糟糕历史：油炸叔精选版（2011）

ALIENS!
不 不是 是更多的病菌
No, no, no, just even more germs,
这次是来自欧洲的疾病
diseases from Europe this time.
天花 这可惹出了大♥麻♥烦
Smallpox in fact, which should've been go Big Pox,
因为它杀死太多印加人了
because it killed so many Incans.
从走出洞穴到成长为庞大帝国
So, after going from one tiny cave to an entire empire,
至此 印加文明毁灭于
the Incans people are all but wiped out
西班牙征服者的贪婪掠夺
by a combination of Spanish greediness,
自身较弱的体质和无药可救的可怕瘟疫
Incan weediness, wheezes, sneezes and diseases.
和其他什么膝盖 租约 海风
Not by knobbly knees-es, short-term leases, ceaseless sea breezes,
寒冬 日本或奶酪拼盘一点关系都没有
winter freezes, the Japanese-es or this selection of Greek cheeses,
包括这块羊乳酪 我对这东西严重过敏
including this crumbly feta to which, I am horribly allergic.
其实我没事
Oh, no, I'm fine actually.
不对 我有事
Oh, no, I'm not!
最野蛮的印加君主名叫帕查库提
One of the most brutal Incan emperors was Pachacuti
他发现死去的敌人依然有很多绝妙的用处
and he found some very creative uses for dead enemies.
帕查库提 印加之王*
*I'm Pachacuti - the Incan Lord
鼎鼎大名 威震四方*
*All other tribes dreaded
我名意为 震撼世界*
*My name means "He who shakes the earth"
这可不是 自大嚣张*
*Not that I'm bigheaded
说起征服邻邦*
*When it comes to claiming nearby lands
都是小菜一碟*
*I was the type to risk it
利用死去敌人*
*But it's how I treat dead enemies
绝对大开眼界*
*That really took the biscuit
头骨当酒杯
帕查库提独创*
*Do the Pachacuti
牙齿整副取
帕查库提独创*
*Do the Pachacuti
拿来做项链
帕查库提独创*
*Do the Pachacuti
臂骨做长笛
帕查库提*
*Pachacuti
有次在个山坡上*
*Once on a hillside my troops hid
埋伏战前士兵藏*
*To cause a rival strife
士兵突然跳起来*
*And when they jumped out it looked like
岩石变人敌心慌*
*The ground had come to life
岩石亦遵我命令*
*The rocks they are my warriors
吹个小牛骗敌人*
*I then used to boast
撒个小谎确有用*
*And that little lie helped us win wars
暴♥力♥确保仗能赢*
*But violence helped the most
头骨当酒杯
帕查库提独创*
*Do the Pachacuti
牙齿整副取
帕查库提独创*
*Do the Pachacuti
拿来做项链
帕查库提独创*
*Do the Pachacuti
臂骨做长笛
帕查库提*
*Pachacuti
敌方首领命更惨*
*If you were a rival chief
杀了你可不算完*
*We'd kill you first and then
把你做成稻草人*
*We'd stuff you like a scarecrow
杀鸡儆猴给人看*
*But one for scaring men
你的手指瘦如柴*
*Then we'd rest your bony fingers on
肚皮撑紧放上来*
*The stretched skin of your belly
清风吹过手指摇*
*And in the breeze they'd tap that tum
好像敲鼓味道怪*
*Like a drummer...but more smelly
头骨当酒杯
帕查库提独创*
*Do the Pachacuti
牙齿整副取
帕查库提独创*
*Do the Pachacuti
皮肤做鼓面
帕查库提独创*
*Do the Pachacuti
欢乐无极限
帕查库提*
*Pachacuti
帕查库提最伟大的成就
Pachacuti's greatest achievement
是修建了壮丽的秘鲁城市
was the magnificent Peruvian city,
马丘比丘 这座城市建于山脊之上
Machu Picchu, built on top of a mountain ridge
高于海平面近2500米
nearly 2,500 metres above sea level.
它从未被西班牙征服者发现
It was never found by the Spanish Conquistadores,
因此直到今日仍保持着完好的形态
so it remains in good condition to this day,
安然地躺在旅行大巴的尾气之中
safely preserved under a layer of soot from all the tourist buses.
可怕的一战
第一次世界大战的起因十分简单
The origins of the so-called Great War are really simple.
