糟糕历史：油炸叔精选版（2011）

where he came up against Indian armies
是一支拥有三千头战象的军队
that could deploy 3,000 war elephants in a single battle.
想象一下 三千头大象迎面朝你冲来
Imagine, 3,000 elephants charging at you.
那场面就像达拉斯自助肋排烧烤的开幕日
That must be like the opening day of the Dallas All-You-Can-Eat Rib Shack.
大象就好比那时候的坦克
Very much the tanks of their day,
而且更加环保
only a tad more eco-friendly,
使用大象作战越来越普及
the use of war elephants became more commonplace
公元前275年 希腊军队
and in 275 BC, the Greek army
利用大象和罗马军队作战
used them when facing the Romans.
不靠谱武器14号♥
古时候
In ancient times,
希腊皮洛士国王和罗马人打仗的时候
King Pyrrhus of Greece went to battle with the Romans
带上了自己的秘密武器
and brought with him a secret weapon -
大象
elephants.
大象们 冲啊
Elephants, cha-a-arge!
希腊战象非常厉害
Greek war elephants were brilliant,
因为它们一旦开始进攻就不会停下
because once they started charging, they didn't stop
所到之处如秋风扫落叶 片甲不留
and trampled anything in their way.
尤其是会横扫敌军
Particularly, the enemy troops.
大象是很厉害 但不幸的是
It was brilliant, but unfortunately
有个小小的问题
there was one small problem.
大象害怕火...
Elephants are scared of fire...
和猪
...and pigs.
于是罗马人就给一些猪点上火
So the Romans set fire to some pigs
让它们迎向进攻的大象
and sent them charging at the charging elephants...
这让皮洛斯国王真心后悔
...Making King Pyrrhus really wish...
带了他的秘密武器来参战
...he'd left his secret weapon at home.
奇葩印加人
现在糟糕历史频道
And now on HHTV,
插播来自古秘鲁的广♥告♥
an advertising intermission from Ancient Peru.
大家好 我是广♥告♥人
Hi, I'm a shouty man!
我现在要向大家介绍一款新型印加洞穴
And I'm here to tell you about new Incan Hole.
印加洞穴
惊天动地的育儿革命
The incredible childcare revolution.
新型印加洞穴可以让你
New Incan Hole is the simple way
轻松搞定调皮捣蛋的孩子
to keep your troublesome tots in check.
你只需要把孩子放进洞穴
Just chuck in your child
洞穴陡峭的四壁都会轻松搞定一切
and let those steep sides do all the hard work.
和平地相比
Yes, compared with level ground,
平地VS新型印加洞穴
新型印加洞穴独特的边缘结构
the unique raised edges of new Incan Hole
更有利于让小孩子
are up to a bit percent better
远离麻烦
at keeping little ones out of trouble.
此外 新型洞穴挖掘快捷简单
What's more, it's quick and easy to install,
挖洞穴可能需要点时间和精力
比起雇保姆可要划算得多
and it's cheaper than a babysitter.
惊天跳楼价 分文不要
With the bargain price of nothing at all,
您怎么可以只挖一个印加洞穴呢
why stop at just one Incan Hole?
独一无二的"走哪挖哪"设计
With the unique dig anywhere design,
让您可以带着洞穴走遍世界
you can take your hole wherever you go!
如果对新型印加洞穴不满意的话
And if you're not completely satisfied with new Incan Hole,
包您满意
干吗不再挖一个新的呢
why not dig another one?
心动不如马上行动
Try new Incan Hole today.
洞穴一挖 孩子安全千万家
Dig a hole and the child is safe.
注意 印加洞穴在雨季
Warning, Incan Hole may become
注意
可能会变成印加嬉水池
Incan paddling pool during rainy season.
头皮干痒 有头屑烦恼吗
Do you suffer from a dry, flaky scalp?
头发油腻粘成片吗
Is your hair greasy?
头上散发异味让人恶心吗
Does your head smell like a dead, rotting llama?
那就用新型印加洗发尿吧
Then you need new Incan Shampee!
印加洗发尿
洗发尿是一种革命性的
Yes, Shampee is a revolutionary
新型去屑洗发用品
new anti-dandruff hair wash.
只需尿到桶里让其发酵一周
Simply pee in a bucket and leave it to ferment for a week.
然后直接在尿盆洗发即可
Then, just wash your hair in the piddle pot.
全天然配方瞬间便可发挥功效
The all-natural formula gets to work straight away.
其科学原理是
Here's the science-y bit!
