多元一家人（2020）

我就是这个意思
That's all I was saying.
不如让玛塔去我家一趟
What if Marta came over
做那个我成为不了的榜样
and was the role model that I can't be?
好啊
Yeah.
我能保证她们不看电影
I...could keep them from watching movies.
你猜怎么着 这主意还真是不错
You know what? That all makes wonderful sense.
我会和我妻子布丽商量这个提议
I'll discuss your proposal with my wife, Brie.
我知道你妻子是谁
I know who your wife is.
一切都好吗
Everything go okay?
不好
No.
天呐
Oh, my God.
一切都妙极了
It went amazing.
你母亲拥有我见过最完美的结肠
Your mother has the single most impressive colon I've ever seen.
她也许能活到十亿岁
She might live to be a billion.
那真是太好了
Ah, that's great to hear.
有些人嗑药
Some people shoot dope.
有些人跳伞
Some people jump out of planes.
这是我的刺♥激♥
This is my rush.
现在我已经飘飘欲仙了 宝贝
And I'm flying high, baby.
有什么要我签名的表格吗
Any paperwork for me to sign or...?
比尔 在我临终时 我会记住两件事
Bill, on my deathbed, I'm gonna remember two things --
被伊丽莎白·泰勒破了处♥男♥之身
losing my virginity to Elizabeth Taylor
和你♥妈♥的♥结肠
and your mom's colon.
那或许她该收你的钱 对吧
Maybe she should be charging you, right?
这玩笑不太合适
That's inappropriate.
好啊 小不点玩意儿
Well, helloodle-doodle.
医生 如果可以的话 我能不能...
Doc, would it be alright, if I, um...
拍下她被麻醉后胡言乱语的傻样吗
Take a video of her woozy, drugged-out ramblings?
行 你拍吧
Sure. Go ahead.
女士们先生们 "曼波六号♥"
Ladies and germs, "Mambo No. 6."
你想说的是"五号♥"吧 妈
Oh, I think you mean "No. 5," huh, Ma?
不 这是男孩们的名字
No, this is boys' names.
一点蒂姆
A little bit of Tim.
一点吉姆
A little bit of Jim.
一点大卫
A little bit of Dave.
大卫呢
Where's Dave?
大卫在哪
Where's Dave?
我要大卫
I want Dave!
我不知道
I don't know!
大卫也许不见了
Dave's missing, I guess.
我需要大卫
Well, I need Dave.
我爱大卫
I looove Dave.
你爱他 好吧
You love him? Okay.
那我去找他 大卫是谁
I'll go find him, then. Who's Dave?
我的第一任丈夫
My first husband.
什么
What?
你最好洗洗你的手♥机♥
You should probably wash your phone.
地上可恶心了
It is disgusting in here.
我忘了告诉你 玛塔明天要过来
Oh, I forgot to tell you. Marta's coming over tomorrow.
我还以为这里太脏 她不能过来呢
Thought she wasn't allowed here on account of the squalor.
我用计让丘伊同意了
Yeah, well, I tricked Chuy into it.
他简直让玛塔喘不过气
He's suffocating Marta.
在这里住一晚会彻底改变她的人生
I bet just one night here will completely change her life.
也许吧
Probably.
你超厉害的
You're awesome.
在这的每晚都彻底改变了我的人生
Every night here completely changes my life.
抱歉 我感觉自己应该表扬你几句
Sorry. I feel like I should have a compliment for you right now,
但我无话可说
but I don't.
没关系
That's okay.
找到他了
Found him.
谁
Who?
我妈的第一任丈夫 就是他
My mom's first husband. That's him!
大卫·普朗克
Dave Plonker.
他住在丹佛
He lives in Denver,
开了个修复洒水器的公♥司♥
and he runs a sprinkler-repair business.
天呐 真不敢相信你妈之前结过婚
My God, I can't believe your mom was married before,
你还不知道
and you didn't know.
也许她会联♥系♥他
Maybe she'll call him.
不 她肯定不会的
No, no, she wouldn't call.
自从我爸三十年前去世后 我妈再也没出去约会过
My mom hasn't been on a date since my dad left 30 years ago.
但你可以联♥系♥他
But you could call him.
乔 我已经结婚了
Jo, I'm married.
不过我们的洒水器确实坏了
But we do have that broken sprinkler.
