多元一家人（2020）

我养大了你
I raised you...
你却不放心把孩子交给我
but you don't trust me with your children.
好吧 在电池门事件后是有点难
Okay, well, it's kind of hard after Batterygate.
电池门事件就是莫须有的迫♥害♥
Batterygate was a witch hunt!
我们就让艾米莉和你单独待了一小时
We left Emily alone with you for one hour.
等我们回来时
When we came back,
她在玩一排空电池
she was playing with an empty pack of batteries.
我们以为她把电池吞了
We thought she swallowed them.
但她没吞 不是吗
But she didn't swallow them, did she?
那是我们做了全身CT扫描后才知道的
Which we only learned after a full-body CT scan.
是你留下我一个人
You were the one that left me alone
待在全是电池的房♥子里
in a house full of batteries.
那个...
The...
好了
Okay.
好了
Okay.
不如过去的事就让它过去吧
Why don't we just put that behind us?
桑迪
And, um, Sandy?
你今晚能帮忙带孩子吗
Do you think you could watch the children tonight?
我看看日程表
I'll need to check my calendar.
我想我可以推迟下别的事
I think I can move a few things around,
尤其是帕蒂不在了
especially since Patty's gone.
好极了
Great!
那这事就搞定了
It's settled, then.
我其实很激动
I'm actually thrilled
你愿意让我带孩子
that you're asking me to watch the kids.
我终于能和小天使们单独相处了
Finally, some alone time with my little angels.
你瞧 一切都会好的
Oh, see? This is gonna be great.
-当然 -好了
- Sure. - Okay.
我会给她们读书 做手工
I'll read to them, we'll do crafts,
然后也许
and then maybe finally,
有人能教她们说"不"
someone will teach them the word "No."
谢了 我们很感激
Th-- Thank you. We appreciate it.
恭喜 你终于嘲讽成功了
Congrats. You got that dig in.
她觉得我们会对她下什么样的毒手啊
What does she think we're gonna do to her?
-我... -简直...
- I... - I mean...
你好性感
You look hot!
从头到脚
Tops to botts.
你也不赖啊
Hey, and check you out!
是啊 我的旧比利·乔尔演唱会纪念T恤
Oh, yeah. My old Bill Joel concert tee.
让演唱会的观众都知道爷也去过演唱会
Lets people at the concert know I've been to a concert before.
你们为什么打扮成这样
Why are you guys dressed like that?
你们赢了一艘船吗
Did you win a boat?
其实今晚我们要去约会
Actually, we are going out on a date
向你丘伊舅舅证明我们跟他一样好
to prove to your Uncle Chuy that we're just as good as he is.
没错
Yeah.
未来你也会对露露这样
You'll do this to Lulu someday.
那谁来照顾我们呢
But who's gonna watch us?
奶奶来了
Heeeere's Granny!
话说 你真觉得这是个好主意吗
Hey, uh, do you think this is a good idea?
我完全信任你妈
Oh, I totally trust your mom.
而且我拿走了所有的电池
And I took all the batteries.
天呐 我好爱你
God, I love you.
救命
她写的是"救命"吗
Does that say "Help"?
我觉得看着像瞎写的
Looks like "Pleh" to me.
好了 我们走吧
All right, let's go!
这真浪漫 对吧
Now, this is romance, huh?
只有你和我 来市里玩 没有尿布的烦恼
You and me, out on the town, no diapers.
你就这么想吧 我不会错过任何一首歌♥
Speak for yourself. I'm not gonna miss a song.
我喜欢和你过二人世界的生活
I love being here with just you.
真好
So nice.
我们买♥♥点酒吧
Should we get some drinks?
不了 我一喝酒就会睡着
Nah. If I have a drink, I'll fall asleep,
因为平时我就是这么入睡的
'cause that's usually how I fall asleep.
也对
Right.
那么
So...
你的工作怎么样
how's work been?
