糟糕历史：油炸叔精选版（2011）

国家分成了两拨儿
the country divides in two,
一部分 也就是保皇党 拥护查理
with some people siding with Charlie - the Cavaliers
而其他人 圆颅党 选择拥护国会
and others siding with Parliament - that's the Roundheads.
直到16♥4♥2年 内战在诺丁汉爆发了
Until in 16♥4♥2, here in Nottingham, Civil War is declared,
那叫个战火纷飞啊
and what a war it is!
让我们来看看战时局势表
In fact, if we look at the fight-o-meter,
我们看到第一场主要战役
we can see the first major battle,
发生在边山 胜利者是 谁都不是
Edgehill, victory goes to no-one at all.
很无趣啊 双方不分上下
Very dull, it's a dead heat.
不过第二回合 伦敦之战 获胜的是
But in round two, here in London, the winner is...
圆颅党大获全胜 紧跟着
Oh, a great result for the Roundheads there, followed by...
保皇党在西南部大获全胜
a real killing for the Cavaliers done in the West Country.
保皇军北上又取得了各种胜利
And then another win for the King up North,
一举拿下博尔顿 普勒斯顿
taking Bolton, Preston,
威根和利物浦
Wigan and Liverpool,
我表哥泰德正好
where my cousin Ted runs
在那儿的商业大街开了个干洗店
a dry-cleaner's just off the High Street,
泰德·黑尔干洗店 周三衬衫半价优♥惠♥
周三衬衫半价优♥惠♥ 值得一试
half-price shirts on Wednesdays - worth remembering.
但是国王的好运很快到头了
But the King's luck can't last.
保皇党的鲜血溅满了马斯顿荒原
It's complete murder at Marston Moor,
接连着在纽伯里和纳斯比也惨遭歼灭
followed by a knockout at Newbury and annihilation at Naseby.
这仗打得真太烂了 把咱的表都弄坏了
In fact, he's doing so badly, he's broken our thingy!
不过查理王想了个法子
But Charlie has an idea.
他和苏格兰军协商休战
He'll make a truce with the Scots
条件是他们答应帮他对抗圆颅党
if they'll help him fight the Roundheads,
聪明绝顶啊
which is absolutely brilliant.
只不过没起作用
Except it doesn't work at all
他们把国王绑了 送给了国会
and they just hand him over to Parliament. Whoops!
所以说圆颅党胜 保皇党败
So the Roundheads win, the Cavaliers lose,
内战到此为止
and that is the end of that.
和平没持续多久 人们很快发现
But not for long. It soon becomes clear
圆颅党的首领奥利弗·克伦威尔
that the Roundhead leader, Oliver Cromwell,
像臭荨麻内♥裤♥一样没意思
is about as much fun as stinging nettle underpants,
于是苏格兰军最终和查理建立了联盟
so the Scots finally form an alliance with Charlie
要推♥翻♥克伦威尔
to overthrow Cromwell.
没错 这就是第二场内战
Yes, it's Civil War Part Two.
苏格兰人和保皇党同仇敌忾
With the Scots and the Cavaliers fighting on the same side,
理应战无不胜
there's no way they can lose.
这只是我们的一厢情愿
Or so we thought.
没错 克伦威尔完全粉碎了两军的进攻
Yes, Cromwell completely crushes both of them
永别了 内战
and it's goodbye civil war,
永别了 查理的人头
goodbye Charlie's head,
永别了 王公贵族们
and goodbye kings and queens altogether.
没错 克伦威尔现在掌控了整个国家
Yes, Cromwell is now in charge of the country.
随着战事告捷
And with all the warring over,
奥利不再挤兑保皇党了
Olly can stop being mean to the Cavaliers
而是开始挤兑全国所有人
and start being mean to the rest of us.
他把英国变成了清教♥徒♥的天下
He turns Britain into a puritan state,
禁止了几乎所有的娱乐
which means banning pretty much anything fun,
包括体育运动 剧院表演和圣诞节
including sport, theatre and Christmas.
直到最后没东西可以取缔了
And then he runs out of stuff to ban,
他闲得发慌 病死了
gets bored and dies.
于是他的儿子理查德即位了
So his son Richard takes over,
但是他就像果冻锄头那样外强中干
but he's about as much use as a jelly pickaxe.
覆盆子酸橙混合口味
没过多久 英国人♥民♥
Before long, the people of Britain
就想赶走清教♥徒♥们 疯狂的国王回归了
just want the petty puritans out and the crazy kings back.
没错 人们热烈欢迎查尔斯王子回来
Yes, Prince Charles is welcomed home with open arms.
他成了查理二世 君主制复辟了
He becomes King Charles II and the monarchy is restored!
这就是王政复辟
It's the Restoration,
所有的乐子也跟着回来了 包括
which gives us all sorts of fun things - including
复辟喜剧 时装 和家具
Restoration comedies, Restoration fashion, Restoration furniture.
也包括这件赏心悦目的红木衣柜
Including this delightful mahogany bureau.
