婚姻场景（2021）

还喝了酒...
It's the wine and...
我… 我一直睡不着
I just... I haven't been sleeping,
你知道的 从出现伦敦的工作机会开始
you know, since the London offer.
阿克曼给我很大压力
It's just Ackerman's putting so much pressure on me.
的确 是的 没关系 我明白
Sure. Yeah. That's okay. I get it.
你自己开回家没问题吗
Are you okay to drive home?
确定不喝点咖啡吗
You sure you don't want any coffee?
等等 你有事要忙对吧
Wait. You were in the middle of something.
没有 没关系 不要紧 没事
No, it's okay. It's all right. It's all good.
那... 你喝浓缩咖啡 对吧
Wh... So espresso, right?
不用小题大做
Please don't make a big deal out of this.
这跟其他事都没有关系
It has nothing to do with anything.
我… 我想听你说这些
It's just... I wanna hear about it.
只是… 我… 我太累了
It's just my... I'm so... I'm so tired.
精疲力尽了
It's my exhaustion.
不 不 没事 一切都好
No. No. Look, nothing happened. Everything's okay.
但我想… 我想听你
But I wanted... I want you to finish
把剩下的说完 拜托了
what you were telling me, please.
也许你可以读给我听听
I mean, maybe you could read it to me.
读什么
Read what?
是叫"晨报"吧 没记错的话...
The morning papers, I think...
是"晨记" 不 不 不...
Morning pages. No. No, no, the...
这个任务的关键是不能给任何人看
The whole point's that you're not supposed to show anybody.
但是你可以… 读给我听 对吗
Well, but you can just... You can read it to me, okay?
我不会告诉别人你读给我听过 行吗
And I won't tell anyone that you did, okay?
咖啡好了
Here you go.
我不想喝咖啡
I don't want coffee.
拜托读给我听吧 -为什么…
Read to me, please. - Why...
为什么它对你这么重要
Why is this so important to you?
你对我很重要
You're important to me.
我… 我可以自己去拿
I... I could just go get it.
不 好吧 行吧
No. Okay, okay. Fine.
我去拿 -谢谢
I'll get it. - Thank you.
我不确定还能不能
I'm not sure there's much of a chance
认出自己写了些什么
I can read my own handwriting.
要不就读些我今早写的吧
Maybe I'll read you something that I wrote this morning.
我还有点印象
I can still kind of remember it.
好
Okay.
是用第三人称写的
It's written in the third person.
没有来由 就这样写出来了
I don't know why it came out like that. It just did.
但记录的重点是让自己...
The whole point is that you're just supposed to...
顺其自然
to go with the flow.
好
Okay.
"显然 他在那个年纪时
"Apparently, his obsessive rational thinking
对理性思考的迷恋
at that age was only compensation
只是对焦虑的补偿
for all the anxieties.
因为他受到父亲的影响
Because there was the father, this dominant father
父亲的强势给他留下了阴影
casting a shadow over him,
决断的 严格的道德准则
judgmental, with strict moral codes,
他… " 指的是我
and he... "Meaning me.
"努力取悦父亲
"Tried so hard to please this father,
达到父亲的要求
to live up to his standards,
但他总觉得自己失败了
but he always felt like he'd failed,
所以 渐渐地 他形成了这种固化的思维
so that, gradually, he developed this permanent feeling
觉得'我不够好 我不够正派
of 'I'm not good enough, I'm not moral enough,
我太自私自利了'
I'm too egocentric, '
而在他成长的世界里
which, in the world he grew up in,
这是最大的罪恶
is the worst possible sin.
另一方面 他的母亲
And on the other hand, there was the mother,
却总是太软弱 无法对抗强硬的父亲
who was always too weak to face down this tough father.
她自身也充满焦虑
But she was such an anxious person herself
即使和她在一起 这个男孩也无法做自己
that even with her, this boy, he couldn't really be himself,
不能倾诉自己的困境和恐惧
he couldn't share his hardships, his fears,
因为母亲立刻就会不知所措
because she'd immediately get so overwhelmed
她的焦虑只会加重他的不安
that her anxiety would only compound his.
