前夫总动员（2011）

The Exes S02E02

Part 2 March 18, 2021, 1:18 p.m.

and I walk into the bathroom
正撞上斯图尔特洗完澡出来
just as Stuart is getting out of the shower,
我看到了他的...
and I saw his--
哦天啊你看到他的老二了?
Oh, my gosh, you saw little Stuart?
小? 他家老二长得
Little? That thing looked like
足能去竞赛
it was taking him for a piggyback ride.
- 真的? - 嗯
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
斯图尔特有个豪华版老二?
Stuart's got a king-size giggle stick?
嗯
Yeah.
你说说能有多大么?
How big are we talking?
嗯够大的都可以喂花生了
Well, any bigger, you could feed it peanuts.
好吧我要看看大概
Okay, I need to see a picture of this.
画一个
Draw it.
额我想我们需要个更大点的便笺薄
Uh, you know what, we're gonna need a bigger pad.
好吧
Okay.
笔...需要粗的那种
And that marker-- the thick kind.
- 哦... - 好
- Oh... - Yep.
好了...
Okay...
满意了?
Happy?
给我点独处的时间
I'd like to take some personal time.
你确定没夸大其词?
Are you sure you're not exaggerating?
我是说你很长时间都没
I mean, it's been a long time since you've seen one
面对过...亲眼见过男人的...
face to-- in person.
没错我确定虽说我已经有好久
Yes, I'm sure. I mean, it's been a while
都没见过"克莱斯勒大厦"了
since I've seen the Chrysler building,
但就算"它"淋过雨我也认得出来
but I'd recognize it getting out of the shower.
好吧嗯我走了好让你
All right, well, I'll let you get back then
继续对斯图尔特的幻想
to fantasizing about Stuart.
我可没在幻想
I'm not fantasizing.
听着这事太意想不到了
Look, the whole thing just caught me by surprise.
就像头一次看到鲨鱼的血盆大口
It's kinda like the first time you see jaws
从海里出来一样
leap out of the water.
总之就当我没说好了
Anyway, just forget I mentioned it.
我早就忘了
It's already been forgotten.
哦等下伊登我的便笺薄
Uh, no.eden My pad.
你看什么?
What?
我只是想把这个钉到祈愿板上而已
Just gonna stick it up on my wish board.
嗨伊登你来干吗?
Hey, Eden, what are you doing here?
哦我来这找斯图尔特
Oh, I'm here to see Stuart.
有几份离婚协议需要他签字
I've got some divorce papers for him to sign.
斯图尔特几个月前就办好手续了
Stuart's divorce was final a few months ago.
对嗯但是嗯一些表格
Yes, well, but, um, some of the forms
还没填完整
fell through the cracks.
比如...比如I-95
Like the--like the I-95s
和嗯 B-52这些等等文件
and, um, the B-52s and such.
总之斯图老大在哪?
Anyway, where's big Stu?
慢着我听着声音就觉得像
Wait, I thought I heard you.
伊登你来这儿干嘛?
Eden, what are you doing here?
哦她是来这里找斯图老大的
Oh, she's here to see big Stu.
斯图老大? 你告诉他们了是不是?
Big Stu? You told them, didn't you?
- 告诉我们什么? - 对啊什么?
- Told us what? - Yeah, what?
没没什么
Nothing. Nothing to tell.
霍莉看到了斯图尔特的巨长老二特别大
Holly saw Stuart's schlong, and it's ginormous.
有多大?
How ginormous?
长到足够在上面开过山车了
Tall enough to ride Space Mountain on its own.
怎么可能!
No way!
千真万确
Yeah, it's true.
今早我不小心在
I walked in on Stuart this morning
浴室撞上了斯图尔特
in the bathroom by accident.
我才不信
I'm not buying it.
斯图尔特看上去不像那种
Stuart doesn't carry himself like a man
有狗屎运踩的人
who just hit the junk jackpot.
就算斯图尔特有傲人的老二了不起了
So Stuart's well-endowed. Big deal.
那也没什么
It doesn't change anything.
怎么会没什么!
It changes everything!
你看过动物星球吗?
Haven't you ever seen animal planet?