人尿中含尿素 可以杀死细菌
Your pee contains urea, a chemical that kills bacteria,
抵抗头屑 清除油脂
fights dandruff and cleans away grease,
让你的秀发健康柔顺有光泽
leaving you with shinier, healthier-looking hair.
印加洗发尿 印加女人都说好
Incan Shampee. It's what all the Incan ladies are using.
爱它没商量
I love it!
有膀胱就有本产品 尿桶请自行购买♥♥
Available in all full bladders. Bucket not included.
恐怖的都铎王朝
我们都铎人都非常害怕亨利八世
We Tudors were all terrified of Henry VIII.
没人愿意跟他说坏消息
No-one wanted to give him bad news.
事实上 天下只有一个人
In fact, there was only one person
可以告诉他坏消息 而又不受惩罚
who could get away with it.
-尼古拉斯爵士 -什么消息
- Sir Nicholas. - What news?
恐怕谣言是真的
The rumours are true, I'm afraid.
好像王后确实
It would seem the Queen
背着国王偷汉子了
is seeing other men behind the King's back.
担心的事还是发生了 应该禀告陛下
Then it is as we feared. We should inform His Majesty.
当然得禀告 可你也知道他的脾气
Yes, of course, but you know how his moods are.
知道 他通常会将禀告者斩首
Yes. He does tend to behead the messenger.
-是啊 -那就只有一个人能行了
- Indeed. - Then there is only one man for the job.
只有一个人可以把这种坏消息
Only one man who could break such terrible news
告诉陛下 亨利八世
to His Majesty, King Henry VIII.
-你该不会是指... -对
- You don't mean...? - Yes.
威尔·萨默斯
Will Sommers.
你们叫我了吗
You called?
有什么麻烦吗 先生们
So, what seems to be the problem, gentlemen?
-凯瑟琳·霍华德 -还有个男人
- Catherine Howard. - Ah, another man?
-不止一个 -天啊 那就难办了
- Several. - Oh dear, that is a pickle.
是啊 我们得禀告陛下
Yes, and we need to tell the King
这样他才能离婚或者下旨斩首什么的
so he can arrange a divorce or a beheading or something.
而你是陛下眼前的红人
And you are his favourite jester.
所以是宣布这个坏消息的最佳人选
Who better to break the bad news?
确实是 但是要怎么说呢
Yes, this is true, but how?
这件事事关重大 我们要怎么办
This is obviously hugely important, so what do we think?
我是以笑话的形式说呢还是唱歌♥的形式
Shall I do it as a joke? Or a song?
还是在耍戏法的时候直接说
Or should I blurt it out while I'm doing the juggling?
-这该问你啊 -对 是该问我
- You're the expert. - Yes, I am very good at this.
我要运用的我机智和手段
I shall use tact, diplomacy
还有这个...
and one of these...
靠边站 先生们
Stand aside, gentlemen.
今天算了吧 威尔 现在我没心情
No, not today, Will. I'm not in the right mood.
我看未必 您现在心情正好适合看表演
I don't know, you seem to be in a right mood to me!
别闹了 我现在想嘘嘘
Stop it! Seriously, I need a wee.
您是说"寡人"吗
Would that be the Royal We?
不是这个 我说真的 我快尿裤子了
No, seriously, seriously, I will wet my breeches.
那可千万别尿到宝座上
Don't get any on the seat,
否则您要王位"不保"了
or you'll have to be THRONE out!
不 我已经给尿上好几滴了
Oh no! There's a couple of drips right there.
大可不必担心
I wouldn't worry about it.
这么多年上面肯定有过几滴[无聊鬼]的
There's been a few drips on that throne through the years!
是啊 无聊鬼 可不是嘛
Yes! Drips! Hasn't there just?
我觉得应该不止是几个
More than a few, I should think.
对 差不多和您妻子的男朋友一样多了
Yes, almost as many as your wife has boyfriends!
她是有几个男朋友 是吧
She's had a few, then, has she?
是啊 很多呢 告退了 陛下
Yeah, loads of them! Good day, Sire!
好
Very good.
你看看自己那傻样
Look at you, you silly man!
陛下有什么反应
Well, well, how did he take it?
现在还为时过早
It's too early to say.
应该快反应过来了
Should sink in about
三 二 一
three...two...one...
-什么 -反应过来了
- Wha-a-at?!! - There it is.
尼古拉斯 把我的刽子手叫来
Nicholas! Fetch me my executioner!
马上 陛下
At once, Sire!
再拿条干净的内♥裤♥
And a clean pair of pants, please.
老实说 我们并不确定这个坏消息
Well, actually, TBH, we don't know if it was Will Sommers
是不是由威尔·萨默斯来传达的
who had to break that particular bit of bad news.