多元一家人（2020）

你确定你要这样养育你妈吗
Uh, are you sure this is how you parent a parent?
妈妈 大卫
Mom, Dave!
好了 你们真的太过分了
Okay, hey, this has gone far enough.
听着 如果你是在气浴室的事
Oh, hey, listen, if this is about the shower,
是玛塔把下水道弄堵的
Marta clogged the drain.
不是 别管浴室了
No, forget the shower.
你们要去跳伞吗
You're going skydiving?
-是啊 -是的
- Yeah. - Yeah.
大晚上去
At night?
淡定啦 比尔
Just cool your jets, Billy.
是室内跳伞
It's indoor skydiving.
在商场里的
At the mall.
而且我们签了一份很长的生死状
And we signed a really long waiver about safety,
所以你完全不需要担心
so you don't have to worry about a thing.
没错 我会把你妈妈照顾好的
Yeah, I'm gonna take real good care of your mama.
不 不 不行
Uh, no. No -- No, you're not.
等等 妈妈
Wait, Mom.
什么事 比尔
What is it, Bill?
没什么 就是提醒你带件毛衣
You know what? Just, uh, bring a sweater.
-商场里面挺冷的 -谢啦
- The mall can get really cold. - ?Oh. Thanks.
多谢你的蠢建议哦 老爷爷
Thanks for the dumb advice, Grandpa.
孩子们睡着了 我只哄了两小时就搞定了
Kids are down, and it only took two hours.
我妈还没联♥系♥过我
Hey, I haven't heard from my mom yet.
你呢
Have you?
比尔 我们在一起这么久
Bill, in our entire relationship,
你妈只发过一次短♥信♥给我
your mother has texted me once --
还是不小心发错的
by accident.
内容是 "我投票给克雷·艾肯[流行歌♥手]"
It said, "I vote for Clay Aiken."
好吧 你怎么了
Okay, so, what's wrong with you?
听着 你妈已经71岁了
Look, your mom is 71.
她不会有事的
She's fine.
玛塔才15岁
Marta's 15.
现在她已经晚了一小时
She is now over an hour late.
好吧 看来矛头已经转向玛塔
Ah, okay. I see we've pivoted on Marta.
我刚才...
I've just --
我刚才一直在想
You know, I've just been thinking about
我15岁时的德行
what I was like when I was 15.
比尔 如果玛塔有那么一点像我
I mean, Bill, if Marta is anything like me,
她现在有可能在任何地方
she could be anywhere.
情况可能会... 很糟糕
And it could be... bad.
你打过电♥话♥给她吗
Did you try calling her?
没有 丘伊不给她用手♥机♥
No, Chuy won't let her have a damn phone.
我醒了 我死都不要睡觉
I'm up, and I'm never going to bed!
天呐 我把丘伊的孩子弄丢了
Oh, God. I lost Chuy's kid.
她这不就回来了
And here she is.
其实我没有真的担心过啦
You know, I was never actually worried.
你说是就是吧
Oh, sure, yeah.
我们来接我们的女儿
We've come for our daughter.
妈妈把她弄丢了
Mom lost her.
什么
What?!
其他一切都还好吗
S-S-So, how's everything else?
我们放心把女儿交给你
We trusted you with our child.
不 你才不放心
No, you didn't.
我们为何要放心
And why should we?
你这辈子都是个不负责任的人
You've been irresponsible your whole life.
我不负责任
I'm irresponsible?
我努力劝你跟玛塔好好谈谈
I tried to get you to talk to Marta,
你却抛弃了她
but you abandoned her.
我抛弃她只是为了让她证明她爱我
I only abandoned her to make her prove she loves me.
好了 各位都稍安勿躁
Okay, everybody relax.
听着 玛塔周四晚上通常会在哪里
Look, where is Marta usually on Thursday night?
帮我打包要放到网上卖♥♥的货
Helping me wrap things for eBay.
我知道玛塔去哪儿了
I know where Marta went.
谢天谢地
Oh, thank God.
哪里 宝贝
Where, honey?
