糟糕历史：油炸叔精选版（2011）

Trip or fall at work?
莫名其妙地受伤或者生病
Suffered a personal injury or sickness?
那你肯定是受到女巫的诅咒了
Then you could have been cursed by a witch.
那就抓紧联♥系♥我们女巫猎手吧
So, get in touch with us at Witchfinders Direct.
我们会找个无辜的女人 说她是女巫
We'll find some innocent woman, say she's a witch
然后烧死她
and have her burnt to death.
女巫猎手
农民克劳利种植的卷心菜片叶无收
Farmer Pocket of Crawley lost all his cabbages
被鼻涕虫吃光了
when they were eaten by slugs.
他损失了好几个先令
He lost, literally, several shillings.
因此他叫来了女巫猎手
So he called in Witchfinders.
我们判定 鼻涕虫是村里那个
And we decided the slugs had been sent by the strange, old woman
古怪的老太婆派来的 就是她
who lived in the village. Yes, her!
-不是我 -就是你
- It wasn't me. - Yes, it was!
她又老又长痣 看上去有点凶
She's old and warty and looks a bit evil,
你不觉得吗
don't you think?
所以我们带走了她
So, we had her dragged away
给了她一场公正的审讯
and given a fair trial.
-你养猫吗 -是的
- Do you have a cat? - Yes.
那么 汝即女巫
Then, thou art a witch!
她被处死了 她的猫也被送进了监狱
She was put to death and her cat sent to prison.
所以 若你生活不顺
So if you have anything go wrong in your life,
马上打电♥话♥给女巫猎手吧
call Witchfinders Direct.
我们会诬赖给那些无辜的老太婆
We'll find some innocent old woman and blame her for it.
女巫猎手
女巫猎手 因为老太婆们活该被烧死
'Witchfinders. Because old ladies deserve it.'
在十七世纪 承认是女巫会被烧死
不承认自己是个女巫则会招致酷刑
直至承认自己是女巫 然后被烧死
女巫不全都是被烧死的
其他行刑手段包括饿死 流放 绞刑
砍头 投石致死 剜目
斯图尔特时代臭名昭彰的女巫猎手带头人
The infamous Stuart Witchfinder General
是马修·霍普金斯
was Matthew Hopkins.
他自己创立了这个职业
He created the post for himself
在16♥4♥5至16♥4♥7年间迅速发家致富
and rose to prominence in a brief window of 16♥4♥5 to 16♥4♥7.
每有一位女巫被处死 他都会获得收入
Paid per witch prosecuted,
在霍普金斯惨无人道的刑讯技巧之下
Hopkins notched up at least 250 prosecutions
多名受害者被迫坦白曾与魔鬼定下契约
and 100 hangings, after his brutal interrogation techniques
这样一来 他创下了至少250例起诉
led to numerous confessions
以及100例绞刑的记录
of meeting and making a pact with the devil.
不过这样看来 他才是那个
Someone with whom Hopkins
与魔鬼狼狈为奸的人
has now surely spent rather a lot of time.
恐怖的都铎王朝
1520年 英国国王亨利八世
In 1520, King Henry VIII of England
和法国国王弗朗索瓦一世
met Francis I of France
在两国的和平庆典上碰面了
in a celebration of peace between the two countries.
怎么可能会发生问题呢
What could possibly go wrong?
欢迎来到糟糕历史杯 世界摔跤大赛
Welcome to Horrible Histories World Wrestling.
糟糕历史杯 世界摔跤大赛
现在是公元1520年 我们从法国的金缕地
We are ringside at the Field of the Cloth of Gold.
金缕地
为您带来现场直播
Live from France in 1520AD.
两位最伟大的都铎君王针锋相对
Two of the greatest Tudor monarchs go head to head,
真正的王者之战
King versus King in a really royal rumble.
让我们来了解一下两位选手
So let's meet the wrestlers,
法国国王弗朗索瓦一世 人生赢家
King Francis I of France, king of bling.
爱好: 美术 音乐 舞蹈
他也许块头不大
He may not be big
厌恶: 打架
但绝对行动敏捷 容貌俊秀
but he's fast and he sure is pretty.
英俊潇洒
不好意思 我们要打架吗
Pardon, is there going to be a fight?
我觉得
It was my understanding
来庆祝我们两个伟大国家的和平
that we were all here to celebrate the peace
应该用美术 音乐 舞蹈才对
between our two great nations with the music, art, dancing.
还有打架
And fighting!
好吧 平时
OK, normally
我都是让士兵帮我♥干♥这种事 所以
I have soldiers to do that sort of thing for me, so...
今天不一样 因为你要和亨利八世
Well, not today because you're going one on one with Henry VIII,
本届英国国王 一对一地比试
reigning King of England.
