糟糕历史：油炸叔精选版（2011）

[前者为斯巴达国有奴隶 后者为犹太教派]
[前者是斯巴达盟军]
伯罗奔尼撒人 斯巴达人
you Peloponnesians, you Lacedaemons,
[斯巴达的国王]
所有莱奥尼达斯的军队
all of Leonidas's army,
大家为《歌♥舞斯巴达》而疯狂吧
let's get barmy for the Spartan School Musical!
斯巴达嗨起来
Go Spartans!
音乐走起
Come on!
今日吾步入高中 由稚嫩走向成熟*
*Today I'm starting high school, where boys are turned to men
带上剑与盾 我们不用纸张和钢笔*
*I've packed my sword and shield, we don't use paper and pen
我们热衷体育 从没有书呆子*
*Everyone's a jock here. We don't have Spartan nerds
瘦骨如柴将成鸟儿盘中餐*
*The weedy kids were left to die as breakfast for the birds
我们热爱打斗 我们生性刚烈*
*We're taught to love a fight, we're taught not to be meek
表现好每周都有肉吃*
*And if we're good they feed us three square meals every week
让我们来决斗吧 感觉可棒了*
*Let's go fightin' now Fightin' is excitin' now
一起歌♥舞斯巴达*
*Rockin' at the Spartan School
走起
Come on!
众所周知 斯巴达幼儿园我就是老大*
*At Spartan kindergarten I'm the boss, that's understood
淘气就会挨拍*
*I smack 'em if they're naughty
表现好就会被打*
*And I thwack 'em if they're good
肚子饿 想偷点吃的*
*I'm feeling rather peckish I'm gonna steal some food
被抓包了就得惩罚你 斯巴达小屁孩*
*Caught! I'll have to punish you, ungrateful Spartan brood
我们不偷东西 我们不毛手毛脚*
*We promise not to steal, we're not the thieving sort
偷东西是好 被抓到就不算了*
*Stealing is considered good, what's wrong is getting caught
被教训之后学到撒谎和作弊*
*Let's get beaten now. Learn lies and cheatin' now
斯巴达学校好快活*
*Rollin' at the Spartan School
有一系列比赛证明谁最棒*
*We have a bunch of contests to see who is the best
最惨烈最犀利最艰难最难搞的斯巴达比赛*
*The meanest leanest toughest roughest Spartan contest
我最爱的游戏 抽抽更欢乐*
*This one is my favourite game, lashings of good fun
一点都不疼 我好想妈妈*
*Didn't feel a thing! I want my mum
毕业考通过 我们毕业了*
*We pass our last exam and it's Spartan graduation
随即投入工作 没时间庆祝*
*Straight away we go to work, no time for celebration
军队服役十年 没有特例*
*Ten years active service in the army, no diversions
斯巴达人只有一种活 就是杀死波斯人*
*There's only one job for a Spartan - killing loads of Persians
想尝爱的禁果 你得等到30岁*
*Wondering about love? It's banned until you're 30
高中不教你怎么爱 只教不择手段地战斗*
*High school doesn't teach romance, it teaches fighting dirty
让我们来决斗吧 感觉可棒了*
*Let's go fightin' now. Fightin' is excitin' now
一起歌♥舞斯巴达 被教训后*
*Rockin' at the Spartan School. Let's get beaten now
学到撒谎和作弊 斯巴达学校最快活*
*Learn lies and cheatin' now. Rollin' at the Spartan School
卑微的中世纪
在中世纪的法国
In Middle Ages France,
有预言说这个国度将会被
there was a prophecy that the country would be saved
来自洛兰地区的一位年轻女子拯救
by a young maid from the region of Lorraine.
而那个地方
Which, as it happens,
正是圣女贞德的故乡
is exactly where a certain Joan of Arc came from.
-圣女贞德 -什么事
- Joan of Arc. - What?
-你是圣女贞德吗 -是的
- Are you Joan of Arc? - Yeah.
我是圣米迦勒的幻象
I am a vision of St Michael.
[圣经中的天使长]
-我奉上帝之旨意前来找你 -你就编吧
- I've been sent by God to find you. - Pull the other one.
说真的 你受命领导法国♥军♥队
No, seriously. You've been chosen to lead the French army
参加对抗英国侵略军的正义之战
in a righteous battle against the oppressive English invaders.
-肯定是搞错了 -怎么说
- There must have been a mix-up. - Why would you say that?
因为 首先 我只是个目不识丁的农民
Well, because, A, I'm just an illiterate peasant,
最后 我是个女孩
C, I'm a girl,
而且 首先 我才14岁
and A, I'm 14!
我只能扫扫地补补袜子
I mean, sweeping up and darning socks I can do,
军事管理我实在不行
but military leadership, not so much.
他肯定是这么说的 我都写在手上了
Well, he definitely said. I wrote it on my hand and everything.
你确定不是隔壁的"圣男约翰"吗
Are you sure it wasn't John of Arc, the bloke next door?
-有人叫我吗 -约翰
- Did someone call? - John,
你在等待上帝召唤你
have you been waiting on God to call on you
去领导法国打败英国赢得辉煌胜利吗
to lead France in a glorious victory against the English?