《每日新闻》费迪南德大公被杀 英国随时准备开战
才怪 其实很复杂 非常复杂
No, they're complicated, really complicated,
说起复杂的程度 那真是绝无仅有
and by really complicated, I mean really complicated.
所以 注意啦 将军 交给你啦
So pay attention. Over to you, General.
先生们
Gentlemen,
我们正面临一个艰难的抉择 非常艰难
we face a most difficult decision, most difficult.
英军司令部
-天哪 -没错 要茶还是咖啡
- Oh, dear, sir. - Yes, now, tea or coffee?
-确实不好选 -不是说这个 蠢材
- Right, Sir. That is difficult. - That's not the decision, you fool!
不是吗 长官
Isn't it, sir?
不是 我们面临的抉择比那困难多了
No, we face a much more difficult decision than that.
先生们 世界大战要来了
Gentlemen, we are facing a Great War.
-战争 -没错 战争
- War! - Yes, war.
-为什么 -为什么要打仗
- Why? - Why war?
因为在波斯尼亚
Because an Austrian
有个奥地利人被一个塞尔维亚人杀了
has been killed by a Serb, in Bosnia.
-那意味着要打仗 -好的 明白了
- And that means war. - Right. I see.
-长官 -什么事 马尔崔福斯
- Sir? - Yes, Meltravers?
为什么奥地利人
Why does an Austrian being
在波斯尼亚被塞尔维亚人杀死
killed by a Serb in Bosnia
就意味着打仗 长官
mean war, sir?
因为俄♥国♥
Because of Russia!
为什么呢
Why?
因为俄♥国♥支持塞尔维亚
Because Russia supports Serbia
而奥地利支持波斯尼亚 依此类推
and Austria supports Bosnia, and so on.
我支持阿森纳
I support Arsenal.
[英超足球俱乐部]
闭嘴 布伦金索普
Shut up, Blenkinsop.
所以奥地利人在波斯尼亚
So, an Austrian has been killed
被塞尔维亚人所杀
by a Serbian in Bosnia,
就导致奥地利可能侵略塞尔维亚
which means Austria might invade Serbia,
然后俄♥国♥就可能入侵奥地利
and then Russia will invade Austria?
没错 还有问题吗
Correct! Any questions?
是的 长官
Yes, sir.
又怎么了 马尔崔福斯
What is it, Meltravers?
这关英国什么事 长官
How does this involve Britain, sir?
马尔崔福斯 谁是你最好的朋友
Well, Meltravers, who do say is your best friend?
布伦金索普 长官 他可是个好小伙
Oh! Blenkinsop, sir. He's a spiffing fellow.
如果我一拳打在布伦金索普鼻子上
If I were to punch Blenkinsop in the nose,
你觉得你会怎么做
what do you think you would do?
没人打了布伦金索普还能安然无恙
Well! Nobody punches Blenkinsop and gets away with it!
谢啦 老伙计
Thanks, old bean!
没错 没错
Exactly, exactly.
如果俄♥国♥威胁到奥地利
So, Russia threatens Austria,
奥地利的盟友就会提供帮助
Austria's best friend will offer support.
奥地利的盟友是哪个
And who is Austria's best friend?
不是布伦金索普吧
Not Blenkinsop?
不是 是德国
No, Germany!
德国是奥地利的盟友 马尔崔福斯
Germany is Austria's best friend, Meltravers.
奥地利和德国坐在树上
Austria and Germany sitting in a tree,
你侬我侬玩亲亲
K-I-S-S-I-N-G!
没错 如果俄♥国♥出兵攻打奥地利
Yes! So, if Russia were to attack Austria,
德国就会反♥攻♥俄♥国♥
Germany would attack Russia.
但是这会造成德国其他地区防守缺失
But that would leave Germany undefended on the other side.
因此 如果德国要攻打俄♥国♥的话
So! If Germany were to attack Russia,
它就不得不同时进攻法国
she would also have to attack France.
-法国 -没错 就是法国
- France? - Yes, France.
如果德国真的和法国开战
And if Germany were to attack France,
比利时就会陷入危险
it would leave Belgium threatened.
比利时可是我们的铁哥们
And Belgium is our friend.
所以 我们要义无反顾地保卫它
So, we would hop in there to defend them.
所以说 这就是我们
So, we've all got to go
被扯进这场战争的原因吗 长官
and fight in a war because of that, sir?
没错 马尔崔福斯
Yes, Meltravers.
我可能会因此送命的 长官
Well, I might get killed, sir!
的确有可能 马尔崔福斯