糟糕历史：油炸叔精选版（2011）

也有人说一张神秘的字条
Another story is that a secret note was left
出现在了亨利汉普顿宅邸小教堂的凳子上
on Henry's pew in the chapel at Hampton Court
告知了他凯瑟琳不忠的消息
to inform him of Catherine's infidelities.
有一次 威尔为了打赌
On one occasion, for a bet,
开了一个关于伊莉莎白公主的玩笑
Will tried to make a joke about Princess Elizabeth
结果差点被亨利处死
and Henry nearly had him killed.
千万可别惹亨利
You really didn't want to cross Henry,
因为他随时准备着
because Henry was prepared to do anything
不择手段 达成目标
to get his own way.
槽糕历史电视台 新闻联播
您好 欢迎收看《那时新闻》
Hello, and welcome to the News At When.
那时 都铎王朝
When, Tudor times,
英格兰背离罗马教会
when England broke with Rome
并建立了自己的教会
and got its own church,
这让亨利八世很开心 但让教皇很郁闷
which really pleased Henry VIII and really upset the Pope.
下面有请鲍勃·黑尔为我们带来
Here with more details is Bob Hail,
天主教报告 鲍勃
with the Catholic report. Bob?
谢谢 萨姆 这是都铎时期的英格兰
Thank you, Sam. Well, here's Tudor England.
很明显 这位就是亨利八世
That's Henry VIII there and as you can tell,
我们目所能及的地方都信仰着天主教
it's wall-to-wall Catholics as far as the eye can see.
这样持续了...大概900年了
Much as it has been for... Oh, let's say, 900 years.
但是亨利遇到了个问题 他想离婚
But Henry's got a problem, because he wants a divorce,
而这恰恰是天主教所不容许的
which is exactly what the Catholic Church doesn't like.
阿♥拉♥贡的凯瑟琳
老婆1号♥
于是他问教皇自己能不能离婚 他回答
So, he asks the Pope if he can have a divorce and he says,
罗马教皇
没戏 乔斯
"No way, Jose!"
没戏 乔斯
真奇怪 他明明叫亨利
Weird, because his name's Henry.
没戏 亨利
于是你猜他怎么着了
So what does Henry do?
他脱离了教皇 就这样
He breaks away from the Pope! There he goes!
然后他在英格兰建立了自己的宗教
He starts up his own church here in England called,
并毫无悬念地命名其为英国国教
unsurprisingly, the Church of England.
英国国教
鉴于他自己就是老大
Since he's in charge of it,
他准许自己离婚并迎娶了安妮·博林
he grants himself a divorce and marries Anne Boleyn,
离婚协议
亨利
她是个新教♥徒♥
who's a Protestant.
她信圣经 但不信教皇
She believes in the Bible, but not in the Pope.
然后 随着新教的发展
Now, since the country's turning Protestant,
亨利对天主教♥徒♥开始不太友好了
Henry starts being a bit mean to Catholics.
所谓的不太友好 包括处决他们
And by "a bit mean", I mean he executes them,
关闭他们的修道院 还有没收所有财产
closes their monasteries and takes all their money.
他死之前又结过四次婚
Then he gets married four times and dies.
娶六个老婆可不得死么
That's what six wives will do to you.
信不信由你 这还没到复杂的地方呢
Believe it or not, that was the easy bit.
第一部分结束
(简单部分...)
请看这个宗教天平
As we can see if we look at the Religionometer.
接替亨利王位的是你的某个同学
So, the next king after Henry is someone from your school!
瞎说 是爱德华六世 当时只有九岁
No, not really, it's Edward VI, who's only nine years old.
他是个新教♥徒♥ 没错
And he's a Protestant, that's right.
新教♥徒♥
他当了很久很久的国王
And he's the King for ages and ages,
直到他于十五岁高龄时去世
until he finally dies at the ripe old age of 15.
没错 十五岁当时他刚把权力移交给
Yep, 15, when he hands over to
简·格雷夫人 另一个新教♥徒♥
Lady Jane Grey, another Protestant,
新教♥徒♥
她享受了长达九天的女皇待遇
who enjoys ruling the country for a whopping nine days,
然后就被玛丽女王推♥翻♥了
before she's overthrown by Queen Mary,
这次是个天主教♥徒♥
a Catholic this time.
天主教♥徒♥
她过于忠实于天主教
So Catholic, in fact,
以至于下令烧死了300名新教♥徒♥
that she burns 300 Protestants at the stake.
不过那并非出于天主教义
Although that's not being Catholic,
只是出于残酷本性
that's just being horrid.
于是 英格兰又恢复信仰天主教
So, England is Catholic again
每个人都乖乖地努力适应了
and everyone sits down and gets used to it.
