糟糕历史：油炸叔精选版（2011）

我们只要这样把鸡毛烧了
We just burn the ends of them like this.
这方法应该能立刻让他醒过来
This should bring him round almost immediately.
不 不起作用
No, it's not working.
他在之前有没有什么别的症状
Had he shown any other symptoms before this day?
好像他一直睡眠不太好
I suppose he hasn't been sleeping too well.
失眠是吗 奈杰尔 糖浆[亲爱的]
Sleeplessness? Nigel, treacle.
怎么了 亲爱的
Yes, honey?
不是喊你 是让你拿糖浆
No, get the treacle.
别急女士 蜜糖是俺们中世纪
Don't worry madam, treacle is the latest Middle Ages cure
最潮的治疗失眠药方
for sleeplessness.
等等 这些淤痕是怎么回事
Hang on, what are those markings?
可能是摔倒时的擦伤
Could be bruising from the fall.
我这有面粉和腌肉油
I'll get the flour and bacon fat.
什么
What?
等等 看起来像是某种疤痕
No, hang on, they're kind of blotchy.
皮肤病 别呀
Skin disease... No!
-我狼皮用完了 -哪里有狼
- I'm all out of wolf skin. - Where be a wolf?
-哪里有狼 -它也许能凑合下
- Where be a wolf? - This might work.
要说 这看起来又像是皮癣
Actually, it looks like ringworm.
英雄所见略同
I concur with thee.
那就只有一种方法了
Then there's only one thing for it.
小兄弟 你想不想当一个勇敢的英雄
Man-child, do you want to be a gallant hero?
那你就朝他的脑袋撒尿
Then you must wee on that man's head.
用童子尿洗头对皮癣有奇效
Nothing cures ringworm like a hair wash in boys' wee.
地道中世纪"奇药"
他不能朝我老公♥头♥上撒尿
He's not weeing on my husband's head!
你不准朝我老公♥头♥上撒尿
You're not weeing on my husband's head!
别急 个人常备
Don't worry, I always carry
新鲜童子尿 以备不时之需
a fresh jar of boys' urine, just in case.
-保罗 -我没事
- Paul! - I'm OK.
但我确实需要洗个澡了
I do need a shower, though.
我们完工了
Our work here is done.
你介意在我们走前把这个尿满吗
D'you mind filling this up while we're here?
-住手 别... -难道不...
- Stop it. Don't... - Is that not...?
听 好像救护车来了
Hark, it sounds like a proper ambulance.
火速撤退
We must flee this place!
麻溜的
Make haste!
伊恩 拿清洁工具过来
Ian, bring the clean-up kit!
那帮中世纪的人又来了
Those historical ones have been here.
中世纪的"糖浆"可不像
Treacle, in the Middle Ages, was not actually
我们今天所知道的糖浆
treacle as we know it nowadays,
它是一种可含有高达
rather it was a name for a medicine
65种成分的药物
containing up to 65 ingredients.
人们有时称之为万能解毒剂
It was sometimes called mithridatum,
名字来源于古土耳其君主米特里达梯六世
after the famous ancient Turkish ruler Mithridates VI.
据传说描述 他通过定期服用
He had, according to legend, made himself immune to all poison
小剂量的各种剧毒药物
by regularly taking tiny amounts of whatever
来使自己百毒不侵
his doctors feared might be used to kill them.
这一招同样被用到了土耳其烤肉上
A practice which also works well for kebabs.
万能解毒剂流行了几个世纪
Mithridatum became popular for centuries.
但我想这种药剂
But I don't think the concoction
对下面这个家伙 就不怎么有效了
would have been of much use to this chap.
愚蠢的死法之汉弗莱·德·博亨篇
死得傻呀死得傻*
*Stupid deaths, stupid deaths
真人真事乐哈哈*
*They're funny cos they're true
死得傻呀死得傻*
*Stupid deaths, stupid deaths
下次不要到你家*
*Hope next time, it's not you
下一位
Oh... Next!
来者何人
And you are?
汉弗莱·德·博亨 叛军领袖
Humphrey de Bohun, leader of the rebel army.
你是怎么死的
And how did you die?
但愿死得极其愚蠢
With great stupidity, I hope.
我领导群众反对国王爱德华二世
I was leading a rebellion against King Edward II.
在巴勒布里奇战役中大干了一场
My army was fighting his at the Battle of Boroughbridge.
不够愚蠢啊
Not stupid enough.
我带领我的军队过一座木头桥
I was leading my troops across the wooden bridge.
敌人顽强抵抗
The enemy was defending it fiercely.