出价七百五十镑
750 for the bureau?
后排出价七百五十英镑
750 at the back.
有人出价八百英镑 八百镑一次
I've got 800 for the bureau. Going once at 800.
九百镑 后排出价九百英镑 九百五
900 for the bureau, 900 at the back. 950 at the back.
有人出价一千英镑
I've got 1,000 pounds.
一千英镑一次 两次
Once at 1,000, twice...
一千英镑成交
Sold for 1000 pounds to the
衣柜归这位美丽的波波头小姐了
beautiful lady with a beautiful bob haircut.
画面交还给你 萨姆
Back to you, Sam.
卑劣的斯图亚特王朝
在法国流亡了十一年之后
After 11 years in exile in France,
查理二世于1661年的圣乔治日
Charles II was crowned in
[圣乔治日即4月23日]
在威斯敏斯特教堂接受加冕
Westminster Abbey on St George's Day, 1661.
聚会开始
Party on!
朕的名字是 朕的名字是*
*My name is, my name is
朕的名字是 查理二世*
*My name is...Charles II
朕爱人人啊人人爱朕*
*I love the people and the people love me
爱朕爱到让朕复辟*
*So much that they restored the English monarchy
朕有苏格兰 法国 意大利血统*
*I'm part Scottish, French, Italian
还带点儿丹麦风*
*A little bit Dane
绝对纯正聚会狂*
*But 100% party animal
来点儿香槟*
*Champagne
朕心爱的猎犬也以朕命名*
*Spaniels, I adore, named after me too
像朕一样顶着萌发型*
*Like me, they were fun with a natty hairdo
今乃朕生辰 回忆不起来*
*Is today my birthday? I can't recall
聚会照样开 舞会朕所爱*
*Let's have a party anyway because I love a masked ball
让我们欢呼 耀眼的 吾王*
*All hail, the King of bling
让我们歌♥唱 铃儿响 叮当*
*Let's sing! Bells ring! Ding ding
朕乃英君 把聚会解禁*
*I'm the king who brought back partying
父王丢王位 国无君主制*
*King Charles, my daddy, lost his throne, and kings were banned
脑袋搬了家 奥利掌权势*
*They chopped off his head, then Olly Cromwell ruled the land
奥利不欢庆 阴郁又狂妄*
*Old Olly wasn't jolly. He was glum, and he was proud
如罪孽般痛苦 但罪孽不合法*
*Would be miserable as sin. Only sinning's not allowed
人死众齐喊 查理我心肝*
*When Olly died, the people said "Charlie, me hearty"
峻法抛脑后 一起来狂欢*
*Get rid of his dull laws! Come back, we'd rather party
这就是人所称的君主制复辟*
*This action's what they called the Monarchy Restoration
想当然紧跟着有一场大趴体*
*Which naturally was followed by a huge celebration
我大英 好国王*
*The King of Eng
无罪恶 要歌♥唱*
*No sin! To sing
没问题 都可以*
*OK! Or anything
朕乃英君 把聚会解禁*
*All say, I'm the King who brought back partying
伦敦大火真疯狂*
*Great London Fire was a whopper
烧得首都遍地荒*
*In my reign London city came a cropper
事实证明朕真乃明君贤主*
*So this king did what was right and proper
能歌♥善舞还懂得治火安邦*
*Fought the fire proved I'm more than a bopper
朕乃灭火勇士*
*I'm a fire stopper
朕妻凯瑟琳 爱人奉真心*
*Married Catherine Braganza. She was a love so true
永无人取代 或许一俩亲*
*There would never be another. Well, maybe one or two
露西·沃尔特 内尔·格温*
*Lucy Walter, Nell Gwyn
莫尔·戴维斯 芭芭拉·维利尔斯*
*Moll Davis, Barbara Villiers
此名不悦耳 名傻还有她*
*You think that's bad but her name's not as silly as
霍顿斯·曼奇尼*
*Hortense Mancini
身为国之主 着实太花心*
*As King, I must admit I broke the wedding rules
不过谁介意 帝制为我功*
*But who cares when I brought back the Crown Jewels
圣诞美红妆 体育戏剧忙*
*I reinstated Christmas, makeup, sport and even plays
朕乃快活君 美好旧时光*
*I was the Merry Monarch. They were good old days
说得好听 做得顺心*
*Well said and done
查理国王美名传 快乐统治英格兰*
*King Charles. Did run England for fun
朕乃英主人人爱 欢歌♥笑语停这边*
*I was the King loved by everyone. My song is done
来聚会吗
Party, anyone?
邪恶的维多利亚时代
维多利亚版 龙穴
您正在收看的是维多利亚版龙穴
This is Victorian Dragon's Den.
时处维多利亚时代 工业蓬勃发展
It's Victorian Britain, an age of enterprise and industry
许多伟大的发明都在此时
when many great inventions were, well,
被发明家们发明出来
invented by inventors.
那么今晚的参赛者
So, can any of tonight's candidates
能否说服龙头们资助他们的发明呢
convince the Dragons to put money behind their ideas?