糟糕历史：油炸叔精选版（2011）

Yes!
凯撒的口碑每况愈下
JC's reputation is in meltdown
因为他开始和埃及女王约会了
because he's started going out with the Queen of Egypt.
克利奥帕特拉真的俘获了他的心吗
Has Cleopatra really stolen his heart?
是又怎么样 我老婆不会介意的
So what if she has? My wife won't mind.
我们将揭露谣言背后的真♥相♥
We reveal the truth behind the rumours.
克利奥真给凯撒生了孩子吗
Has Cleo really had Caesar's baby?
给你点提示 他的名字叫凯撒里昂
Well, here's a clue. He's called Caesarean.
鼻子长得跟我一模一样
He has got my nose, I suppose.
好了好了 也不是特别大
Ohh! There, there, it's not that big.
好吧
All right!
另外 还有一起着装失仪事件
Plus, it's a fashion faux pas
着装失仪
凯撒被发现脚穿这双红色靴子
as Caesar is spotted wearing these red boots,
和上一届罗马皇帝的一模一样
just like the last king of Rome.
我们不禁要问
We ask,
这是否代表了凯撒的某种野心
is Caesar getting too big for his own boots?
我就喜欢这颜色
I just like the colour.
不代表我想当皇帝 怎么了
It doesn't mean to say I want to be king. What?
我的确宣告自己为终身独♥裁♥官 但是
OK, so I have declared myself dictator for life, but...
独家新闻来了 刺向恺撒的刀已出鞘
And exclusive! The knives are out for Caesar.
在《暗♥杀♥》增页特刊中
In our assassination pull-out special,
我们将列出阴谋刺杀他的元老院成员名单
we list the senators plotting to stab him in the back!
-等等 谁要杀我 -详情明日揭晓
- Wait a minute, who wants to kill me? - Find out tomorrow!
别别别 说真的 谁要杀我
No, no, no, seriously, who wants to kill me?
尽在本周《帝国新闻》
Only in this week's News Of The Empire!
《帝国新闻》尤利乌斯·恺撒 当心三月十五日
顶级读物 不过只有拉丁文版
A cracking good read! Although, it is all in Latin.
凯撒最终被刺杀而死
Caesar ended up being assassinated,
留下他的罗马妻子悲伤不已
leaving his Roman wife to grieve
而他的埃及情人正在策划下一步行动
and his Egyptian lover to plan her next move,
她准备找个人替换凯撒
which consisted of replacing Caesar
这个人就是凯撒的好友 马克·安东尼
with his close friend, Mark Antony.
金字塔
埃及女王克利奥帕特拉
冥府管♥理♥员♥
您收到一封邮件
马克·安东尼在木乃伊网上
Mark Antony has accepted me
加我为好友了
as a friend on Mummy-bo.
太棒了
Excellent!
谢谢你加我为好友 笑脸象形文字
Thanks for the add. Smiley hieroglyph.
给马库斯留言
是他
Oh. It's him!
-克利奥帕特拉女王你好 -你好
- Hello, Queen Cleopatra! - Hail yourself!
我刚才在看你的木乃伊网资料
I was just looking at your Mummy-bo profile
看来你没有多少好友啊
and I couldn't help but notice you haven't got many friends.
是啊 以前有我的姐姐
Yeah, I did have my sister,
克利奥帕特拉六世
Pharaoh Cleopatra VI,
但她后来不明不白地死了
but she died in suspicious circumstances.
还有我另一个姐姐贝勒尼基四世
And my other sister, Pharaoh Berenice IV,
但她后来被砍了头
but she was executed.
然后还有我的异母兄弟们
Then there were my half-brothers,
托勒密十三世 淹死了
Pharaoh Ptolemy XIII, drowned,
和托勒密十四世 被毒死了
and Pharaoh Ptolemy XIV, poisoned.
听起来
Sounds like
继承埃及王位是件很危险的事 克利奥
being on the throne in Egypt is a dangerous job, Cleo.
你就不害怕吗
Do you never get scared?
浪漫罗马 顶级在线罗马婚介服务
不会 我会没事的
Oh, no, no, no, I'll be fine.
只要有个强壮的罗马人在我身边
I just need a powerful Roman to stand alongside me.
欢迎登陆我们的网站
输入密♥码♥"万岁"可免费试用三个月
就像凯撒吗 你们约会过吧
What, like Caesar? Didn't you date him?
-是啊 -现在他死了
- Yeah. - Now he's dead.
没错 话说
Yeah. About that,
现在我有空了 你想跟我约会吗
there's now a vacancy, so do you want to go out with me?
不想
No.
求你了求你了求你了
Oh, please, please, please!
我把你加入我的好友前十名单
I'll put you on my top-ten friends list.
好吧 一不做二不休
Oh, OK. In for a denarius, in for a sestertius.
