糟糕历史：油炸叔精选版（2011）

That's all we have time for this week,
感谢来宾 佩里格林·索罗古德将军
so a big thanks to my guests - General Peregrine Thorogood...
还有我 贾斯珀·马斯基林
And me, Jasper Maskelyne,
幻觉大♥师♥
Master of Illusion!
天呐 他去哪里了
Good Heavens! Where has he gone?
明显他只是蹲在下面了 不是吗
Well, he's clearly just down there, isn't he?
你为什么要这么做
Why would you do that?
-你为什么要 -这不是魔术
- Why would you? - It's not magic.
你明显仅仅是躲到桌子下面了
You've clearly just gone down below the desk.
你把事情全搞砸了 真是的
You've just ruined it for everyone, very well.
腐朽古罗马
所有伟人都有自己的天敌
Every brilliant man has his Nemesis.
[特洛伊王子 与阿喀琉斯决斗死在对方手里]
赫克托尔的天敌是阿喀琉斯
Hector had Achilles.
[滑铁卢战役中 拿破仑输给了惠灵顿公爵]
拿破仑的天敌是惠灵顿
Napoleon had Wellington.
老艾玛的天敌是兔八哥
Elmer Fudd had Bugs Bunny.
尤利乌斯·恺撒的大敌是
Well, Julius Caesar's arch-enemy
高卢人领袖 维钦托利
was the Gallic Chieftain, Vercingetorix.
罗马
Rome--
一个诞生自恐惧 火灾
an Empire born through fear, fire,
优良的排水设施和战争中的帝国
good plumbing and war!
尤利乌斯·恺撒
Julius Caesar
一位所向披靡的罗马将领
an invincible Roman general
拥有最强的军队和举世仅有的大鼻子
with the greatest army and nose the world has ever seen.
唯一能够阻挡他道路的人
And the one man who could stand in his way--
维钦托利
Vercingetorix,
高卢部落起义军的领袖
leader of the Gaulish hordes.
真是要命 人家扎着辫子依旧很硬汉
So deadly, he could wear pigtails and still look hard.
我们已经掌握了罗马战术
我们已经集♥合♥了全体高卢战士备战
还都编起了小辫子
是举起反抗大旗的时候了
我绝不允许这个无♥耻♥的高卢人
I will not have this impudent Gaul
挑衅我大罗马帝国的权威
defy the might of Rome.
我们将在他的首都阿瓦利肯摧毁他
We will crush him in his capital city of Avaricum.
他攻不破我们的城墙的
他试图焚烧我们的城墙
我们便用石头筑墙
如果他想捣碎我们的石墙
我们会开沟挖渠
他若在沟渠中布满圆木
我们就在地底下挖掘隧♥道♥给他们放火
若他
总之 你懂的
Well, you get the idea.
凯撒大帝准备好接受他的首次败北了吗
Is mighty Caesar set for his first-ever defeat?
怎么着 下雨了
我们高卢人才不在雨中战斗 咱回去
阿瓦利肯之战 即将开始
The Battle of Avaricum -- coming soon.
结局可能有点水水的
The ending might be a bit of a wash-out.
经过二十五天激烈的反抗
After 25 days of intense resistance,
高卢人从他们的哨所中逃走了
the Gauls ran away from their sentry posts,
因为一场暴风雨
because of a storm.
他们觉得暴风雨是上帝给他们的预警
They thought that the rain was a bad omen from the gods
天空将会崩塌砸在他们的脑袋上
and that the sky was going to fall on their heads.
凯撒借口打赢了高卢人和不列颠人
Caesar used his triumph over the Gauls and the Britons
使自己成为了罗马统治者
as a pretext to make himself ruler of Rome.
但他的自负与他的帝国一样迅速膨胀起来
But his ego expanded as fast as his empire
他还结下了一些危险的仇敌
and he made some dangerous enemies.
绳之以法
公元前版
大家好 欢迎收看《公元前版绳之以法》
Hello, and welcome to another Crimewatch BC.
小柯丝蒂
本周首先向您介绍一起发生在
We start this week with a murder which took place
古罗马中心的谋杀案
right in the centre of Ancient Rome.
被害人是 尤利乌斯·凯撒
The victim was this man-- Julius Caesar,
他是一位战士和政客
a soldier and politician
并于最近成为了罗马的终身独♥裁♥者
who was recently made dictator of Rome for life.
凯撒先生似乎早已知道自己会遭人毒手
It seems Mr. Caesar may have known he was a possible target.
我丈夫凯撒被杀害的那天早晨
On the morning that my husband Caesar was murdered,
凯撒夫人
我劝他别去元老院
I had warned him not to go the Senate.
所有的征兆都很不好 非常非常不好
All the omens were bad, they were really bad.
别去 凯撒 我不想让你去
Don't go, Caesar! I don't want you to go!