-很说得通 -我决定迎头发起冲锋
- Almost sensible. - I decided to charge them head on.
神挡杀神 佛挡杀佛
I was killing everything in my path,
从左杀到右 又从右杀到左
battling them to the right, fighting them to the left to me.
真是太无聊了 伙计
You're losing me, pal.
但是突然 我感觉到...
Then suddenly, I... felt a terrible agony in my...
-菊花一阵剧痛 -有意思
- in my bottom. - Oh, joy!
一个敌方士兵躲在桥下
Yes, an enemy soldier had hidden himself under the bridge
然后把长矛捅进了我的菊花
and he'd shoved a pike right in my bottom.
哎呦 瞧瞧啊
Look, there it is!
那还真是脖子一疼啊
Ooh! Hey, that must have been a real pain in the neck!
不应该是屁♥股♥一疼吗
Don't you mean pain in the backside?
我就是这么说的
That's what I said, wasn't it?
-你说的脖子疼 -我说的屁♥股♥疼
- No, you said pain in the neck. - I said pain in the backside.
你要是说屁♥股♥一疼会更有趣的
It would have been funnier if you'd said pain in the backside...
随便啦 伙计 赶紧去投胎吧你
Whatever, pal! You're through to the afterlife.
-麻溜的 -谢谢
- Off you trot. - Thank you.
他真是糟透了[屁♥股♥交易]
Hey, he got a real bum deal!
我该趁他走之前说的 那啥 你
Oh, I should have said that when he was in the room. ..Hey, you!
你有个屁♥股♥... 他走了
You got a bum... He's gone.
为啥我老是慢一拍
Why do I always think of things too late?
下一位
Next!
死得傻呀死得傻*
*Stupid deaths, stupid deaths
下次不要到你家*
*Hope next time, it's not you
卑劣的斯图亚特王朝
糟糕历史电视台 新闻联播
大家好 欢迎收看《那时新闻》
Hello and welcome to the News at When.
那时就是十七世纪
When, the 1600s,
英国为了一个问题爆发内战
when the people of Britain went to war with each other
那就是 国家的统治者
to decide whether they wanted the country
应该是国王 还是议会
ruled by a king or ruled by Parliament.
详细内容 请看本台记者鲍勃·黑尔
With more details, it's over to Bob Hale,
带来的内战详细报道 鲍勃
with the civil war report. Bob.
谢谢 萨姆
Thank you, Sam. Well,
现在是1625年 希望你穿得得体点
it's 1625 and I hope you're dressed smartly,
因为国王来了 他就是查理一世
because here comes the King. Yes, it's King Charles I,
从登基那天起 他就不停地惹麻烦
and right from day one, he is stirring up trouble.
主要是因为他本该顺应英国国教
Mainly because he's supposed to be a Protestant,
成为新教♥徒♥
like the Church of England,
但他仍不断做些天主教的事情
but he keeps doing some very Catholicy things,
例如娶了个天主教♥徒♥ 天主教式祈祷
like marrying a Catholic, praying like a Catholic
新祈祷书
还穿着"我爱天主教"的T恤 最后那个不算
and wearing an I Love Catholics T-shirt, except not the last one.
查理的行为惹恼了很多人
And Charlie's behaviour annoys an awful lot of people,
议会
尤其是位于伦敦的议会
especially in Parliament down here in London.
所以查理就说 你们放假吧
So Charlie tells them to take some time off,
这一放就是十年
about ten years, in fact,
国王统治
妥妥的
把国家完全掌握在自己手中
leaving him in charge of the entire country,
不是吧
他觉得可欢乐了
which is jolly good fun!
但好景不长 苏格兰人首先受够了这个
But not for long. First, the Scots, sick of this bossy,
我们
讨厌
查理
专横的热爱天主教国王 发动了战争
Catholic-loving King, start a war against him.
我们
也讨厌
查理
然后爱尔兰人也受够了英格兰人的侵略
Then the Irish, sick of English people stealing all their land,
也发动了战争 但打仗是很烧钱的
start another war against him, and wars are very expensive.
所以查理重新召集了议会
So Charlie brings back Parliament,
这样就可以找他们要钱了
so he can ask them for some money.
但他们说 "才不要咧
They say, "No,
你忘了你想要摆脱我们了吗"
because you tried to get rid of us, remember?"
然后把他的恶行列了一张清单
They give him a list of everything they don't like about him.
你解散了
议会
你喜欢
天主教
你臭死了
说到麻烦 在接下来两年里
Well, talk about trouble. Over the next two years,