然后 当他意识到没人能真正看见他
And then, when he realized no one actually saw him,
看见他真实的自我
his true self that is,
没人能够帮助他应对他所经历的一切
no one could help him cope with everything he was going through,
他越来越沉溺于自身
he fell deeper and deeper into himself,
把所有的痛苦和焦虑都藏在心里
and kept all of his pain and anxiety inside,
不告诉任何人任何事
and never told anyone anything,
这种内外的割裂
and this split inside him
让他无法长久维持任何一段关系
wouldn't let him truly be in a relationship,
因为他总是隐藏着一部分的自己
because there was always part of him that he kept hidden,
他似乎从未真正到场
he was never fully present,
直到米拉出现了
until Mira showed up.
在某种程度上 米拉看到了他 拯救了他
And to a certain extent, she saved him by seeing him.
有生以来第一次 他觉得是米拉让他
For the first time in his life, he felt like he might be pulled
从固有的孤独中解脱了
out of the inherent loneliness.
但直到她离开后 他才意识到
But only after she left did he realize how,
即使和她在一起 他也无法全身投入
even with her, he was there-not-there,
要她经历这些 一定很煎熬吧
and how hard it must have been to live with this,
和一个总是自我放逐 不可完全了解的人
with someone who was always partly somewhere else,
一起生活
inside his own head,
她感到孤独 受到冷落
how that could make her feel lonely and unseen.
意识到这一点 他接受了米拉离开的事实
And this realization helped him deal with her leaving him,
他明白了这一切
to make sense of it,
他也不再错误地认为
and that disabused him of the idea
自己是某种无妄之灾的受害者"
that he'd been a victim of some kind of sudden cataclysm."
操
Fuck.
停下
Stop.
这样不好 -什么
This isn't good. - What?
这样不好
It's not good.
我不… 我不想这样 我不想和你上♥床♥
I don't... I don't want this. I don't wanna sleep with you.
这样对我不好
It's not good for me.
我花了很长时间才适应现在的生活
It took me a really long time to get where I am right now.
我不想...
I don't wanna...
我他妈不想再经历以前的痛苦了
I don't want to go back to that fucking torment.
不要
No.
我真的...
I just don't...
我不认为你真的能明白
I don't think you actually really understand
一年前的事对我意味着什么
what it was like for me here a year ago.
我想知道 告诉我吧 和我说说
I wanna know. Tell me. Tell me.
你真的想听吗 -嗯
Do you really? - Yes.
刚发生的时候...
That first moment, I was...
我就像是行尸走肉
I was just on autopilot.
我叫醒艾娃 给她穿好衣服
I woke Ava up, I got her dressed,
开车送她去学前班
I dropped her off at preschool,
我把自己的课都停了 回了家
and I canceled all my classes, and then I came back home.
然后我意识到 我可能真的疯了
And I thought I was literally losing my mind.
又有某一瞬间 我发现
Then there was a moment where I thought
我根本不想活在世界上
that I didn't even want to stay alive.
我确信有很多时刻
There was lots of moments where I was sure
我都不希望你活着
I didn't want you to stay alive.
就是 我真的希望你死掉
Like, I really wanted you to die.
不光这样...
And then there was...
某一刻我也希望艾娃死掉
there was a moment when I wanted Ava to die.
作为我对你的复仇
For that to be my revenge.
但那一晚 她开始疯狂咳嗽
And then that night, she started coughing like crazy.
咳得太厉害 以至于吐了出来
And at one point, she threw up from coughing so much.
烧到了40度
And then she spiked a fever of 104
我不知道该不该带她去急诊室
and I wasn't sure if I should take her to the emergency room.
所以我把她放进了浴缸里
That's why I ended up putting her in a bathtub.
高烧持续了一整夜 我快吓到没命了
And that lasted all night, and I was scared to death.
我以为我会害死她
I thought I'd killed her.
整整三天后 抗生素才开始起作用
And it took three days for the antibiotics to kick in.
这就是场噩梦
And that was a nightmare, but it was also the best thing
但却是不幸中的万幸
that could happen to me because I didn't have
因为我没时间关注自身 我几乎没睡
a second to myself, I barely slept.
然后在周末 你回来了
And then you came back on the weekend