情景重现
几个星期之前
A few weeks ago,
一只鸟飞进了元老院 衔着一片月桂叶
a bird flew into the Senate House with a laurel leaf in its beak.
-那又怎样 -这是个警告
- So what? - Well, it's a warning!
警告鸟会在人头上拉便便吧
What, a warning that it might poo on someone's head?
不是 预示着有人会被杀掉的
No, it's a warning that someone's going to get killed.
一个头戴月桂叶皇冠的人
Someone wearing a crown of laurel leaves on their head.
封建迷信 一派胡言
That is just superstitious nonsense!
我不想让你去
I don't want you to go!
我有预感将会发生非常不好的事情
I've got a feeling something really bad's going to happen.
好吧 也许你是对的
Oh, yeah. Maybe you're right.
也许要发生非常非常不好的事情 是的
Maybe something really, really bad is going to happen. Yes.
瞧
Oh, look!
确实发生了 好了 回见
It just did! Brilliant. See you later.
凯撒无视不祥的征兆 还是去了元老院
Caesar ignored the bad omens and went to the Senate House anyway.
3月15日 他于光天化日之下遭人谋杀
He was murdered there in broad daylight, on the 15th March.
情景重现
-接招吧 凯撒 -你捅的是我
- Take that, Caesar! - Ow, that's me you're stabbing!
我不知道是你 我就看到袍子了
Well, I don't know, all I can see is togas!
-又捅我一次 -抱歉
- Ow, you did it again! - Sorry!
案发现场的一位目击人
I have with me in the studio
今天也来到了演播室
a man who saw the whole thing happen.
你觉得为何会有如此多的人刺杀凯撒
So, why do you think so many people stabbed Caesar?
凶手们觉得大家一起动手
The murderers thought if lots of them stabbed him,
责任就可以平摊了
it would be everyone's responsibility,
我们都在一条船上
we'd be in it together.
抱歉 他们 他们都在一条船上
Sorry. They! They'd all be in it together.
知道他们这样做的目的吗
Any idea why they did it?
我听说他们觉得凯撒拥有的权力过多
Well, I'm told because they thought Caesar had too much power
竟然还想称王 所以凯撒必死
and wanted to be a king, so Caesar had to die!
可能有人是这么想的
Or, that's what some people thought, anyway.
我得记着要把自己清理干净
Must remember to do the washing up.
来到演播室的还有
Also with me in the studio is
负责追捕谋杀凯撒凶手的
the man leading the hunt for Caesar's murderers
马克·安东尼参议员
Senator Mark Antony.
参议员 现在我们对凶手有什么了解
Now, Senator, what do we know about the murderers?
柯丝蒂 我们可以确定他们的身份
Well, Kirsty, one thing we do know is their identities.
卡斯卡和泽姆贝尔
There's Casca and Cimber,
元凶是布鲁图斯和卡西乌斯
and there's the ringleaders, Brutus and Cassius.
你知道凶手 接下来要怎么做
So, you know who did it? What next?
我们很想跟他们谈谈 就随便聊聊
Well, we'd very much like to speak to them - just a little chat,
-看看他们能不能协助调查 -真的
- see if they can assist us in our enquiries. - Really?
假的 我们打算处决他们并烧毁房♥子
No, we want to kill them and burn down their houses,
但是我不想大庭广众下这么说
but I don't want to say that in public,
怕他们逃跑了
in case they run away.
回见
See you!
我怎么就管不住这张嘴啊 我去追他了
Me and my big mouth. I should probably run after him.
快去吧
Go.
华丽的乔治王朝
乔治王朝先后有四位乔治国王
The Georgian era actually covered four King Georges
和一位威廉国王
and one King William,
他很悲惨地没有拥有自己的威廉王朝
who sadly didn't get his own Williamian era.
现在看来 著名的疯子国王乔治三世
The famous madness of King George III
患有的应该是躁郁症
is now thought to have been manic depression -
即双相情感障碍
bipolar disorder.
他的医生对缓解他的病情
A condition which was helped and managed by his doctors
没有起到任何作用
in no way, whatsoever.
御医来了 陛下
The Royal Doctor, Your Majesty.
医生 我不用看医生
Doctor? I don't need a doctor.
我正跟这位普鲁士大使说
I was just telling the Prussian Ambassador here...
那是盆栽 陛下
That is a pot plant, Your Majesty.
对啊 是的
Oh, yes. So it is.
我正跟这个盆栽说
Well, as I was just telling this pot plant here,
我觉得自己有点像瑞典猪
I feel as fit as a pig in Sweden.
抓住病人
Seize the patient!
你们在做什么
What are you doing?
放开我 你们这些恶棍
Unhand me, you knaves!
恐怕陛下已经疯得很厉害了
I'm afraid His Majesty is quite mad!
疯 我是在发火