就是那个发出怪声的
You know, the one that goes
"噗呋 呋呋呋 噗呋 呋呋"
"Pfffft-f-f-f-f-f-f, pffft-f-f--"
不 其实声音更像是这样
Actually, no, it's -- it's -- it's more like
"呋呋呋 呋 呋 呋 呋呋呋"
"Fffffff-f-f-f- fff-f-f-ffffff."
好吧 行吧
Okay. Yeah.
它的动作是这样
While that is the movement --
-"呋呋呋" -好吧 你完全搞错了
- "F-f-f-f." -Okay, you're way off on the noise.
因为它喷得到处都是
'Cause it, like, sprays everything.
-"呋呋呋" -不对 那声是"噗呋 呋呋呋 噗呋"
- "Ffffff." -No, the noise is the "Pffft, f-f-f-f-f-pfft."
不不 宝贝 是"呋呋呋 呋呋呋"
No, no, no, babe, it's "Ffffff, fffff."
是这样 "噗呋"后面带着"呋呋"
Yeah, "Pffft" with the "Fff."
好吧 关键是 大卫·普朗克先生
Alright, look, the point is, Mr. Dave Plonker
可以过来检查下我们的洒水器
could come and take a look at our sprinkler.
没错 谁知道接下来会发生什么呢 对吧
Right, right, and then who knows what happens, you know?
他们可能重新坠入爱河 她可能会搬出去
They might fall back in love. She could move out.
我们可以把她的房♥间变成一个鸟类保护区
We could turn her room into a bird sanctuary.
绝不行 老哥 我要买♥♥一套鼓
No way, dude. I'm getting a drum set.
我很高兴看到我妈能找到
You know, I would love to see my mom find happiness
除低价烤鸡以外的幸福
in something other than low-priced rotisserie chickens.
又是玛塔 又是你妈
Between Marta and your mom,
我们要改变好多人的人生啊
we are fixing so many people's lives right now.
还有修好我们的洒水器
And our sprinkler,
我们都知道发出的怪声是 "噗呋 呋呋呋"
which we both know goes like this -- "Pffft, f-f-f-f-f."
你喷了我一身
You're spitting all over me!
你们好
Hey, you two.
这不是我女儿们的新榜样吗
There's my daughters' new role model.
姑姑好
Hey, Tía.
我爸还坚信
My father also believes
你的小孩会吓到我不敢做♥爱♥
your kids will scare me off of having sex.
嗯 他好像说得没错
Yeah, he's probably right.
急什么
Not so fast.
虽然你今晚不在我家住
Just because you're not under my roof tonight
但不代表你就不用遵守我的规矩
does not mean that you won't be following my rules.
-当然 -是 先生
- Of course. ?- Yes, sir.
要检查... 尊重这个家
To review -- respect this home,
尽管他们自己都不尊重
even though they clearly don't.
不准看电视 不准打电玩
No TV. No video games.
哪怕只是看见推特 你也要尖叫
If you even see Twitter, scream.
不准说"烂透了"这个词
Do not use the word "Sucks."
不准说"小婊砸"
Do not say "Biz-natch."
我在你的背包里放了杯垫
I put coasters in your backpack
因为我从没在这屋里见过
because I've never seen one here.
杯垫需在手 吹牛不可有
Do use a coaster, don't be a boaster.
但她可以抽电子烟 对吧
But she can vape, right?
-什么 -丘伊 我开玩笑的啦
- What?! ?- Chuy, I'm kidding!
瞧 这就是你的问题所在
See, that's your problem.
你总像小孩一样开玩笑 我像成年人一样成熟
You're always kidding. I'm adulting.
成功了 你逃离魔巢了
We did it. You're out!
别担心 这里唯一的规矩只跟雪糕有关
And don't worry. The only rules here are ice-cream-related.
而且非常弹性好商量
And they're very flexible.
玛塔 我得迅速跟你说件事
Hey, uh, Marta, I gotta fill you in on something really quick.
-好 -今天早些时候
- Okay. - Um, earlier today,
我打给了我妈隐瞒的第一任丈夫的洒水器公♥司♥
I called my mom's secret first husband's sprinkler business,
他随时会到这里
and he'll be here any minute,
但他不知道她住在这儿
but he doesn't know that she lives here,
她连我知道这段婚姻也不晓得
and she doesn't even know that I'm aware of the marriage.
正如精彩[电视台]说的
And, as Bravo says,