挺好 挺好 你呢
Good. Good. How's yours?
不错
Fine.
是吗 那挺好
Yeah? Nice.
工作聊完了
Well, covered that.
我有点不记得
I kind of can't remember
在没有孩子前 我们都谈些什么
what we used to talk about before we had kids.
我想正是因为无话可谈 我们才要孩子的
I think we ran out of stuff. That's why we had the kids.
我发个短♥信♥给妈 确保一切正常
I'm gonna text Mom, make sure everything's okay.
比尔
Bill!
你这个沉迷手♥机♥的人
You are a screen addict, man.
现在唯一需要被开机
The only thing that should be turned on
并被抚摸的是你老婆
and touched right now is your wife!
什么
What?
第一条规矩 约会夜不能玩手♥机♥
Rule number one -- no phones on date night.
得了吧 还有规矩
Oh, come on. There are rules?
没有 比尔
No, Bill,
我们只是随便应付人生中最重要的情感关系呢
we're just winging it with the most important relationship of our lives.
他只是了解下孩子们在家的情况
He's just checking on our kids.
第二条规矩
Rule number two --
约会之夜 不提孩子
we don't talk about kids on date night.
因为会让人性致全无
It's just not sexy.
好吧 抱歉 我们找了个新保姆
Alright, sorry, we have a new babysitter,
我还不太信任她
and I don't quite trust her yet.
是他的亲妈
It's his mom.
比尔 我这么做是为了你好
Bill, I am doing this for your own good.
放下手中手♥机♥ 挽救家庭危机
Get off your family plan and save your family, man!
拜托
Come on.
你能不能帮我们拍张照片
Do you mind taking a picture of us?
她为什么就能玩手♥机♥ 双标啊
She gets hers?! What the hell?!
第三条规矩 规矩对布丽女王不适用
Rule number three -- rules don't apply to Brie.
好了 拍好了
Okay. Got it.
你能帮我们也拍一张吗
Would you mind taking one of us, too?
为什么
Oh, why?
好让你发遍各大社交媒体吗 手♥机♥重症患者
So you can plaster it all over social media, you addict?
找人给你戒瘾吧
Get help!
然后熊爸爸谢过金发姑娘
And then Papa Bear thanked Goldilocks,
他们从此都过着幸福快乐的生活
and they all lived happily ever after.
你们喜欢这个故事吗
Did you like that story?
我很喜欢 但爸妈不是这么给我们讲的
I loved it, but that's not how my parents tell it.
当然不是了
Of course not.
你们爸妈可不喜欢
Your parents don't appreciate
一个自信的金发女性来到他们家
a confident blond woman who comes into their home
指出他们所有的错误
and points out all their mistakes.
好了 那么
Okay, well...
晚安咯
good night!
可是奶奶 今天是周末
But, Grandma, it's the weekend.
我们两小时后才到睡觉时间
Our bedtime is not for another two hours.
还要两小时
Two hours?
那...我们做什么好呢
Well... what are we going to do?
你可以让我玩你的手♥机♥
You could let me play on your phone.
艾米莉 我把手♥机♥收起来了
Oh, Emily, I put that away
为了让我们能好好聚一会儿
so that we could have some time together.
你可以...
You could...
跪在地上扮成马给我骑
give me a horsie ride.
请恕奶奶做不到
Actually, I can't.
你可以给我们果汁喝
You could give us some juice.
艾米莉
Oh, Emily.
睡前摄入糖分吗
Sugar before bed?
你一定会学会"不"这个词
You are going to learn the word "No."
-可是我... -不
- But I -- - No.
我知道"不"是什么意思
I know what "no" means.
我只是万万想不到会从我最爱的奶奶嘴里说出来
I just never thought I would hear my favorite grandma say it.
爸爸妈妈有可能 但...
Maybe Mom and Dad, but not...
亲亲桑迪奶奶怎么可能嘛