糟糕历史：油炸叔精选版（2011）

- I love you, darling. - I don't blame you.
屋大维娅饰屋大维娅
一天 大概就是在买♥♥葡萄的时候
Then, one day, possibly whilst shopping for grapes...
我不会付你钱的 我的帝国我做主
I'm not paying for these. My empire, my rules.
尼禄遇到了他的梦中情人
Nero met the woman of his dreams.
是的 又一位
Yes, another one.
那位是谁
Who is that?
波培娅饰演波培娅
想和我约会吗
Do you want to go out with me?
-你妻子不会介意吗 -应该不介意吧
- Won't your wife mind? - I shouldn't think so.
-你介意吗 -当然啊
- Do you mind? - Yes, I mind!
这种事总是猜不准
You can never second guess these things.
但是尼禄准备
But Nero was prepared to
不惜一切代价和爱人在一起
do anything to be with the woman he loved.
不 不 另一位
No, no, the other one.
对 对 这一位
Yeah, yeah, that one, there.
我需要一件东西 证明你爱的是我而不是她
I need a sign, something to show that you love me now, not her.
好的 葡萄行吗
Right, well, something more than grapes,
我有成堆成堆的葡萄
because I've got loads of grapes.
-当然不行 -好吧
- Yes, something more than grapes! - Right.
今夏 一位皇帝将要证明 爱情就是一件礼物
This summer, one emperor will prove that love is a gift.
亲爱的 这正是我想要的
Darling, it's just what I wanted.
用篮子装着你老婆的人头
Your wife's severed head in a basket.
即将上映 一部"罗马"蒂克喜剧
Coming soon, the film that puts the Roman in "Romantic comedy".
你以后不会把我的头砍下来 放到篮子里吧
You'll never cut off my head and put it in a basket, would you?
宝贝 当然不会
Baby, of course not.
我要把你踢死
I'm going to have you kicked to death.
-什么 -没什么
- What? - Ssh, nothing.
《爱你到死》 根据真实故事改编
Love You To Death, based on a true story,
电影评级 不切实际级
rated unreasonable.
尼禄皇帝确实砍下了妻子的头颅
Emperor Nero really did have his wife's head cut off
并将其送给了他的新女友
and delivered to his new girlfriend.
因此证明 想要男友送礼物时
Thus, proving that it's always wiser to give your boyfriend
最好直接告诉他们要什么 而不是说
specific instructions when it comes to presents rather than saying,
随便什么都行 给我个惊喜
"Oh, I don't mind, go on, surprise me."
尼禄同样给予了他最喜爱的角斗士
Nero showered his favourite gladiator
斯皮库鲁斯丰厚的礼品
Spiculus with gifts, too -
当然是更令人愉悦的礼物了
rather more pleasant ones.
AVE!杂♥志♥
本期《AVE!杂♥志♥》将带来
In this week's AVE! Magazine, an exclusive interview
对著名角斗士斯皮库鲁斯的独家访谈
with the most famous sportsman in Rome, Spiculus the gladiator.
我叫提比略·克劳狄乌斯·斯皮库鲁斯
My name's Tiberius Claudius Spiculus.
你们可以叫我斯皮斯
You can just call me Spics.
我曾经是奴隶
I used to be a slave.
但是我在角斗场战绩辉煌 获得了自♥由♥
But then I fought so well in the arena, I won my freedom.
尼禄皇帝非常喜欢我
The Emperor Nero likes me so much,
他甚至送我了一座宫殿
he's given me my very own palace.
了解尼禄如何让自己最喜欢的角斗士
Read how Nero made his favourite gladiator
成为了禁卫军长官
head of his personal protection force.
斯皮库鲁斯执掌禁卫军
唯一问题是 我这个大名人走到哪里
Only problem is I'm now so famous I can't go anywhere
都有人要我停下让他们拍照
without being stopped for pictures.
看这里斯皮库鲁斯 很好
Over here, Spiculus! Nice.
我们还有多位著名角斗士照片
And we've got the pictures the
记录了他们不愿示之于众的丑态
celebrity gladiators really didn't want you to see.
你们没听说过罗马浴场吗
Have you never heard of a Roman Bath?
还有我们的占卜师
Plus, our resident soothsayer
揭晓下周获胜者
通过观察鸡肠预测未来
predicts the future by reading entrails of chicken.
我可以保证 这只鸡下周将很惨
I can safely say it's going to be a bad week for this chicken.
是的 各种八卦 图片 罗马流言
Yes, all the goss, all the pics, all the Roman rumours,
尽在本周的《AVE!杂♥志♥》
only in this week's AVE! Magazine.
我预测 你会买♥♥一本回家
I can safely predict you're going to buy it.
只需99迪纳厄斯
Only 99 denari.
[古罗马小银币]
可悲的二战
战争期间
During the War,
尽管德国并没有入侵英国
despite the fact that the Germans never invaded Britain,
许多英国地方军的志愿者仍旧受伤了
lots of Home Guard volunteers were injured.