但世事无常 伊莉莎白女王驾临了
But not for long! Here comes Queen Elizabeth and,
你猜得没错 她信的是新教
you've guessed it, she's Protestant.
新教♥徒♥
她击败了天主教入侵者
She fights off a Catholic invasion,
西班牙无敌舰队
the Spanish Armada.
伊莉莎白之后是詹姆士一世
Then Elizabeth is followed by James I,
他是个苏格兰新教♥徒♥
who's a Scottish Protestant...
还是新格兰苏教♥徒♥
or Prottish Scotestant?
新教♥徒♥
总之 他是新教♥徒♥ 但喜欢天主教
Either way, he's a Protestant, but he likes Catholics.
至少在某人试图推♥翻♥他之前是这样的
At least he does until one tries to blow him up.
某人即小淘气盖伊·福克斯
Naughty, naughty Guy Fawkes!
詹姆士一世后是查理一世
And after James comes Charles I,
他装得像个天主教♥徒♥ 其实压根不在乎
who acts like a Catholic but basically doesn't care.
天主教♥徒♥
他只想掌权而已 他也做到了
He just wants to be in charge, which he is
直到他被这个家伙推♥翻♥
until he is overthrown by that chap.
他不是天主教♥徒♥也不是新教♥徒♥
Who's not Catholic or Protestant,
甚至都不是个国王
not even a King!
真的 奥利弗·克伦威尔 是清教♥徒♥
Seriously! He's Oliver Cromwell, a Puritan,
清教♥徒♥
其实就是严苛版的新教♥徒♥
which is like a really strict Protestant.
超级严苛
严苛到什么程度呢
So strict in fact,
他砍掉了查理的脑袋
he chops Charlie's head off
禁止音乐 戏剧
and he bans music, theatre,
舞蹈 圣诞节 刺猬和娱乐活动
dancing, Christmas, hedgehogs and fun,
倒是没有禁刺猬啦
except not hedgehogs.
然后他死了 哦耶
Then he dies, hooray!
君主制又回来了
And we get the monarchs back, woo-hoo!
这次轮到查理二世上场 这人超有趣
It's Charles II, who is loads of fun.
他也是新教♥徒♥
He's also a Protestant,
天主教♥徒♥
但濒死时转信了天主教
but he converts to Catholicism on his deathbed,
所以他是个天主教♥徒♥ 但只当了几分钟
so he's Catholic, but only for a few minutes.
然后是他的弟弟詹姆士二世 天主教♥徒♥
Then comes his brother James II, who is a Catholic,
天主教♥徒♥
不是只当了几分钟 而是始终信仰
always has been, and not just for a couple of minutes,
不过他不喜欢议会 于是他们踹了他
but he doesn't like Parliament, so they chuck him out
把他的女儿和女婿从荷兰找了回来
and bring in his daughter and her husband from Holland,
也就是威廉和玛丽
William and Mary, and
他们决定英国要彻底实行新教统治
they decide England is definitely Protestant.
新教 天主教
然后延续至今 经过185年的
As it is today, after 185 years of going
天主教 新教 天主教 新教
Catholic, Protestant, Catholic, Protestant,
新教 天主教
天主教 新教 天主教 新教
Catholic, Protestant, Catholic, Protestant,
天主教 新教的转变 你眼皮变沉了
Catholic, protestant. You're getting sleepy.
你感到非常非常困 把画面交回给萨姆
You're getting very sleepy. Hand back to Sam.
萨姆 萨姆
Sa-am! Sa-am!
萨姆
Sam!
萨姆 萨姆
Sam! Sa-am!
以上就是今天
Well, that's all for this
有趣的历史直通车节目的全部内容
hike along the hilarious highways of history.
下面我要引用十七世纪法国语法学家
I leave you with the final words of
多米尼克·布乌尔的遗言当做结尾
17th-Century French grammarian, Dominique Bouhours,
他在濒死之时依然抵抗不了
who even on his deathbed, couldn't resist
推敲辞句的乐趣 他说
an act of linguistic pedantry, uttering,
我快死了 或者我要死了
"I am about to, or I am going to, die.
两种表述都正确
Either expression is correct."
今天的节目到此结束 再见
With that, goodbye.
夸张故事 残暴行为*
*Tall tales, atrocious acts,
我们有最吓人的真♥相♥*
*we gave you all the fearsome facts
真♥相♥丑陋 不加修饰*
*The ugly truth, no glam or glitz,
原汁原味给你看*
*we showed you all the juicy bits
血腥 糟糕 残忍♥ 卑鄙*
*Gory, ghastly, cruel and mean
井喷在你屏幕上*
*Bursting out your TV screen
历史不再是个谜*
*The past is no longer a mystery
但愿你喜欢糟糕历史*
*Hope you enjoyed Horrible Histories