原来你只有两个好友啊 另外这个是谁
More like a top-two friends list. Who's this other one?
-那是我妹妹阿尔西诺伊 -真不容易
- Oh, yeah, that's my sister Arsinoe. - At last!
你家族里竟然还有活着的成员
A member of your family who isn't dead!
说到这回事
Mm, about that...
克利奥
Cleo!
问题是 她是最后一个威胁我王位的人
Yeah, the thing is, she's the last threat to my throne
我必须得让她死
so I need to have Arsinoe killed.
预约刺杀
你不介意
You don't mind
我把你的名字写在暗♥杀♥令上吧
if I put your name on the assassination warrant, do you?
-求你了求你了求你了 -好吧
- Please, please, please! - Oh, OK.
被害人 埃及阿尔西诺伊四世
你的名字 马克·安东尼将军
好了 讨厌的工作 可不得不做
There we go! Nasty business but had to be done.
是否需要在现场留下个人信息
您预订的暗♥杀♥正在进行中
请等待 不要刷新页面
现在我们能和平地统治埃及帝国了
Now you and me can rule the Egyptian empire in peace.
真棒
Right, great.
那是什么声音
Oh, what was that noise?
进程出现问题
点击这里
-出什么事了吗 -是的
- Did something go wrong? - Oh, yeah.
好像进程出了点问题
It says there's a problem with the transaction.
可能只是我的纸莎支付宝账户需要升级
I probably just need to update my PapyrusPal account.
-怎么了 怎么回事 -不好
- What? What is it? - Yeah.
好像你谋杀阿尔西诺伊的时候
Turns out Arsinoe was on the steps of a sacred temple
-她正在神殿的台阶上 -我谋杀她
- when you murdered her. - When I murdered her?
罗马人正满腔怒火 我们有大♥麻♥烦了
Rome is up in arms. We're in big trouble.
我们现在怎么办
What are we going to do?
如果我们想有尊严地死去
Well, if we want to die with dignity,
我们就得在罗马军队抓住我们之前自杀
we'll have to kill ourselves before the Roman army get to us.
什么 真是太麻烦了
What? Oh, this is most inconvenient!
-只好 -不 等等 我想我们能
- Oh, well, I suppose... - No, wait, I suppose we could
假装自杀了 然后躲起来
pretend to kill ourselves and then just hide.
你现在才说 克利奥
Ohhh. Now you tell me, Cleo.
你真是我最糟糕的女朋友
You are literally the worst girlfriend I've ever had
比以前那些极品还糟糕
and I've had some shockers.
好吧 看来我也只能这么做了
Right. Looks like I'll have to do the same, then. Er...
毒蛇
我来找条毒蛇咬我一口
I'll get a poisonous snake to bite me.
这死法倒是比较庄严 角蝰
That's quite a regal way to go. An asp!
棒极了 多少钱
Perfect! How much?
包装要20个铜币
20 bronze coins for packaging?
好吧 这条蛇估计还挺长的
Well, I suppose it is quite a long tube.
传统学说认为克利奥帕特拉
Now, the traditional theory maintains that Cleopatra
用一条毒蛇自杀而亡
killed herself with a venomous snake.
然而 近年来历史学家则提出
However, recently historians have suggested
她可能是服毒而亡
she drank poison instead
因为这种死法并不会那么痛苦
as it would've been a less painful way to die.
不过这么一来
Though this would've had
倒给《艳后嬉春》里那些毒蛇笑话
quite ruinous consequences
[一部英国喜剧]
带来了相当灾难性的后果
for all the "Nice asp" Jokes on Carry On Cleo.
讨厌的海盗
加勒比地区 大约三百年前
哎呦妈呀 这不是短刀吗
Shiver me timbers, Daggers.
短刀麦可
Daggers McCor!
是你吗 你这老东西
Is that you, you salty sea dog?
不 你绝对是认错人了
No. You must be mistaking me for somebody else.
我才没有 你为什么戴着假胡子
No I'm not. Why are you wearing a false beard?
小声点
Shhh!
我做了伪装
I'm in disguise.
我有生命危险
Me life is in danger.
我本来打算在船上谋划一场叛变
I tried to stage a mutiny on ship
结果现在格雷船长要弄死我
and now Captain Grey is baying for me blood.
但他是个海盗 他不会就这么杀了你的
But he's a fellow pirate. He wouldn't just kill you.
他得先警告你才对 比如给你留个 信条
He's have to warn you first by sending you A LITTLE NOTE!
不 我觉得你的意思是给我留张 黑券
No, I think you mean by sending me THE BLACK SPOT!
对 海盗们对"我们要取你性命
Yes, pirate shorthand for "We're going to kill you.
若你继续在附近逗留 你将被杀死
If you stick around, you'll be killed.
若你试图逃跑 你将被杀死"的缩写