你即将看到的所有伤情都真实
And all the injuries you're about to see are genuine
取材于达勒姆地方军事故记录册
and taken from the Durham Home Guard accident book.
别不信 真的是这样的 往下看吧
No, really, really, they are. Look at these.
立正 达勒姆地方军准备点名
Attention! Durham Home Guard prepare for roll call.
-志愿者伯特维索 -到 长官
- Volunteer Birtwhistle. - Present, sir.
很好 志愿者戴维森
Excellent. Volunteer Davidson?
戴维森没来吗
No Davidson?
报告长官 他受伤住院了
He's in hospital, sir, he's got injured.
他胳膊中弹了 长官
He got shot in the arm, sir.
被敌人打的吗
By the enemy?
不是 被另一位志愿者
No sir, by another volunteer.
好的 志愿者弗雷泽
Right. Volunteer Fraser?
受伤了 腿部中弹 长官
Injured, shot in the leg, sir.
-被另一个志愿者打的吗 -不 长官
- By another volunteer? - No, sir,
被自己打的 他的枪走火了
by himself. His gun went off by mistake.
-詹金斯 -被狗撞下了自行车
- Jenkins? - Got knocked off a bike by a dog.
-辛普森 -健身的时候受伤了 长官
- Simpson? - Injured himself in gym practice, sir.
被垫子绊倒 撞伤了脸
Tripped over a mat, smashed his face.
-斯凯伦 -脚踝骨折 长官
- Skellan? - Fractured ankle, sir.
同样是健身时吗
At the same gym practice?
不 长官 上课的时候桌子倒在他身上了
No, sir, no. A table collapsed on him during a lecture.
如果地方军全都伤了
How is the Home Guard supposed to defend Britain from an attack from Germany,
我们怎么抗德卫国呢 这太糟了
if we're all injured? It's extraordinary.
抱歉我迟到了
Sorry I'm late.
志愿者汤姆金斯报道 长官
Volunteer Tomkins reporting for duty, sir.
天啊 汤姆金斯 你怎么了
Good heavens, Tomkins, what have you done to yourself?
我调整钢盔的带子时
I sliced the top of my finger off
把指尖切掉了 长官 所以...
when I was adjusting the chin strap on my helmet, sir, so...
今天很轻松 我将给你们
Well, it's a good job that today I shall be giving you all
演示急救护理
a demonstration on first aid.
太好了
Yes!
所以我需要一位志愿者 伯特维索
So I need a volunteer. Birtwhistle.
是 长官
Yes, sir.
躺在地上 很好
Lie on the floor, there's a good chap.
天啊 你做了什么
Good heavens, man, what have you done?
没什么长官 只是根巨大的木块
All right. It's nothing to worry about, sir, it's just a massive splinter.
坚持住 我来帮你
Right. Hang on there. I'll come and help you.
让我来看看
Now let's have a look at that.
不
Oh, no!
我感觉后背有根肌腱断了 没知觉了
I think I've severed a tendon in my back. It's gone. It really has gone.
别傻站那里 汤姆金斯
Don't just stand there, Tomkins,
-叫救护车啊 -是的 长官
- phone an ambulance! - Right away, sir.
我觉得它把骨头都刺穿了 长官
I think it's gone through to the bone, sir.
好了 别慌 这样就好了
All right, all right. Don't panic. OK. Here we go.
我的手指啊
Ow! Oh, me finger!
我绝对需要看医生
I definitely think I need some kind of doctor!
帮我们一把 长官
Lend us a hand, sir!
汤姆金斯
Tomkins...
-我的脚又卡住了 -我后背没知觉了
- Agghh, now my foot's stuck! - My back's gone!
女士不允许加入地方军
Women were not allowed to join the Home Guard
但是还有许多人组建了自己的防御组织
but many formed their own defence groups anyway.
比如位于伦敦的亚马逊防御组织
One of the first was the London-based Amazon Defence Force,
成员包括玛乔里·福斯特
which featured Marjorie Foster,
她是位使用步♥枪♥的神枪手
a prize-winning shot with a rifle.
全英国的女士实际上都为战争贡献了力量
In fact, women all over Britain got behind the war effort.
30年代小女郎 洗碗擦地忙*
*We're girlies from the '30s. Wash the dishes, scrub the floor
一夜之间局势紧 丈夫上战场*
*When all of a sudden. Our hubbies went to war
英国正需好儿女 你说我退缩*
*Did you think we'd shrink in England's needy hour
你要干什么*
*You what
当然不 我们女孩有力量*
*Course not. Cos we've got girl power
男人二战征战苦*
*Our men are fighting World War Two
但我们不会哭*
*But we're not gonna boo-hoo-hoo
这也是我们的二战*
*It's our World War Two too, girls
我们也能把功劳建*
*Plenty we can do, girls
我们就是二战女孩*
*We're the World War Two girls