents.
但同时 我们也不是放养型的父母
Right, but at the same time, we're not free-range parents.
我们没风格可言 可以说是无特色父母
We have no style. We're -- We're kind of nothing parents.
对 我们就是陪伴在他们身边
Yeah, yeah, we're just sort of there,
但有时... 人在心不在
yet at the same time... not.
你为什么写那么多字
Why are you writing so much?
别担心 这只是给简的资料
Don't worry. This is just information for Jane.
简是谁
Who's Jane?
你们好 我是简·科斯塔 我是社工
Hi, I'm Jane Costa. I'm a social worker.
等一下 社工
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Social worker?
我需要打给我的律师吗
Do I need to call my attorney?
我需要上网搜律师 然后快速选一个吗
Do I need to Google attorneys and pick one really fast?
不用 我只是要问你们几个问题
No, I just have to ask you a few questions
确定没有育儿方面的过失
and make sure there are no parenting issues.
好吧
Okay.
你们的孩子们今年已经三次进急诊了
Your kids have been to the ER three times already this year.
就这事而已啊
Oh, that's it?
你们能解释这几次上医院的原因吗
Can you explain the reason for all these visits?
第一次去是因为蛲虫
Well, the first visit was pinworms.
如果再说具体一点 我会马上吐出来
If we say anything more about it, I'll throw up.
第二次是...
The next visit...
是因为露露发烧到41.6℃
well, Lulu had a temperature of 107.
事实上那还打破了医院记录呢
It was actually a hospital record.
倒不是说我们有多在乎这种虚名啦
Not that we...care about those sorts of things.
第三次 又是因为蛲虫
Uh, the third visit was... again, pinworms.
你有垃圾桶借我吐一下吗
Do you have a garbage pail?
有什么问题吗
Is there a problem?
显然没发生什么严重的过失
I mean, it's clear nothing criminal took place.
也许只是父母略有失职
Maybe just a little bit of negligent parenting.
-你说什么 -不 其实
- Excuse me? - No, you know what?
听到她说出来后 我开始理解她的担忧
Hearing it out loud, I'm beginning to see her side of this.
不
No.
你多大年纪了 简
How old are you, Jane?
23岁
23.
那你有孩子吗 简
And do you have children, Jane?
一旦她这样叫别人的名字 就大事不妙了
It's not good when she starts saying your name like that.
-不是吐槽的时候 比尔 -好的
- Not now, Bill. ?- Okay.
无意冒犯 这事的重点不在于我
No offense -- this isn't about me.
而在于你
It's about you.
但这事的重点就在于你
Oh, but this is about you,
因为你完全不明白生活的本质
because you have no idea what life is.
你说什么
I'm sorry?
10年前 我就跟你一样
10 years ago, I was you.
身上没有责任 生活轻松简单
No responsibilities, life was easy,
我都6年没独♥立♥使用过洗手间了
and now I haven't used a bathroom by myself in six years!
实际上 这事我有一点责任
That's a little bit on me, actually.
你完全不明白养育孩子的压力有多大
You have no idea the pressure of raising kids,
明知道你不可能把一切都做到尽善尽美
knowing that you can't possibly do everything right,
但你还是得去做
but you have to do it anyway,
同时你婆婆还会质疑你做的每一件事
while your mother-in-law questions every single thing you do.
你这么说有点伤人了吧
That's kind of a cheap shot.
但你还是要确保你美丽的孩子平安健康
And still, you make sure that your beautiful child is safe,
你把她送出家门去面对这个世界
and you send her out into the world,
学校里却没人跟她做朋友
and no one at school will be friends with her,
然后她的器官突然从身体里飞出
and then her organs just go flying out of her body!
老天啊 简 如果在这混乱当中
So, God forbid, if in the middle of all this chaos, Jane,
你就喝了一口酒 然后就发生了不幸的事
you have a sip of wine and something bad happens!
我跟你说 那不叫过失
Well, let me tell you, that is not negligence!
那叫生活
It's called life!
我都不知道现在几点了
I don't even know what time it is anymore.
凌晨3点了
3:00 A.M.
已经凌晨3点了 简
It's 3:00 A.M., Jane!
所以如果我女儿的肛♥门♥已经归位了
So, if my daughter's butt is back in her body,
我们非常希望能立刻回家 简
we would very much like to go home now, Jane!
嗨 怎么样了
Hey. How we doing?
一切都归位了
Everything's back where it's supposed to be.
她可以出院了
She's good to go.
谢谢你 医生
Ah, thank you, Doctor.
我刚听到你吼简了
I heard you yelled at Jane.
是啊 抱歉 我崩溃了
Yeah. Sorry. I snapped.
我也为人父 我理解
I'm a parent. I understand.
有时候你就是需要吼一个陌生人才能发泄出来
Sometimes you just need to yell at a stranger.
再说 她在上周末的垒球比赛中犯了个大错
Besides, she made a big error in the softball game last weekend,
所以...
so...
干得漂亮
good.
瞧瞧我们给你买♥♥了什么
Look what we got you.
它叫萨缪尔
His name is Samuel,
它生活在南极