糟糕历史：油炸叔精选版（2011）

恐怖都铎 华丽乔治*
*Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians
卑劣斯图亚特 邪恶维多利亚*
*Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians
悲惨战役 凶残争斗*
*Woeful wars, ferocious fights
昏暗古堡 英勇骑士*
*Dingy castles, daring knights
恐怖难以言表*
*Horrors that defy description
凶狠凯尔特 可怕古埃及*
*Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians
凶残维京 冷血罪行 远古的惩罚*
*Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes, punishment from ancient times
罗马人 堕落恶心又冷血*
*Romans, rotten, rank, and ruthless
穴居人 野蛮残酷不长牙*
*Caveman, savage, fierce and toothless
绝妙古希腊 聪明大圣人*
*Groovy Greeks, brainy sages
卑鄙又卑微 就是中世纪*
*Mean and measly Middle Ages
血腥故事无限多*
*Gory stories we supply
且听油炸叔对你说*
*And your host is Stephen Fry
历史不再是个谜*
*The past is no longer a mystery
欢迎收看*
*Welcome to
糟糕历史
油炸叔精选版 第二集
大家好 欢迎收看《糟糕历史》
Hello and welcome to Horrible Histories
这个节目找到了
The show that identifies
所有重要的历史事件
the wider context of important historical eras
之后直接扔在一边
and then throws that away
只留下最肮脏 最愚蠢 最血腥的部分
leaving only the smelliest silliest, goriest bits
或者按照我们的说法
or as we like to call it
精华
the good stuff!
可悲的二战
德占法国
你是索菲特工吗
Are you Agent Sophie
正是本人
Yes I'm she.
索菲特工 欢迎来到法国
Agent Sophie, welcome to France.
我是克劳德 你在法国抵抗组织的联♥系♥人
I am Claude, your contact in the French Resistance.
你有情报要给我 是吧
I understand you have some instructions for me?
当然 在我箱子里
Yes, they are in my suitcase.
给你
Here you go.
等等
Wait a minute.
你大老远跑到德占法国
You come all the way to German-occupied France
就是告诉我该洗脸刷牙了
to tell me I need a wash and to brush my teeth?
当然不是 虽然你确实...
No, of course not. Although...
秘密情报
The secret instructions
就藏在肥皂和牙膏里
are hidden inside the soap and toothpaste.
它们写在丝绸上
They are written on silk.
真聪明
Oh, this is very clever.
如果德国人搜你的箱子
So, if the Germans search your suitcase,
他们什么都找不到
they won't find anything.
-有才 -我们同意
- Ingenious. - We thought so.
告诉我
So tell me
这些东西里 你们又藏了什么
what do you have hidden inside these things?
梳子里有备用的钱
The hairbrush contains spare money
奶酪里是法国地图
and the chess set has a map of France in it
以防我迷路
just in case if I lose my way.
都是真实的二战间谍装备
牛啊
Amazing!
你们英国的秘密特工在东西里
You British secret agents have so many things
又藏了这么多别的东西 太棒了
hidden inside other things. It is wonderful!
看你还带了晚饭
Oh, I see you have also brought some dinner
这是什么
and what's this?
一瓶葡萄酒
Oh-la-la! A bottle of wine.
别别别别 轻拿轻放
No, no, no, no. Be careful with that.
实际上它是个炸♥弹♥
The wine is actually a bomb.
当然 我应该想到的
Of course it is. I should have guessed.
照这样说的话
Next, you'll be telling me that
这条鱼里还藏了把机关枪呢
you have hidden a machine-gun inside this fish.
没错 很明显吗
Yes. Is it that obvious?
我得让伦敦的那帮科学家改进一下
I'll have to tell the boffins in London to work on that.
他们真的很有才
They really are geniuses, you know.
甚至能把地雷伪装成动物的粪
They've even made mines that look like animal poo.
你想告诉我
Ah, so you are telling me,
这坨牛粪实际上是颗地雷
this cow pat is actually a landmine?
甚至闻起来也很像
Oh, it even smells like the real thing.
不不不 这就是牛粪
No, no, no, that is a cowpat.