-是的 -不 肯定是"贞德"
- Yes, I have. - No, look, it definitely says Joan.
-是啊 -不好意思 约翰 我搞错了
- Right. Erm... - Sorry, John. False alarm.
好吧 我就在隔壁 有事吼一声
OK. Well, I'm just next door if you need me.
-再见了 -别难过
- So bye. - Stay cool.
-不好意思了伙计 -所以我要做什么呢
- Sorry, mate. - So, erm, what am I supposed to do?
召唤上帝 预测未来
Well you convene with God, predict the future,
带领法国♥军♥队走向光辉胜利
lead the French army to glorious victory
-并助国王夺回王位 -比扫地好多了
- and restore the king to his throne. - Beats sweeping up!
-我想也是 -那好 对了
- I bet, yeah. - OK. Er... Oh.
谁来补村民的袜子呢
Who will darn the villagers' socks?
放心 会有人做的
I'm sure we'll think of someone.
这真的是上帝的旨意吗
This is definitely what God wants?
但是...
But, I mean, look...
圣女贞德说服法国国王让她带领军队
Joan of Arc convinced the French king to let her lead his army
在一些苏格兰士兵的帮助下
and with the additional help of some Scottish soldiers,
[法国中北部城市]
她打败了包围奥尔良的英国♥军♥队
she defeated the English at the siege of Orleans.
在中世纪
Yes, in the Middle Ages,
一些人受对上帝的信仰所驱使
some people were driven to unusual things
做出了些不寻常的事 其中最不寻常的
by their belief in God, and none perhaps more so
要属鞭笞运动的追随者
than followers of a movement called Flagellantism.
要钱还是要命
Give us your money!
不给钱小心我用棒子打死你
Give me your money or I'll whack you with my cudgel!
你要用棒子打我吗 这算哪门子威胁
You'll hit me with your cudgel? What sort of a threat is that?
我正用铁头的皮鞭抽我自己呢
I'm whipping myself with a steel-tipped whip here.
看看你逼我做了什么
Look what you made me do.
我不应该说话的
I'm meant to be abstaining from talking.
我得再抽自己一次作为惩罚
I'll have to whip myself again now as punishment.
-你为什么不能说话 -因为我是鞭笞者
- Why aren't you supposed to talk? - Because I'm a flagellant.
我边在城镇间漫步 边静静地抽打自己
I'm atoning for my sins by wandering from town to town
来弥补我的罪行 我又说话了
silently whipping myself. I've opened my gob again now!
快给钱不然我就... 我就...
Give us your money or I'll... I'll...
鞭笞主义是非常激进的天主教运动
-请说 -我不仅要用棒子打你
- Yes? - I'll hit you with my cudgel
还要斩断你的腿 挖出你的双眼
and I'll cut your feet off and gouge your eyes out!
-其实这说不定有帮助 -什么
- That might be quite helpful, actually. - What?
正如我所说 我是鞭笞者
Well, like I say, I'm a flagellant.
我正体验耶稣受难的感觉
I'm trying to suffer as Jesus did
这样上帝就能拯救我的灵魂
so that God will save my soul.
在我看来 受苦越多 就越好
I'm thinking the more suffering, the better,
所以尽你所能吧
so do your worst.
好吧 你要是不给钱 我就自己拿了
Well, if you won't give me your money, I'll have to help myself!
好恶心的味道
Ohh! Oh, that's disgusting!
我知道 除了要鞭笞自己
Yeah, I know. As well as the whipping,
我们鞭笞者还不能洗澡
we flagellants are also forbidden to wash,
刮胡子 或者换衣服
shave or change our clothes.
你脑子一定有问题
You're not right in the head!
等等 你一个子儿也没有
Here, hang on! You haven't even got any money!
没有 我们鞭笞者还相信一件事
Nah. That's the other thing about us flagellants.
金钱是万恶之源
We believe money to be the root of all evil.
所以我身无分文
So I'm penniless.
我的人生太没意义了
Oh, what's the point?
连个贼都当不好
I'm a hopeless thief!
那不如放弃吧 跟我一起上路怎么样
Why don't you give it up, eh? Come on the road with me?
跟我走 进天堂
It'll mean you'll go to heaven.
算我一个
You're on.
我的确是个罪人
I am a sinner.
我们得这么干多久
How long do we have to do this for?
耶稣活了三十三又三分之一年
Well, Jesus lived for 33 and a third years,
所以我们要持续三十三又三分之一天
so we'll keep this up for 33 and a third days.
-三十三又三分之一天 -不许说话
- 33 and a third days? - No talking in front!
腐朽古罗马
千万不要错过本周《帝国新闻》独家报道
Don't miss this week's News Of The Empire exclusive!
凯撒特刊
It's our Caesar special!
《帝国新闻》尤利乌斯·恺撒 当心三月十五日
他打败了法国的高卢人 又入侵了英国
He defeated the Gauls in France and invaded Britain!
吾至 吾见 吾征服
I came, I saw, I conquered.
我 我感冒了
I... I caught a cold.
天气太糟糕 所以我又回来了
The weather was terrible so I came home again.
现在 罗马最伟大的将军
Now, Rome's greatest general
从英雄变成了狗熊
has gone from hero to zero!
没错