物种间存在着弱肉强食
There's a pecking order in the species.
我们必须知道谁是老大
We have to know who the Alpha male is.
他攘外安内否则族群就会陷入一片混乱
It settles down the pack. Otherwise, there's chaos.
到处是厮打和骚动
Scratching and nervous digging.
好吧听着我不管你们对
All right, look, I don't know what kind
老二尺码和男子气概
of macho thing you guys have
有何等执着
about a man's size,
但对于一个女人来说没那么重要
but as a woman, it's not that important.
真正重要的是你怎么去做
I mean, what really matters is what you do with it.
我喜欢大的巨大的那种
I like 'em big. Real big.
- 嗨各位 - 嗨斯图尔特
- Hey, guys. - Hi, Stuart.
真是漫长的一天啊
Ugh, I had a long, hard day.
我是说我筋疲力尽了
I'll tell you, I am dragging.
那只是传说
That's the rumor.
伊登你盯着什么看呢?
Eden, what are you staring at?
没什么她没看什么
Nothing. She's not staring at anything.
没事没事
Oh, no, it's okay. It's okay.
我知道她在看什么
I, uh--I think I know what it is.
这是本季度新款的灯芯绒裤
It's the new cords. First of the season.
好好欣赏下
Check 'em out.
- 噢好咧 - 不就这样我们走吧
- Oh, okey-dokey. - No, that's it, we're leaving.
- 我想留下来 - 控制住欲望
- I want to stay. - Get a grip.
遏制不住呐
I was trying to.
哇孰能预料?
Wow. Who knew?
女士们喜欢灯芯绒材质
The ladies love the cords.
爆料一个因为它高领毛衣
And I'll tell you, I just bought 'em
很显帅我才买♥♥的
because they look super cool with turtlenecks.
没错灯芯绒裤先生
Yeah, there's no way Mr. corduroy's
床上功夫了得的可能性为零
swinging a big bat.
我突然感到很受伤很没有安全感
Suddenly I'm feeling very vulnerable and unsettled.
凛冬将至
Winter is coming.
谁将带领我们度过漫漫冬夜?
Who will lead us through the hard season?
好了斯图尔特随时都会出现
All right, Stuart's gonna be in here any second,
表现得自然点
so just act natural.
自然点
Natural.
我们引诱一男人来健身俱乐部
We just lured a man to a health club
就为了一睹他的造人工具
to take a peek at his baby maker.
我们不是偷看我们是来验证真实性
We're not peeking, we're verifying.
好吧不就看一眼么我们有必要花一小时半
Well, did we have to spend an hour and a half
来做有氧运动和健身吗?
doing cardio and weights?
你不觉得邀请一个人来健身房♥
Don't you think it would be a little suspicious
不做运动就直奔桑拿房♥
to invite the guy to the gym,
很可疑吗?
skip the workout, and head right to the sauna?
不会啊我都这么干的
No. That's my normal routine.
菲尔我们一起来健身
Phil, this boys day at the gym
这主意真心不错
was a great idea.
我们应该常来
We should do this more often.
听着既然现在只有我们
So listen, now that it's just us guys,
教教我
tell me...
我该对女人如何是好?
How can I do better with women?
我说真的
I mean, really, really.
我到底如何才能让我
What have I got that's gonna make me stand out
在芸芸众生中脱颖而出?
from the average Joe?
让一个女人情不自禁的 "哇!"
Make a woman really go, "Wow!"
- 我要走了 - 我也是
- I gotta go. - Me too.
你们带他去了桑拿了?
You took him to a sauna?
你怎么知道的?
How'd you find out?
哈斯克的推特上写着呢
Haskell's tweet.
同志们想了解我的行踪
People like to know my whereabouts.
我们想了解到底有多大于是我们现在知道了
Look, we had to know, and now we do.
弱肉强食的世界是会变化的
There's a change in the pecking order.
不是吗老二?
Isn't that right, number two?
- 嗨朋友们 - 嗨斯图尔特
- Hey, guys. - Hey, Stuart.
让小的来给你拎包吧
Ooh, let me get that bag for you.
谢谢哈斯克