糟糕历史：油炸叔精选版（2011）

Yes, you might, Meltravers,
但这都是为了崇高事业而做出的牺牲
but it would all be for a good cause.
那波斯尼亚在哪儿来着
So, where is Bosnia, again?
讨厌的海盗
传统的海盗形象
The traditional image of pirates
源自于斯图亚特和乔治王朝时代
is from Stuart and Georgian times,
海盗们总是身着
buccaneers wearing dandy outfits,
从富裕的受害者身上抢夺下的各种华服
which they'd stolen off their rich victims.
但是 海盗们不仅仅只偷金银珠宝
You see, pirates didn't just steal gold coins and jewellery,
他们会盗走当时认为值钱的所有东西
they stole anything that was considered valuable at the time,
包括糖和地图
including sugar and maps.
话说回来 谁不喜欢糖和地图呢
Let's face it, who doesn't like sugar and maps?
除了身患糖尿病的不靠谱地理老师
Apart from failed geography teachers with diabetes.
不过 你可能会对
However, you might be a little surprised
一个海盗某次抢到的东西
at something that one pirate
吃惊不已
thought would make him a bit of cash.
擦拭甲板
Swab the deck!
这次我超越了自己的极限 费歇尔
This time I've excelled myself, Fisher.
其他海盗都搞错了
Other pirates have got it all wrong.
干吗非要冒生命危险跑去远海攻击船只
Why risk life and limb, attacking ships on the high seas?
还不如轻轻松松地从大♥陆♥偷走一群牛
When you can just steal a herd of cows from a field on dry land?
巴瑟·胡德船长 神一般的海盗
Captain Basil Hood, pirate extraordinaire!
去检查下那些牛 好吗
Go check on the cows, will you?
遵命 船长
Aye-aye, Captain.
我们可以卖♥♥个好价钱
We'll sell these cows for huge profit.
这大概是我想出的最棒的主意了
This is quite simply my best plan ever.
这些牛好像有点晕船 长官
Oh! The cows seem to be a bit seasick, sir.
-晕船 -它们一直在吐
- Seasick? - There's a lot of spewing going on down there.
偷来的牛真的晕船了
呕吐物溅满了墙 溅满了天花板
I've got vomit on the walls, vomit on the ceiling,
也溅了我一身
got some vomit on me.
恶臭难闻 不行了
And the stench is... Oh, no!
快去把下面打扫干净 伙计
Go clean it up, man!
遵命 船长
Aye-aye, Captain.
好吧 或许这不是最棒的主意
OK, maybe this wasn't my best plan...ever.
洗不掉 长官 实在太多了
It's no good, sir, there's just too much of it.
下面的呕吐物像是火山爆发一般源源不绝
Like a volcano of vomit, down there.
我受不了了 我们怎么办
I can't take this much longer. Ugh, what are we going to do?
看那儿 长官 地平线那儿
Over there, sir, on the horizon,
海军来了
the Navy!
他们看到我们的话 会把我们抓起来的
If they see us, they'll arrest us.
我们在这儿
We're over here!
我们在这儿
We're over here!
海盗巴瑟·胡德
Pirate Basil Hood,
我现在以海盗的罪名拘捕你
I'm arresting you for being a pirate.
你是否要向英国海军投降
Do you surrender to the English Navy?
我投降 投降 非常感谢
I do, I do, thank you very much.
现在能请你把我们带到干净整洁的船上吗
Now please, can you take us on your nice, clean ship?
-什么声音 -没什么
- What was that? - Nothing.
忽略吧
Just ignore it.
我们现在就登船吧 马上投降 走吧
We'll board your ship now and surrender at once. Come on.
住口 我肯定听到声音了
Stop! I definitely heard something.
不 那是费歇尔的肚子在叫
No, that was Fisher's stomach.
快叫两声 费歇尔
Come on, Fisher.
有臭味 什么东西恶臭难忍♥
That smell! What's that terrible, awful smell?
那是
It's...
天呐 下面有牛群呕吐不止
My word! There's cattle down here and they're puking and spewing
吐得没完没了啊
and...spewing and puking!
这船太恶心了 我们走
This ship is disgusting! We're leaving!
至于你 胡德 你自♥由♥了
And you, Hood! You're free to go!
带着你恶心的船有多远滚多远
Take your vomit ship with you!
海军确实释放了胡德
不 别留下我 求你了
No, please don't leave. Please!
弃船
Abandon ship!
下一次 我们还是只偷财宝吧
Next time, let's just stick to stealing treasure.
不管在船上有多么不舒服
Of course, it doesn't matter how sick you got aboard ship,
你永远都不会想碰上海盗庸医
you really, really wouldn't want to have to see a pirate doctor.
历史医院
可怜的家伙 看起来伤得很严重啊
Oh, you poor thing! That looks nasty.
