多元一家人（2020）

我快冻死了
I'm freezing!
能给我吃根冰棍吗
Can I have a Popsicle?
不行
No way.
你在学校的展览会上已经吃下够多糖了
You had enough sugar at the school fair.
再说现在该洗澡了
And it's tub time.
为什么是我要洗澡
Why do I have to take a bath?
发生意外的明明是露露啊
Lulu's the one who had an accident.
没事的 露露
It's okay, Lulu.
把煎蛋打翻到你身上的人是我
I'm the one who gave you huevos rancheros.
不要啊 露露遭遇意外了吗
Oh, no. Did Lulu have an accident?
没有 妈 我们只是要把她扔掉
Uh, no, Mom. We're throwing her away.
乔
Jo!
洗澡水放得怎么样了
Hey, how's that bath coming?
不行 水就是不热
It's not. The water won't get hot.
这倒是能解释得通了
Oh, that explains it.
什么解释得通
Explains what?
燃气公♥司♥寄过来的最后通牒
Oh, the final notice you got from the gas company.
什么 这天寒地冻的 他们竟然停了我们的燃气
What? They shut off our gas during a freak cold snap?
比尔 你付账单了吗
Bill! Did you pay them?
没有 你交燃气费 我交电费
Uh, no, you pay the gas. I pay the electric.
-没有 -就有
- No. - Yes!
我还编了一首歌♥专门来记这事
I came up with a song just to remember it.
*乔和比尔 乔和比尔*
*Jo and Bill, Jo and Bill*
*电费谁来付*
*Which one pays the electric bill? *
糟糕 我只记得这么多了
Crap. That's as far as I got.
没事 我会打电♥话♥跟他们说
It's fine. I will just call them and tell them
我们并没有破产 只是生活杂乱无章
that we're not broke, just disorganized.
走吧 露露
Come on, Lulu.
反正妈妈早就想换个厨房♥毛巾了
Mommy wanted new kitchen towels anyway.
瞧瞧这个
Oh, look at this.
帕姆外婆寄来的贺卡
A card from Grandma Pam.
家里没人要过生日啊
None of us have a birthday coming up.
你觉得你妈妈是不是终于出现
Do you think your mom is finally getting a little,
记忆衰退的情况了
you know, forgetful?
但愿如此
I hope so.
我妈就喜欢作威作福
My mother is so overbearing.
你绝对无法想象那是什么感觉
You have no idea what it's like.
听上去真艰难
Sounds rough.
转人工
Operator.
转人工
Operat‐‐
傻兮兮的自助语♥音♥服务
Stupid gas robot.
十块钱的支票
Check for 10 bucks.
"结婚十周年纪念日快乐
"Happy 10th anniversary,
威廉和乔瑟菲娜"
William and Josefina."
等等 乔 这是在说我们啊
Wait. Jo, that's us.
我的天呐
Oh, my God.
我们的结婚十周年纪念日
Our 10th anniversary!
那是两周前的事了
It was two weeks ago!
一个95岁的老太太都记得 我们却忘了吗
A 95‐year‐old remembered, and we forgot?
那怎么可能啊
How is that even possible?
浴缸里的水要溢出来了
The tub is about to overflow!
快关掉
Shut it off!
不 不是说关停燃气 不是说燃气
No, not the gas. Not the gas!
好了 开始吧
Okay. Here we go.
"罗德里格斯-瑞恩的婚礼 2010年"
"Rodriguez‐Ryan Wedding, 2010."
嘿 艾米莉 你想看爸爸妈妈结婚时的场景吗
Hey, Emily, you want to watch mama and daddy get married?
好啊
Yeah!
什么 那才不是爸爸
Huh? That's not Daddy.
就是的 爸爸以前是有头发的
It is. Daddy used to have hair.
艾米莉 亲爱的
Emily, sweetie,
生活会夺走一切你珍视的东西
life will take everything that you care about
然后将之摧毁
and destroy it.
那个人为什么在说西班牙语
Why is the man speaking Spanish?
因为婚礼是在波多黎各的一个海岸上举办的
Because we got married on a beach in Puerto Rico.
是啊 至今不明白那让我经历了什么鬼
Yep. Still no idea what I agreed to.