身高: 190厘米
他身高一米九 略重于120公斤
He's 6'2", a little over 120 kilos
体重: 120公斤
不过身上不全是肌肉
and not all of it muscle.
啤酒肚
喂 我听见了
Oi! I heard that.
如果你们觉得亨利的数据惊人
If you think Henry's stats are impressive,
且看看他为此次盛会搭建的营地吧
just check out his tent for the event.
大如宫殿 百米长 百米宽
It's as big as a palace, 100 metres long, 100 metres wide.
里面还有独♥立♥的礼拜堂
It's got its own chapel,
三十五名牧师 以及两个酒造的喷泉
35 priests and two fountains flowing with wine.
我打架打了一辈子 但这次意义非凡
I've been fighting all my life but this is the big one.
我会打倒你 把你撕成两半
I am going to take you down. I am going to tear you apart.
-我要把你的腿给扯下来 -有必要吗
- I'm going to rip your legs off. - Is this really necessary?
我们不是应该庆祝两国人♥民♥之间
Aren't we meant to be celebrating the long historic friendship
历史性的友谊的吗
between our two peoples?
有什么比打架更能庆祝和平呢
What better way to celebrate the peace than with a fight?
现场的气氛一触即发 现在开始了
Well, the tension here is almost unbearable. And here we go
历史上最盛大 最漫长
for the biggest, longest,
最累人的摔跤比赛
most gruelling wrestling match in history.
比赛结束
It's all over.
弗朗瓦索确实因绊倒亨利而赢得过比赛
谁和我一起享受美术 音乐和舞蹈
Hello, who's for some art, music and dancing?
三局两胜
Best of three.
弗朗索瓦一世和亨利八世确实有过摔跤赛
Yes, Francis I and Henry VIII really did a have a wrestling match
法国国王绊了亨利一跤 从而获胜了
and the French King won by tripping Henry,
亨利表示这根本就是作弊
who said it was cheating.
亨利讨厌死了不能为所欲为
And Henry hated not getting his own way.
所以你们完全能想象 十年之后
So you can imagine how well it went down a decade later,
当他请求教皇同意他离婚
when he asked the Pope for permission to get a divorce
却被拒绝时 他有多不爽
and was turned down.
那时候 教皇正在
At the time, the Pope had been placed under house arrest
被西班牙国王软禁
by the king of Spain,
所以亨利不得不派了一名特使去提这问题
so Henry had to send a special envoy to pose the question.
要放到现在
These days,
亨利只要跟他网上视频就好了
he might just have Skyped him.
英格兰王亨利八世
王后阿♥拉♥贡的凯瑟琳
访客
单击用户名开始
直棂
关闭计算机
我还是个帅小伙 这是什么
Yes, I'm still a handsome devil. What's this?
您收到一封邮件
是我的亲亲老婆凯瑟琳生了吗
Could it be that my dear wife, Catherine has given birth?
恭喜 你当爸爸了
她生了 希望是男孩 希望是男孩
Oh, she has. Please be a boy. Please be a boy.
希望是个男孩
Please be a boy.
恭喜 汝获一婴 女孩
哦不
Oh, no! Oh, no.
为什么上帝要抛弃我 让我一直生女儿呢
Why has God forsaken me with only lady babies?
多谢 蒙上帝恩典 英格兰和法国国王 信仰的守护者 爱尔兰领主亨利
我必须有个男性继承人
I must have a male heir.
让女人来统治英格兰 简直是大灾难
A queen on the English throne would be disastrous.
女生太蠢了 没法治理国家
I mean, girls are too silly to rule countries.
都是我老婆的错
It's all my wife's fault.
我要和她离婚
I'm going to divorce her.
不 要更狠一点
No, worse,
我要把她踢出我"亚博"好友的前八名
I'm going to drop her from my top eight on Yebo
然后我要和她离婚
and then I'm going to divorce her.
看她会有什么反应 在这呢 点这个
Yes, see how she likes that. There we go. Take that.
删除好友
不
Oh, no.
这下搞得法国国王在我好友前八名里了
That's put the king of France in my top eight.
他是个白♥痴♥ 好吧
He's an idiot. Right.
我现在得重新调整我的好友列表了
I'll have to completely rearrange my friends list now.
来电 教皇克雷芒七世
教皇 他想干吗
The Pope. What does he want?
教皇陛下 您好吗
Ah, Your Holiness, hello to you.
我以为您在老鼠乱蹿的西班牙地牢里
I thought you were languishing
受苦受难呢
in a rat-infested Spanish dungeon.
我是在地牢
I am.
不过这里无线网络覆盖特别好
But it has excellent wi-fi coverage.
亨利 你把你的王后从亚博的好友
Henry, is it true, you dropped the Queen
前八名里踢出去了 这事是真的吗