那个不是我带来的
I didn't bring that with me.
麻烦你把肥皂递给我一下
Will you pass me the soap, please?
伪装当然要适应环境
Of course, camouflage had to be adapted to suit the environment.
比如在北非
In North Africa, for example,
地雷就做成骆驼粪的样子
mines were disguised to look like camel dung.
不仅是在法国和北非
Anyway, it wasn't just France and North Africa.
整个欧洲
All over Europe,
人们想尽千方百计 推♥翻♥纳粹的暴♥政♥
strategies were devised to undermine the Nazi offensive.
甚至已经被抓的人 也能做出贡献
Even those who had been captured were doing their bit.
德军战俘营
希金斯少校来了 少校先生
Squadron Leader Higgins, Herr Commandant.
少校 我们又见面了
Ah, Squadron Leader, we meet again.
我们之前见过吗
Oh, have we met before?
没有 我只是喜欢自己说这话时的腔调
No, I just like the way I sound when I say that.
我是克林斯曼少校
I'm Commandant Klinsmann,
这座战俘营的新头头
the new head of this prisoner of war camp
希望你能享受第23次逃跑
and I hope you enjoyed your brief taste of freedom
带来的短暂的自♥由♥
your 23rd escape
因为这将是最后一次
because it will be your last.
天呐
Oh, dear.
我已经在这里 这里和这里
I have positioned additional guards
布置了额外的看守
here, here and here,
逃跑已经不再可...
making escape virtually impossi-...
他去哪了
Where did he go?
他又跑了
He's done it again.
派一百名士兵去抓少校
Send 100 troops to find Squadron Lea-...
行动取消
Cancel that.
希金斯少校回来了 少校先生
Squadron Leader Higgins, Herr Commandant.
少校 我们又见面了
Ah, Squadron Leader, we meet again.
-我们不是才说过吗 -闭嘴
- Are we not counting just now? - Shut up!
不要以为我不知道你那点心眼
Don't think I don't know what your game is here.
你们英国♥军♥官按照上级指示一次次逃跑
You British officers are under orders to keep trying to escape
结果我们德国士兵就得浪费时间去抓你们
which means that our German soldiers spend their time chasing you down
而无暇顾及战争
rather than fighting this war.
再也不会这样了 现在是我管着你
Not any more! I'm in charge you now.
你会发现
And you will find that
我后脑勺上也长着眼睛
I have eyes in the back of my head. He-he!
他跑哪去了 什么
Now where did he go? What..?
派三百名士兵去抓少校
Send 300 soldiers to find Squadron Leader...
行动取消
Cancel that.
希金斯少校又来了 少校先生
Squadron Leader Higgins, Herr Commandant.
我们又见面了
So, we meet again?
不准抢戏 这是我的台词
Don't say that! I say that!
给我找个好点的理由
Give me one good reason
为什么我现在不一枪崩了你
why I shouldn't shoot you on the spot?
因为《日内瓦公约》
Because the Geneva Convention
规定你们不能枪毙军官
means you can't shoot officers.
禁止枪毙被俘军官
你说得对 刚才忘了
Yes, forgot about that.
对了 我明白了
Ah, yes, I see
你想偷走我的钥匙
you would like to get hold of my keys, yes?
小子给我记住
Let me tell you something.
世界上有两件事绝对不可能发生
There are two things in this world that will never happen.
第一 你们绝对不会赢得这场战争
One, you will never win this war.
第二 你的爪子绝对碰不到我的钥匙
And two, you will never get your hands on my keys.
他们赢了 我们投降了
They have won the war! We have surrendered!
大伙各自逃命去吧
Every man for himself!
好吧 这把钥匙是开前门的
Right, this one's for the front door.
打开毫不费劲
It's quite easy.
这把是开后门的
This one's for the back gate.
有点容易卡着
It's a little bit sticky.
你插♥进♥去可得扭一扭
You might have to wiggle it a bit.
许多不断试图逃脱的盟军士兵
Lots of the allied soldiers who kept escaping
被转移到了古老的德国城♥堡♥ 科尔迪兹
were moved to the old German castle, Colditz,
那本该是一座防逃堡垒