我们写下了誓词
We wrote our own vows,
但我们没机会念出来 因为...
but we didn't get to read them because...
一场热带风暴侵袭了海滩
A tropical storm hit the beach.
快告诉我这不是《侏罗纪公园》
Oh, tell me this isn't "Jurassic Park."
我还没看过这部电影呢
I haven't seen it yet!
不是的 妈 是我们的婚礼录像
No, Mom. It's our wedding video.
想跟我们一起看吗
Want to watch with us?
不了 谢谢
No, thanks.
一次没经历过 对我来说已经足够了
Not being there once was enough for me.
你当时为什么没去参加 奶奶
Why weren't you there, Grandma?
问问你的好父母啊
Ask your parents.
亲爱的 因为我们当年是私奔的
Because, sweetheart, we eloped.
什么是私奔
What's "Eloped"?
就是罪犯为伤害父母的感情而故意做出来的事
It's something criminals do to hurt their parents' feelings.
你们竟然没邀请奶奶
You didn't invite Grandma?!
不 我们策划了一场盛大的婚礼
No, we planned a big wedding,
也邀请了所有的家人 但是...
and we invited all our families, but...
他们开始搞得好像那是他们的婚礼一样
They started acting like it was their wedding.
于是我们就逃走了 在那里没人会抱怨
So we ran far away, where nobody could complain
你妈妈的婚纱或是你♥爸♥爸不是天主教♥徒♥
about Mommy's dress or Daddy's not being Catholic.
我想要的不过是在我儿子的大婚之日跟我儿子跳支舞
All I wanted was one dance with my son on his wedding day.
以及对婚礼招待创意策划上的独霸权
And complete creative control of the reception.
拜托 乔
Oh, come on, Jo!
你选的桌上花饰那么丑 开什么玩笑
Were you kidding me with those tablescapes?
总之 那座岛被水淹了
Anyway, the whole island flooded,
我们差点死了
and we almost died.
我还错过了呢
And I missed it!
话说 我还有头发的那个录像
Hey, uh, that video of me with hair
还有别人觉得帅吗
do it for anybody else?
别啊
Oh, no.
你这应该不是欲望的眼泪吧
I don't suppose those are tears of desire?
你看 这是我们的结婚誓词
Look, it's our wedding vows.
到现在还放在时间胶囊里
They were still in the time capsule.
我们连信封都没拆
We never even opened the envelopes.
是啊 你懂的
Yeah, well, you know,
我被一只马蹄蟹击中了脸 可没心情
kind of killed the mood when I got hit in the face
再去念什么婚礼誓词了
with that horseshoe crab.
天呐
Man.
我们婚礼的每个方面都烂透了
Every single aspect of our wedding got screwed up.
-简直... -是啊
- It's like... - Yeah.
我们以为我们的家人会毁了它
We thought our families would destroy it,
但结果 上帝亲自出马毁了
but instead, God himself destroyed it.
就是感觉有点糟心 这是我们一辈子的婚礼
It just stinks that that's our one wedding for life.
别这样
Aw. No.
可能我们两个会突然死一个呢
Well, one of us might die.
别闹
Stop.
我只是希望我们能重办一次婚礼
I just wish we could do our wedding over again
而且不出幺蛾子
and get it right.
我们可以
Well, we could.
怎么做
How?
就在这重办一次
We just redo our wedding here.
你是说更新婚礼婚誓吗
You mean, like, renew our vows?
当然
Yeah, sure.
在家办一个简单低调的婚礼
You know, just a simple, low‐key thing at the house
招待能来的人
for whoever can make it.
我们可以这周末就办
We could do it this weekend.
真的 可以规模小点
Yeah. W‐We'll keep it small.
就邀请我的部分兄弟
You know, just invite some of my brothers.
我们可以在网上让艾米莉获得神职身份
We can ordain Emily on the Internet.
你做点排骨
You'll make ribs.
我也可以跟我妈跳她心心念念的舞了
And I can give my mom her stupid dance
免得她一直怨恨我
so she'll stop resenting me.
也许这一次
And maybe this time,
我们可以真正洞房♥
we could actually consummate things.
是啊 婚礼那晚真是够呛
Yeah. What a wedding night that was.