不过没什么好担心的
I'm sure it's nothing to worry about.
我去看看有没有医生有空
I'll just see if there's a doctor around.
早上好 护士小妞
Yarrgh! Morning, nurse!
早上好 请问你是
Morning. And you are?
独眼狼内德 杰出海盗是也
One-eyed Ned, pirate extraordinaire!
这箱子里装满了最好的海盗药物
I've got my chest, full of the finest pirate medicines.
有海水
Argh. Sea water.
还有毒芹
Hemlock.
这东西不是有毒吗
That's poisonous, isn't it?
要是我不按说明书使用才会有毒
Only if I don't read the instructions,
我可能还真不按说明书来
which I probably won't,
因为全是拉丁文写的 我还不识字
cos they're all in Latin and I can't read anyway! Ha-harr!
好了 让我看看 年轻的水手
Right. Let's have a look at you, me young swabby, argh.
得了坏血病吧
Touch of scurvy, eh?
放点儿血 啥病都能好
Well, there's not much a bit of blood-letting won't cure!
毒素清干净 就好了
Removes all the toxins, so it does.
不过我没得坏血病 只是腿割了道口子
But I haven't got scurvy. I've just got a cut on my leg.
怎么不早说
Why didn't you say so?
-我们得马上把它锯掉 -锯掉
- We'll have it off in no time! - Off?!
你不想拖着条烂腿上船吧
You don't want a rotten leg aboard a ship, do you?
-只是条小口子 -有备无患嘛
- It's only a little cut. - Well, better safe than sorry.
相信我 我是木匠
Trust me, I'm a carpenter.
木匠 你刚才不是说你是医生
A carpenter? I thought you said you were a doctor?
我们曾经有船医 不过他死了
We had a doctor, but he died!
反正他也就会给别人截肢
He just sawed off limbs, anyway.
我碰巧是船上的木匠 所以
And I'm the ship's carpenter, so -
我知道怎么用锯子
I know me ways about a saw.
说"啊"
Say argh.
你很喜欢说话 是不是
You're a chatty one, ain't you?
有没有可以让他减轻痛苦的东西
Anything you can give him to ease the pain?
比如麻醉剂
Anaesthetic?
-我从来没听说过 -朗姆酒怎么样
- No, I never heard of 'em. - Rum, maybe?
这主意不错
Don't mind if I do.
别着急 小伙子
Not so fast, laddie!
最好先看看他是不是能活下来
Better see if he survives, first.
可别把这么好的朗姆酒浪费在死人身上
No good wasting rum on the dead.
护士
Nurse!
腿 我们快完成了
The leg. Almost finished.
就剩把伤口封起来了
All we've got to do now, is seal the wound.
用针线缝合 用纱布包扎吗
With stitches and a clean dressing?
不 用这罐滚烫的沥青
NO! With a load of hot tar.
好主意啊 护士
Ah! Good thinking, nurse!
这就是你的新腿
Here's your new leg.
卑劣的斯图亚特王朝
赢得英国内战胜利 处决查尔斯一世后
After winning the English Civil War, and executing Charles I,
奥利弗·克伦威尔作为护国公统治着英国
Oliver Cromwell ruled England as Lord Protector.
作为一个严格的清教♥徒♥
Being a strict Puritan,
一切娱乐他都不允许
he disapproved of anything fun.
圣诞第一天 真爱送我到*
*On the first day of Christmas, my true love sent to me
-奥利表兄 -圣诞节快乐 老兄
- Cousin Olly! - Merry Christmas, old bean!
亲戚们 你们是怎么通过守卫的
Oh, relatives. How did you get past the guards?!
我们只是想顺道来祝你圣诞快乐
Thought we'd pop by to wish you a very merry Christmas.
圣诞快乐
Merry Christmas!
我是清教♥徒♥ 不过圣诞节
I'm a Puritan, I don't celebrate Christmas.
其实我已经把圣诞节禁掉了
In fact, I've had it banned.
那你应该不会拒绝圣诞晚宴吧
Well, you won't say no to a spot of Christmas dinner, will you?
-给你带了一只鹅 -守卫
- We brought you a goose! - Guards!
你在干什么
What are you doing?
圣诞晚宴被禁了 这是罪恶的
Christmas dinner is banned. It's sinful!
我已命令守卫没收所有的烤鹅 守卫
I've ordered the army to confiscate ALL roast geese. Guards!
鹅不要就是了 不要了 没问题
Whoa, whoa, we'll lose the goose, we'll lose the goose. It's fine.
那咱一起去酒吧吧
Why don't we all go down the pub or something?
-守卫 -又怎么了
- Guards! - What now?
酒吧被禁了 那是罪恶的
Pubs are banned. They are sinful.