你给我一个甜甜圈我就告诉你
I'll tell you if you give me a doughnut.
天呐
Oh, wow.
如果耶稣拿到甜甜圈后做正确的事
Imagine if Jesus only did the right thing
那就天下太平了
when he got a doughnut.
她说她要去一个老男人的家
She said she was going to some older guy's place.
飞翔吧
哇 这真的好高啊
Wow. This is really high.
只有9米
It's 30 feet.
好了 一分钟后
Okay, so, in a minute,
我们会开启强劲气流
we'll switch on a high-powered jet of air.
你们就跳进管道里
You'll jump into the tube
体验飞翔的快♥感♥
and experience the majesty of flight.
那是我常去的服装店
There's my Chico's!
-看起来好小 -是啊
- It looks so small. - Yeah.
-大卫 -怎么
- Dave. ?- Hmm?
我想我玩不了这个
Uh, I do-- I-I-I don't think I can do this.
我很害怕 我需要考虑一下
I'm scared. I need a minute to think.
好的 听着 能给我们点时间吗
Okay. Okay. Listen, um, can you just give us a moment?
我心爱的桑迪
Sand 'o' My Heart,
如果说过去这两天我学到了什么
if I've learned anything in these last two days --
稍等一下
hang on --
那就是千万不要多想
...it's not to think at all.
所以我要问问你
And that's why I'm asking you
你愿意再次嫁给我吗
if you'll marry me again.
我 我做不到 我...
Uh, I-I can't do this. I --
不能结婚还是不能跳伞
Well, marriage or skydiving?
任何一个
Well, uh, either.
任何一个都可以吗
Well, either?
所以你可以做其中一样吗
So, you could do one?
不 不 不是
No, no, no.
我是说都不能
I-I mean both.
大卫 这几天我跟你过得太开心了
Uh, oh, Dave, I have had a wonderful time,
但这实在进展太快了
but this is so fast.
这...
It -- ?
我爱你 宝贝
Well, I love you, babe,
用我装了猪瓣膜的整颗心爱你
with my entire pig-valve heart.
对我来说 这还不够快呢
And for me, it ain't fast enough.
但愿我们能在管道里相遇
I hope I see you in the tube.
来吧
Come on!
不要啊
Nooooooooo!
我们还没打开喷气装置呢
We haven't turned on the jet!
在这个家里就待了24小时
Just 24 hours in this house
就已经让我们家孩子彻底堕落了
has completely corrupted our kid.
是啊 你们的孩子
Yeah, your kid.
你把她丢在了这里 因为你情感发育迟钝
Who you dumped here because you're too emotionally stunted
无法接受她已经长大了的事实
to deal with the fact that she's growing up.
我情感发育迟钝
I'm emotionally stunted?
你有多少件牛仔夹克衫啊
How many jean jackets do you own?
好吧 首先 你怎么敢说这种话
Okay, first of all, how dare you?
玛塔 我的宝贝
Marta, my baby!
谢天谢地你还活着
Oh, thank goodness you're alive.
你身上一股这个家里的味儿
You smell like this house.
妈 爸 你们好
Hey, Mom. Hi, Dad.
那个老男人在哪儿 我要杀了他
Where's this older guy? I'm gonna kill him.
什么 我没跟男人在一起
What? I wasn't with a guy.
我去参加合唱团了
I was with the glee club.
合唱团 你会唱歌♥吗
Glee club? You can sing?
我都不知道你对演艺事业感兴趣啊
I didn't know you were interested in show business.
你们从来没问过我我对什么感兴趣
You've never once asked me what I'm interested in.
你们只会对我下命令
You just tell me what to do.
我只是不希望你被谋杀 真是"对不起"你了
Sorry I don't want you to get murdered.
那艾米莉为什么要说你去找老男人了
So, why did Emily say you were with an older guy?
或许是因为我跟她说我们要去疗养院演出
Maybe because I told her we were performing at a nursing home?
合唱团每个月都会去做志愿演出
Glee club volunteers there every month,
但我知道你们不可能允许我去的
but I knew you'd never let me go.
疗养院里面有很多疾病